Why the hell can't I just be myself on dates? For the love of god, someone please help me.

CaliBboy · 2016-01-14T20:43:07+00:00

Here's the thing you're caught in the belief that "in order to do I must feel". You don't feel relaxed therefore you can not relax. This is wrong. Instead you must realize confidence, relaxation is based upon action not feeling. It does not matter what you feel it matters what you do.

Ask yourself what how would a relaxed confident person act is this situation and do it, despite how you feel.

I suggest you read the Confidence Gap by Dr Russ Harris. http://nathanschacherer.com/the-confidence-gap-by-dr-russ-harris-book-review/

yearz · 2016-01-14T22:17:28+00:00

Confidence = acceptance. Say you feel uncomfortable, nervous, awkward. You don't want to feel like this, but you don't know how to stop feeling like this. Trying to 'reach inside yourself and change how you feel' only makes things spiral.

This is the trick: Accept that you feel uncomfortable, nervous, awkward. Don't try to put a charming look on your face. Don't fret about what to say next. Just let your face show exactly how you feel. 'If this is the way it's going to be, then so be it.' Feeling obligated to change how you feel to please the girl means she is dominant over you. Spoiler alert: girls are not attracted to men they dominate.

Step 2: After you have accepted how you feel, stop evaluating how the girl is reacting to you. Don't look to her for acceptance. Don't let her approval make you feel 'OK'. You are already OK, even though you are tense and awkward and don't know what to say. You now accept yourself, exactly as you are in that moment, and there is no reaction she could throw at you to spoil that.

Girls aren't attracted by what you say, or what your facial expression is. They are attracted to how you feel inside.

Ever notice hot girls hanging on the arms of grumpy looking guys? Tired looking guys? Uncertain looking guys? It's because they accept themselves as a person with these feelings, and don't let anyone tell them that how they feel is not OK. Think back to a time a really cool person you know did something awkward. How did he/she react?

A side note: This relates to why it is important to cut fapping out of your life. By definition, fapping conditions you to feel sexual frustration and makes you needy for sex. Feeling needy for sex will ruin your state of self-acceptance, because you cannot accept yourself if you think that however you are feeling/acting/saying is not going to lead to sex.

sed9499 · 2016-01-15T03:50:51+00:00

You're invested in an outcome and feel it's rare, so your body automatically goes into "gotta make this work" mode. Think of a big interview you desperately need when you've been unemployed for a year vs an interview with a job you don't really want but just decided to check out when you're already in your dream job. Which one are you more nervous for?

You need experience, in general, and success, which comes from experience and practice. It's always hardest at the start. You need massive volume - this has to become routine to you, something you do ALL THE TIME, not some event. Then your brain will let go.

I keep thinking I should just give up on it for now, get into even better shape, buy some even nicer clothes, then women won't be able to resist me no matter how I act. I know that's not going to change things, though.

Classic trap, glad you realize it. Nicer clothes aren't going to help you.

AwayThrowId · 2016-01-15T00:18:25+00:00

I recommend the book The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney. There are many reasons why women go for introverts, and this book is full of the benefits introverts bring to relationships. It will also help you accept yourself, talk about yourself, and "sell your benefits" in situations like you describe.

I've found it helpful to limit first dates to 30 minutes for coffee or drinks. I can pick up some information for other dates and it's quick enough that I can keep myself engaged. For second dates, I've found active things, like bowling, to be easier than dinner dates. With an activity date, I feel less under the microscope than on a dinner date, and there are built in breaks so I can collect my thoughts.

There are things you do to rejuvenate yourself after social situations. I like to walk alone in natural area, or meditate when that isn't an option. Do whatever you do to rejuvenate before and after the dates.

There are many aspects of pickup that are going to be against your nature, like being able to talk about yourself. Now that you know one thing that trips you up, you can work on it. Figure out ways you can answer that kind of question in the future. Think back on other dates and how you did things that weren't helpful. Figure out ways of overcoming those challenges.

Practice. Put what you figured out to the test.

Practice. Find new stumbling blocks and figure out how to overcome them.

Practice. Not everything you've read is going to work for you. Try different combinations of things. Pick a couple of items to try in a given situation.

Nobody (except yourself) is expecting you to be able to put into practice everything you've learned about pickup. Baby steps.

Mostass · 2016-01-15T00:14:18+00:00

You need to stop caring, whatever outcome there will be, you will be fine with it.Treat women like you just fucked 10 before meeting them, and like you can walk away anytime if you want to, because you don't really give a shit about her.Stop wondering if they will get mad if you say something, you will be boring if you only talk about safe topics.Make fun of them, tease them, touch them and just say whatever you feel like saying

manoloman2 · 2016-01-15T11:29:50+00:00

I would recommend, stop reading about seduction and start reading about living in the present, books like The Power of now and A new earth are pretty good for that

ThrowawayPUA · 2016-01-14T23:47:04+00:00

You CAN be yourself. The problem is that you're not communicating who you are, in a way that is emotionally engaging to women. This is one of the fundamental issues of PUA. You must learn what engages women's desires, which is probably not what you have been doing, or what you were taught to do.

External12 · 2016-01-15T00:20:45+00:00

Go on some dates with girls that do not interest you or make you "care" that you impress them. The more natural you comes out because you aren't trying so hard or are not nervous. I realized noticed how I felt around girls I was attracted to vs. ones I was not, and it helped me not be so "in my own head" on dates.

remix951 · 2016-01-15T00:47:42+00:00

I'm over analytical and stopped pursuing women at the end of the Spring 2014 semester. I ruined a great fwb situation by getting caught up in feelings for the gal. That as the second time in about a year that happened to me. I knew that if I couldn't be comfortable and confident with myself I couldn't ever convince someone to be comfortable around me.

I went to Europe and graduated and then was unemployed for nearly a year. In Europe I was able to hook up with this British chick because I knew I had nothing to lose. During unemployment, I got a lot of time to learn who I was without the pressure of pulling tail since I knew I wasn't going to bring them back to my mom's place. I learned how to not make expectations for myself. I worked on learning to clear my mind when I would get anxious or upset. This works wonders for my personal and social life.

I went on my first date in over a year this last Monday and I had no problem talking to this girl for three hours (it felt like 30 minutes). At the end of the night she was the one who kissed me first. I like to believe it was because I went in with no expectations. It led me to not be stressed on how I came off. If there wasn't anything there, why should it bother me? There are 150 million other women in this country.

If it's a terrible problem for you I suggest reading some tenants of Buddhism. It helped me when I was a mess during unemployment.

TL;DR: You must clear your mind if you're to effectively use the force.

fivesixpickupsticks · 2016-01-15T01:11:44+00:00

Breathe, brother.

Peckerdick · 2016-01-15T04:07:14+00:00

[permanently deleted]

RWDMARS · 2016-01-15T08:28:41+00:00

I think because you want her to like you too much. Why do you wanna be what (you think) a woman wants? You won't attract the type of woman who wants you.

Tamazin_ · 2016-01-15T08:58:14+00:00

Have a few beers and you'll relax. Has worked for as long as mankind has existed ;)

Wolffoxdeer · 2016-01-14T20:38:00+00:00

Nice job on getting your life together, reading this id say its pretty much just a confidennce issue, so dont get put of the process of dating. What i'd do is try ways of increasing your confidence, i know when i decided to really try and be more confident that the advice just seems so simple and superficial but honestly some of it does work, one that helped me was just smiling into every mirror i saw (when appropriate) this sounds simple and stupid but i noticed a real difference within 2 months. Theres heaps of other simple things like that which i did on the Internet as well

Once the value that you place on yourself increases, things will get better.

Sorry that this advice is basic but its all the imput that i can add

daddymonsterpoodle · 2016-01-15T20:33:20+00:00

Think less, do more. Sounds like you are too invested. You need to refocus your analytical brain if you can't turn it off. Instead of focusing on your shit, focus on hers, what exact colors can you see in her eyes, what jewellery is she wearing, what shade of lipstick is that, is her pulse fast or slow, what accent does she have? Make it a game, analyse the cues about her and do some cold reading... anything, dear gods and little fishes, ANYTHING to stop you self analysing while you are on the date... Immersion (relaxed, enjoying yourself) and self analysis are mutually exclusive.

palmerd21 · 2016-01-14T20:56:12+00:00

Do you watch the big bang theory? If you don't you should because even though it's parody it's great on explaining WHY being yourself doesn't work for those of us who are more analytical/thought-driven.

Stop thinking so much and just have fun. Drink or smoke if you have to to calm down.

Title	Why the hell can't I just be myself on dates? For the love of god, someone please help me.
Author	Peckerdick
Upvotes	20
Comments	28
Date	January 14, 2016 8:24 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/40zfjb/why_the_hell_cant_i_just_be_myself_on_dates_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/why-the-hell-cant-i-just-be-myself-on-dates-for.1400698 https://theredarchive.com/post/1400698

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