Having trouble seducing myself

pillsbandydoughboy · 2013-05-14T16:17:12+00:00

To be honest, I'm not sure. I heard working out would increase my confidence and make me look better, so I dropped 90 lbs and gained substantial muscle. It didn't help. I thought getting better style would help, so I started getting expensive haircuts and dressing much better. I decided to work on body language, so I learned to develop better posture, maintaining eye contact, and looking generally happy. I thought doing more things that I felt passionate about would help me love myself more, so I started volunteering at an animal shelter and started trying out more hobbies. I also figured I would put myself out there more, so I started going out more and talking to people. I've tried faking the whole confidence thing for over a year.

I'm actually more miserable now than I was a year and a half ago, as I feel like a failure in regards to this whole seduction thing as I see people talking about how this has worked for them and how they are attractive to women. I must be inherently inferior. I want to blame it still on the way I look, but I honestly don't know anymore.

I suppose all I can tell you is just try to be passionate. The only times I don't dwell on my failures with women anymore is when I'm doing my volunteer work, as I can tell these animals don't care what I look like or judge me based on my past. They are just happy to have someone caring for them and working to get them a permanent home with a happy family.

I really hope you (and me both) find what were looking for. All I can give you is that one piece of advice, and to know that you aren't alone. I'm rooting for you.

chakde1 · 2013-05-14T14:54:23+00:00

You just described me to a T. Here's hoping you find answers.

txjohndoetx · 2013-05-14T15:24:42+00:00

This is a problem I'm facing too. It feels like anything I do is a token effort to eventually get girls and not something I really care to do. I'm at least making an effort but it feels like I'm doing it for the wrong reasons

HugzMonster · 2013-05-14T15:42:00+00:00

Do you enjoy reading? That might be a suitable replacement for the video games. This is coming from someone who formerly raided in a top US WoW guild for 6 years before deciding to invest in my actual self instead of my toons. After being free from WoW for over a year now, I've gone back to playing the guitar, giving lessons, working out regularly, and I just recently registered to do an open mic night at a local comedy club here.

DrBorisGobshite · 2013-05-14T18:00:33+00:00

This sounds like an issue i've had. Are you by any chance quite a laid back kind of guy? I'm extremely laid back, nothing really bothers me a great deal which is great in that i'm very calm and chilled out most of the time but I find it very hard to get passionate about something.

For me I came to realisation that I'm not a passionate sort of guy and came to some sort of acceptance over that. That's not to say i'm some dullard that sits around all day twiddling my thumbs and has nothing interesting to talk about though. Like you I have interests and activities that I enjoy doing and also that I enjoy talking to other people about.

I think the key for you may just be learning how to talk more about the stuff that interests you. You like Sports and you work out, those are two great topics that you can talk about. Also, if you don't do this already, have an opinion about everything.

A few final things. Firstly, I aim to be the best at everything I do and you should too. Being the best for me was the easiest way of getting passionate about the most important thing in my life - me. I may not give two hoots about my job but I very much care about my reputation for excellence and doing the best job I can.

Secondly, when you were a kid you must have had a job you wanted to do when you grew up. For most boys it's something like being a sports star or an astronaut, something that quickly becomes unobtainable. For me it was racing in F1, I wanted to be the next Schumacher. Obviously never going to happen, however that doesn't mean I can't go down my local race track and be an amteur racing driver. Taking the last point into account as well, I wanted to be the best dam amateur on that track. That meant getting a better job for more disposable income which meant going to college, working out so I was peak physical condition, learning from my brother the mechanics of the car so I could set it up to be as fast as possible, etc. So now i've got all these interesting things, I'm meeting all sorts of new people and what's more i'm living my dream to the best of my ability.

One exercise that might help you as well, plan out what a dream or ideal lifestyle would be for you. Not just a vague plan but a very detailed, intricate plan. Where would you live, what sort of house, how much would it cost, how would you pay for that, what car would you drive, what sort of food would you eat. It gives you a target to aim for and a tangible plan to get to that target as well as something really awesome to talk to people about. Most of us are just plodding along without much thought of where we are going, it makes you instantly stand out when you know exactly where you want to go.

I apologise for the length and sort of scatter gun approach to answering that question. One last thing, there's nothing wrong with chilling out and playing a few video games after you've worked your ass off all day.

mighty_panders · 2013-05-14T18:39:34+00:00

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achinator · 2013-05-14T17:12:15+00:00

My advice is to stop playing video games altogether. Back in college I was hooked on CoD and I used to just play for hours after class. Take all this time and effort that you are putting into getting better at something that in the end has no real meaning and put it into something that will reward you in the future. You could spend that time learning a skill instead. Hell I even learned how to do handstands and juggle and stuff like that when I was bored. Great party tricks and fun to do. Read, ask people you know that read for recommendations. Go out and make the most of each day that way you have things you've done with your life that you're proud of and excited to talk to people about. I'm really into mountain biking now and I ride about 3 times a week for an hour or so on top of going to the gym. For a while I wouldn't go unless I had friends come with me, but it's something I love doing, so I go riding by myself a lot now. I'm passionate about it, I'm getting better at it all the time, and every time I go out I invite all of my friends. Now I'm "the bike guy" and I help people fix up their bikes and I lead the groups everywhere we go. People I don't know recognize me when I go out because I ride around my town so much. haha Just try new stuff all the time and something will stick. Then share it with anyone that's interested.

MarkyBhoy101 · 2013-05-14T20:15:20+00:00

You're stuck in a comfy little rut and to get out of it you need to throw yourself into situations you're not comfortable in.

Quit your job and move to Hawaii and learn to surf for a year and tell me you're not passionate about something. Go to a country where you need to learn another language to communicate with people and tell me you find it hard to bond with people. These are extreme examples but there's so much you can do. Sell all the stuff you don't need like your TV, games consoles, DVD's etc. and force yourself to go out and socialise. Sell your car, buy a motorcycle and go on an adventure. Learn a martial art, build a business, do a porn film, go to Amsterdam for a month and do nothing but get high and fuck.

Get out there and live life!

2013-05-16T01:34:55+00:00

Please do not dismiss this until you have finished reading it:

It won't happen the way you are looking. I'm one hundred percent honest about that. It just won't. You can't go "find" your passion, as romantic as that sounds. You have to make passion. It's a sad fallacy we have that you have to find yourself or find your passion. To a degree, you can find things that have an affinity to your personality or likes, but that is about it.

There's a professor/reverend named Tony Campolo who went over this subject. He pointed out that he always has kids come into his class every semester who say they won't be back because they have to "find themselves." You're doing the same thing with passion. He has yet to have a student who said "Oh doc, I found myself just north of Cincinnati." You're not going to find a passion because passion comes from doing something until it is literally a part of your life and a definition of who you are. It takes dedication to become passionate.

I hated coffee until I worked at a coffee shop for a long time. I quit on multiple occasions because I hated the job. It wasn't until I actually decided to force myself to learn about coffee, study the process, and work a ton that I grew passionate about coffee. The same goes for English, which is my degree, and MMA. They are things I was interested in, but did not become passions until I put a shit ton of work into them. In the same way, seduction is becoming a passion of mine because I'm putting work into it.

Understand that what you think and feel will affect what you do a bit, but the opposite is much more true: What you do will affect how you think and feel. That is when you find passion.

TL;DR: Passionate interests are like a new pair of underwear: at first they're constricting, but after a while, they become a part of you.

Believenothing · 2013-05-14T15:48:38+00:00

All of you sounded like me about a year ago. Fist thing you have to do is cut back on playing video games! They do absolutely nothing for your social life and take up valuable time you could be using to research events, festivals, or hobbies. I found what I'm passionate about by accepting invites to anything and everything I was invited to do. If you have no idea where to start that's not true. You already should know what you really are not passionate about so you can write a list of things you want to try and move them over once you find it's something you would want to do again. Not all passions are things you can do every day. Ex. One of my best friends passion is drifting cars and he can only due it once every few months because he has to save up for it. He spends most of his spare time prepping for it . He would've never found it had he not gone out with a friend and tried it. As for my passion it's traveling and seeing new places I get excited to go visit other states, countries, landmarks, oceans just go out and you shall find your passion.

WarehouseJim · 2013-05-14T15:50:18+00:00

I'll give you my honest opinion but understand it might not be well received. Stop playing video games. It's not a hobby that's interesting to talk about. Girls are a huge minority in the gaming world so unless you're totally committed to meeting a girl like that, you'd be better off finding a more relatable interest. My other issue with video games is that they don't expand your mind. Read, pick up an instrument, find new music, learn to cook, travel, or join a sports league. Everyone can be passionate about something, find what it is for you. If you can speak and be genuinely interested in whatever you're talking about, people will appreciate it regardless of what it is. You even say you kill time with video games, why not use it to better yourself?

*added a word

recyclablebantha · 2013-05-14T17:50:24+00:00

Hey everyone, I am trying to figure out how to become a better me period. But my biggest problem is that I am not passionate about anything.....I want to find something that I love to do and am able to talk about, or build actual bonds with others over, and I just don't even know where to start. I was hoping that some of you could give me some ideas of things to try, or maybe tell me how you found your passion.

First off, don't let what FireMarshallBillBurns said worry you too much. There's a lot more going on than he mentioned. Your situation probably isn't as complicated as his is.

Secondly, where you are concerned.... I'm not sure I understand your question. Answer these questions:

___Some questions_____

Do you have anything you've been curious to try?
Something that you look forward to doing or watching?
What subjects are you attracted to? What are you already spending your time, money, and energy on?
What do you love to learn or talk about?

And think about the following actions.....

___Some suggestions for action_____

Take some classes in a variety of things you think might be interesting. Sometimes only by trying something, can you discover what you love.
Go DO some of these things you're curious about. Get off the chair, log off of Reddit and get out there and dive in.

chillmonkey88 · 2013-05-14T18:07:42+00:00

this is a great thread because I think personally a lot of people feel this (hell I do too to add to the list) but the reason I read this subreddit is just things I try to improve on to be a better person... I will never be a ladies man however I am and always will be a man... so I don't go clubbing and see if i can get 15 phone#'s you don't need to... if your passionate about other things op... then focus on those... 3 years ago I was in deeper slump than you sound like your in... more hair on my back than head, single dad, lived at home, out of shape, broke, LOWER than low self esteem... and I thought that the only way to be happy was to be socially active and look and dress nice to put myself out there... fast forward to now and I have a totally new outlook... shaved head and body, GREAT single dad, still live at home (by choice), deese job with good pay bnfits and growth potential, new love of the iron temple, always in a good mood and confident as all hell... why because I stop trying to form to the ladies man/master seducer mold... all in all you need to find you, if I had the same mind set here at 26 when I 18... I'd probably be married and have like three kids and enjoying that... I know this is a long summary of me and my advice but the point is... FIND YOU. The rest will fit in accordingly like a puzzle, your not put together all the way yet.

philosarapter · 2013-05-14T18:21:20+00:00

Try volunteering at a charity event. You'll be helping other people, feeling good about yourself for doing good things, and telling the story of how you help out on the weekends will be sure to get you brownie points in anyone's mind.

n1nj4_v5_p1r4t3 · 2013-05-14T19:07:30+00:00

Stop video games. Dont pick up tv, pick up a book instead. Read in public.

winndixie · 2013-05-14T20:08:55+00:00

You're fine. What you need to establish now is an unbreakable bond with your friends. If someone new comes along will they still hang out with you? What makes them choose guy x, over you?

domoisbongo · 2013-05-14T21:25:24+00:00

Astronomy and/or cosmology, read up on some science. Read about the stars, our planet, where life came from. It'll make you appreciate life more.

Try /r/space, /r/science, /r/astronomy, Pale Blue Dot or find out about Chris Hadfield and the ISS.

I was in a similar situation to you until I stumbled across Carl Sagan and Neil deGrasse Tyson, and now I know what I'm interested and passionate about.

ortofon88 · 2013-05-14T21:25:44+00:00

How to feel excited about life? This morning i woke up and started dancing and laughing at myself for no real reason other than im enjoying life. I believe a couple books pointed be i. The right direction -

the power of now by eckart tolle
the tao te ching translated by stephen mitchell (also on audiobook at itunes)

These two really changed my perceptions about how i go about my way.

WillRedditForBitcoin · 2013-05-14T21:31:12+00:00

I have a similar problem. I'm very meh about most things. I don't get excited about going out and doing things. I don't even watch TV shows I used to love because I can't be bothered with them. I would be out chatting to hot women and not even bother to try and get laid. I wanted to go buy a quadcopter with a built in cam and fly it around but now I can't be bothered. I think I'm depressed and just happy being depressed lol Could we be depressed and not know it?

thebigdoobley · 2013-05-14T22:18:51+00:00

And women dont love you?

agentargoh · 2013-05-15T00:37:47+00:00

Do the 30 Days to be a Better Man Challenge from the artofmanliness. I HIGHLY recommend it.

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2009/06/30/30-days-to-a-better-man-wrap-up/

chef2deaf · 2013-05-15T02:49:33+00:00

Go out & do stuff just for fun. there's no point in improving your game if you can't enjoy it, it's only one party of your life. Join an improv group, local video game tournaments, a bowling team, start playing in a basketball or softball league at your gym. Do something that you enjoy & relax while doing. Don't think of it as improving yourself just recreation. The important thing is to do things with other people. The comradery/competition over something you enjoy with others will help to build that passion.

nahdawgnahh · 2013-05-15T07:03:43+00:00

Are you creative in any way? Music/art is always a solid choice.

If not, perhaps something that will require you to start a mission, particularly with a group. Like decide to run a marathon or something, and joining a training group. Lifting is a bit solitary, and kind of never-ending, so maybe a physical pursuit with a defined goal would give you the center you're looking for.

MrOneironaut · 2013-05-15T07:49:12+00:00

Do you find video games fun? Then maybe they are a hobby/passion for you. Many girls play and enjoy video games too.

If you just use video games as simply time killers, then maybe it is time to stop and do something else. I used to play video games with my extra time even though I really wasn't that interested in them. I was simply too lazy to find things I was actually interested in. I gave up playing video games with my extra time, and spent that time looking for things I actually enjoy. It can be easy to do things you don't like (in my case video games), but if you rely on these to fill your time you will never have time to explore any real interests.

2013-05-15T14:31:16+00:00

I was in firefighter 1 training in high school, over the weekends, until a car accident killed the girl I lost my virginity to, and severely wounded me. Unable to finish firefighter (which is an easy class) I signed up for EMS, and now that I've made a full recovery I still won't go back to firefighter. (I now call em hose-jockies)

It won't get you laid. But its a lot more satisfying than a lot of things that do.

ladyofthelakes · 2013-05-22T03:29:17+00:00

For me my passions came to me naturally. I have many, but I can't remember looking for them. Hmm, what an interesting thought. Nice post! I hope you find your passion one day.

2013-05-15T02:06:58+00:00

Pray to God for forgiveness of your sins, repent and be saved by the cross, develop a deep sense of convictions on moral issues, and the passion will pour naturally out of that like a spring. Moral ambiguity and inner emptiness are the #1 reason for lack of passion.

Having trouble seducing myself

Comments

4 Sooner or later, fixing your inner game has got to involve getting new friends. Seriously. The ones you've mentioned before are a virus in your life. And it makes me fucking ill to read about the effects of their influence on your life.

Title	Having trouble seducing myself
Author	bsjay
Upvotes	76
Comments	75
Date	May 14, 2013 2:31 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1ebdbc/having_trouble_seducing_myself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/having-trouble-seducing-myself.1352276 https://theredarchive.com/post/1352276