rpwExperiment: Week 2 - ...Stress Test?

Introduction Here, Week 1

(See Week 1 for notes, assumptions, etc...)

This was not a fun week.

1) Focus on my communication some more.

Bossy boss. I thought I did a better job with this. Gentleman reported zero perceived difference. :'(

Essentially I spent a lot of this week biting my tongue and trying to change my phrasing to be less controlling, for example reducing my trademarked "suggestion" plans; praising more and putting the focus on emphasizing my respect; not doing anything that could be construed as nagging (like if I noticed something I normally would have said something about, if it was trivial just shut up and deal and NO reminders); and putting the clamp on complaints.

On the plus side, emphasizing my respect was really just being more explicit, so this was incredibly easy. ("But you are ALWAYS super respectful!" <--- Gentleman again) One the other hand this strangled the shit out of any sort of conversation more complicated than the weather and it made expressing my emotions somewhat hard.

Once again I found this super isolating and unpleasant. This particularly made a challenge when an actual problem reared its head. (More on this later)

2) Read "Care and Feeding of Husbands". As another core text, this seemed to be a good supplement for the sidebar. Another quick download to the kindle and it was time for Dr. Laura to tell me what's up.

This was a difficult book to find value from, because its surprisingly low on actionable advice, relying primarily on anecdotes about callers in bad relationships, but also because it has a particular agenda that assumes I'm a somewhat older woman trying to preserve a marriage for the sake of children.

1) As a provider and protector, I owe it to Gentleman to uphold my side of the gender responsibility thingee.

Gentleman does not "provide" for me in any sort of classic cash for my lifestyle way. Things tend to be halfsies. I think in one point in our relationship he did take on the classic "protector" role when he banished a drunk pest. He prefers that I work but does not want me to be stressed about money- complicatedly he's quick to offer to rescue me, but finds my willingness to knuckle down and do skut work admirable and has stated he likes the idea of being a kept man.

The subject of these roles does provide a point of further study. During the early stages of the relationship, I generally didn't encourage "I protect!" behaviours, however outside of the boundaries of the experiment I'd already tried to make more allowances for him in a caretaking role because I deemed it was good for me. You know the whole trust thing.

He says he tries to protect me from not eating things, a lamentable tendency on my part to avoid food.

2) If I can change diapers, surely a little sex on demand isn't too much to ask?
Not something that comes up.

3) Men are emotionally simple and motivated by food, sex and respect.
"I don't think so. Food maybe?... Respect? Well I'd rather be liked not feared. Being feared is easy, any numpkin can be feared." (Gentleman)
Nonetheless these were the three big things to focus on. Gentleman didn't want sex more so than unusual, didn't notice the increase in respect... but he enjoyed me packing him lunches, typically a nice filling main course and a selection of vegetables and fruit.

4) STOP DISRESPECTING YOUR HUSBAND, YOU DIRTY WHORE!
Reading this book was like getting a firehose blast of rage to the face. Every nasty thing every woman has ever done in a heterosexual relationship hurled at the audience in the off chance some of it would stick. While "Surrendered Wife" was vaguely relatable for a control freak like me, this was the opposite of anything I felt like I could work with.

5) Feminism has confused me about my life values.
I really can't provide much input here because even if I took a fire extinguisher to the metaphorical bra bonfire Gentleman is a no kids person. This story is not bound for a white picket fence and grandbabies. Dr. Laura is silent on that subject.

6) Nothing is more important than making my husband happy- for example if my job makes him feel unhappy, jettison the job.
Gentleman hasn't asked me to change drastic anything ever. I think the most dramatic thing he asked for was not to use the good knives to cut things on a glass plate.

3) Surrendering sexually and so forth
This again contributed to the sense of isolation here - trying to get my emotional needs met outside the relationship but obeying Dr. Laura's no whining instruction and making sex entirely on his terms (I dialed it back to just passively indicating my interest on the subject instead of asking for it) was pretty fucking awful feeling. I felt completely alone, like nobody cared about me or my needs at all.

Gentleman did not, as Surrender promised, simply spring up to fill the gap. He noticed I was distant and upped asking for the stuff I normally do of my own initiative (tea, backrubs). And we got an actual problem.

He has some serious shit to deal with right now so our time together started drifting heavily into "get home from work, Gentleman is quietly sitting by himself hiding, get my coat and boots off and spend the evening looking after him". This is not something I begrudge but it moved into both him staying up later in a way that impacts my sleep and all our interactions being a one sided effort to tamp down the bleak. Because I was co-operating with the way he wanted to run things, this meant our evening plans for the foreseeable future were him unhappy and me choosing to be unhappy with him, or go do my own thing in another room (more isolation).

Basically no demands + one sided giving to him = sad increasingly grumpy Pearl.

My usual pattern for a bad mood would be to let it sit for a day to see if it was all in my head or a misunderstanding (no sense crying wolf) and then having confirmed the nature of my feelings I'd be honest about it. And was honestly feeling my needs weren't getting met. Ruh-oh.

Only I had to tackle this as far as I could glean RPW meant I had to do this from my end and be more understanding. This was my shit to deal with.

It went poorly.

I really, really tried. It's not hard for me to internalize responsibility- it's a place I've been before and I know my feelings are always a hundred percent in my head. Gentleman deserved all my sweetness and none of the ever increasing little clot of resentment that was building up.

Unfortunately all I ended up with is a week spent feeling alienated, obsessing over how bad I was at this and Gentleman vaguely aware something was a bit off and asking me what's up. (mumblemumblenobodycaresaboutmemumble "Oh, just tired! I'm a little moody, that's all!" :D)

I tried getting more sleep and little soothing things like buying myself a bouquet of flowers. I did my best to knuckle down on housekeeping and tried to remind myself how damn lucky I was with Gentleman. It was a labour of considerable effort with no time off from being as sweet as I could.

Eventually with him repeatedly asking there was a point where it would be lying to say "fine". And thus this Friday:

"I find it's starting to weigh on me that the only time I see you happy and smiling is when you're doing stuff with other people and then I get to experience this relationship as you in emotional collapse. I know that you are really good at putting a good social face up, so I shouldn't take that part personally, and I know that you are dealing with a lot so I don't think your emotions are invalid but I feel like the tea making, soothing and massage service, and then I have to reassure you by not being sad about that because if I'm anything other than happy you go into a self castigating guilt spiral." T_T

Looking at the crux of my discomfort, this is something Surrender and Care and Feeding are in disagreement about. Surrender would have dealt with this by retreating and just sort of leaving Gentleman to flop about on his own (off to get a facial, you sort out that existential despair about your upcoming surgery now!) while Dr. Laura with yelling at you for not being accommodating (woman, you deny your child a father just because you can't contain feeling burned out?!), for example that I should quit my job so I can devote myself full time to being Gentleman's uncomplaining support. A week of trying to do a hybrid of both (look after myself AND him without complaining) just made me feel like I was failing very badly as being an automaton. My solution of just telling him about it led to a swift resolution- I think I managed to convey I wasn't angry with him or thought he was being low ebb on purpose, just personally out of juice. He responded by reassuring me about the positive difference I was in his life. We talked about some of the baggage that happened prior to the relationship that influenced his behaviour. Some crying was done by me. We had sex, which filled some of the wibbly emotional gooey stuff. I've got a lot of residual guilt for dumping on him like that. Bear with me guys, this is haaaaard.

RESULTS SUMMARY

Gentleman's feedback - As mentioned, he didn't seem to notice any change. No more lust, no happier. He said I seemed unhappy and distant. He says that "Surrender" behaviour tends to make him feel childish and not like an adult man- the exact opposite of being a big strong protector. He assumed I was mad at him. "The keeping fretting all to yourself has not resulted in hiding, just there's something off and I can't tell what it is."
Sex/Attraction - We had sex three times counting the sadomasochistic weekend fun. Although my desire remained constant this sort of emotional discombobulation made me feel less interested in sex with him- basically I found I tended to perceive him as not being sexually into me. Sex was still something where I notified him I was turned on before he expressed interest. He has been viewing porn intermittently and masturbated to orgasm once.
Things I noticed - This was TERRIBLE. I was internally joking about my moodiness that it was a temporary anger phase, but trying to be RP is just exacerbating my tendency to be guilty and unhappy. I felt unlovable and unattractive. Evidently I am doing something very wrong. The makeup I've been faithfully wearing has by turns melted all over my face (Canadian weather) and all efforts on my appearance have gleaned zero response out of Gentleman, but seem to be impressing the shit out of the guys at my office which was... not what I wanted and kind of like sandblasting a soup cracker.

Group feedback notes: Last week people were helpful again, mostly on the point that I should be careful to emphasize I still sexually desire him. I took that under advisement.

Going forward (next week): The general levels of fail I experienced this week suggest something went horribly wrong. So in particular I'm interested in having someone else RP oriented parse out what precisely you are supposed to do with the feelings and so forth. I'm going to stay the course, but I need a better solution than "just stop having negative feelings!" I will continue with the makeup and trying to be supportive, but trying to be supportive doesn't feel uniquely RP.

Questions? Feedback?