Beginning separation/divorce process

214speaking · 2022-05-23T03:44:35+00:00

Get a lawyer ASAP. Get therapy if you need it, meditate, lift and read The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi. Never get married again. Good luck bro

SanMiguelDayAllende · 2022-05-23T03:45:30+00:00

She will only get half of the retirement accumulated during the 4 years. I gave my ex house equity to keep my retirement untouched. Couldn't be happier with that decision, mostly because she undervalued her half.

You need to start protecting yourself. Visual documentation of what's in the house is not overkill. Copies of any important paperwork, bank statements, etc. Accumulate some cash for emergencies.

Start interviewing attorneys and find someone you like. Even if your divorce is low conflict, it's nice to have a professional to coach you and give you reasonable expectations.

SudetenNachkomme · 2022-05-23T04:21:03+00:00

Contact Terrence Popp ASAP (former Green Beret, SF - has a 501c3 purely around vets and divorce navigation, suicide prevention, etc.). I think he can help. NOT legal advice (still get a lawyer), but he knows how the system is rigged against you and can help you avoid certain pitfalls.

Best of luck mate, and thank you for your service. Wife wanting a divorce after all that sacrifice is a piss-poor thank you for all you’ve done, but there are those of us who know to value what you’ve been through. Cheers brother ✊🏼

pegleg_legal · 2022-05-23T05:22:02+00:00

Don't stop her from moving out. Put up somewhat of a fight on the furniture, but in the end its not typically worth it, make sure it's documented and valued. If any of it is heirloom from your family, she can't take that. But if she's looking for the exit, don't put roadblocks in her way.

As for the military stuff - we have a few good men on this subreddit who know that forwards and backwards.

Bipolar_investor · 2022-05-23T03:43:45+00:00

Talk to a lawyer, document everything. These two things should help you get in the right mindset.

If you can close this chapter in a friendly manner, do so. Otherwise, hang tight, and don't play any of the women's games, because her wanting to take all your furniture is just toying with you, until you make a mistake.

Remember : she won't hesitate to destroy you, send you to jail or whatever, so salty calm a d don't do anything foolish.

Stay strong, and weather this storm, then move on to caring for yourself as if you were someone else.

Gattsama · 2022-05-23T09:00:40+00:00

Sorry you are going through this man. First, as others have said, you need to get a lawyer and have them assist & guide you though this process. CA is a no fault state. That means that it really doesn't matter why you marriage is ending or what either party did that brought them here. There are three things in play, and each is separate:

1) Division of assets / debts. All community assets and debts will be split 50/50. What is a community asset? Pretty much anything that was acquired during the marriage. So yes you retirement is a community asset, but she is normally only entitled to 4 years worth (the time whiled married). Inheritances are normally NOT community assets (but can be mixed with and therefore lost). ALL debt acquired during the marriage is also 50/50. So if she has a credit card opened during the marriage, you owe 1/2 of that.

2) Spousal support. Sorry to say CA is one of the worst states to divorce. At greater than 10yrs married she is possibly eligible for life long support. There are a lot of rules: her need, do you both work, your ability to pay, length of marriage, etc. Bottom line need to talk to a local attorney about that one.

3) Child support. IF you have minor children you are likely going to get 50/50 custody. However, that's only part of the formula. Then there's primary residency or where the kids live. See what the court does is calculate how much the children need in support. When the kids are with mom you pay her support, when they are with you she pays you support. HOWEVER, what normally actually happens is mom gets primary residency and the kids are only with Dad like every other weekend. So the money that mom should be in support is just subtracted from what Dad pays her. This is why 50/50 residency splits are becoming more popular: 7/7 and 5/2/2/5. In both cases often no child support with 50/50 custody because the kids are at each parent's home equal amount of time.

Understand that the family court, esp in CA, can do almost anything they want. You're biggest concern is amount and length of spousal support. Which can be adjusted with time (normally only up for inflation or you making more money) and unless she remarries or dies; if it's for life then it's for life!

Here's the most important advise you will get. You need to accept ASAP that she is now at best just another human walking the planet and at worst your enemy. There is no stipend or credit for past (or current) good deeds; and no punishment or fee for past bad deeds. BUT there is a 100% potential for bad outcomes for you for current bad deeds and missteps. It can be really hard but you have to stop giving two shits about what happens to her going forward. I don't mean wish her ill will, I mean you need to protect YOU (and your kids if you have them).

100% she has been planning this for months if not years. It's just how women are. So she has already mentally processed and is future planning mode. You need to catch up to that. Expect name calling, possible false claims, her asking for the moon and stars, etc. Everything you do from now until the divorce that is not a court order is a free gift to her. Understand that last part. Agree to nothing that is not in writing, a court order or you are willing to lose.

Be safe out there and good luck...

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-05-23T09:43:44+00:00

Since you've been married 10+ years, the #1 financial issue you have is spousal support with no termination date. Get familiar with the Gavron Warning.

david10277 · 2022-05-23T12:14:36+00:00

Stay at the house...retain a good lawyer. That what you pay them for.

Mk7seven · 2022-05-23T16:11:43+00:00

My advice based on my own experience is to guard yourself but try and keep it as friendly as possible. That can be galling, but it’s tactically a good idea. If it’s a no-fault state she can take whatever from the house that wasn’t something you owned before the marriage, and is generally entitled to half of any property/monies acquired during the marriage, regardless of how/by whom these were acquired. That being said, the final decision is entirely up to the judge, the 50/50 split being pretty normal but not written in stone. Find a reputable lawyer and discuss your particular situation to assess your options more realistically. They can be expensive but way less expensive than the deal you might get without one. Since you’re a vet maybe the service has some resources for you here. Above all try to keep it as friendly as possible, acrimony and hostility only works against you as a man in this situation, unfortunately. Good luck sir, it’s never any fun Edit to add that it may be a good idea to have a female lawyer represent you, I was given this advice and it seemed to have made a difference

OMG_GOP_WTF · 2022-05-23T16:44:34+00:00

If all she gets is the furniture then be joyful.

Realistically, talk to a lawyer so you get your value in the stuff she takes at settlement.

jimsmythee · 2022-05-23T19:51:53+00:00

Get a lawyer ASAP.

First of all, don't sweat the small stuff. If she wants your 5+ year old furniture? Let her have it. You'll spend more in lawyer's fees fighting it than if you just let it go. If there's a family heirloom that you want to keep, put it in storage or keep it secure.

From an 18 year marriage? It's hard to know how much of the mix of retirement benefits she'll be entitled too. That's lawyer territory.

Title	Beginning separation/divorce process
Author	Illustrious_Ad6484
Upvotes	8
Comments	27
Date	May 23, 2022 3:34 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/uvramx/beginning_separationdivorce_process/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/beginning-separationdivorce-process.1118894 https://theredarchive.com/post/1118894

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