Wife Found Me on Tinder

rocknrollchuck · 2015-12-10T17:03:07+00:00

Just to give you some perspective, I had a virtual dead bedroom in January.

So did you create you Tinder profile in January? This is what I'd point out.

Either way:

"Hey, hon. You're right. This is stupid. Back in January we and I were at a low. The total lack of attention from you made me want to test, in what I saw was a harmless way, my attractiveness. I ~~got a bit addicted to the validation~~ was enjoying the attention [EDIT: Good call /u/rocknrollchuck]. But that validation comes at a cost to you. We're better now, and I'm better than that. Let's kill it together."

Then make it an event of deleting it. Like both press the delete button holding hands or whatever as some symbol of blah blah... you get the picture, chicks dig and need that romantic moment, even if you just deleting it serves the same purpose.

When there's no real/good way to right the wrong... own it and be sincere enough that it has made some impression on you.

its-iceman · 2015-12-10T17:05:50+00:00

I don't know what's worse for her to believe: that you fucked other women on Tinder, or that you are so beta you simply needed the validation of random women online talking to you.

alphabeta49 · 2015-12-10T19:15:57+00:00

Son, you done fucked up. In two ways.

You feel guilty.

Once cad went and talked about his cheating, it seemed like guys came out of the woodwork to offer (or confess) their affair stories. We've talked about it plenty and we all know the red pill as amoral, so we also know that such active dread is a mere tool in our box. Yet:

guilty pleasure

I've felt all along that it was wrong

tells me that you operate from a belief system that says talking to other women when you're married is wrong. You're not strong enough to "cheat" for dread, so you're "cheating" for your own validation, which is blue pill as fuck. (I say "cheating" because to a woman, any connection you make with another female will display as infidelity. It doesn't have to be physical to feel like unfaithfulness. So let's go with "you were soft core cheating".)

You felt it was wrong but did it anyway? That's some fucking pathetic blue pill hamstering you got going on. You have not reconciled your desire to flirt with your moral convictions. You gotta pick one. Either own your animal side and flirt with no remorse, or own your moral side and stop flirting because you believe its wrong. The longer you straddle the fence, the weaker your frame will be when shit hits the fan (i.e., what's happening right now).

It will do you no good to feel guilt from this, and you can bet your socks that your wife will use that guilt as signal that what you did was something to be guilty of. She will hop on board whatever train she sees you conducting. She is hurt and confused, and even in this situation - which would put any blue pill bitch in the doghouse for weeks - has potential to strengthen your frame.

(I have a theory. The reason you feel guilty, even after swallowing the red pill, is because you know you're doing this from a position of weakness. You know that phrases like this

It's been a huge ego booster

are not exactly what a stoic alpha man would say. So on top of your conscience telling you its wrong, you have the collective voice of MRP in the back of your head telling you its weak. At least, I hope you do. Because it is weak.)

If you're gonna do something this bold, your frame had better be so rock solid that you know you can get away with it. Do you think cad would ever feel the need to run to MRP for damage control advice? No, because his frame is fucking built. Yours isn't.

You let yourself drift out to the deep end.

Look, I can understand, and even condone, creating a tinder account with a dead bedroom. But once your marriage started turning around, having a tinder account was no longer about getting some attention. You were getting enough at home, right? But you didn't eschew tinder because that validation you were getting from strangers was addicting. Literally, chemically, neurologically addicting. Those sorts of brain rewards are more powerful than any substance, I get it. I've been there.

But you need to understand that it was a big fucking weak mistake to keep your tinder account for that reason. If you had told us you kept it as a backup source of dread, the problem would be much simpler. But you got lost in your own need for female validation and let your hunger ensure your blindness. Sadly, that hunger, left unchecked, will destroy your marriage. And the heading of your post makes it clear that's not your goal.

You took a step backwards when you ignored your gut and followed your heart.

It's been a huge ego booster and a lot of fun, even though I've felt all along that it was wrong

This stinks of weakness.

Put yourself in your wife's shoes for a second. Yeah, whatever, I know we don't usually jump into the female hamster wheel intentionally, but hear me out logically.

Your wife is going along, minding her own business, content as ever with the dead bedroom with her beta bucks husband. Then, slowly and steadily, he starts doing things that make her believe that she can't take him for granted anymore.

She can tell that he's manning up, and she likes it - even if she says she doesn't. She doesn't want to trust that he's for real, but after several months of him being awesome, she is convinced that this is for real, and even finds herself much more sexually attracted to him. At one point, they both agreed that their marriage was the strongest and hottest its ever been. She even decided to tease him by putting some lacy red panties in his suitcase for a work trip with fun little note.

He's working on himself, she's working on herself, its all gravy.

But wait, what the fuck is this?! He's chatting with random strange women on a dating app?! Was our marriage not what he wanted? I'm so confused. What did I do wrong? He made it clear that sex was important to him, and we've been doing great. What more does he want? I don't know what else to do! Was it not enough? What did I miss?!

I'm not white knighting here, but take a minute to step outside yourself and see how contradicting your actions are.

What do you do now? Like I said, and like many here are suggesting, the mood and outcome of all this are largely up to you. Do you believe it was a shitty mistake? Then own your shit. Do you feel justified in your tindering? Then own that and make it clear, with as few words as possible, why you did it.

Above all, you need to decide where your marriage really is. It sounds like you've been bullshitting yourself. Take a minute to process it all out. And for heaven's sake, don't fucking dare do any of this processing out loud in front of your wife. Set your frame, then let her see it. Don't let her watch you fumble with the pieces as you try to assemble them.

2015-12-10T18:46:37+00:00

This entire post had 2 parts.

I has tinder account, wife mad, what to do?
EXCUSES and hamstering it as NBD

Women can forgive all kinds of shitty behaviour from men. The one thing they cannot forgive is a shitty, low value man. Stop making excuses, first to yourself, then to her. Be fucking honest. So long as you are built up to a level of SMV that is high, she'll get over it.

I've flat out told my SO I had a tinder account. She called me an asshole, then we had sex an hour later. It's had 0 bearing on our interactions. I haven't hooked up, or even tried to with it, but you think I explained that to her?

(segway conversation) Yeah, I think I still have a tinder account.

Asshole!

What!? I wouldn't worry, you're fucking me real good.

then the conversation moved on

I'll be honest, I didn't really see what the point of it is. It's basically the exact same as the bar, but without having to leave your house, and you can take your time on practicing game. Almost like a cheat code or something. It's not a big deal for me, and I expressed that through my actions, unapolagetically.

Know what? It's how she treated it as well. I'm sure there was some crap behind the scenes where she checked on me, but I couldn't care less.

As for you, explain how this came from a position of strength? My wife won't validate me, and now I'm looking for it elsewhere. Now she knows and is mad, what should I do?

Ever consider flat out telling her, like /u/Countpudyoola says... "Our relationship was shit, I made a tinder account, delete it for all I care, I don't need an app"

then maybe stop looking for randos on the internet to validate your ego on the regular. You haven't grown as a man, you've just replaced oneitis for the wife with oneitis for the swipe.

The madder she gets, the more you know that your improvement isn't there yet. This is no different than flirting with the waitress at the restaurant, or subtly kino'ing the SIL for fun.

MRPguy · 2015-12-10T16:42:39+00:00

Ha. When I read the title I was thinking she was also on Tinder and was wondering if she swiped left or right on you.

It's been a huge ego booster and a lot of fun, even though I've felt all along that it was wrong.

Have you felt all along that it is wrong or felt that if your wife caught you it would be wrong? You need to have a stern talk with yourself. Delve back into NMMNG. Remind yourself that you have value. Delve back into WISNIFG. Remind yourself that only you are your judge (but that there are always consequences for actions).

BluepillProfessor · 2015-12-10T16:40:42+00:00

It is super Dread- and SUPER SUPER stupid.

There are 2 solutions.

Stand your ground, hold frame, assure her you are not cheating.
Give your wife a copy of this post and then go to her and delete your Tinder account AND your 2,000 matches right in front of her. A true apology and even flowers may be in order although you probably want to just do the "mistakes were made" and "I just wanted to see how man girls I could match and got carried away" blah blah.

Personally, I would do number 2. It may not be "Red Pill" but if your marriage is going well and you have hurt your wife playing with fire then you need to put out the fire and then soothe the burn. IMHO.

IASGame · 2015-12-10T17:10:29+00:00

Own your dumbass mistake. Dont apologize either.

bogeyd6 · 2015-12-10T20:58:12+00:00

I do not know how applicable this is:

When she brings it up, just hug her and tell her she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Then walk away. Enjoy your sex slave for life.

Seems like many in the thread have the opinion that you should apologize. I am firmly with /u/TrainingTheBrain and not apologizing. First, women and children apologize. Not men. Second, you done fucked up. The only chance you have is to hold frame and own the mistake. Move on. Don't fall into her frame and try to explain this a thousand different ways. Women feed off excess emotion.

There is also a good dread thing for your woman. Also, a bad dread thing. Chances are if the relationship is destroyed it is already. No amount of making up for it is going to save it. Your best bet, in my opinion, is to dismiss it as a mistake because of the dead bedroom thats been fixed. She needs to know you have options and will leave, for a marriage to be succesful. If you fold like a cheap suit, that will benefit no one.

alphabeta49 · 2015-12-10T19:24:38+00:00

A shorter version of my comment:

You want us to help you through this shit when you can't even decide if tinder is good or bad for you? You've jumped in over your head if you don't know whether to justify your actions or apologize for them.

thenarrrowpath · 2015-12-10T20:13:09+00:00

This is why I never allow notifications on my phone.

MrFuckupKing · 2015-12-10T21:35:28+00:00

An apology is an admission of guilt. In these circumstances you cannot afford to admit guilt.

Messing around on tinder while traveling means to her that you are fucking other women when you travel. The more you deny it the more guilty you appear even if you are innocent.

Even from my point of view as a guy you look guilty. 2k while traveling? At best it looks like you are having random emotional affairs with strange women.

To win wars you must sometimes lose battles. You will need to take a hit to her trust in you.

Better to be an insecure asshole than someone caught fucking around on their wife.

First tell her you would never fuck whores on tinder. If you would fuck around on her it would be with someone at least as classy as her. Maybe her sister? Be an asshole with good taste.

Admit that you have a problem with flirting and leading women on. As a woman she will be able to relate to this and it shifts her brain from thinking that you are just some dog that humps every passing human leg.

You could say something along these lines. " I'm a narcissist, I admit it ! I like fucking with women's heads BUT I'M NOT FUCKING THEIR BODIES"

In war you sometimes need to give ground to win the ultimate battle.

All women want to be able to save a man from himself. You now win the war by letting her save you. You say this...

Since we have become closer I find myself thinking about other women less and you more.

The tinder is fun but I know all the attention from women is giving me a big head which I already have and should not encourage.

Admit you are an egotistical maniac (asshole) so she does not think you are an adulterer.

The idea is to admit indirectly that you are an over confident asshole not an insecure asshole.

I'm a big believer in pussy on the side. Monogamy in my opinion is not natural for a man but don't hurt those you love when getting strange pussy and if you do never ever admit it.

In the end she wants you to lie to her because the truth is going to wreck her life. Give her something else to believe in and than stop being stupid in the future.

2015-12-11T03:46:43+00:00

I don't see how you can get past this with the apology route while maintaining a preferable dominant frame.

You lost some face when she was monitoring your chats, but in your opinion you didn't cheat - so act like its no big deal. You can walk that path easily saying it's just some silly fun, it's basically Candy Crush, and she shouldn't worry so much.

But damn, you messed up good, hehe. Mind your steps!

ruse_of_metacarpi · 2015-12-11T15:51:30+00:00

Nobody is addressing the elephant in the room. Cover your tracks and keep your shit locked down.

Never mind the apologies/explanations. She should have have been able to view or access your tinder account.

Personally I believe men should be able to at least flirt, approach or do whatever it takes to have 2 or more in the kitty. Admit it, it's always an appealing prospect to have a backup plan just in case.

I've also seen so many guys get burned by pure carelessness. Just shit that could have easily been avoided. For Christ sakes keep a burner phone and do your tindering or whatever shady business you're into on that.

Just in case there are some do gooders in the crowd, let me explain. TRP is amoral my friend, that goes for MRP too. We are already playing the woman's game and living in the woman's society. If the man wants to tinder, let him tinder. Just keep that shit out of sight.

debashis22 · 2015-12-10T17:09:29+00:00

Don't people consider success on Tinder to mean actually hooking up with HB8s+?

Jessie_James · 2015-12-10T18:35:06+00:00

In addition to other things said here, I would also tell her that part of the reason why your marriage has improved so much lately is due to you improving yourself and "practicing" new skills with other women.

Johnny10toes · 2015-12-12T16:09:58+00:00

What is your wife doing on Tinder?

fatalbinoninja · 2015-12-10T17:03:38+00:00

This seems like a perfect time for no fucks and AM. Just grin, own your shit and tease her. Find the qualities you most like about her or that she is most proud of and say you couldn't go with those girls because of X. Make it some silly quality like the way she folds clothes or something.

Just have fun with it. You've done nothing wrong so why worry. It's just like flirting with the waitress in front of her. Who cares what she thinks, you're just being social and having fun.

But the most important part is not apologizing. You did nothing wrong and so there is nothing to be sorry about.

GarbageBunny · 2015-12-15T21:21:37+00:00

wow. as a woman who gets hit on a lot, nooooone of those people could take annnny of my attention off my partner, no matter who they are, what they said, or what they looked like. are you like.. super into your wife? or.. just a little? 'cause, idk, it sounds like you might not be that into her.

Wife Found Me on Tinder

TL/DR: Wife found my Tinder account. I wasn't cheating, but I had flirted with a lot of women younger and more attractive than her. Wife is understandably hurt. I have zero desire to end my marriage. How should I approach / deal with this?

Comments

Title	Wife Found Me on Tinder
Author	MyRedditBurner987654
Upvotes	13
Comments	52
Date	December 10, 2015 4:25 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/3w8olc/wife_found_me_on_tinder/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/wife-found-me-on-tinder.200611 https://theredarchive.com/post/200611