Let this one fundamental rule guide you:

You are in full control of who you pursue and allow into your life. It is your responsibility to not let fantasy cloud your judgment and not see things as they truly are.

Only dedicate time and effort to those who value you.

  1. Don’t continue to reach out if she’s non-responsive or never takes initiative to contact you. Sometimes people get busy, so you don’t want to get up in arms if she occasionally takes some time to respond. However, be observant about the general pattern of your communication with her. If she’s attracted to you, she will be reaching out to you a good portion of the time.

Don’t be someone’s second option or source of attention. Even if you like her, don’t let your hopes cloud your perception. If it’s like pulling teeth getting her to respond, then it’s fucking time to move on.

  1. Real life isn’t Hollywood. Don’t wait in the wings for her if she’s in a relationship. This classic White Knight/savior complex thinking. In this scenario, a guy has feelings (or thinks he has feelings) for a woman, she’s unavailable, and he thinks he can treat her better. In the movies, this type of guy is the hero; his only redeeming quality is his “dedication”.

In real life, this type of guy is pathetic (also known as a male orbitor) and rightfully almost never gets the girl. You can’t put your life on pause for someone—they will NOT live up to the fantasy you’ve built in your head. There is so much opportunity out there to meet someone who will make you their FIRST priority.

  1. Don’t buy her things to “win points”. You can’t buy attraction. Guys who chase women often think they can buy their way to her heart—expensive dinners, flowers, trips, etc. The sad thing is, they don’t give because they genuinely want to see her happy, but rather they feel that these favors add up on an unspoken numbers system, where she’ll eventually agree to have sex with him because of his generosity.

This is hallmark “Nice Guy” thinking. When you are first dating someone, don’t spend money trying to impress her. If she has a high level of attraction, she’ll want to spend time with you almost anywhere.

  1. Don’t place her on an imaginary pedestal. She’s a human being with flaws, just like you. I’ve done this before myself. As men, we tend to idealize women are physically attractive, and place them on a pedestal above us. As mentioned previously, we’ve been conditioned by Hollywood to believe that an attractive woman is the prize for acts of self-sacrifice and devotion. Attraction doesn’t work that way in the real world. Women get extremely turned off when men get nervous around them. Think about it—if a woman is around a guy who is intimidated merely by her presence, why would she feel comfortable and safe around him? Women want to be appreciated, not worshipped.

  2. Don’t dedicate yourself to her if she’s not committed to you. This is one of the most common mistakes I see guys make. They’ll meet a woman who they find attractive, start overthinking and project their romantic hopes and dreams onto her. They stop pursuing other dating options, under the assumption that they’re going to be in a relationship with her.

Basically, they give relationship-level commitment way too early, before an actual relationship has been established. These guys often wind up getting burned; she goes cold or will string him along.

Let’s make this very clear—you are to keep your dating options open—and actively date other women until you are in an actual relationship that has been agreed upon by both you. That’s when you exhibit dedication and slowly invest emotionally.

TLDR:

  • Only dedicate time and effort to those who value you.

  • Don’t wait in the wings for women who are taken or not invested in you in some manner

  • You can’t buy attraction.

  • Don’t place her on an imaginary pedestal. She’s a human being with flaws, just like you.

Full article on topic: https://modating.substack.com/p/the-cardinal-rule-of-dating-for-men