Getting blamed for nothing

redesquire · 2018-08-02T19:58:30+00:00

I usually just act like a little bitch and complain to strangers on the internet. Oh wait ... that's you.

Edit: I've also found that tears work pretty well. Shit ... that's you again. My bad.

johneyapocalypse · 2018-08-02T19:59:47+00:00

Here's how I deal with it:

I don't parse every fucking conversation I have.
I don't critique every fucking conversation I have.
I don't worry about the outcome of every fucking conversation I have.
I don't look for validation of my performance in every fucking conversation I have.

youscum · 2018-08-02T20:07:35+00:00

sniff, sniff. "That's our communication that I smell? My bad, I thought that was the baby's diaper."

Who cares how you respond, so long as you aren't taking her tantrums seriously.

cholomite · 2018-08-02T20:01:41+00:00

She was getting overwhelmed, and she shit tested you so that she could find some comfort in knowing she is with a strong confident man who is in control of himself, and you immediately DEER'd, failed the shit test and proved to her that she is the one in charge, which isn't what she wants. Now she is in free fall as she desperately looks for a strong masculine man who won't immediately get defensive and buckle to her bitchy tone and shit testing questions.

All your answers are in the side bar, but the issue with this example is that she didn't give a fuck what you said about your communication, she was testing to see if you're strong enough to be your own man, have the balls to not only stay out of her frame, but to bring her into yours and make her feel safe and protected from her own emotions.

Pretty bad shit test fail, but not the end of the world. I give you a 3/10. Next time use A&A or just STFU and pick her up or make her feel small or whatever else. You should have big strong arms from lifting, right?

Countpudyoola · 2018-08-02T20:09:08+00:00

Tough crowd.

Deering to basic shit test nets normal results.

Fall off horse, get back on horse and learn from your mistakes.

"our communication is shit and you never want to help me"

"I think I know that song. How does the rest go?"

♫♫ Communication break down...it's always the saaaaame , I'm having a nervous breakdown! Drive me insaaaaaaane ♫♫

Sing my way back to what I was doing.

ellifino · 2018-08-02T20:11:33+00:00

I'm assuming your girlfriend is a woman? Good assumption, right? That means she wasn't necessarily pissed at you, she was upset at something though, and it was easy to take it out on you. She probably got baby shit on her hand, changing the diaper, and she's upset, and it makes her feel good to take it out on you, because AWALT. Be the oak here, you did okay, but you DEERed a bit. Where's your frame of being able to smile at these kind of comments, smack her ass, and tell her she's doing a great job at being a mom. Tell her you're so glad she's your partner in this parenthood thing. With a baby in the picture, she's still getting some hormones out. It's a "baby shit, shitty comfort test".

RedPillCoach · 2018-08-03T03:19:34+00:00

I just walk out of the room and she's pissed to hell.

Riding the horse to victory or to Hell?

It depends on your frame and smart and judicious use of your weapons. What you did is called "stonewalling" and it is only effective for limited purposes (like stop talking to me in a contemptuous tone, oh you won't stop. Bye). Using it like this is a disaster.

Hopefully you get the concept that changing a diaper with a squirming baby is very time sensitive, balancing things and so on. 5 seconds waiting to get something might be to long and your wife has a right to be pissed and to complain.

By the way, your interaction literally reads like Gottman's 10 Ways to Make Marriage Work. He includes transcripts of husband wife interactions with the authors comments on the interaction.

Like this:

Her: "Help me with this."

Him: Silence.

My comments: Here we see the autistic husband in his natural habitat,

Her: Frantically and frazzled while organizing the baby.

Him: [Walks over to help with baby. Fails to notice the wife is upset or that she is flooded].

My Comments; Brah, awareness. Learn to identify and control your flooding and then learn to identify and control it in your wife. Also, when was the last time you changed a diaper?

Wife: She immediately got pissed and said "our communication is shit and you never want to help me"

My Comments; This is a Harsh Startup and unlikely to accomplish what the wife wants because it will make the husband Defensive.

Husband: I'm doing so much shit around the house so I wasn't having it.

My Comments; Defensiveness. Watch him DEER!

Husband: I kept my calm and said: "I think the communication is fine and I was trying to finish doing my stuff"

My Comments: Who thinks he really kept his calm? His pulse was racing above 110 and his BP was 210 over 170. Also, serving up more venison steak to go with his DEER.

Wife: Accusing of bullshit....blah blah…

Husband: Walks out

My Comments: Stonewalling after 1 1/2 runs through the wringer is way to early to be giving up son and it is not the right tactic. STFU can work especially if you do it with a knowing smirk but walking out after exchanging a few words? Ridiculous! Do that only after you have set the boundary and told her to stop criticizing you.

Wife: She was pissed.

Because you used a power move reserved for women who habitually refuse sex or who hatibually harp and criticize when all she wanted to do was complain for a few minutes. Are you an oak tree or a willow twig? Complaining is like oxygen to women. Do you want her to suffocate?

simbarlion · 2018-08-02T21:00:59+00:00

How do you guys deal with that stuff?

Water off a ducks back. She's stressed, let her rant STFU

Majormikeoz · 2018-08-02T21:06:28+00:00

Women with young babies are frequently not rational.

Her shit test was a call for strength.

What I do is either say, I think that's bullshit and I'm going back to doing what I was doing... or simply say... Okay... and go back to what I was doing.

You can't respond rationally to irrational statements or irrational thinking. That just doesn't work.

It's like you are talking and thinking in english and she's talking and thinking in ancient sanskrit for all practical purposes.

Trying to rationalise with her while she's pissed off and shit testing won't work...

Nevertheless you have to draw boundaries.. say that's bullshit and keep moving.

becoming_alpha · 2018-08-02T21:25:20+00:00

You need to learn to fog through these shit tests. AA and AM can come later. Here's how fogging works: you agree with whatever you can about whatever criticism she levels at you. Example:

Her: "our communication is shit and you never want to help me."

You: "you're right [doesn't matter much what comes after that], I wasn't listening to you, was I?"

Her: "you knew I needed help with this tiny fountain of shit and you ignored me, you asshole."

You: "you're right, that was a big blowout... 7 wipes must be a new record."

Keep agreeing with whatever particle of truth there is in her criticism until she calms down. Don't walk out of the room, just stand there and fog. She'll get tired of swinging at a target that doesn't push back (don't DEER saying the communication was fine and you were just doing blah blah blah). Own that you messed around with the stroller wheels while she was elbow deep in your kid's shit. It doesn't matter who is right, just own it.

MrChad_Thundercock · 2018-08-02T21:36:07+00:00

Does Chad get blamed for nothing? Even he if did, does he really give a shit?

New born baby? She is all feelz, feelz, feelz, feelz (right now). Don’t DEER or use logic.

Need more background. Is she dtf? Deadbedroom?

It all depends, I was extremely beta when my kids were babies, running around like a dancing monkey trying “help” out as much as i could - but it was never enough and/or never doing it correctly. My wife said some very hurtful fucked up shit during my beta years because of the total lack of leadership and masculine energy on my part. Cue the deadbedroom.

Betas get told they don’t help out enough while Chad gets sucked off and does whatever the hell he wants to around the house - and she really appreciates the very few things he actually does to “help” her.

Chad gets a hall pass because “he is so sweet” at times.. Asshole Game incoporates the intermittent reward system. One of the reasons why chicks love bad boys. That’s the trigger he is using without knowing it.

SteelToeShitKicker · 2018-08-02T22:52:03+00:00

"Sure, you want to fix the stroller?"

Women believe themselves to be the center of the universe. Sometimes they need a reminder that they are not. Nobody should need help changing a diaper unless they basically have an explosion that has covered the baby, the person changing, half the wall and the ceiling.

ChokingDownRP · 2018-08-03T04:25:56+00:00

I would laugh if my wife came at me with that, then smack her on the ass on my way out to do whatever I was doing.

Reach180 · 2018-08-02T20:11:01+00:00

Draw boundaries and communicate your needs.

Rian_Stone · 2018-08-03T13:09:52+00:00

Do Lobsters scream when you put them in boiling water, or is that just air escaping from their shell?

Summit75 · 2018-08-02T20:17:31+00:00

She said she needed my help.

"Sure, be right there."

You can at least respond. If you're going to do it, say so. If you aren't, say that too.

Changing a diaper can get tricky, especially if it's your first. It sounds like a reasonable request to me (but of course I wasn't there.)

our communication is shit and you never want to help me

"I'll show you some communication, it's called body language"

"Oh, I read a book about that. Your love language is 'physical touch', right?"

"I'm happy to help; you're sexually frustrated, right?"

Or just shrug and walk away, not stomping, not sulking, just ignoring it. And then back to whatever you were doing to begin with.

Title	Getting blamed for nothing
Author	nyuuji
Upvotes	4
Comments	30
Date	August 2, 2018 7:54 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/942m6j/getting_blamed_for_nothing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/getting-blamed-for-nothing.204132 https://theredarchive.com/post/204132