What “Just be yourself” actually means

Dodechaedron · 2021-01-04T07:16:06+00:00

Means 'don't force a fake persona'. Develop your own style.

LanceTheMoose1515 · 2021-01-04T04:18:47+00:00

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MisterShogunate · 2021-01-04T05:17:44+00:00

Being yourself is the best advice unless you are socially retarded, otherwise, be anyone other than yourself until you get enough social experience to not be retarded when you are being yourself.

Ensifror · 2021-01-04T13:13:13+00:00

Be yourself. Is a bad way to put it.

"be the best version of yourself" is more accurate.

You want to be constantly improving on yourself. Not stagnating in your current state of self.

sealthemeowmere · 2021-01-04T12:55:27+00:00

I disagree. Don't be yourself, but be a better person. Yourself = weak, lazy etc. If you're really want success in life (later with girls) you must change yourself, your mindset to constantly improve.

Flowhill · 2021-01-04T19:41:43+00:00

In my experience when people say 'just be yourself' is that you shouldn't exhibit behaviors just for the sake of getting a reaction out of someone else. Such as faking interests, doing dumb shit, going (miles) out of your way for someone (lack of inner frame). People think that's fake and they are right. Don't be fake.

There's power in being honest, towards others, but mostly towards yourself. Being honest about your flaws, recognizing them, and working on them day by day. Becoming your best self, as you put it.

Pringles__ · 2021-01-04T15:46:16+00:00

"Just be yourself" is very bad advice, we are all currently being ourselves. When someone says "I'm not good with girls, that's how I am", this is just a shitty excuse.

We should rather use "free yourself" (from people's judgement) which translates into "stop being needy" or "stop giving a fuck".

You should not seek to be what you currently are, freeing yourself requires a lot of self-work.

A nice guy who tries to get into girls' pants by being nice to them and not telling them he wants to fuck them is already being himself. What he is not is free. He doesn't dare to ask them out, he doesn't dare to escalate things because he cares more about what they think of him than what he thinks of them. So, he is very needy, he gives a fuck about what they think and he is not free.

In other words, be the king of your world. Don't put anyone on a pedestal. Respect people but don't put them on a pedestal, your needs come before theirs.

TheBookOfSeil · 2021-01-04T17:47:47+00:00

"Just be yourself" has nothing to do with improving yourself, and it only works if "yourself" is already someone good. If you're not good enough and unsuccessful in dating, you can't just be yourself. That's why it's bad advice usually said by people who fell into a relationship and didn't have to do a whole lot to find one.

GamerForImprovement · 2021-01-04T23:03:13+00:00

I have gripes with "be yourself" for 2 reasons:

(A) i feel alot of male directed "advice" is more excuses to explain failure rather than actual advice to move forward. More used as an attack to shut guys up than actual advice to help.

Notice how people call literal cries for help "excuses". If it was actual advice, and people were actually looking to give advice, when guys go "but" to the "advice" the natural reaction SHOULD be to go deeper into the problem as all education do when you ask "but" or "why". Instead people get angry that guys dont immediately take the advice and return goin "hey i just fucked 9 chicks last night your advice rules".

Of course people who have experienced failure are gonna doubt and offer rebuttals to "advice" if instead of understanding its immediately branding them with various titles and etc. you're not trying to "help"

And

(B) its a disingenuous half truth.

Another bit ive noticed in more male directed advice (saying this from a male pov because ive never really seen/heard/experienced women struggle with dating so i cant really add my 2 cents on that perspective) is the refusal to tell the truth about women. Often times seeing goal posts move or people treating women like an equation, or a robot.

They dont wanna admit sometimes you can do things right and she can not like you, or sometimes women can be shallow, or sometimes you just need to find the right type of woman like literally you just dont match up. Often times when these "explanations" are used its once again as an attack and never just a matter of fact.

This is just how humans are. Yet people constantly act like it's always your fault, no matter the woman if youre a generic "good guy" tm. she'll date you because every single woman on this earth is without flaw and perfect so if you didn't date her/she doesn't like you then its your fault and you need to fix your problems. These people think they're "one upping the incels" yet dont see how they're treating women like a predictable program where a + b = woman gained. "There's no possible way youre a good guy and she didnt like you, all women will always date a good guy so that must mean youre a nice guy incel wanting sex" or. Or. Or. Or. Maybe he was nice and she wasn't into him???

Just "be yourself" doesn't also say "she may not like you, thats okay" or "maybe you just aren't fit for her, thats okay" or even "she's out of your league, you should move on, thats okay" its just "be you, and if that doesnt work then "you" are wrong"

It would be better to actually look at what a guy is looking for then move from there. "These things aren't liked" "these things are liked" "if you know this a problem that you wanna change then try to fix it" "if you dont wanna give this up then youre gonna have to accept X,Y,Z"

The "just be yourself" "advice" is just a general half assed bandaid imo.

But thats just me.

CypherMX · 2021-01-04T09:02:25+00:00

Let's say a random kid has a bad trauma and becomes mute, he completely stops talking and adapts this into his personality. This kid obviously starts to struggle with other people. Kids don't want to play with him, adults don't want to deal with him. Nobody in their right mind would tell this kid to just be yourself and own his flaw, everyone would rightfully point out that he should get therapy and get over his trauma so that he can speak again. That was extreme example but I think my point stands. There are some things about who we are that hinder us and we should improve that.

kshm_an · 2021-01-04T06:09:39+00:00

Yes, this is right. If you are fat, then don't take the 'just be yourself' advice and stay fat. Get up and trim that fat away. Learn to distinguish between your unique points and your flaws.

Tacko86 · 2021-01-04T16:05:15+00:00

Just be yourself is a really bad advice simply because men who need tips on dating women are usually so bad at it (I certainly was when I started years ago) that 'being yourself' is not enough. They usually have a fundamentally wrong perspective on women, sex, attraction, etc., and a major lack of inner game.

Furthermore, saying that being yourself means you need to improve yourself... Well, no it doesn't mean that. It means to stay the same. At least that is what it sounds like and what most people think when they hear that.

You need to fake it a bit till you really make it. You need to try different things. Only after a while, when you make certain progress, can you go back and incorporate it into your old self. And become an improved self. And it's an ongoing process.

I do agree though that you need to own your flaws and that you need to work on them. Knowing who you are and what you are about is of major importance.

wollywowmadison · 2021-01-04T17:47:19+00:00

Only issue I take with this, is who gets to define "best self" and what are or aren't inherent flaws? If the girls I talk to and hang around say a certain trait about me is bad, but that trait happens to bring me joy regardless of women's disapproval of it, is it ideal for me to change or not change that? But if an individual defines this for themselves, then it's kind of meaningless since most people would attest to "being themselves" on a regular basis and it's back to square 1. Exactly what mixture of totally self generated behavior and peer pressure to act certain ways is the best? 60/40? 75/25? What amount? Because tbh, if I have to entirely surrender my tiny bit of Free Will I do have, to the whims of other people for them to even give me a chance, lets just say I would rather not live that way, and I mean that in the most literal way possible.

CypherMX · 2021-01-04T18:16:53+00:00

Your post was confusing to me. Here's what I mean..

Pple say "own it" when there is something you can't change that makes you insecure, like being very short for example. In this context it's not a flaw but rather a perceived disadvantage. You can only say to a guy like that to "own it" bcs there is no way to fix it. If he makes peace with being short then he can move forward with life and at least learn to wear it like an armor so it can never be used to hurt him.

I hope you can understand now why it confused me when you wrote to own your flaw, and then fix it. Makes no sense to me. If you have a flaw, a real one, then it should be perfectly fixable. No need to own a stain on your shirt if you can easily clean it off, something like that.

Maybe we don't have the same idea what a flaw is. Something like being a gamer, florist, what you mentioned are not flaws to me. They are representations of your interests and hobbies and they are perfectly fine if they make your life better. Gaming can become dangerous if you get addicted to be fair, then yeah it makes your life worse and it becomes a flaw.

akrolina · 2021-01-04T19:39:29+00:00

Uu this is so good. I find people who claim just to be themselves annoying sometimes As i see them use it as an excuse. Like this girl she is super nice and so on, until she has to do a thing she is not super happy about and then she just “im not gonna do it, it’s just not who I am, i hate cleaning, so i won” ummm excuse me? Everyone hates cleaning you dumb bitch, we still do it. It does not make us not ourselves by doing/not doing things we want or dont want to do. Also I had a friend who “accepted” her anxiety so much, she just used other people to by stuff for her, and bring her orders to her cause she was “too anxious” to deal with the staff, and then next day- Bam! A story how she had a one night stand. And she is just who she is, anxious slut, she is not gonna change! Ha ha funny how things are sometimes.

Torbuttone · 2021-01-04T20:55:23+00:00

For me just being myself depends on the flow state that I am in.

So when I'm living good, everything is under control and I have good friends around, I tend to be myself in a carefree way: I'm more free, more enthusiastic, don't really care on the outcome.

However, if I'm on a toll, have a lot of things on my mind, then I tend to be more result oriented, more tactical in the way I speak or present myself.

If I'd have to choose, I'd take the former, since it tends to be more enjoyable.

brigzen · 2021-01-05T17:34:24+00:00

The origin of the rejection of the expression "Just be yourself" comes from the fact that it is an expression widely used by women when they try to tell you good advice to conquer a girl.

And they are right and at the same time they are not. And that is where the problem occurs.

When a girl gives this advice she has in mind that type of boy that she likes. But at no time is she thinking about that boy on the corner who is so boring and uninteresting that no girl would think of proposing something seriously even if he is himself. What's more, in that case being himself is the worst thing he can do.

But if your attractiveness in front of her is right, of course the best thing you can do is be yourself. And of course in this case it is the best in the world. If you already have masculine attractiveness (not physical attractiveness), you don't have to pretend that you are funny, about trying hard to impress or seek the approval of the girl, you don't need it because you are already attractive.

Imagine that a very pretty girl approaches you and starts talking to you and after a while end up kissing. That girl didn't do anything special, she was just herself, but with her curves and physical attributes that you love. Then a poorly groomed girl approaches you, careless in the weight that you would classify as "ugly", and asks you what she has to do to conquer a man as the other girl with you did a while ago. Then the pretty girl comes to mind and you answer the famous phrase: "wow, just be yourself." Do you see that for the second girl that does not apply?

In our case, men, we are quite clear about what a girl has to have for us to like her, our answer is not usually: "just be yourself". Maybe we will tell her to lose weight, to dress up a little more, etc. But a woman is not so clear about it, they do not know exactly what it is, in general terms, what the man has that results in attraction. Therefore, then they do not find better advice than: "just be yourself."

Should we follow this advice? Yes and no. I mean, don't be asking women about these things first. Use common sense in determining how to be an attractive man. Intelligence, athletic body, humor, leadership, network of friends, good job, etc. If you don't have those things, grow them for yourself. Then when you have them, effectively show yourself to women as you are, without showing off, without seeking their approval, without exaggerating effort, etc.

kalz44 · 2021-01-06T16:13:36+00:00

I think "just be yourself" means, be the version of yourself that's relaxed and easy going around friends and family.

Title	What “Just be yourself” actually means
Author	gazija762
Upvotes	105
Comments	54
Date	January 4, 2021 4:17 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/kq0zvt/what_just_be_yourself_actually_means/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/what-just-be-yourself-actually-means.1508058 https://theredarchive.com/post/1508058

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