What's your response to this?

Archwinger · 2015-06-05T09:54:53+00:00

Tell your wife about your plans, asshole. Don't just surprise her by not being around.

But just tell her. Don't ask permission or give reasons or get defensive if she tests you. Just tell her then go do it.

recon_johnny · 2015-06-05T12:35:21+00:00

I reminded myself that I had left work early yesterday

and, the night before, I left work at a "reasonable" time

You don't do things like this so you can build up IOU's, you do it because you want to. You leave early so you can be there for your family and give them your time and attention, if you want to.

If you're thinking that, I left early this week for her twice, so now I'm just not showing up you're acting like a fuck.

It seems as though she just wants to know what the fuck is up. Should she cook or not, should she expect you home or should she go out with your kid while you're away at work.

Know when to push and when to pull. You don't implement MRP then evaluate every interaction. There isn't always some hidden agenda. Just tell your wife what's up so she can plan for the family. You don't have to give her play by play nor do you need permission, but how can she properly run a home when her husband isn't leading but leaving her to just 'figure it out'.

EDIT Also :

but, I am a little mentally exhausted right now

Stop thinking about whether your actions are 'alpha' enough or fucking 'beta'. Just be a Man who lives a masculine life that leads his family.

This is not complicated nor does it require that much effort. Just stop being a fuck who chooses the easy path of conformity to the feminine agenda. Lift your weights, lead, take action while informing your wife, you don't need permission to do anything because you're a fucking Man.

Think less, do more

Acta, Non Verba

james_bell · 2015-06-05T04:35:12+00:00

"I'll be home at X" isn't beta it's just reasonable logistics when you're living with someone, raising kids, etc.

taon4r5 · 2015-06-05T03:17:21+00:00

I might be missing how this is complicated. Sounds like she wants to know in advance if you're not going to be home when ordinarily expected, so she can make adequate plans comfortably. Not to control or oppress you, but to be looped in on the action.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-06-05T17:21:21+00:00

"If you are not going to be home by 6....Can we figure out a way to make this work for both of us and be respectful to the other person? I'm feeling very overwhelmed and like a lot is falling on me

Why would you ignore this text? It certainly sounds like a respectful and reasonable tone and her concerns are legitimate. She gets home from work and expects her husband to be there and she is upset when he is not.

I think you are totally in the wrong here. MRP is not about 'ignoring' your wife. She is supposed to be your trusted and valuable First Officer! Your second in command. Why wouldn't you let her know ahead of time you were working late? What possible motive could you have for ignoring a respectful, to the point, text that is dealing mostly with logistics (as texts are supposed to be).

Try to imagine Commander Riker, he has manned the conn for several hours. He is expecting the Captain back on the bridge soon. Captain Picard doesn't fail to tell him, oh, by the way I won't be back until much later. He coordinates with his First Officer! There is a ship to run and you are not running it very well from what I can see.

RPAlternate42 · 2015-06-05T03:20:52+00:00

You seem to have an erratic work exit time. Set a time as standard.
You seem to be confusing not asking for permission with not telling her at all. It's fine, and preferred, to tell her ahead of time what you are doing, but you needn't kowtow to when she objects; if you are leaving work late, tell her you will be late and leave it at that.
She is likely going to hit you with a few shit tests regarding your erratic schedule and lack of respect for the family's schedule and I'm inclined to say you deserve it.

Captains don't need to tell anyone what they are doing, but the crew should be made aware of the commanders intent (this is actually military parlance.). A captain should be steady of hand and word and should not wildly change habits or schedules as it disrupts the crew and the vessel.

jons_throwaway · 2015-06-05T09:46:49+00:00

Telling her what time is not beta. Be a respectful leader and partner. By not telling her you are neither of those.

jcrpta · 2015-06-05T21:01:12+00:00

You sound like you're relatively new at this - or if not new, then at least seeing very slow progress.

Let me clue you in on a few things which I hope will speed up your comprehension:

RP philosophy is a big, complex thing full of nuances and subtleties. It's mostly written about by men whose writing style is about as subtle as a 13lb lump hammer. You will misunderstand things, those misunderstandings - unless rapidly corrected - will set you back enormously. Don't be afraid to ask on here for help, that's the whole point of a forum like this.
1. Clue: It's not RP to mentally translate "not taking shit off people" as "storming off in a mood whenever someone says something you disagree with". It's not RP to refuse to talk to your wife about simple logistical issues. It's not BP to hire a professional to do a job you can't do yourself. It is, however, BP to leave the job to fester because you can't be bothered with getting it sorted.
You have a lot of things to do. Read everything on the sidebar - twice - start lifting weight and go on a diet to drop some of that flab. Most doctors would recommend you lose no more than about 2lb of fat per week, and it's quite difficult to keep this up consistently every single week for months on end. So if you're just 20lb overweight, you've probably got a good 3 months' work ahead of you right there.
There is no room for laziness in a redpill man. Relaxing, yes, that's important. But slobbing out for the sake of it has got to stop.
You will find yourself unsure about things once in a while. The RP man is a man who has his shit together. So, think to yourself "What would a man who had his shit together do in this situation?". The answer to that one's usually pretty obvious - once you've figured out what it is, go and do it without further delay.

[deleted] · 2015-06-05T13:45:52+00:00

If you're not in a deep stage of dread there's no real reason to be shady about your whereabouts. And this can spark comfort testing. No fun.

strategos_autokrator · 2015-06-05T14:28:46+00:00

If you are just hiding your plans for no particular reason, then, you are just an asshole, and doing this won't achieve anything except to show her that.

If it is a logistical issue, tell her. You don't need to excuse why you are working late, nor need her permission, but if it has an impact on her plans, then tell her.

When you start doing stuff arbitrarily like this it makes her trust your leadership LESS. It is unattractive. Leaders don't need to explain their reasons to everyone. But also, they aren't leaders if they don't communicate their plans well enough that those they lead can actually do their work following.

fnordsnord · 2015-06-05T15:09:04+00:00

Where you have broken down here is that while you do not need her permission, she does need to be able to plan and respond to the decisions you make.

It it not "whipped" to tell your wife when you will be home. It is showing leadership.

There is a world of difference between "Honey, may I please put in a little time at the office" and "I'm going to work late tonight."

jacktenofhearts · 2015-06-06T01:45:57+00:00

I think one of the biggest things I am getting from all of this is the "captain" piece.... I read some of the books from the side bar... I get the captain and first officer thing. I have started to incorporate it into my life...

So the Captain/FO is a good basis for establishing frame in your marriage, but how quickly your wife adopts that frame depends on several things, one major component is how strong her frame is. It sounds like she came into your marriage with this titanium and steel-reinforced frame and you're struggling because you don't realize you're going to need to work on dismantling that before you really can get any leeway establishing your own frame.

"If you are not going to be home by 6....Can we figure out a way to make this work for both of us and be respectful to the other person? I'm feeling very overwhelmed and like a lot is falling on me."

This is why you're struggling. This is a pretty bullshit statement from your wife, and you know it, but you know any attempt to assert yourself will lead to a confrontation. A confrontation you basically dread, which is why you came running here to post. Intuitively, you know you're running smack dab into her frame and you're not nearly well equipped with your own just yet. You are bringing a knife to a gun fight. The thing about Red Pill is that it's not about dodging bullets in a gun fight. It's about not needing to dodge bullets at all.

What if I told you... that I'm going to put together what I think is an accurate psychological profile of your wife, and explain how you can dismantle her frame in a way that will give you room to construct yours? And I could do so without requiring two shitty sequels? Sound good? Let's do that.

OK, so your wife is kind of person I described as a "bad Type A." Hopefully Type A/B is common enough knowledge that I don't need to explain it. In general, Type A people are very goal-oriented and motivated, but also have higher degrees of anxiety because they care more about accomplishing said goals. "Good" Type A people seek to implement some sort of organization system to reduce the chaos that can interfere with accomplishing goals. Whenever there's any sort of brainstorming session, someone will eventually say, "wait, one sec, let's write this shit down," and volunteer to do so. That is a "good" Type A person.

NOTE: I think my wife was bailed out of everything her whole life... she doesn't take ownership of her own mistakes... likes to make a lot of excuses and blame others.

You "think"? Because if this actually happened, here's my theory. Your wife had parents that encouraged a lot of "overachievement." Expected good grades, lots of extracurriculars, etc. As a child, this probably overwhelmed your wife. She probably fucked up some things, because she was too overwhelmed with soccer practice and her cello concert that she never got a chance to study for that science test. So it's the night before this science test, and she's freaking out. She wants to quit soccer or cello, or drop down with the non-"gifted" students where all the homework and tests are easier, and her parents are just like, "No, that's ridiculous. You can do it." And if she ever wanted to veg out for an afternoon and watch TV, her parents would pop in and say, "doesn't someone have some cello music they need to practice for?" This leads to a very anxious mindset. She probably spent her entire childhood mostly in some state of anxiety.

Yet... unlike, say, the typical kid of hard-ass immigrant parents, her own parents never let her actually fail. You pile enough pressure on a kid, and they will eventually fuck up something. They'll get a C+ on the science test, or they'll get cut from the soccer team, or some other kid will be 1st chair in the cello section. If the parents think this is due to laziness, they'll say, "Yes, you performed poorly. This is what happens when you don't apply yourself. We know you can do better and you know you can do better." Through this experience, the overachieving kid learns that failure procedes some achievements, and they develop the kind of "dust yourself off and try again" attitude that will hopefully give them a sense of calm as they move into adulthood.

Or sometimes the kid has some sort of breakdown, and will say things like, I FUCKING HATE SOCCER AND I SUCK AT IT AND WHY DO YOU MAKE ME PLAY ANYWAY and the parents usually conclude, "Er, hmm. You really don't like soccer. OK, you can quit. It's better to do three things well than be mediocre at four things." Through this experience, the overachieving kid learns that recognizing limitations is not failure, and they can't be good at everything, and that's okay because nobody is good at everything. Very few people are good at anything, in fact.

Your wife's parents probably did neither. They nagged her to death to keep a high level of achievement, but when she failed, they swooped in to "save the day." And not even in a way that still made it clear she was at fault, and they were just protecting her because that's what parents do. No, if she got demoted from 1st cello chair, they called the orchestra teacher and gave him an earful about how talented your wife is, and how the orchestra teacher doesn't know music from his asshole, and you were going to take this to the principal. And maybe the orchestra teacher said, OK, this isn't worth the grief, I'm only getting paid $22,000 a year, so fuck it, frothyhaha's wife is 1st chair in the cello.

Your parents kept your wife in a constant state of anxiety regarding her achievements, but never let her internalize any lessons regarding achievements and failure. Mommy and daddy just fixed everything whenever she actually started failing at things. So she never reflected on how she could not fail the next time she did that thing, or maybe she was failing because she was exceeding her limits, and she should cut back and let some things go.

This is why your wife is the way she is. She has this deeply anxious personality where she's constantly hamstering about shit she's not getting done, but also hamstering that when it doesn't get it done, it's not her fault. Who's fault is it?

Your fault, buddy. That's her frame, and you've been operating in it your whole marriage. Now, if I completely whiffed on the psychological profile of your wife, then -- oops. I don't get 'em all right. You got enough other good advice here that you'll do fine without me. But if this sounds accurate and you're ready to follow me down the rabbit hole, proceed to the next comment (con't)

Title	What's your response to this?
Author	frothyhaha
Upvotes	5
Comments	39
Date	June 5, 2015 3:13 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/38m949/whats_your_response_to_this/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/whats-your-response-to-this.201755 https://theredarchive.com/post/201755

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