Question regarding a unique situation

here_for_the_free_co · 2020-08-16T21:55:28+00:00

Therapy.

singingdahlia · 2020-08-16T22:02:17+00:00

I think the best course of action would be to get therapy. The key is making sure that you are mentally healthy before dating someone and are able to maintain that health while in a relationship. Having mental health issues is only a red flag if you’re not taking care of it. No woman wants to be your therapist or caregiver.

lival42 · 2020-08-16T22:05:56+00:00

I date servicemen almost exclusively. You’re high value when you take meaningful action for your condition and advancing your position. Go to therapy, do the VA thing, collect brothers-in-arms around you. Avoid booze and pot. Get your head screwed on straight as best you can. And then, or in conjunction depending on the severity of your condition, get your domicile and bank accounts in order. Don’t date until you can stand on your own feet. When the time comes, use the following to describe your situation: “I have a condition, and I’m following a plan for treatment.”

NorthrnSwede · 2020-08-16T22:43:18+00:00

Trauma doesn't make someone LV. Ever.

LV is not getting mental health treatment, not taking responsibility, treating others badly and trying to use trauma as an excuse for hurting people and in doing so, creating more trauma. HV is going to therapy/groups/providers/meeting/whatever, taking responsibility for yourself, and never using trauma as an excuse to harm others.

You say you "very recently returned". There's no rush. Work on yourself. Follow some of the advice given to the women here perhaps. Most of the life stuff is gender neutral anyway.

I've survived so much shit and from such a young age, I'll never be the person I could have been sans that. My HV goals are no doubt different from those who had happy childhoods and family support and got lucky in the health dept.

Wait__No__What · 2020-08-16T22:05:08+00:00

Therapy is your only course of action. You can only be a High Value Man when you value YOURSELF. Value yourself by taking care of yourself. See to your mental and physical health. A HVW will respect your efforts at getting mentally and emotionally healthy and will recognize the value of that for not only you, but for the positive impact it will have for her and her future children.

NoNarcs_ · 2020-08-18T13:46:08+00:00

I'm an Iranian-American and I was in a 2 years abusive relationship with veteran who served 8 years in the Army, deployed in Iraq. He is truly a hollow and sadistic individual who gets off on the desecration of the female body, and while I'm sure his perversions began before the military, I genuinely to my core believe the violence he witnessed and participated in during those 8 years fucked him up more.

The wisdom I gained from that experience: human beings are extremely resilient. We can be subject to violence, trauma and abuse to the point of becoming broken, and still manage to put the pieces back together. The only caveat being that you have to want it. He didn't want it. He didn't want to take self responsibility for cleaning up his own emotional trauma. He would suppress, ignore, pretend nothing was wrong. He believed that discussing his own pain and emotional trauma was a sign of weakness, so he would suppress everything. Ultimately I believe his lifelong strategy of emotional suppression led to his toxicity.

It makes me sad that we, as a culture, have raised our men to believe the emotional expression equates to weakness. The same toxic masculinity that teaches boys that vulnerability is somehow less manly. Your question is what would a high-value man do, and my answer is this: if I was coming out of a traumatic experience (as I did after I left my abuser) I would get therapy to clean up the mental mess. Go to the VA if you can, he was able to visit the VA and they had counselors there (even though he wouldn't see one). If you can't afford it, or for whatever reason if the VA doesn't have counselors in your area, try online counseling or self-help therapy, and meditation. A lot of people knock self-help, but at the end of the day we die alone, and if you can't be responsible for making yourself feel better than who the fuck can?

The symptoms you talk about, feeling numb and being detached, I'm afraid that if you suppress this it will only grow to be more toxic for you. You don't owe anyone an explanation, and you certainly don't have to bear this as a red flag on your lapel, but you should not conceal this from yourself. When you mindfully, actively, and persistently work on reconceptualizing the trauma and finally letting it go you will come back stronger than before. This will have been a pivoting point for you, a point of growth. And imho it will have made you a stronger more authentic person.

to_learn_to_fly · 2020-08-17T08:46:17+00:00

I second the therapy idea, but please, seek trauma-informed therapy specifically designed to treat PTSD and/or CPTSD. It's very different than, for example, the popular cognitive-behavioural therapy which can even retraumatise people with symptoms like yours.

redbirdflies · 2020-08-19T18:07:43+00:00

Really good advice already given on this thread. I just want to add:

You are not LV because you are suffering. You are only LV if you drag another person in to your suffering with you. That’s not the only reason should get therapy before getting into a relationship. Relationships cause emotional ups and downs, which can increase your instability. You need to do the work to heal for yourself first. Once you have healed enough to feel whole, then you can enter a partnership

If you haven’t healed, you will only attract other unhealed people. Like attracts like

Someone suggested EMDR above on this thread. It’s very helpful for relieving trauma. Read “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk. He is an expert on trauma, particularly the trauma experienced by veterans and he explains how EMDR, neurofeedback, bodywork, yoga and meditation are the the ultimate therapies for healing from trauma.

FurryBellyButt0n · 2020-08-17T21:30:50+00:00

It's okay to experience trauma as it's part of the human condition and each of us carry difference experiences that greatly impact our day-to-day lives in different capacities from our lived trauma. The difference between a HV person experiencing trauma and a LV person experiencing trauma is the HVM will take accountability for prioritizing their mental health and general well-being. They will make the time consistently for however long it may take to get the support, resources, expert opinions, etc. to take active steps in improving their lives until they are in a good place to then start dating. A LVM would temporarily do therapy and/or jump into dating without taking a break to self-reflect and put a SOLID amount of DEDICATED time with a therapist or team of experts to support them with overcoming those challenges. They realize it's going to take some time to adjust back into civilian life, get back into a routine, and heal on their own for awhile. It may take a few months or a year, or even longer. But they are okay with that and they don't speed up a process if they are showing symptoms they are experiencing some significant trauma because they realize that's unfair to impose on another human being, especially one they are starting to get to know, because they want to be mindful of their own triggers first before engaging with others in a romantic context. A HVM knows it's a journey even after the initial work is done and they will need to continue to check in with a therapist on occasion or a medical team to manage symptoms and continue to prioritize their health/triggers. A LVM will expect others to make concessions or excuses for their behavior or fall back into unhealthy triggers without getting back into a counseling routine because they "already went to counseling before." Or they will give this "self-help routine" we suggest 6 months then decide they are ready to date because they "took some time" but didn't really MAXIMIZE the time. See the difference?

kwalden2 · 2020-08-21T04:06:08+00:00

Other commenters saud therapy and no rush, which i absolutely agree with.

Honestly, any woman with half a brain would be aware of your potential traumas just from your general job description when it comes up. If you ever bring anything specific up, be careful and choose the right time (after you know her well).

High value points of action for dealing with almost any emotionally charged situation:

1) Always consider her safety and your own, taking no unnecessary risks.

Store your weapons 100% safely. Never hide them in a place she can find them. If you know you tend to wake up screaming and fighting, put your lady friend to sleep somewhere else safe and sounds. Do not drive in a mental state where you are especially at risk. Do not self-medicate without doctor's orders. You get the principle here, right?

2) Don't unload on loved ones because that is what your therapist is for.

A great rule of thumb: healthy venting focuses on one problem and its possible solutions while emotional unloading covers many (probably impossible) problems at once.

3) Don't hide things from that are bound to become a particular person's problem very soon anyway.

See the example of possible night screaming when a woman is about to spend the night.

4) If you are in a bad mental place, but you can't talk about it calmly enough to feel good about yourself afterward, try to politely excuse yourself.

"I need some moments alone, but it's nothing you did and you will be back." Possibly make her aware of some of your triggers/bad days so that she at least gets what is happening in front of her. Don't get mad at her if she can't eliminate all of your triggers without fail. That's not her job nor is it always possible.

5) If you mess up, own it.

Maybe you weren't so calm, and you yelled and said something less-than-thoughtful. "I apologize for X. I was completely wrong." Simple and honest.

Keep in mind that not being toxic doesn't make you high value. Doing thoughtful things, sharing good times, and expressing love are usually MORE important than minimizing the fallout of problems.

miloba_ · 2020-09-12T21:05:18+00:00

I agree with everyone suggesting therapy and not rushing into it. It’s important that you put yourself first and work on maintaining all facets of your health before attempting to date and finding yourself a quality woman.

My father was a U.S. Marine and comes from a generation not as open or willing to go to therapy. Although he is an incredible man who has done nothing but provide for my family and I, he has his fair share of deep-rooted trauma from his time in the Corps.

The experiences you have gone through don’t just go away. You owe it to yourself, and your future wife and children, to work on coping in a healthy way long-term.

Best of luck to you, and thank you for your service.

ludwigvonmises · 2020-08-16T22:10:36+00:00

I'm not a woman, but maybe my perspective will help.

Your conditions are obviously unfortunate and will almost certainly be considered "baggage" to anyone you date or engage with intimately. However, I don't think your situation differs considerably from anyone else wondering how to discuss their baggage or manage a romance with prior issues.

Think of a man who lost 100+ lbs and is looking to date. He may likely have body image issues, be uncomfortable with his nudity or semi nudity, have loose skin, be recovering from some kind of food addiction, etc. On the outside, he looks like a perfectly normal guy and women won't know about his prior issue until they start to connect and he reveals this fact about him. Is his former weight problem going to haunt him forever or disqualify him from an acceptable quality woman? No. He just needs to be careful in how he leaks it. There is a balance to be struck between playing to your strengths and attracting a partner and acknowledging your liabilities so you don't deceive them.

I could use other examples. Maybe someone is traumatized from a domestic violence situation or has recovered from being a drug addict. There are lots of types of "baggage." The solution, I think, is doing your best to exemplify high quality behavior (that you read about here), put in the effort, improve yourself, etc., and as you are dating and calibrating your romantic worth, slowly introduce these elements of your past as you feel trust is building. Everyone makes mistakes or is the victim of some injustice, and that alone does not disqualify them from being high quality and enjoying a quality partner. But you need to make sure your partner is informed, with the appropriate amount of detail, at the appropriate times, so they understand what they are getting into by dating you.

Beyond all that, there are ways of resolving your trauma (whether you are or are not personally responsible for them) that you should seek as a condition of dating. It's important that you do not wear this condition as a permanent badge, but seek to overcome and resolve it. I am not an expert in PTSD, but I understand there are some beneficial therapeutic approaches like CBT (and even apparently successful trials with MDMA) that help people with your condition.

Title	Question regarding a unique situation
Author	RydingTyme
Upvotes	33
Comments	17
Date	August 16, 2020 3:49 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/iaum1w/question_regarding_a_unique_situation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/question-regarding-a-unique-situation.1068515 https://theredarchive.com/post/1068515

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