[FR] Six Months of MRP

Here are a few random notes about what I've learned in my first six months of MRP with in case they are helpful to anyone who's recently started, apologies for the length:

1. The changes I originally wanted are taking longer than I thought they would.

A. This is frustrating. But at the same time, many unexpected rewards accrued along the way. So MRP was immediately rewarding, even if not in the way I expected (or initially wanted).

B. Still, even though I have a long way to go, I feel so much better about myself, and have noticed that I have an easier time dealing with all kinds of problems not just those in my marriage. Especially conflicts with other people; I'm finding my stronger frame is an effective tool or even a useful weapon (my career involves a lot of conflict). For example, I recently told an opponent that I thought his conduct was disappointing and I had expected more from him. I did this without feeling the least bit anxious, it all just felt pretty matter of fact. He DEERed.

C. My kids talk all the time now about how strong I am, feel my biceps, brag to their friends, make me do stuff (lots of pushups, using my straight arm as a chinup bar, etc). This feels great and what a difference in the kind of example I'm setting from six months ago when I was a fat dad-bod slob who looked disgusting with his shirt tucked in. Had I known only six months could make this difference I would have started a long time ago.

D. Last night my wife told one of the kids to eat his veggies so "you can get strong like Daddy." Together 20 years, never heard anything like that before.

E. Replacing my wardrobe with new better fitting fashionable stuff has been a tremendous amount of fun and feels great. Much better than what I used to have, which was a love-hate relationship with clothes.

2. When I started I just wanted more sexual access in my marriage, but what I want has been changing along with other changes. Some examples:

A. Now I'm studying bodybuilding and am fascinated. I have all kinds of bodybuilding goals; never in my prior non-athletic life did I ever think of myself in these terms. For just one example, I'm practicing to be able to free handstand.

B. As part of my MAP, I've recently begun really, seriously, asking myself "what do I want?" This is leading to a wholesale change in my goals list, the vast majority of which--if not all--has nothing at all to do with my relationship.

3. Unlike ever other self-improvement "program" I've ever tried, I have stuck with MRP over a long term. I believe that this is due to the fact that MRP clearly works and is demonstrably rewarding.

4. Re-reading the sidebar materials after being away from them for a few months is providing new benefits and insights. For example:

A. I recently re-read the practical portions of WISNIFG and understand the tools like "negative inquiry" and more importantly when to use them relative to each other.

B. I recently re-listened to MM on audio. The section on kino in particular really made an impact on me and I'm now trying to kino someone new every day as well as my wife. I realized that I was thinking of kino as either sexual or sexually suggestive but the re-listen showed me I was screwing up by overlooking strictly non-sexual touch (e.g. holding hands, arm around shoulder, etc).

C. When I read the sidebar materials for the first time, I lacked (a) the vocabulary and (b) real life practice. Now that I understand the "language" better and have actually tried to implement things in the field, re-reading the original instructions is almost as eye-opening as reading them for the first time, and it seems to me, maybe even more helpful on a practical level and less theoretical.

5. Working through the MAP takes time because it is stepwise, that is, I had to master earlier concepts through practice before I was ready for subsequent concepts.

A. One example is teasing, which turns out to be a critical and highly entertaining skill. I really couldn't begin teasing my wife effectively until I was truly OI. Before that I was just too afraid of making her mad to tease her about anything.

6. Frame takes time and effort to develop.

A. There were times when developing my frame seemed hopeless and I was very frustrated. I understood the idea from a rational perspective but internally I had no frame of my own to even "get in" (whatever that meant). I never had a frame and didn't even know what it felt like. There was only her frame. I had nothing to grab on to if that makes sense. So, I kept screwing up and proving I was still in her frame. But I kept picking myself up and trying to get my own frame built and installed.

B. In hindsight, my own frame grew very fast in a relative sense. It took me about four months to get to something like a solid frame. This now seems like a trivial amount of time in light of what I now realize is a sea change in my entire outlook on life.

C. Now, for example, during a recent power struggle with my wife, she fitness tested me at a new level, basically directly insulting me several times during the conversation ("why don't you be a man and [do what she wants]" etc.). It didn't phase me at all. I never felt like taking the bait, it didn't hurt my feelings, and eventually I told her without rancor that the conversation was over because it was unproductive. Sexy times followed. Go figure.

7. Random IOI's get more obvious and fun as I go along. A couple examples:

A. In a recent large exercise class, the coach unexpectedly told us to pair up. I immediately and effortlessly approached and paired with the best looking girl in the class (a total stranger, HB8). I kino'd her, chatted her up, and teased her about her unusual name. Didn't try to close (not my thing). Just after the class we randomly bumped into each other in a nearby grocery, I was in a hurry so I just said hi and moved on. Later I caught her pretending to look through a nearby basket of leftover Easter candy so she could see me while I was checking out. Sweet. :)

B. Lately women have been approaching me and engaging me in conversations, making jokes, etc. None that I'd have any SMV interest in yet but it is a new development and interesting.

8. The power struggles with my wife are getting bigger.

A. I think the "size" of the struggles is relative to my capacity to hold frame and deal with them. Kind of like beating a level in a video game and going on to a harder level. (According to MRP conventional thinking I'm on a 15-month program due to the length of the marriage.)

B. I can now see that if the cycles continue we will hit a "main event" and I feel ready for it, where only a few months ago I would definitely not have handled it well.

9. You literally cannot take anything your wife says about her feelz or your relationship seriously.

A. In the last six months she has told me: (a) she "hates me" (b) she wants a divorce (c) we should separate (d) I am a narcissistic asshole and (e) she can't stand the thought of me ever touching her. Even just three nights ago she presented me with a "list" of things on her phone that she demanded I apologize for before she would give me any more affection, and I flat refused--stalemate.

B. Yet last night she was flirting with me about using "that" body oil the scent of which gets a pavlovian response out of me, and two nights ago I was getting a spontaneous bj and some sweet lingerie sexy time where she set up candles and romantic music in the bedroom to surprise me. Nothing changed between three nights ago and two nights ago...

I don't know what the attrition rate is for newbies to MRP but from my experience I recommend sticking to it like glue. Most important from my experience is that it didn't take long before some benefits started coming through, even if the main sexual access problem wasn't solved yet. And for me, the ancillary benefits may be as significant--if not more so--than the problem I originally came here to fix. Peace.