I thought I had it figured out.

walawalawa · 2018-07-11T12:00:17+00:00

It's over. But you cannot show any sort of over emotion.

Go about your day as per normal but immediately:

get a separate room in the house
do not fuck her anymore
keep all conversation in front of the kid regular
get a lawyer and protect all your assets
find a quick way to kick her out if legally possible but get legal advice on how to protect you assets and move towards a divorce.
start planning to reboot your life dude---you're free now.
Find a way to ensure you keep access to your kids.

abudun79 · 2018-07-11T10:54:07+00:00

Prepare to eject the raltionship on your terms, but remain clam until you've set it all up waterproof.

Search around, there have been some detailed posts about how to get out of there with the smallest possible harm.

zuhbooze · 2018-07-11T11:06:25+00:00

Apply the heaviest amount of dread you can offer. Accept what has happened, focus on you and your children and lawyer the fuck up.

Don't make any decisions based off emotions, let the dust settle and come to terms with your newfound reality. Unfortunately, you're holding a weak hand compared to her and you'll need to play your cards right if you want to come out of this with the least amount of damage dealt. Best of luck.

wkndatbernardus · 2018-07-11T15:58:00+00:00

Your "wife" did you a UGE favor by giving you a heads up about her cheating ways. This gives you the advantage of time to plan for the divorce. I would fein like you want to work it out but, quietly in the background, go about planning your escape route. Make her think you two are on the road to forgiveness and recovery while you consult an attorney and get your ducks in a row.

I would also be careful about starting any romantic relationships right now as then your wife can frame the divorce to your kids as if you both strayed and so it wasn't 100% her fault. Having your kids know she was the one that stepped outside the marriage while you remained faithful will be a big boost to your relationships with your kids, especially when they become adults.

FearGarbhArMait · 2018-07-11T11:21:25+00:00

Okay the only feasible advice you were given is to not react emotionally.

You were still together for 20 years and have 5 kids. Figure out for yourself if this is worth working on, no one on this board can decide this but you. Second you must decide how you will proceed.

Do not attempt to get even or bash her. Your children will resent you, let them discover how terrible she is. This will take time but will ultimately save your most important relationships.

This is all emotionally painful, keep focusing on your self improvement. Until you know exactly what you need to do, treat her as if nothing has happened. This attitude will give you control. Once you know what you want to do and have planned it out. Begin taking actions and keep it all discrete. Let everything be whatever it is and remain unphased.

You will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Tragedy's make men strong.

JordanRedfort · 2018-07-11T12:56:51+00:00

Consider yourself in a duel - your revolver is empty and your wife is holding a minigun. The person who you chose as your partner has now become your rival.

Step 1 - DO NOT EMOTIONALLY REACT. Right now you are not in a position of power and abundance. Your wife could pull the fucking trigger any second now and your ass will be pumped full of lead. Play your cards to perfection - a little bit of anger and resentment is fine and natural. Do not bring up the thought of divorce at all just yet. As difficult is it may seem, play it cool. Your goal here is to not get shot.

Step 2 - LEVER YOURSELF. When you decide to chat, set your phone to record. Wear a fucking wire if that’s what it takes. Have a civil conversation with your wife and get her to go into detail about what happened. Let her reveal who she was with and how frequently it happened. You might want to say “Wasn’t I a good partner? I’ve always treated you and the kids well, I’ve never cheated or come home drunk, right?” When she agrees, you’ve given yourself an incredible amount of leverage. Hold onto this with your life. This is your ticket out of this hell hole. At the very least, this will get her to drop her weapon.

Step 3 - GIVE YOURSELF OPTIONS. Right now your SMV is in the toilet. However, you are a man and your value is malleable. Rebuild the absolute fuck out of yourself. Channel all your rage and frustration into the gym. Read Machiavellian literature. Meditate and build an impenetrable frame. Read r/TheRedPill like it’s your Bible. A high SMV is the equivalent of loading your revolver with ammo.

Step 4 - STRIKE. I highly doubt you can repair your marriage. Divorce may be the best option, but that’s up to you to decide. Keep in mind that you do have five kids and a divorce will be a painful, exhausting and expensive process. Not just for you and your wife but it will have a massive impact on your kids and complicate the fuck out of everything. Consult with professionals - accountants and lawyers in particular. If you’ve followed the first three steps, you’re in a much better position. You might not get divorce raped as hard or at all.

MY PERSONAL ADVICE: Obviously I’m not in a position to tell you how to live your life, especially since I’ve never been in such a situation. But you are asking for advice, so here’s what I think you should do:

Follow my steps, and lay down the fucking law. Set your terms and conditions in stone. If she falls out of place, you’re in a position to take everything she knows and loves away from her. Find her thumbscrew. Find what makes her tick. If you want to fuck other women, tell her that you can sleep with any women you want to and it’s non-negotiable. Tell her to work and pay for her own meals and rent. Tell her to cook, clean and raise the kids with no complaints or you’ll leave her with nothing. Whatever the case may be, you can position yourself to win in this lose-lose scenario.

SharpestMarbel · 2018-07-11T13:41:58+00:00

1) Don't walk out. If you abandon the family home, then your chances of a favorable settlement will be less (i.e custody of kids, alimony, child support), as leaving the house indicates to courts that you are not involved. Under such circumstances the State will ensure you are involved by financial rape.

2) Remove any fantasy's you have about getting back at her financially by sticking her with the bills... won't happen. Not sure what country you are in (speaking from USA viewpoint here), but child support and alimony laws are designed to mitigate this from happening. That means you need to leave in a legally and financially smart way -- that takes planning.

3) She is coming back to you groveling... don't fall for her BS. You have seen the truth in the matrix and it can't be unseen. Hypergamy sucks and cheating women are intolerable. Don't discuss her cheating as that shows acceptance/forgiveness - and it will be a signal of weakness that you can be manipulated. You need her to think you are not weak and not vindictive at the same time… that will make her acquiescence to your plans easier.

4) Go to MRP or askMRP for posts about how to handle this. AskTRP is a good forum, but you need more specialized advice now.

quentinthequibbler · 2018-07-12T00:01:06+00:00

b/c the stay plan is the go plan....

Insist you both get tested for STD’s, Personally look at her visit summary and test results. Do this for as many months as doc recommends (at least 3, I think) She needs a pregnancy test as well.
Lift at a gym that has daycare. Bring all kids, have the 14yo’s work out with you. Leave her ass at home.
Start creating/reinforcing a rock solid relationship with all 5 kids. Do fun things. Help with homework. Cook with them. Turn the TV, game consoles, tablets and computers off now.
Put her through the ringer with owning her shit and apologizing. Get it in writing telling her you need to process it and it’s easier for you to do that in writing.
Tell her a way for her to start rebuilding trust is for her to go back int the workplace and contributing to the family.
Consult with an attorney privately- do not breath a word to anyone - and follow that attorney’s instructions.
Hopefully you can delay separation for a year without letting her in on the secret so you ca do a full drop on her when you’re ready and when she has decent income, your SMV is higher, and the kids feel very connected to you.
Get your diet under control and have fun with your new mission
Act as if the kids stay with you immediately and don’t tell her a thing. Just get shit done and incorporate them into your life. 10.Not for child support purposes but for their own health info, get all kids dna tested because some might be yours, some might not. Again, STFU about it.
Obvs she needs to quit drinking altogether unless she’s with you. GNO is over for a while.

From a dad of 5 who has been there.

HiredMind · 2018-07-11T14:00:45+00:00

leave her jobless ass with all the bills.

Protect YOURSELF, or you'll be supporting her for the rest of your life. Get a lawyer, and see if he has people who can make a complete copy of your wife's phone. Save all evidence of her infidelity.

Despite her grovelling, women can turn on a dime and rationalize any of their bad behavior when they need to. So don't believe anything she says.

SovereignSoul76 · 2018-07-11T15:45:35+00:00

"Edit - I should add that the reason she told me is that she's done with cheating and will "do anything" to make it right. She handed me her phone and did a lot of grovelling."

My advice: if you believe that crap, you deserve whatever happens to you.

Memeandmesomemore · 2018-07-11T17:23:24+00:00

One other thing - she got drunk 6 different times and had sex with 6 different men.

So after the first time she was so racked with guilt she headed straight back down to the bar for round 2?

Then round 3?

She's definitely only told you because either she was about to get busted, she has an STD, she's pregnant, or something else equally as bad.

RandomlyChosenTitle · 2018-07-12T04:34:16+00:00

It feels good to think about being vindictive, but you're ultimately attacking your children by doing so. Their mother is the most important woman in their life, so whatever damage you do to her influences them (esp the younger ones). Get out of her frame and do what's best for YOU.

I'll add this on to the other advice you've gotten. You no longer owe her anything, and that includes a timely decision or transparency regarding what you plan to do. Lift, read the sidebar (here and MRP), do fun shit with friends, bond with your kids, invest in new clothes (wait until you make some progress in the gym though)... anything that helps your peace of mind.

Most importantly, put some money away. Either as a starting over fund if you choose to leave or a just in case/fuck you fund for later (since she is no longer to be trusted...ever).

Morphs_ · 2018-07-12T06:46:59+00:00

She handed me her phone and did a lot of grovelling.

Probably after clearing out the worst texts.

Anyway, there are two possible roads here. One is that you divorce because she cheated, which is what most guys will advice so I don't expand on that.

Second is that you now have been gifted an open marriage and thus have a free pass at fucking other women. This way you stay together for the kids mostly. You do your own thing, the dread and improved frame may make her into a lovely housewife actually, just don't expect things to ever get to normal again. You can divorce when the kids are 18. My aunt actually went this route and it worked quite well. But you must be able to emotionally distance yourself from your wife while keeping up appearances, which depending on your character may be difficult.

[deleted] · 2018-07-11T12:35:28+00:00

Hit up /r/askMRP and go from there. They deal with this situation all the time. You need to use her phone to gather and make backups of evidence of her cheating first and foremost.

Memeandmesomemore · 2018-07-11T13:48:26+00:00

You need to dump her, but the worrying thing is why she's told you and is acting "sorry".

They only do that if some serious shit is about to hit some fan or another, so there's probably a nasty surprise lurking there for you somewhere.

Victor-James · 2018-07-11T16:35:25+00:00

She told me she's done with cheating and will do anything to make it right

I'm pretty sure I don't have to tell you this but don't for a second believe this nonsense. Sure she may be done with cheating now since her Alpha Chad got tired of her ass but you will always know in the back of her mind what she is capable of.

I am sorry you are in this situation OP. Like others have mentioned, don't react with emotion. Your focus and attention should be on the well being of your children.

You may have ways to go in the single game but I assure you are the making the right step by discussing it here with us. Once you start respecting yourself, women will as well.

suckisuckilongtime · 2018-07-11T17:24:04+00:00

I’m sorry this happened to you, I know you will come out of it happier in stronger even if it takes some time. Stay strong brother.

Elitevaz · 2018-07-11T18:08:49+00:00

I think everyone is going to have a different opinion in here. The most important thing that I think everyone can agree on, is to not react emotionally and keep everything going as though nothing happened.

This is a critical point where you need to setup what will happen next. In order for that to happen, you need to understand what YOU want, in order to know how you are going to proceed. I'm paying for 2 kids right now and it's huge drain on my finances. Being able to eat the way I need to for gym life, update my wardrobe, and even go out for drinks are serious financial difficulties with my income vs obligations. You might not have that problem, but it will become less efficient for sure. I feel like I could forgive a 20 year wife, but it depends on her motivation for doing what she did. If she was looking for love, then it's over. That just basically means she tried a branch swing and it failed. She'll try it again later, so she isn't worth it. If it were something temporary and physical then it's harder decision, because you don't want her to get comfortable laying with any Chad around here with enough alpha skills to convince her to bend over. Then you are cuck. The main thing is protecting your finances and kids emotional state. This is going to require some true emotional strength that you may need to change the way you see their mother in order to get past. I'm not going to try and give you advice about dealing with the court, I have 0 experience with that, I'd say meet with a lawyer to discuss that. Getting stabbed in the back is going to be one the most difficult emotional challenges you may have to deal with, but hold your frame and you can come out on top, how ever you envision winning that to be.

Occams_Stubble · 2018-07-11T19:25:15+00:00

Regardless of what path you choose, do your utmost to obtain evidence of her infidelity. It will useful whether you decide to divorce her or she decides to divorce you. Her verbal admission means nothing without proof and if it comes down to it is her sister going to tell the truth about the admission or lie to protect her sister.

johnnight · 2018-07-12T00:14:17+00:00

ALL women want to do it at some point in their life. What has changed is that we have lost religion as the main factor that has repressed people from 'following their dreams' aka biological urges.

I smoke sometimes. If I believed that God will send me to Hell for it, I would not.

JDRoedell · 2018-07-12T01:22:37+00:00

Time to go Machiavellian. Laws of Power. Telegraph nothing. Build your exit plan. This is the beginning of the rest of your life. I’m sorry to hear this happened.

Floaty_McBoatface · 2018-07-12T09:18:46+00:00

Heartbreaking. My advice, operating from the assumption that you WANT to give her a chance,

1) Find out from a lawyer what your options are - but don't take any action until you've thought it through.

2) Gym every day. Be selfish about improving yourself: This is not a covert contract, it's about YOU.

2) Ask yourself if you could endure the suffering needed to try and salvage this; it's no joke, your mental health is on the line, and this is where guys in our situation end up offing themselves. (Chumplady is a good place to look for perspective on unicorns).

3) Regardless of what YOU want, sorry, it's almost certainly over. Do not give an inch on your boundaries. If her actions should EVER not match her stated desire to stay, that is as close as she will get to telling you that it's over.

4) Most important: Face this squarely, because if you turn to bogus hope, alcohol, drugs, etc, you're going to dig a hole that you might not be able to climb out of.

5) Remember: She's just your wife, it's not like you own her. Your life is going to be better, with or without her, as long as you get off your ass and make the most of yourself.

ChokingDownRP · 2018-07-12T14:36:43+00:00

Sorry you're in this situation OP. Add others have said, don't act quickly out of emotion. Time to be very selfish, and stack the deck entirely in your favor while never letting on that you plan to leave her (assuming you will leave her over this). STD tests are a must. Paternity tests are a must. Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Get her working at a paying job ASAP. Stash cash for yourself ASAP. Take 100% control of your finances ASAP. If you play this right you can minimize the amount of spousal support you'll pay and you and your lawyer will be way ahead of her by the time you drop YOUR bomb.

Handle her any way you like, after STD testing, I'd treat her as my fuck doll to practice for all the strange you'll be nailing after you leave her. Push every boundary, degrade her, have crazy sex. There's a phase after someone cheats called hysterical bonding... go crazy and enjoy it, but don't let sex convince you that she cares... she already clearly demonstrated otherwise.

wheresMYsteakAt · 2018-07-11T13:19:52+00:00

Please tell me exactly how she broke it to you, who the guy is and were there any signs you see now that you missed before

dulkemaru51 · 2018-07-12T00:10:43+00:00

Get her to confess on audio. Get a lawyer. I'm guessing that your objective is to get as much out of this financially and parentally as possible. So get the leverage and plan hard. Any possible revenge such as smearing her name should come after.

Sympathies as fuck, bro.

Bedtimeshine · 2018-07-12T07:44:37+00:00

She Number 1. She told you because she had to. Her cover got blown somewhere, some how. Number 2. STD test 3. Paternity tests 4. Talk to a lawyer and have her served. Do all steps to gather facts, truths and reconciliation steps (if you choose that route) with divorce process already in place. Consequences before reconciliation.

Merwebb · 2018-07-12T12:55:40+00:00

Just curious, any situation at home that you think had led to this???

alvaro10101 · 2018-07-11T12:04:26+00:00

Happened to my brother in law too.. My sister just flat out dumped him after 3 kids just because he wanted her more at home.. Don't be like him. Miserable, living at his parents. Choose strength over weakness. Because in the end, you always have a choice. Don't be weak to her. Kids are resilient, they'll cope.

BobbyPeru · 2018-07-11T22:26:03+00:00

I think he meant until he drops the bomb on her. But, yes Dread is out the window once the courts are involved.

fullyincorruptible · 2018-07-12T15:26:05+00:00

Thanks to everyone for the advice. It's been a rough 36 hours. I'm going to delete all records of this post because someone I know may see it or figure out who I am.

Title	I thought I had it figured out.
Author	fullyincorruptible
Upvotes	25
Comments	53
Date	July 11, 2018 10:41 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/8xyi4k/i_thought_i_had_it_figured_out/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/i-thought-i-had-it-figured-out.102403 https://theredarchive.com/post/102403

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