Throwaway account time: How many of you have to hide your membership to /MR? How many of you would lose their children/homes if your wife caught you reading this subreddit?

Alanna · 2011-06-14T00:18:10+00:00

You seem to want to salvage your relationship if you can, so this is written with this in mind.

she threatened to initiate divorce proceedings if I ever brought up an MR argument or even got caught reading /MR again.

This is the part that worries me (woman here). It's obviously controlling and I would even say abusive. I would not leave the matter there but bring it up after she's calmed down. Assuming you feel like you know her, see if you can figure out why this triggered such a violent emotional reaction from her. Try approaching it obliquely, bring up women's rights or feminism and see what her take on those issues are. Take an evening when she's in a good mood, and you're not that stressed, and be honest-- you were shocked by her ultimatum, and don't understand her vehemence.

If she continues to blindly hate on men's rights, I'd say you should start divorce proceedings yourself, especially before you have kids. You do not want to feel like you are trapped.

Oh- to answer your question, no, my husband rolls his eyes sometimes at the amount of time I spend on /r/mensrights, but I've certainly never had to hide it. He's the one who got me into men's rights in the first place. :)

ghebert001 · 2011-06-14T00:05:24+00:00

I have to agree with wavevector. If she's like this now, it can only get worse. My wife doesn't seem to be a big fan of my reading and posting here, but she wouldn't give me an ultimatum like your wife did. Giving ultimatums like that is childish and most of all, disrespectful. If she can't have a civilized discussion about it and just wants to cut you off from it, she may do so again in the future for something else you are passionate about that she disagrees with.

Respect is big in a marriage, and your wife has none.

She sounds like someone from r/feminisms would sound like...ya know..."silence the dissenters and keep the truth from seeing the light of day" kind of thing.

That's just my 2 cents...take it as you will.

kragshot · 2011-06-13T23:47:59+00:00

Dude...time to do the Jody Watley and look for a new love! This is a clear sign that your ideas and viewpoint are not valued in that marriage. You need to ask her if censoring your mind is worth losing her marriage. Also, check all of the links on this page for resources if you do decide to get out.

And to answer your question, my wife knows that I read and write on this subject. Considering that her brother went through a hell of an ugly custody battle with his son (in fact, Jefferey Leving was his attorney and his case is one of the ones that he discusses in his book), she understands quite well the hell and short shrift that men get today.

Man, you need to either get this straightened out and if you can't, well as Paul Simon said:

"Slip out the back, Jack.

Make a new plan, Stan.

No need to be coy, Roy.

Just listen to me.

Hop on the bus, Gus.

Don't need to discuss much.

Just drop off the key, Lee...

and set yourself free."

ManThoughts · 2011-06-13T22:55:07+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that.

I know you didn't ask for my advice, and it's really none of my business. but you might want to start preparing for a divorce. We have a Divorce section in the sidebar of this redditt. Better to be prepared and not need it than the alternative.

Demonspawn · 2011-06-13T22:52:10+00:00

Initiate divorce proceedings against her. Now.

I am totally serious. Her behavior is the ultimate shit test. She is demanding that you submit unconditionally to her, and forfeit even the ability to think about your rights.

That is unacceptable, man. Totally unacceptable. It speaks of a profound disrespect for you, and for all men. You must not cave to this pressure unless you want to throw away the rest of your life. You are lucky that you don't have kids, because then you would be screwed.

If she sees you are serious about walking, and that she can't dominate you like that, she may have a change of heart. If not, you do not want to be with her. Except if you're into femdom, perhaps.

My wife (of 18 years) was very negative at first, but she's come round. I just would read to her one of the terrible stories that are posted here and elsewhere once in a while, and ask her to think about that happening to one of our sons. That put it into perspective for her.

inyouraeroplane · 2011-06-14T00:48:27+00:00

Umm, no. Just like I wouldn't divorce my wife just for reading Feministing. Now, if she saw you reading something that advocated circumcising women, yeah, she would have a reason to leave. If you see her looking at S.C.U.M. it's GTFO time.

misterdoctorproff · 2011-06-14T04:31:39+00:00

Should you stay with this woman even though she caught you reading /MR and got angry about it?

Would a black slave stay with a white person even though he/she caught him/her reading Uncle Tom's Cabin and got angry about it?

kloo2yoo · 2011-06-14T12:43:36+00:00

This post s why /mensrights exists.

neofool · 2011-06-13T22:55:21+00:00

That's kinda messed up.

I've never had to hide my subscription. It's unacceptable for someone to tell you you are not allowed to read something.

Gareth321 · 2011-06-14T07:17:41+00:00

As everyone has pointed out, she's laying down the foundation for absolute submission from you. I consider that a form of abuse. Imagine reversing the roles, and threatening her with divorce if she ever read any feminist material. You would never do that to her, right? Well she needs to be on the same page. If the person you're with has so much contempt for you and your beliefs, why would you want to be with them? I understand you might think "it's just one little thing... I like lots of other things about her". This isn't an isolated trait. This is an indicator of her feelings and intentions towards you. Her wish to dominate you emotionally colours everything else in your relationship. I bet if you think hard about the last year, you can pick out many subtle and not-so-subtle actions which demonstrate her contempt for you.

All I ask is that you make sure she holds you to the same standard that you hold her. If she won't, then it's a toxic relationship. Explain your beliefs clearly and without anger. Don't lower yourself to her level. People in power rarely want to lose it, and the more they have, the harder they will fight to keep it.

tomek77 · 2011-06-14T00:37:46+00:00

I am sorry to tell you this, but you have just seen your wife's true nature: she is using you as a slave (obviously, you're far from being the only guy in this situation, so don't feel bad) and she will not allow her slave to have a glimpse of freedom.

This is how she will be to you when she's done using you (after the divorce)

My advice: minimize the damage and divorce her ASAP (you don't have kids yet, so you should still be able to get out).

AnnArchist · 2011-06-14T03:02:12+00:00

If she would divorce you over that, you better not get her pregnant. At least right now you could walk away.

fscker · 2011-06-14T03:25:13+00:00

Not married! Planning to stay that way.

Revorob · 2011-06-14T08:13:44+00:00

personally, i think she's horrified at the thought of losing power in her life, and is lashing out in fear

Basically, your wife has all the power in your marriage and obviously, she doesn't want to share. Has she ever brought up a women's issue for discussion? Same thing - just that it suits her. Please don't tell me you don't know that women are generally hypocrites.

I am not married - fortunately - so don't have to worry about what the other half thinks. However, I am well known for my pro-male and anti-feminist (as opposed to anti-woman) stance. I someone doesn't like my philosophy, they can fuck off. My employers are aware of my stance and being Mormons, they don't approve. Again, my stance is that so long as I am doing a good job and making money for them, why should they care what I think? If they do care that much, they can find another highly educated person to work for them.

Basically - I am me and me is I. I say what I believe in and worry about the consequences later on.

phoenix_dot_exe · 2011-06-14T06:47:19+00:00

Before you jump to any conclusions, step back for a second: She really does think that the vocal minority of misogynists in the MRM represent the entire movement, probably because they scream the loudest. Her first impression was of these screaming retards, so she doesn't even know what the rest of us are in this for. She thought she knew you, now she thinks you're a radical misogynist (or in danger of becoming one).

She feels betrayed by someone she loves dearly. It feels, to her, like your whole marriage has been a lie, like you don't really respect her, and for a stupid, hateful reason. Her automatic response got the jump on her rational mind, and she's on autopilot. From the sound of it, this experience feels exactly the same for you.

Go for long-ass walk to yell at the sky, or whatever you need to do to let it out and calm down, and then maybe do something you both love together, to remember why you're with her (if you feel up to it, it can help, but it can be destructive if you don't).

And man, just forget about apologizing for the misogynist tools. You can't speak for any of us, really, and she knows that. As far as your marriage and her image of you are concerned, it only matters what you are here for. So tell her about you. Just don't force the issue while the wounds are still fresh, because there is nothing more infuriating than trying to confront raw emotions with reason. Emotions have no fucking respect for what's right or true.

Take some time for both of you to cool down. Maybe watch a movie together or something, so you can put this issue on the back burner for a bit. When you are both comfortable enough to try again, you can open the discussion again. Try to be understanding, listen to what she has to say (it's really hard to do in these situations, so you have to try extra fucking hard). Don't be too quick to play the victim, but telling her how this makes you feel will help a lot towards getting her to understand where you're coming from.

You can do this, bro. You can do anything. I promise you, working this kind of shit out is what makes any relationship. Do what it takes to remind yourselves why you love each other, and this should work out.

TL;DR: Don't be too quick to escalate things. Both of you need to calm down, so that you can be rational. And give that bitch some emotions. Bitches love emotions. :)

black44166 · 2011-06-13T22:51:21+00:00

I've lucked out with the girl I've been seeing off and on for the past few years, and that she would never pick a fight with me about this subreddit. In fact her opinion on circumcision has changed since she's read a few of those articles on here, and she's always willing to discuss any relevant article.

I wish I had some advice beyond the idealistic "find someone that loves you the way you are" type of crap, but keep your chin up and be who you are. If she divorces you for reading /MR then that's the way it happens, but don't allow her to censor your life.

2011-06-14T02:45:25+00:00

I feel bad for you. If there is any way for you to get out of that relationship I advise you to do it, but see a lawyer first, especially if you have kids or a lot at stake. My heart goes out to you.

Fortunately I am young and single and discovered this stuff before making the mistake of marriage. I grew up with a feminist mother who taught me that I need to give women everything that they want to be accepted. I've managed to over come that and am now much better at not putting up with abuse from my girlfriends. Take care of yourself.

carchamp1 · 2011-06-14T11:38:02+00:00

Yes. I definitely hide my MensRights reading/posting. I have to. But I'm a couple decades into a bad marriage with kids so I CAN'T divorce my wife. You can. Get out while you can.

deathsythe · 2011-06-14T12:00:47+00:00

I am fortunate enough to have a girl with a decent head on her shoulders.

She took a woman's studies type course that her school billed as poly sci. It was anything but. It was taught by this ridiculously liberal feminist broad, the bra burning/marching type. Naturally she had written the textbook for the class too.

After listening to the crap that left this womans mouth my darling girlfriend not only solidified her beliefs that she was anything but a feminist, but that she in fact was a Republican, and she told the "professor" this to her face (much to her dismay)

Does she get onboard with the whole /MR movement, not entirely, but does she believe in equality? Yes.

She is still a little jaded about the double standard, but I haven't showed her enough news articles to highlight the fact that female teachers molesting boys get mere weeks in prison, whereas men have to register as offenders and get years, etc... but that's okay. It is something neither of us will ever have to deal with, so its really a moot point though.

So no, no I don't have to hide it.

cyberslick18 · 2011-06-14T00:11:43+00:00

"Initiate divorce proceedings against her. Now."

This sums it up nicely. You probably won't though. You'll sit at your computer, read the horrible stories, say how you would never put up with it and how it's time to change things, and when it happens to you right in front of your own eyes, you'll cave.

Either you start the divorce and hope she changes, or you submit to her dominance and have a never ending cycling of internal turmoil that will affect every single facet of your life until you find closure.

You may think we are being drastic by suggesting this, but honestly, it's the only option that keeps your happiness, dignity and self respect intact. Do it, or lose a part of yourself forever.

Good luck and know that the community is here for you.

Ma99ie · 2011-06-14T03:25:55+00:00

It wouldn't cross my mind to deny this reddit, or MRA's in general for the sake of my spouse.

korkproppen · 2011-06-14T07:51:03+00:00

Have you tried talking to your wife and explain why you read and write in this sub-reddit? If you tell that it is not to be misogynistic, don't you think she'll understand!? women's and men's rights are about being treated equal and that is always a positive message :)

melb22 · 2011-06-14T09:42:57+00:00

Don't have that problem at all. I married an apolitical woman. She's just not interested enough in politics to get upset. I'm assuming your wife is either more political or has taken some women's studies courses.

Kill_The_Rich · 2011-06-14T13:59:19+00:00

Okay, wow....well first things first, you need to make sure r/MR isn't showing up in your browser history. Download firefox, or chrome and set it to automatically start in private browsing mode/incognito mode (I assume you should be able to do this in chrome). That should be enough to ensure that, if she does decide to invade your privacy, she probably won't find anything (unless she's like a computer forensics expert or something).

I'm not married and probably never will be...but after reading what you wrote, my knee-jerk reaction would be to get the fuck out of there. I can understand where those who mention talking it out would be coming from...although, it sounds like if you do broach the subject, she'll immediately file for divorce...right? I don't know, maybe you should just talk to a lawyer and see what they have to say about the whole thing. That, or maybe you could try couple's counseling (though, I'd be very careful in choosing your therapist as there are many therapists pushing "feminist psychology").

speaker_for_the_dead · 2011-06-14T20:34:17+00:00

Wow, simply wow. If you have to hide who you are then there are problems. Sorry, I hope she can accept you for who you are.

disposable_human · 2011-06-14T21:20:05+00:00

Before you even talk to a lawyer, run to the bank and empty all your accounts. Leave half if you feel like being fair, but understand it's a race now, and she'll take exactly what she feels like she deserves.

hopeless_case · 2011-06-15T14:49:02+00:00

My wife got more and more annoyed with my bringing up men's issues so I backed off on discussing it with her, or at dinner parties. She and my daughter have a whole act they do from time to time to make fun of my interest where they make a parody of my arguments. Neither of them are hostile to men's issues, though.

My brother's wife and I got into it once and I am pretty sure she has declared me persona-non-grata as he stopped returning my phone calls to chat.

I would be curious to hear a detailed run-down of your wife's main arguments as to why your interest in MR is so objectionable.

How is your relationship otherwise? I can't imagine that such hostility only manifests itself in a violent objection to an interest in MR.

jeffwong · 2011-06-15T19:08:04+00:00

Well, sometimes MR seems like complaints about "reverse racism". Proponents are people who are bitter that black people can use the N-word but white people cannot.

Assuming it's just ignorance, it is shocking that she would jump to such escalation based on mere ignorance. There is a basic problem here with "not even trying to understand first". I get that with gun ownership and hunting and the concept of self-defense.

Hope she can try a little open-mindedness and inquiry before making irreversible decisions.

thedevguy · 2011-06-14T03:08:14+00:00

How does she feel about feminism? Does she read books about feminism? If not, then maybe she just doesn't want any of this gender war strife in your relationship. If she agrees to stay away from feminism literature, and you agree to stay away from MR stuff, then the two of you can probably live a very happy life - and I promise you, you have a better chance of being happy with her than you do with anyone here in MR. :-)

killwhit3y · 2011-06-14T20:31:12+00:00

my wife and I read together and laugh our asses off. we know man-hating menstruating lesbians that have less of a whiny persecuted victim complex than r/mensrights. thanks for the lulz guys!

barbadosslim · 2011-06-14T04:03:12+00:00

your wife is right

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