I was in 7 year long relationship and learned being single is underrated

Today I will talk about the broken mentality men have when dating and living life in general that’s making them fragile and weak.

Not only that, living like this constantly leads to perpetual state of dissatisfaction and loss of personal identity.

In my posts I sometimes mention the fact that in the last 12 months I have dated more than 100 women, and there are always a few comments saying - “Well, you must be doing something wrong because if you’re going on that many dates and cannot find THE WOMEN”

And the premise of that argument is that you are going on dates to find THE WOMEN (girlfriend, wife) and if you don’t find her, it’s not a success and you are “wasting your time” dating.

And this is how most guys treat dating - like a job interview looking for someone to fill that role of girlfriend or life partner.

Or should I say - desperately looking for someone. Because most guys are extremely lonely and frustrated when single. They have no one to talk to, have sex with or wake up to on Sunday mornings.

They are forced to go out there in the world, interact with strangers, face rejection after rejection - and all of this takes time, work, energy and is very uncomfortable.

So the thought of someone taking all of these problems away seems appealing - with a girlfriend you can just stay at home snuggling under your duvet, watching Netflix, get constant sex and validation and you don’t have to worry about dating anymore. Seems appealing right?

Well, let me tell you my experience of someone who was in a 7 year long relationship. First few years are great, you have the honeymoon phase where everything is going well, you are having all these adventures, sleeping over at each other's house, spending days together and not getting bored at all. Me and my ex even joked at one point - being in a relationship is so easy and fun, why is everyone making it so difficult?

But at some point things start to go south. You start having more arguments and they start to get more petty. Both of you have noticed things you don’t like about each other and you consciously or subconsciously are trying to change them which builds up resentment. You slowly start to lose physical attraction and having sex less often. If the relationship is long enough, you also start to change as a person, and she does as well and mathematically speaking, chances are you change in different directions. And finally you realise you are happier when you’re apart or with your friends than when you are with her.

And now you are in a predicament - the relationship has been so long that you simply cannot imagine your life without her. You have things together, memories together. Even if you are not as attracted to her as you were before, she still knows what turns you on and what to do (because you have had sex hundreds or even thousands of times). Also even if you argue a lot, at least you have someone to talk to. And the idea of being single after such a long time seems so scary that anything is better than that, so you tell yourself that “things are not that bad”.

However, things do get even worse, and then what do you do? Well, of course you “work on it”. Relationship books and exercises, counselling, arranged date nights, new toys etc. It usually helps for a little but slowly you both come to the realisation you are not happy anymore and then it’s just time until one of you owns up and says what both of you should have said a long time ago - “I cannot do this anymore”.

This is a cycle a lot of my male friends have gone through as well as a lot of my students who used to be in long term relationships, some of them much longer than mine (15+ years). The duration might change and you might have multiple cycles but the general gist is the same.

And the important conclusion you reach after you finally break up and heal is that no relationship will make you happy. Ironically, guys who seek out a long term relationship the most and criticise me for dating multiple women now are the ones who have never had a long term relationship.

It’s the same thing when rich people tell you that money doesn’t solve all your problems, but people in the middle class don’t buy this and think - “I will believe it when I see it” and keep on chasing the dream.

So is having a relationship bad? Not at all, relationships are great. But what’s bad is IDOLISING them. Thinking that they are inherently better than being single. Thinking they will give you the ultimate sense of happiness.

We in society have been conditioned to seek completion. We go to kindergarten and once that finishes, the next stage is school. Once that finishes, next is university. Then a job, house, marriage, kids, retirement and death.

Everything is already planned, and we are constantly seeking completion. And if we find ourselves without a girlfriend, we feel incomplete. 

Same thing without a job. A lot of people simply cannot live with the thought of having no job (even when they have some savings). Because if you have no job, you often lose your sense of identity (which is often tied to your job) and others might think you are a loser. And ironically, you go through exactly the same stages with a job than with a relationship - first it’s great, then it becomes boring, you try to fix things but at some point things just become so bad you either quit or get fired.

There is a term called “arrival fallacy” which psychologists use to describe the mistaken belief that happiness will come once a certain milestone (like a job or relationship) is achieved. In reality, each achievement creates a new “must-do” that perpetuates the cycle of seeking rather than being content.

But the dangerous thing is that you try to hold on to these idolised states and hence become inflexible and fragile. You are miserable in your relationship but you cannot leave because you don’t know how to be happy single. You are unhappy in your job but you have no other source of income, so you are forced to stay.

As I have said multiple times, you should be able to be happy in any state you are. Right now I don’t have “one official girlfriend” but I still see girls and we do a lot of the stuff “a couple would do” - see a movie, go grab food, have intimate talks and wake up on Sunday mornings. However, I have let go of the illusion of the soulmate hence I am not afraid if things end with that particular girl because I know I can get another one. But it’s definitely not just having “casual sex” and what most people consider “being single” is.

What I have realised is that if you really break it down, what most people consider being in a relationship is physical attachment + emotional attachment + time spent together + exclusivity + logistics where

• physical relatability= you find each other physically attractive, have great sex etc.
• emotional relatability = you can relate to each other, be vulnerable, have conversations etc
• Time spent together (self explanatory)
• Exclusivity = you agree not to sleep with other people
• Logistics = you agree to move in, get mortgage together, raise kids, build family etc

You can have different relationships, but for most people the only true relationship is monogamous relationship when you move in and spend all of your time together.

And for me personally, I don’t care about logistics and exclusivity, but what I care about instead is physical and emotional relatability, and the fact I am not exclusive or don’t share a house doesn’t mean I am not in a relationship, it just means it’s a different one.

So am I saying you need to avoid being in a classic relationship? Of course not, I had a great time being in a classic relationship and I learned a lot.

What I am saying is that stop thinking being in a classic relationship will make you ultimately happy and set you free.

Stop thinking that “being single” or “dating” is a waste of time and inferior to being in a relationship. Both have their own problems and both are just states.

Stop avoiding discomfort which comes with being not in a “classic relationship” which is going out there, working on your social skills, getting rejected because those things improve you massively as a person.

Stop seeking completion and instead realise you will never be complete and the point of life is to always keep growing - not to get validation from your mom or a stranger but because the journey and progress is what life is all about.

We all die in the end anyways, and all things end one way or another, including all your relationships.