Want vs Settle

ivysaurah · 2023-04-04T11:49:53+00:00

I get where you’re coming from but as a woman I see this main issue: people are getting an overinflated sense of self worth from social media. Being confident is fine. But realistically knowing where you stand with all of your flaws and accepting that is so much better and more confident than being like “I am a 10 and that’s what I deserve!”

Most men would have to “settle” in order to be with you monogamously if you choose to view things like that. What you want should always be commitment and the ability to build together. I think a lot of people, but mostly modern women, nowadays will see a few flaws in a partner and start looking elsewhere rather than being like, “You know what, this person is loyal and we have similar values and we find peace easily together, we can work this out or compromise, or I can find peace with this flaw as I know I have my own.” None of us are perfect. Finding a perfect person is a myth. The difference between modern relationships and traditional ones is the lack of commitment. I don’t view divorce from my husband as an option. Have other, “hotter” options shown up in our 5 years together for me as a young pretty woman? Have they shown up during rough patches during my marriage? Sure. But commitment is what makes a relationship beautiful as long as there’s no toxicity. This “the grass is always greener on the other side” mentality is why so many women wind up alone and on antidepressants these days imo.

You aren’t perfect. Most men aren’t perfect. Find a good fit where your values align and commit to it. Don’t vent to outsiders and let them poison the well of a good relationship with them telling you “girl you can do better.” I think most women know what they want but are extremely unrealistic about how they can get it due to the constant male attention on social media, and just this whole “you’re a 10!”self love culture. It’s a fact that most divorces are initiated by women. That shows a lack of understanding of commitment and no desire to do the hard work of a long term relationship.

Find a good man and get offline and be committed to stay unless he’s cruel and toxic, and as long as there’s no cheating. Set boundaries and communicate them clearly from the start. I have never posted thirst traps, and I deleted instagram from my phone along with my husband when we got married. It’s poison. There is no perfect person in existence. We all settle if you choose to look at it that way. It’ll be worth it when you all have a family, have been together 50+ years, have built a beautiful legacy together.

bryansodred · 2023-04-03T22:12:46+00:00

I said it before, i'll say it again...

Most women have all the choosing power/dating options on men.

Most men are single, most women are in situationships. Most women dont want most men but the irony is the few men they all want leaves those few men with 100% of dating options on women. Most men will continue being alone or settle for whatever woman comes their way.

The average woman's ego is so entitled and hyper-inflated because of social media that it becomes a double edged sword. Just becuz you get a 100 dms everday means youre a 10, youre still a 6 or 7.

If all the men you want, only picks you back for sex but not for the long term, then thats the market way of telling you to stop chasing what you want and start chasing what you need and be happy with it or be happy alone.

LateralThinker13 · 2023-04-03T20:51:32+00:00

I'm going to respond as I read. Just from your title

Want vs Settle

I'm going to assume you're talking about the man you want vs the man you think you're going to settle for. It's a common concept. It's also flawed. Because almost universally, the "settle" portion is framed as "settling for someone lower than you deserve/rate".

Which is female hamster BULLSHIT. Want some truth? Settling, in almost all cases, is actually "setting your self-appointed value to correspond to your actual value as seen by others." In other words, you're letting market forces decide. Because if you think you're a 10, and only 7s want to wife you, market says you're a 7. And a 10 that never gets sold? Just like a Ferrari that never gets sold, it's actual value is ZERO.

One topic I hear in the rp community especially in the men’s circles is that women don’t know what they want.

Want is emotion-driven. Wants change. Women know what they want at any given moment. But that's not precisely what you're implying, so let me make a different assertion.

Women, most women but most especially blue pill women, have no idea what they need.

I’d argue that we do know what we want, some of us just don’t know where to find it or will settle out of a scarcity mindset

I stand by my earlier statement. You know what you want, but not what you need. But speaking of wants: most women today want the 666 - six foot height, six digit income, six inch... ahem. Funny thing is, even sorting the US population of single men just by: single, 6' tall, straight, and 100,000+ income, disregarding race or location or whatever, you get: 0.355% of the population!!!

http://www.iwonderifyouareoutthere.com/man.html

That's what modern women all think they're entitled to, and what they all think they rate. Yeah no. You don't need to settle, you (and almost all other women, not you specifically) need to settle down your unrealistic self-appraisal.

For example you want a masculine and traditional man but these narcissistic and emotionally unavailable men

What? See, that's where I know you're operating with some baggage. Because masculine and traditional doesn't correlate with narcissistic and emotionally unavailable. That this has been your experience is just your experience; it's unhealthy (and inaccurate) overgeneralizing that will spoil your future interactions with men.

If all I want are burgers from McDonald’s everyday when I should be needing healthier foods, does that mean I don’t know what I want to eat? No I just want something that can never be realistically healthy for me. People deep inside know they want a loving and supportive partner/husband.

Ah, so you DO understand the difference between want and need. Freud would call it a difference between scratching the short-term impulsive ID and properly nourishing the long-term health of the ego/superego.

But there's something else you and most other women miss here. There's nothing inherently wrong with wanting a 666 man. They exist. I know at least one, I talk to him in the mirror every day.

What you're missing is that, in all likelihood, you aren't a 666-WOMAN. Are you? Are you the pinnacle of femininity? A soft place to land? Kind and courteous and desirable, a great conversationalist? Young and beautiful and fertile and soft in the right ways? An inspiration to your partner and an uplifting source of joy to him? And finally, DTF daily, with joy and enthusiasm?

No? Because that's what makes a woman the female equivalent of a 666-man, and just as rare. Most women's problems these days is that they want a HVM but are not HVW. You have careers? We don't care. You have an education? We don't care. You're a bossbabe? That's a turnoff.

You mentioned settling because of scarcity earlier? Yeah, it's true but not how you meant it.

Men since time immemorial want a feminine woman, not a man in drag, for a partner. The more feminine the better.

If you asked anyone what they want in someone, they’ll give you a list that’s genuine.

I don't agree here, however. Most peoples' lists are neither genuine nor accurate. They are too often the unrealistic, conflicting, greedy pie-in-the-sky wishlists of children looking at a lego catalog that has no prices listed.

Until you do an honest appraisal of yourself and what you offer to men that they want, you can't calibrate what your spending money is for your visit to the Long-Term Man Store. Don't do that appraisal honestly, and you'll just keep spending there on credit, and that bill always comes due and leaves you broke.

EDIT: Missed the ending

I just settled for someone I thought had what I was looking for

That's doesn't sound like a wants vs. needs issue. That sounds like a "I didn't vet" issue. Or an "I was desperate and skipped deeper vetting because the clock is ticking" issue. Or possibly, "I thought I knew what I wanted but now I have buyer's remorse for some reason" issue.

ArkNemesis00 · 2023-04-04T04:21:04+00:00

TRP men will observe female nature and translate into verbiage that makes sense to men.

Now, women might describe the same aspects differently. We describe it in a way that makes sense to women.

Neither party is really wrong here. It's Communication 101, breaking down the message into something your audience can understand.

One example of this is the "women want guys who are jerks." My husband even expressed something similar to me the other day. I told him that is a very male way to look at it. How I would describe this phenomenon, as a woman, is that I'm wary of infatuation, or of someone trying to flatter me. I also want a man who can see my flaws, challenge me on them, and help me improve myself. I like men who demonstrate value, and one way to do that is to treat oneself with respect.

But despite this explanation, "women want guys who are jerks" makes sense to men. And if this understanding elicits more attractive behavior, it's a win-win. It doesn't matter to me that they agree 100% with my perspective of female nature. As long as they know how to navigate it.

rescadora · 2023-04-03T22:05:26+00:00

I think that many women have a distorted view of what they want due to what society sells us and the reality that women are more likely to experience violence in intimate relationships. I feel this can cloud womens’ ideas of what constitutes a good man when it isn’t unpacked. I know I went for less than what I deserved because of baggage I wasn’t aware of. In regards to society, I feel women are being presented completely opposite messages on what they should want or how they should feel as women in the dating scene.

I agree that we all, at minimum unconsciously, know what we want in a partner. We’ve seen it in other couples, in the media, etc. my husband is the man of my dreams. I always wanted to be treated like a princess and showered in compliments 24/7, but I kinda forgot that’s what I wanted after being in the dating scene for a few years. I also got involved in a lot of politics at the time that discouraged desiring a chivalrous, tender man because it was “old fashioned.” I think with a lot of work (therapy and spiritual growth for me), women wouldn’t have to deal with so much crap before finding a good man.

Finally, I also think another reason for women settling is because we’re told we don’t know what we want or what’s good for us. I feel that if you listen to a message enough times, it will become convincing for many

Edited to fix grammar error.

ddeltadt · 2023-04-03T21:22:37+00:00

So… people that tell you about what YOU do or don’t want… don’t take them seriously. As a matter of fact, just walk the hell away from them.

Figure out what you want and need (right now and in the long run) and pursue it unapologetically.

AutoModerator · 2023-04-03T17:53:55+00:00

Title: Want vs Settle

Full text: Despite my insecurities in sharing my thoughts and opinions, I am completely open to criticism and insight about this. I didn’t want to share this in any other group bc of generalizing perceptions of rp and won’t help solve any cultural problems in the rp group. I don’t identify as rp but there are some perspectives I’m open to just to be clear.

One topic I hear in the rp community especially in the men’s circles is that women don’t know what they want. Not referring to all rp men because I know all of them don’t see eye to eye with everything just like any movement/group. You can be pro black as a black woman but not support the organization BLM.

I’d argue that we do know what we want, some of us just don’t know where to find it or will settle out of a scarcity mindset or at least don’t understand a healthy version of what we’re looking for in a person looks like and struggles with boundaries.

For example you want a masculine and traditional man but these narcissistic and emotionally unavailable men has been your only given perspective of masculinity. They come off as more factual instead of emotional and put on a confident facade. 10 points if they’re very knowledgeable and smart.

And then I’d also argue wanting things that are unrealistic when they need to understand what they NEED.

If all I want are burgers from McDonald’s everyday when I should be needing healthier foods, does that mean I don’t know what I want to eat? No I just want something that can never be realistically healthy for me.

People deep inside know they want a loving and supportive partner/husband. If you asked anyone what they want in someone, they’ll give you a list that’s genuine.

So yeah being told I don’t know what I want doesn’t make sense to me. I just settled for someone I thought had what I was looking for and also made me realize the lack of confidence and boundaries I had for myself.

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Title	Want vs Settle
Author	Waxflower8
Upvotes	25
Comments	30
Date	April 3, 2023 5:53 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/12as3rq/want_vs_settle/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/want-vs-settle.1206964 https://theredarchive.com/post/1206964

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