Shit tests, STFU vs. Legit Complaints

cholomite · 2016-09-06T20:41:14+00:00

"Someone has to stop global warming"

"I've always wanted water front property"

It's ok to make jokes about fuck ups that aren't a huge deal. It shows her that you're not beholden to her standards or punishments. Just try to not fuck it up again.

screechhater · 2016-09-07T01:17:35+00:00

Are you even lifting yet ? WTF ? the last post says you are going to join a gym and then she says she wants too.

Tell me - what exactly is it that you want in your life ?

"Things at home are bad. I'm sleeping in my own bedroom (wife has moved into a different one), kids rarely respond to a pointed question such as "how was your first day of school today?" or, when that only drew eyerolls, a few hours later "I know you had that scheduling problem with course_name did you get it sorted out?" no response. I want to be dad, but I'd stopped pursuing the older (teenish) ones agressively. Spend time with the kids when they are in the mood, try to project positivity. Wife increasingly complains that I am selfish and I don't respond to her when she talks. (Seriously, it's 90% complaint, 10% logistics, not much of anything else.)"

When in the fuck are you going to decide to be a father, husband or, man or actually listen ? When in the fuck are you going to engage your brain and do the work that is laid out here ? This is all up to you and you repeatedly post bullshit that tells us you are not doing the work or engaging your fucking mind. So choose and apply, or not

Big shock

Griever114 · 2016-09-07T12:36:08+00:00

How about stop being an absolute fuck up and owning your shit?

You fucking let the window open with the air conditioner on and let the sprinkler run. You sound like an absolute waste of space.

No wonder your wife and kids want nothing to do with you. You are a low quality male.

STOP BEING A FUCK UP!

My main Q is: If I find the complaint valid, and not done in a overly-bitchy way, is "okay" or "thanks" a reasonable reply? Should I be doing something else? Seems like I'll be saying "okay" a lot.

Also, stop looking for a way to get even/a leg up on your wife. You sound like a fucking woman. You are legit looking for a "win" to use on your wife. Stop fucking up and looking for others to blame/lording over them when they mess up when you are a fuckup.

UEMcGill · 2016-09-07T02:53:42+00:00

She's in her own room throwing the ultimate shit test and your worried about if you say sorry for leaving on the air conditioner?

Fuck dude. Go monk mode and get your shit straight. You're going about this all wrong.

FireTempered · 2016-09-07T03:36:13+00:00

u/Logger1234 not much has changed in the last few days for you. There is no doubt that you are being a little autistic in your approach and your family is reacting to that.

My last advice to you was…….

This inability on your part to get out of her frame, is really just a hang over of your beta conditioning. You are letting your hamster take over your feelz' and ruin your day and short circuit any progress with your wife. We have all been there.

I wish I had a magic pill for you. I suffered, at my own hand, through a long and deep anger phase. What helped me most, was a combination of things.

Meditation

Everytime I got angry I would analyze the real cause, described here: https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/4br3sm/a_process_for_letting_go_of_anger/

STFU

Best

This advice still stands.

Countpudyoola · 2016-09-07T13:58:52+00:00

"You (who slept in a different room) left the air conditioner on all night while the other window was open! You air conditioned the neighborhood!"

THAT explains why it's so nice outside.

or

AND I hope they appreciate it.

or

I felt bad for all the sweating squirrels.

"You left the sprinkler running, it looks like a swamp out there."

Wanted to try out my new duck boots.

Do we have alligators yet? I was hoping to bring some in for sausage.

Marshes control erosion. Much more environmentally proactive these days.

Definitely focusing on myself, the only thing I can actually fix, but trying to take care of business at home and generally be happy/positive.

Stay on track, logger. Rome wasn't build in a day. Your shift wont be perceived as permanent in a month.

Eventually that positivite you project wont be perceived as weird. Will take longer for teenagers.

Now do some deadlifts. With proper form.

Every watch any of the old STRENGTHCAMP youtube videos. After a certain year Elliot really goes off the rails (and mainly is addressing an audience of younger guys), but he's inspirational as fuck early on.

Check out Paul Check as well. Another guy you hear one of two observations about: he's a nut, or he's a genius. His book "How to eat , move and be healthy" really helped me shift my eating. And when I stray , I go back and reread.

The_Litz · 2016-09-06T21:43:39+00:00

Storm in a tea cup. Treat it as such. She is spoiling for a fight, don't give her one.

I live with water restrictions, worst draught in living memory. I am not even allowed to use a hose in my garden, so yeah, get on top of your fucking game bud.

Chump_No_More · 2016-09-06T21:55:17+00:00

Wife complaining about 'selfishness' is her attempting to get control back... A&A or AM.

Tone is everything. You know when she's being contemptuous or disrespectful. Neither deserves a response, let alone your valuable time... go somewhere else and be awesome.

Otherwise, it's not unreasonable to acknowledge fuck-ups, but remove the word "sorry" from your vocabulary. Never forget that actions speak louder... Yes, own your shit and fail better.

SampsonBrass · 2016-09-07T01:00:24+00:00

Wait are you the guy who got pissed his wife thanked him for doing the dishes?

druganswer · 2016-09-07T20:57:28+00:00

My main Q is: If I find the complaint valid, and not done in a overly-bitchy way, is "okay" or "thanks" a reasonable reply? Should I be doing something else? Seems like I'll be saying "okay" a lot.

"whoops" "my mistake" mental note not to do that same thing again

own your mistakes.

you are in dire need of frame.

some here will disagree, but you're like the guy I would suggest "happy guy frame"/always playing your nice card to since you currently seem to have no frame of your own.

I outlined the idea Here

Basically, do what you want, but always carry a nice and positive attitude. You are battering your wife's shit frame with your positive frame. You decide, "no matter how she treats me, I am going to be respectful to her," and stick to it. That includes bitchiness, sexual rejection, etc. That includes when your kids downright ignore your question.

This is purely a frame building excercise. If you tell yourself "I'm going to be nice, but if she's a bitch I'm going to remove my time and attention," and you have no idea what frame even IS you are forcing yourself into a life that is the OPPOSITE of outcome independent. If you say "for 6 months I am going to be kind and positive no matter what" you are basically forcing yourself INTO outcome independence.

Now the other thing you need to do during this time is GET BUSY. I'm talking gym, hobbies, etc. YOU NEED THINGS TO BE ABLE TO DO WHEN SHE DOWNRIGHT DOES NOT WANT TO BE AROUND YOU. This way you're not a needy bitch, you're just a happy guy who gives her a shot to be part of your day... and if shot down you have plenty of things that you will happily do with your day... and not in a butthurt way, remember? Because we already decided we are not going to act any way but 100% positive and nice for 6 months.

Example:

"You left the sprinkler running, it looks like a swamp out there."

Thanks for letting me know hun, I hate when I forget little things like that. and then CHANGE THE SUBJECT TO SOMETHING POSITIVE Did you see Burger King has deep fried mac and cheetos now? That has to be the craziest fast food invention ever, don't you think?

Now your "constant complaining" wife just became your first mate helping you with something that you mentally need to take note of anyway.

And when she's bitching just to bitch... time to use your shit test deflection skills. Or as you have been doing STFU.

I'm not sure how to tell you exactly what to say... but just don't take it so seriously. When something comes out of her mouth immediately decide: Legitimate complaint? possibly either way? or complete bullshit. If legitimate, own it. If possibly either way STFU or that's interesting and you'll think about it. If bullshit treat it as a standard run of the mill shit test.

When your wife or kids make it obvious that they don't want to hang out or talk with you, brush it off and go do something else. Perhaps leave your phone at home or force yourself not to check it. This isn't to get back at her or dread her, it's so that you don't overstep happy guy frame into clingy/needy guy frame. But if she does call you and you do notice it, don't ignore it on purpose.. pick up and play your nice card, "hey hun, what's up?" If you never hear from her/them come home and play your nice card again. Say you hit the gym and then didn't want to go home right away. Hit the grocery store and buy something for a more exciting than usual dinner (that you want to eat, and protein packed... you are eating right, right?). Now you just disappeared for a few hours, she got a break from you, you weren't butthurt because you had things to do anyway, and you came back in a great mood. Ball is in her court to be a bitch or to fall into your frame.

And even if she is a bitch again, look at your mentality throughout this day. You planned on being happy and nice no matter what, so you were productive and in a positive mood. You weren't overthinking "should I talk to her when I get home? she was a bitch, maybe I should avoid her... those guys on MRP would say she doesn't deserve my time." So now that you aren't wasting your time thinking about what you are going to do/how you are going to act, you can spend your time focused on what you ARE currently doing and detox a bit from the emotional roller coaster that is your marriage.

I'll outline reasons some people will (possibly rightly) shit on this proposition, since you might not get it.

Biggest reason IMO: You might take this as a thumbs up to continue being a passive beta bitch kissing your wife's ass. That's not what I mean... If you need clarification on how this can align with you becoming more independent and giving less shits about your wife, let me know and I can try to help you out.

Next: Your wife is a bitch and doesn't deserve your niceness/will never learn to be better herself if you are nice no matter what. Solution to this is that you are always positive and always nice, but you are not always around. You need to be adding hobbies and just in general getting busy. Great things are gym (obvious), books/audiobooks, work or self improvement in work areas, hobbies you would like to get into/back into, any physical hobby that can also function as a workout, cooking and developing a nutritional plan. When your wife is being a bitch even with your positive, upbeat, "nice card" frame... just mention you are going to do one of these hobbies of yours... but the catch is, no matter how much she just told you that you were some useless bastard, do it with kindness and a smile on your face. "I'm going to let you calm down for a bit, I'll be back a bit later, hope you get feeling better/love you/whatever." Now... what are we doing here? Well.... much like the MRP guys will ALL tell you, we are removing time and attention when faced with shitty behavior. What are we NOT doing? We're not inciting drama by "punishing" her and we're keeping YOUR upbeat and happy frame. Your frame is that you want your wife to be in a great mood, you're going to do something else when she is not, but you aren't punishing her for it... because that would take you out of your frame. Remember, you're the the positive, outgoing, fun, happy guy no matter what.

Now for reasons that deserve breaking this frame: your wife is/has cheated, is going out with dudes, is doing something bad to/for the children. Stage 10 hard boundary stuff.

6 months of this and you should be a much more valuable guy. You won't have that air of asshole, butthurt loser around you. Your wife might not like you, but you will be a much more likeable guy. You hopefully will develop real OI, since this is forcing you to be absolutely 100% OI for 6 months. Also, you won't want to hang out with a shitty mooded value leech of a wife once you have fixed that trait in yourself... so if she doesn't catch up moving on will be easier and you won't have any regrets on not giving it your all.

bogeyd6 · 2016-09-07T00:47:21+00:00

paging /u/weakandsensitive

Title	Shit tests, STFU vs. Legit Complaints
Author	logger1234
Upvotes	3
Comments	28
Date	September 6, 2016 8:38 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/51hbii/shit_tests_stfu_vs_legit_complaints/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/shit-tests-stfu-vs-legit-complaints.207127 https://theredarchive.com/post/207127

Comments

STOP BEING A FUCK UP!