Bills

Cam_Winston21 · 2016-06-20T16:05:00+00:00

My wife was an accountant. She did all the finances after we married. And, every month she started an argument as she paid the bills. Each and every month. You could set an alarm by it. I had no idea why (Me<---idiot). I'm an engineer, but...hey, she was an accountant, so I figured "right up her alley".

Uh, no.

I did an "audit" of our finances and she was a frugal as you'd expect a woman to be.
The ensuing conversation went something like this: "thank for your efforts, but I'm going to take over the finances. When a bill comes in, put it ____ so we can make sure I will see every bill.".

H: "But..."

M: "I got this. Thanks, again, but you no longer have to worry about paying bills. I just lightened your load. We have online banking so if you ever want to know what we have in our accounts, just login. Total transparency. But, I will handle the finaces from here on out. All of it."

H: "Uh..."

M: "Alrighty, you go decide what you want to do with the time I just gave you that you used to use up paying bills."

That was around 1996. Since then, there hasn't been one argument about paying bills. So, we went from a monthly argument about finances started by her to zero arguments in almost 20 years about finances. I think I accomplished that by making it so that she thought I was doing her a favor instead what I was actually doing: benching a player who was in the process of throwing away a game, so to speak.

Now, in 2016, I understand why she started all those arguments; she despised that she was 'having' to do something that she thought I should be doing. She was leading when it came to finances. Once I started leading, the arguments ended (she submitted).

YMMV.

NaturallyMasculine · 2016-06-20T16:29:26+00:00

How long ago did you take over the bills?

fuzzyface1980 · 2016-06-20T16:23:04+00:00

Personally care more about the bills.

Scurvemuch · 2016-06-20T16:40:01+00:00

Do you understand that she is doing this because she does not trust you, feels like she can't trust you, and / or feelz hurt that you took "control" away from her.

Her getting on your last nerve ON THIS--- does not matter. its like any other topic. AA AM or ignore.

If she has a Legitimate gripe, address it.

SexistFlyingPig · 2016-06-20T16:59:13+00:00

"I got this"

Learn these three words. She's asking about bills getting paid because she doesn't have confidence in your ability to organize and follow through. You arguing with her doesn't increase her confidence in you, and that's what you need to do.

Her: "Did you pay the power bill?"
You: "Of course. It's part of the budget. I got this."

Persaeus · 2016-06-20T17:18:16+00:00

She's getting on my last nerve

Build your frame, and this will not be a problem no matter the circumstance. Give less fucks and own your solution.

over60_stupid_loner · 2016-06-20T22:42:08+00:00

[permanently deleted]

creating_my_life · 2016-06-21T03:52:54+00:00

ACCOUNTING and FINANCES are two ENTIRELY different concepts. I let my wife do the ACCOUNTING and BILL PAYING, as a good first officer. I handle the budgets, investments, planning, and forecasting. That's the FINANCES.

Understand the difference.

Accounting: "the credit card bill of $750 was paid on time from the checking account."

Finances: "We spent $500 on groceries this month, which is $100 more than our trend". "I moved our long-term investments to a low-cost index fund." "If we need a new car, we should plan to pay for it in cash, we're not taking out a loan."

2016-06-21T10:52:02+00:00

Your last nerve?? That sounds kinda....girly lol. The way you described this you took a stand then maybe waffled a little. Don't say anything. Just do it.

RealEstateRockstar · 2016-06-22T23:48:39+00:00

Step 1: Take over this process 100%. The end.

rocknrollchuck · 2016-06-23T00:55:59+00:00

I told her I don't care who pays the bills, so long as we can compromise and she'll put it into YNAB as well as her system.

This is the problem. She knows you don't REALLY care how it gets done, so she will try to push you until you give in. You've got to change your mindset, and then make sure she knows that you DO care who pays the bills - YOU. Tell her "I'm responsible for our family's financial situation, so I will handle it." Then handle it, and make sure your words and your actions reflect that.

spexer · 2016-06-24T13:23:04+00:00

continue doing the bills. She will harp on this - hold your frame and defeat the shit test for what it is.

nothing I say to her will get her off my case

This is a great quote. apply this to almost everything... and you get the same answer.

so... realize that answering by 'saying stuff' is not the solution. Maintain frame. stop the talking and DEERing.

fucking lead.

Countpudyoola · 2016-06-20T15:59:30+00:00

Use auto-pay when you can. Try to set up reminders. I'm an anal accounting fuck when it comes to tracking things and I still forgot my mortgage payment this month.

She's getting on my last nerve with this shit and nothing I say to her will get her off my case

Work it out some other way if you must (exercise, getting a breather, etc.).

Just carry on. You know you could turn it over and the bills would be paid and accounting would be good. But the arguably more important part of thrift and saving would go by the wayside.

If she can't work with you in a manner where it's ideal, she doesn't really have a say. She had 8 years to make it work.

I told her I don't care who pays the bills, so long as we can compromise and she'll put it into YNAB as well as her system.

Probably why you're getting micromanage style push back. There's a glimmer there if she wears you down you'll just turn it back over and things can go back to how they were.

stonepimpletilists · 2016-06-20T15:53:31+00:00

Yeah, get more nerves.

You started a plan, buckled, then she knows she just has to push hard enough to get what she wants. What did you expect her to do here?

"The budget is fucked, I should have done this long ago. This is how it's gonna be." and thats the last word said.

I've done it, a lot of guys here have. My spouse sat in the corner crying over this for a good 15 minutes, then got up, sat on my lap, and got in line, putting line items in the budget.

This was a test of frame, and you failed. Learn from this

AlphaPhD · 2016-06-20T20:16:27+00:00

Your right to pay all the bills, a true RP marriage has the man in charge of the finances. I'm not sure if your wife is aware of MRP or RP in general, but if so have her read The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. My wife read it after seeing it mentioned on r/redpillwomen (you should also have her check out the sub). The author was a business woman who handled all the finances, but talks about how handing off the finances to her husband ended up working out for the best, despite it being hard at first.

If you prefer to not go this route, or your wife is resistant reading/you swallowing the pill etc., then all you can do is keep your frame. She is shit testing you to make sure you are a fucking man and can take care of the finances, so if she shits on you about stuff AM/AA. I've found a simple "I've handled it" response with no extra frills works best most of the time; don't let her draw you into a discussion. After some time she will appreciate your active role, trust you more, and shit test less.

Title	Bills
Author	UnlimitedEgo
Upvotes	2
Comments	39
Date	June 20, 2016 3:38 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4ozbsa/bills/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/bills.207378 https://theredarchive.com/post/207378

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