Chads won't commit 😭😭😭

Aldabruzzo · 2020-12-01T16:01:16+00:00

I look at this one kind of differently. To me this is less "Boo fucking hoo, Chad wouldn't commit to meeeee" and more "I can't handle life, life is so hard, life is so unfair, why won't people be nice to meeeee". While we profile the former a lot more, the latter is important to identify and talk about too.

THere's a lot more going on in this woman's life than just "unlucky in love, can't find a hot and sexy but nice man." This woman has been depressed and in therapy since age 14. She's NEVER been right in the head. Something's always been wrong with her. She's got social anxiety. She's always felt unlovable. That's what drove her to her "bad sexual experiences".

As for her 3 year relationship, she simply decided that she didn't want to put in the work for it anymore. Being with someone long term and making it work was less important than her feelings or education or career prospects. (She didn't prioritize finding a husband, either, which is a major part of her problem. I think one reason she didn't prioritize it was her mental illness.)

She craves relationships with men because she never developed a healthy view of herself, men, and herself in relationship to men. She fights the idea of having a man in her life because she "shoudln't" want or need one, yet very much does. At the same time she lacks a sufficient sense of her own self identity and who she is and what she wants such that she can give a man what he wants and needs. She can't handle herself or her life, mostly because she's never learned how.

Instead of turning inward to see what the answers are, she looks outward at men, wanting Chad to solve her problems and help her feel better. This kind of woman gets into a relationship with you, then blames you for all her problems. It's YOUR fault she's unhappy. YOU are the one who needs to change. YOU are the one who needs to get better. You are making her unhappy. It's all bullshit, and you need to stay away from women like this.

Read the 48 Laws of Power. Law 10: Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and the Unlucky. People who are perpetually miserable spread misery like an infection, and they'll drown you in it. Avoid these people like the plague. Conversely, if you associate with happy people, you'll share in the good fortune they attract and spread.

This is an unhappy, unlucky woman. Avoid them like the plague.

Autisticus · 2020-11-30T20:02:50+00:00

[deleted]

YouSaidChicken · 2020-11-30T20:06:53+00:00

Call me racist, but I won't be with women who are in therapy, have been in therapy, or are on psychoactive drugs.

megacomicgeek · 2020-11-30T23:00:42+00:00

I never understood this whole concept of women who feel unloved. The world basically kisses your ass and tells you constantly how great you are and almost every girl has a guy who would do anything for them. Imagine having a ton of matches on a dating site. Most men can't. Imagine having people to be there for you when you fail. Most men can't. Imagine being able to have intimacy whenever you feel like it and so many admirers you could get into a loving relationship tomorrow if you wanted. Most men can't.

Women really take being women for granted.

oldsmobileaurora · 2020-11-30T20:01:38+00:00

So the essence of this long post is that this girl admits she's messed up, has been in therapy for 12 years (!?) over feelings that she's addicted to dating and that she does not feel interested in anyone that she meets or matches with on dating apps. She had a 3 year long stable, healthy relationship with a guy that ended because "we both decided that we didn't want to get engaged". (There's a backstory to that one that we don't know about.)

And yet, the guys she's dated are all somehow at fault.

You have to be kidding me.

Old_snowboarder · 2020-11-30T20:22:59+00:00

Gosh, a decade and a half of 'therapy'. I think if I'd tried something for that long and it didn't work I'd be asking why the hell not?

kyledontcare · 2020-11-30T20:28:51+00:00

"I can function. I have my antidepressants. I have my therapist." LOL She sounds like the walking dead. Women like this should have a scarlet C on their head for, "crazy".

tthisisalljustatestt · 2020-11-30T23:05:31+00:00

Imagine having nearly unlimited options for more than a decade and being severely depressed and act like you've had nothing. You are 33 sweaty, time to get married lmao

I'm volcel, (muslim, no sex before marriage, I converted a few years ago) and it's been YEARS since I've had any physical contact at all and this bitch is whining because "hurr durr I can't get the perfect guy™®©". And chances are I personally won't have prospects to get married for another two-ish years.

The entitlement of women in 2020 is absolutely astonishing.

Tsnacker77 · 2020-11-30T21:05:52+00:00

I bet her body count is at least over 25. Confused women like this make good prey. They actually enjoy sleeping with men already in relationships. I know this type very well.

She needs to stop swiping out of her league on the dating apps. I can read thats one of her biggest problems.

Snoo33176 · 2020-11-30T22:51:31+00:00

If only we could harness the energy women put into going on and on and on and on and on about themselves, there would be no more need for fossil fuels.

ogrilla99 · 2020-12-01T00:05:18+00:00

She fully accepts responsibility for choosing the guys she did in the past. That's great. But she doesn't accept responsibility for the guys she's choosing *right now*.

She ended things with a stable guy after 3 years because he was boring. I'm not a therapist but I'll analyzer her anyway :-). Here goes: she likes dating men that she knows it can never work out with, because then, when the relationship inevitably fails, she can blame the guy and never herself. If she sleeps with a married man, when he inevitably doesn't leave his wife for her, she can blame him for being an asshole, and no one in the world would blame her for it ending (although they'll blame her for starting it). And if she says she's unhappy, she and the rest of the world will automatically blame the unhealthy relationship and the douchebag married guy for her unhappiness. No one would ever blame her or force her to examine herself.

But with the last guy, somehow, despite her best efforts, she ended up with a guy who wouldn't do anything wrong. He didn't abuse her. He wasn't unavailable. Even she had to admit it was pretty healthy. And it killed her because that meant that whatever unhappiness she was feeling in the relationship, she couldn't blame him for it, and had to examine her own behaviors, emotions, etc. to see why she was unhappy. Given that she's been in therapy for decades with little to show for it, you can guess how willing she is to look within herself for the source of her unhappiness.

It's kinda like this: if you're in an abusive relationship and tell people you're unhappy, depressed, and need antidepressants, everyone says "makes sense. It's the bad relationship causing your problems". But if you're in a great relationship and you're still unhappy, depressed, and need antidepressants, everyone whispers "what's wrong with her? she has a great guy, a good life, what does she have to be depressed about?"

There are some people who are so enamored by their unhappiness that they'd prefer to find external things (like bad relationships) that give them a "valid" reason to remain unhappy. And that's why she still avoids any guy with which there's a chance she might have a good relationship that she can't blame for her ongoing, decades-long unhappiness and depression.

EDIT: (I'm liking this psychoanalysis stuff, so I'll go further :-)

If you read the part where she talks about her therapy, it sounds like accomplishments. First, calling people "therapy buffs", like it's a sport or hobby to be proud of, and how she's "been working on" this stuff for 12 years. It's her, patting herself on the back for all the hard work she's doing trying to overcome her unhappiness, not realizing that her core problem is, *she likes being unhappy*. If she truly hated being depressed, then you'd sense her frustration when she says I've been working on this for 12 years without success. Not listing her different treatments, and everything like they're some sort of trophy accomplishments. Also, newsflash: *everyone* at age 14 thinks they're unloved and longs for a deep connection with some soul mate out there. It's what defines the adolescent experience, and what every teeny bopper hit song is about. The difference between this person and the rest of us, is that we eventually grow out of it. She prefers to wallow in it, for some perceived benefit that she gains that she's unwilling to give up.

InevitableOwl1 · 2020-11-30T21:21:37+00:00

[deleted]

Redhood616 · 2020-11-30T23:50:26+00:00

TLDR - Therapy, sex, “abusive” relationships, sex, dated nice guy but i was boreeeeed, more sex, only into guys out of my league, sad they won’t give me commitment.

Wafflebeater9 · 2020-12-01T02:23:58+00:00

She has a masters though, she don’t need no man lol

ericneo3 · 2020-12-01T14:09:26+00:00

She seems to have reasonable hindsight. But admits even though she has the power to pick and choose, she has taken the mindset of set up to fail even though she holds all the cards. She also doesn't go into her behaviour outside of a relationship.

"I need to be happy single" - This is bs started by women who wanted to justify leaving a relationship so that they could sleep around.

People are driven by different needs to be happy:

Some need money to be happy,
Some need a family and children to be happy,
Some need to help others to be happy,
Some need companionship from a close group of friends to be happy,
Some need to build or fix something to be happy.

A lot of people especially women believe that you have to be a completely independent and happy before looking for a partner. The problem with this advice is once a person becomes independent they don't need a partner.

There are people who are independent and people who are dependent. In the past a people would pair up, and make up for the shortcomings and weaknesses of their partners. Grow with their partners, look after their partners through hard times, each encouraging each other to become better versions of themselves not copies of each other. However in today's world many just want to slot themselves next to an established success and to trade up when someone better comes along or their partner is struggling.

Women started inventing the negative attachment to being a dependent in a relationship because they wanted to put a positive spin on leaving a relationship. Either as an independent women who wants to find herself by sleeping around or as a career woman who wants to climb the corporate ladder and this really hurts many family dynamics.

I hate to break it to many people but the partner who stays home to raise the family's children becomes dependent on their partner whether they are a housewife or a househusband. And if both parents are too independent to raise their own children then someone else will in their place.

In my opinion the really clever women are the ones who understand what motivates men and are the ones who pair up early, have children, then focus on self study/employment while building up their partner. Providing for their family is a great motivator for men to climb the career ladder. Men without a motivator will be happy just existing and will tend to get paid lower then their more motivated co-workers. By pairing up early women can avoid a lifetime of study debt, their bodies recover better from childbirth at an earlier age which can lead to them staying fit and active instead of ballooning. They also avoid the mid 30's crisis of stopping their career to have children and dropping out of the workforce.

Sorry I went off on a tangent a bit with this post.

Dejesus_H_Christian · 2020-12-01T03:19:01+00:00

That's a long wonded way of saying "I'm a stupid whore, somebody marry me!".

0mrcynic0 · 2020-12-01T00:21:44+00:00

I just listened to Gonzalo Lira a few days ago about dating unhappy women. The gist of it is that you don't pursue them since he experienced it first-hand. Even if you give her gifts or travel abroad with all expenses paid by you, she'll just get bored with your efforts.

Depressed women like this one are hopeless cases who won't change. They will earn pity points from some poor sucker because they know they can. She only wants a relationship to feel something yet is too stoned from taking those prescription medicines. She's just as bad to me as dating a cocaine addict.

DrDog09 · 2020-12-01T01:32:25+00:00

"would love advise on not feeling lonely"

1) Buy lots of mirrors.

2) Cats optional.

mr_kuk · 2020-12-01T09:57:07+00:00

TLDR: I followed my animal instincts all the way, why isn't my life amazing?

2020-12-01T13:54:56+00:00

I fully accept responsibility for my part in choosing those

Holy fuck, there's a first

houseoftolstoy · 2020-12-01T19:42:40+00:00

Several random thoughts of mine here:

This woman is like many women who want the relationship equivalent of fried ice. She certainly can get a relationship, and even had one. But surprise, surprise. That relationship was "boring." She likes the emotional highs way too much from the "exciting" guys who are not caring to commit to her to appreciate a real relationship.

Every time I see the term "self-love" or "self-care," warning lights go off. Those terms are never used by someone who has her life together, as women like that go in circles trying to "discover" how to make themselves happy. The answer to this question is generally an uncomfortable truth, which is why the solution is rarely reached by women like her.

She is clearly not in a good mental state if she is unable to figure out how to be fulfilled by herself. I cannot say how good therapy actually is in general, but I get the suspicion that the problems that women like this have never actually get addressed in therapy, whether it be to the woman herself being unwilling to face the difficult truth, the therapist being unwilling to go into that territory, or a combination of the two factors. Either way, therapy is not a silver bullet to these types of problems.

Another major warning light goes off when I see that she is in grad school in her 30s. Grad school is not automatically a good or bad thing, but if I were to bet money, what she is pursuing in grad school is probably for something worthless. This may distract her for the moment, but like other things in her life, it will not lead her to happiness. Not only will it drive her further into debt (creating more unhappiness), but it will also keep her from being closer to fixing herself (if that is to ever happen).

Overall, she has a load of issues which I do not believe she will ever solve. Any man who would be in a relationship with her would find himself having to deal with these issues, making for a poor relationship.

meerita · 2020-12-01T13:24:56+00:00

She is a narcissist.

2020-12-01T13:59:39+00:00

It doesn't feel like the need is met unless it comes from someone else.

This is why "self-love" is a false concept and doesn't exist

atelitus · 2020-12-01T18:58:34+00:00

If you're lonely by yourself, you're in bad company. And good company realizes bad company is more infectious than COVID and steers well clear.

reignoferror00 · 2020-11-30T21:27:25+00:00

[deleted]

2020-12-01T14:04:25+00:00

I get a decent amount of matches on dating apps, but I (fortunately/unfortunately?) am not interested in a lot of people

I'm just lonely AF

Really this post follows a common theme with these "complaining about dating"-style posts.

It's all about her complaining about a problem she has created, when the answer should be obvious even to her...

You couldn't help her with your own comment any more than the post she has written out herself.

It's like she's just fishing for validation.

slavetonostalgia · 2020-12-08T11:15:41+00:00

She is broken and a mess.

I don't think other than the Mr. Perfect Guy can satisfy her. And that guy doesn't exist so go figure.

_pratik475 · 2020-12-02T01:34:20+00:00

I don't see the "Chads won't date me, they should want me" scenario here. She's just lonely and (probably) feels pathetic having a dead love life. I'm a guy and my best friend has been there.

It's recoverable, but time consuming and tidious. She needs to sort her shit together and start looking outside dating apps for a healthy relationship and not a fling.

Probably ask her friends or family to introduce her to new people and see if things work out. Anyway, this is just a mess and in this case scenario, the person genuinely love and affection from her friends, family and her partner.

Title	Chads won't commit 😭😭😭
Author	CriticalXY
Upvotes	189
Comments	107
Date	November 30, 2020 7:29 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen/comments/k436ho/chads_wont_commit/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen/chads-wont-commit.329273 https://theredarchive.com/post/329273

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