FR: My Husband F***ed Up Today...

tempintheeastbay · 2017-05-12T23:07:00+00:00

"I'll make up the sleep tonight, but the damage my harsh words could have done to our relationship and his confidence as my captain could have lasted for far longer than that."

I love this. 99% of the time the 'damage' a husband can do through his mistakes is temporary (as is the 'damage' our mistakes do!). Overspending will eventually be made up for. A mess will eventually be cleaned up. A lost date night will eventually be forgotten. But hurtful words can start a damaging pattern that can haunt us for years and years!

loneliness-inc · 2017-05-12T23:59:57+00:00

Wowowowowow!!!!

Ms Sadie Dunham!!! You deserve a gold metal for this slam dunk, home run, touchdown! Good job!

The bottom line is that it isn't about being right. It's about doing what's right to improve your marriage and that's exactly what you did with grace.

Sleep well tonight!

HelloNeo · 2017-05-12T23:22:48+00:00

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is be a mature adult. When your impulses are telling you to lose your shit, scream, and just complain to your partner and you decide to take a step back and breathe... It takes a hell of a lot of strength. You handled this gracefully. It sounds like he's genuinely sorry and won't let it happen again. Good luck, OP.

Great lesson here for truly everyone, not just RPW.

Willow-girl · 2017-05-13T04:18:14+00:00

Sadie, you are wise beyond your years!

lord-denning · 2017-05-13T00:28:47+00:00

I was touched by your story. Of course you are right to want to ensure that your boys is well fed on time. And you are correct that raking your husband over the coals would not have the desired effect.

But I wonder if RPW theory can also tell us how you might inspire your husband to do better in this area going forward? I personally have been positively inspired by the women in my life to do better in household matters that are not my natural forte, is there any way you can you do the same for him?

[deleted] · 2017-05-13T00:38:44+00:00

I did this approach for the first 7 years of my daughters life. It took some hard realizations to see that it wasn't that he couldn't do it, he didn't want to and knew I'd take care of it all eventually. We both worked full time. (I was married for 15+ years). My point is, is that if things don't improve, don't shove it under the rug just to keep the peace. That will result in resentment. Continue to give him responsibility and angle situations where he suffers if protocol isn't followed. Let him learn. You both will gain respect and treat parenthood as a working relationship.

[deleted] · 2017-05-13T08:03:25+00:00

I love this and I'm so proud of you. I think one of the ideas that really resonates with me is that you had a right to be upset. Telling yourself your rights gives you validation and choosing to lay down those rights for the bigger picture helps quell resentment.

[deleted] · 2017-05-13T04:30:18+00:00

This is such a good lesson about letting things go gracefully. Because holding those little bitter pent up feelings just begin to weigh down your marriage and your perceptions of your husband while simultaneously making you a little bit blind to your own failings! (Which we all have! Because like you said, we're human and we make mistakes.)

Forgiveness and trust is a huge part of maturity imo. I'm learning how to utilize it a lot better in my marriage. Like, for example, I've been in nesting mode getting the house clean since I started maternity and been fairly anxious about all this cardboard from baby furniture and recycling currently sitting in my conservatory being a hot ugly clutter and I've asked my husband a few times if we can finally just load it up and dump it before I go a little spare but it's not done. And I let it go. It will get done, I know it, maybe not right at the time frame I want, but I know it'll get done and I have to trust he'll do it.

ivegotsomequestions0 · 2017-05-14T04:19:04+00:00

I didn't feel I could say anything nice, so I didn't say anything else about it.

This is completely key! And sometimes, it's incredibly hard to say nothing.

Your self-control and reasonableness are serving you really well. I'm trying to follow the same principles with my own husband! My own mother was completely the opposite—if my father screwed up in any way, she just had to tell him about it, at length.

It's so important to keep in mind that our husbands are operating completely from good faith. I don't know why that's sometimes easy to forget, but usually the best course of action is to STFU until I remember again.

nonnimoose · 2017-05-13T14:11:25+00:00

I had so many thoughts reading your report!

It is incredibly difficult to parent an infant and work outside the home. Even if you have the kind of job that allows a ton of flexibility, it is still exhausting if you're doing both well. I wouldn't know from personal experience, because I didn't do it! I couldn't get my act together to work outside the home after having a baby. So huge props to you for pulling this off.

-No one understands baby's needs/schedules like mom does. No One Else. Whether it's innate or whether it's because mom figured out the ideal schedule to begin with, the fact remains that no one else really gets it. I couldn't get my baby to sleep through the night until my husband was off on a business trip for two weeks - he kept screwing it up!

-I grew up in a family where there was constant arguing about who did what wrong and who was "right." Plainly, it sucked. I was an anxious little kid always worrying about the next big blow-up. The first time I made a careless mistake that messed up plans with my husband (then boyfriend), his reaction was foreign to me! He didn't make a big deal out of it, just worked with me to resolve it. It was a revelation to me that an argument didn't have to ensue for resolution to occur. Yeah, I held on to this guy!

-The only thing I remember from the minister's sermon at our wedding was this: "When you are angry at your spouse, dare to love." This is exactly what you did. You were justifiably angry, but held your emotions in check and let your love for your husband and family prevail. You strengthened your marriage.

Happy (early) Mother's Day MsSadie!

kekerae · 2017-05-13T21:36:28+00:00

This is so phenomenal. It can be so hard to just shut up (or to phrase something completely different than you want to) when something doesn't go the way you think it ought to...especially if it's a recurring event. Massive kudos to you for pulling those long shifts with a little one around, that must be incredibly hard.

I recently weaned my daughter from breastfeeding (and she therefore no long nurses to sleep for bed and naps) which means my husband can be a much more active participant in sleep routines for our toddler. I'm really having to learn that he does it in his own way and that eventually our daughter will go to sleep. It's really hard for a mom to take that step back and let someone else parent for a while.

My husband was actually gone for 6 months during our daughter's first year of life so allowing him to come in and start doing any parenting at all (even thought he's the dad) was extremely hard for me at first. I've come a long way!

SouthernAthena · 2017-05-14T22:39:37+00:00

Wow, here I'd built up in my mind that you have a perfect life and husband because of your great posts, new baby, good job, supportive MIL, etc., but this goes to show that it really is work for all of us to live the good life. Kudos to you for not blowing up on him!

My way of dealing with anger is usually actually to get sad and say nothing (not practiced, just my personality type), and my SO always says that my method of dealing with his anger when it happens is much more affective then with his ex, who would blow up in equal parts and start a huge fight. When he sees that he's hurt me, but I don't fight fire with fire, he's actually felt remorse and changed his behavior.

Nyquil-Junkie · 2017-05-13T02:33:16+00:00

See, if you had gotten a dog or a cow, or a nice goat, you set a roll of hay out, or a pail of food and water, turn on the radio and they are happy for days on end with no attention if you can't be there.

I'm not sure you thought this baby thing through very well.

I had my kids pooping in the yard and playing catch with a ball at 8 weeks old. Try that with a human child and you'll have CPS on your door.

Clearly, a dog is a better choice. Maybe you can trade the kid in for one. I'm sure the google machine can help.

I think a few missed meals will toughen the little man up and build character. No doubt dad will agree with me.

mydogisfabulous · 2017-05-15T00:59:24+00:00

You have a lot of awareness and self control. I admire your inner strength.

isabeavis · 2017-05-15T13:08:34+00:00

Instead, I erased the nasty text message I was planning on sending him and instead said, "LB tells me you didn't feed him this morning." To which he apologized and said he totally forgot, he had set an alarm but it didn't go off for whatever reason.

I'm glad this worked for you, but if I had sent that text to my husband he would have seen it as passive aggressive snark and he would have been defensive and upset and seen it as another example of 'him not doing anything right'.

However, we have a lot of baggage in our marriage and even though I have been implementing more and more of Laura Doyle's strategies over the last 12-18 months, I don't feel there would have been any way for me to handle this without causing a fight :(

Clearly, I still have a long way to go.

cant_downvote_truth · 2017-05-18T19:25:16+00:00

I could have yelled all these things at him. I'd definitely have a right to.

In my life, nobody has the right to yell at anyone else. Never. Not unless the house is on fire and it's life or death to escape the burning building.

Cardiscappa · 2017-05-21T01:21:44+00:00

What do you do if your Captain is making a really bad decision, like getting sucked into a pyramid scheme? How do be a RPW in that situation? (We're dating, separate bank accounts, etc.)

I can't believe such an intelligent man can be that gullible. I want to cry.

Edit: After a shower and beer, I feel that I have more of a grip on things. How do I support him when I think the whole thing is a scam? I'm very blunt to the point person and if asked for my opinion, you get the unfiltered response.

Romans10seventeen · 2017-05-22T22:17:04+00:00

This is a really interesting post. I have not followed "Red Pill" much, but when a couple people in the catholic dating sub told me Red Pill promoted hatred towards women, I questioned that and there was a lot of push back.

Little did I know there is a red pill subreddit for women, and this is a great example showing this whole "submission" isn't about men treating women like crap.

This is a perfect everyday situation that proves what "The Red Pill" is all about. Your husband screwed up, you could have escalated the situation into a huge argument, but you choose not to.

On the flip side, for men I see Red Pill as self improvement, not necessarily about getting laid, even though some men do that. Whether it is keeping the schedule for feeding your baby or lifting and working on your career. Perhaps for a married man the goal might be trying to get a better job so that his woman doesn't have to work part time to make ends meet.

neveragoodtime · 2017-05-13T19:54:38+00:00

I'm going to provide you with some context to help you see a deeper reality to your situation. First of all, it's great that you didn't nag your husband, that really shows some self control. Now let's a critical look at Mr. Dunham's perspective and try to understand what he might be thinking or feeling:

"I want a good home-life balance. I choose to work part time to maintain a lifestyle above what my husband provides. I choose the hours I work. It's a sweet deal, I pick and choose what I want. Husband works regular hours and does not pick and choose what he wants. I choose second shift to be with baby, which means I see husband less. I choose to work doubles to have a two day work week."

"I choose a feeding schedule for baby. I explained the feeding schedule to husband. He did not follow my instructions! I did not get the sleep I wanted! I explained the importance of the schedule so that I can have the sleep I want. He did not do the thing I wanted him to do so that I could have the thing that I wanted again! But I love him even though he screwed up a simple task twice."

Do you understand that you're making your husband responsible for the consequences of the choices you made? Of all of those decisions you describe, which were made by your husband? Is he forcing you to work part time, or to work double shifts? Did he demand you get baby on a set feeding routine to accommodate his schedule? Did you approach your husband with a question or with a command? You demanded he follow the schedule. And even though the baby didn't starve to death, you consider his attempts abject failure.

What if you would had approached him with, "Hubby, I would like to work only two days a week, so that I can have more time with you and more time with the baby. It will require that you follow a carefully scripted feeding schedule during those two days, and in return, I will handle XYZ additional responsibilities (that he is usually responsible for) on my days off. Also, I will show my appreciation with a BJ as soon as I've rested from my double shift. What schedule do you think is best?" The BJ is not necessary but it never hurts either.

There is a big difference between making a decision with your husband, and making a decision for your husband. In this scenario, you F***ed up today by making a decision for your husband and expecting him to follow your orders. Do you want to be with the captain or be the captain? By making the captain's decisions you are training him to not take the lead and expect to be yelled at for not taking the lead. He feels bad when you rake him over the coals, but he feels worse when you don't? I feel concern over your marriage from this anecdote because you think you value the harmony in your marriage over being right when harmony only comes from thinking he is right. Your husband failed because you set him up for failure. Try setting him up for success by being happy if he feeds the baby, and happy if he doesn't.

neveragoodtime · 2017-05-14T01:04:06+00:00

I see I have activated your defense mechanism with my harsh criticism.

I still hope you will consider that you should accept responsibility for your situation instead of blame your husband and then pat yourself on the back for not yelling at him, even though he still admits that your passive response is even more hurtful. It seems though, that nothing is your fault. I have to work, I have to be with my family five nights a week, baby has to have a schedule, I have to sleep. When your expectations become minimum requirements you will never be satisfied by other people. I'm not saying you're wrong, only asking you to consider another's perspective on your situation.

BudRock56 · 2017-05-20T03:22:52+00:00

First off, they just banned me at The Red Pill, so I came here to help out you chicks.

Second, you sound like more of a mom to your husband than a wife. You gave hubby directions and he "failed"?!? You had "expectations"?!? You should of "raked him over the coals"?!? Jesus Christ! You sound like a terrible woman!

This is not to say that your husband is an angel. Clearly he is enabling your abuse and snotty attitude by not standing up to you and putting you in your place. It sounds like a co-dependent relationship.

Granted, I am divorced. When my ex would start trying to give me directions and had "expectations" and would get mad if her "expectations" were not fulfilled, I would call her out on it and we would usually get into vicious arguments. A real man does not put up with this crap. That's a big reason I sought a divorce.

I have my own opinions, and you have yours. But my opinion is that your relationship sounds absolutely horrible.

Title	FR: My Husband F***ed Up Today...
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	75
Comments	76
Date	May 12, 2017 11:04 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/6aumug/fr_my_husband_fed_up_today/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/fr-my-husband-fed-up-today.2599 https://theredarchive.com/post/2599

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