Is love for men actually out there or am I destined to be giving more than I receive forever?

Maephia · 2020-10-26T19:33:46+00:00

A woman told me once that women fall in love easier than men but not as deeply.

Also it has been proven psychologically that men never recover from a heartbreak while women do, which gives credence to that statement.

mrmcthrowaway19 · 2020-10-26T18:16:08+00:00

I have felt this way in most relationships. I think the truth of the matter is that most women except soft chivalry to benefit them but also expect you to be egalitarian and enlightened where it benefits them.

It seems that a lot more women are simply takers and always will be.

Aaod · 2020-10-26T23:56:38+00:00

Good luck I wanted a woman who cared even half as much about me as I cared about them and the vast majority of women I dated utterly failed at that easy requirement. For most of them I was nothing more than something they could use or something like a beast of burden. For a gender that complaints about objectification they sure as fuck treat us like objects not actual human fucking beings. Almost all the women I dated fit into one or more of three categories crazy, treated me like shit, or took advantage of my kindness so I would rather be alone than deal with that bullcrap. Because of my experiences dating them and my other observations I now view women as utterly incapable of caring about men unless they prove otherwise on an individual level.

mewacketergi2 · 2020-10-26T19:21:29+00:00

You are going to be OK, but you need to learn to screen people you surround yourself with, and particularly romantic partners very carefully. In many places all over the world, it's not an established social norm for men to be treated adequately.

AskingToFeminists · 2020-10-26T19:44:41+00:00

I would suggest to first try to find a therapist (my personal preference goes for CBT) to help you get rid of the various dysfunctional patterns of behavior you might have developed as a consequence of being in a dysfunctional relationship. Otherwise your own behavior will either be a signal that attracts similar situations, or will incite your partner in falling into complementary patterns.

Once that's taken care off, the other important thing is self affirmation, and drawing strong boundaries relating to your own values. In this too, a therapist can help you if you feel the need.

Once you know what your values are, and what you won't compromise on... Screen for that in your partners. One important thing to find out, for example, is how they handle getting told no. How they handle being pissed off is an important sign, too. Clear communication is generally a key part of a healthy relationship (Warren Farrell specializes in that, so he might have material in that regard).

BlasphemousJester · 2020-10-27T10:23:30+00:00

Good women are out there. Women that truly want a partner to love. Women that aren't entitled. We exist.

The men in this thread can probably give you better dating advice than I ever could, but nevertheless, here's some things you might want to look for:

Girls that are down-to-earth. A more casual social media presence is a sign of a healthier mind than someone that's posting sexy pictures all the time.
Girls who have brothers! And good relationships with their brothers. Everyone talks about how you should look for a girl who has a good relationship with her dad. True. But growing up with brothers teaches females to have a lot of empathy for the male experience at all it's stages. At least it did for me.
Steer clear people who are clearly ideologically driven. There's a difference between someone that vehemently believes in fourth wave feminism vs people that "agree" but never gave it much thought. Try to learn to distinguish between the two. You may not be able to find a girl that's openly anti 4th wave feminism but there are still a lot of females out there that have open minds, they just haven't been given any other kind of information.
Once you start dating someone, if you're ever talking about an issue that they have a different opinion on (an opinion that they unknowingly adopted from ideology) use the socratic method. Just ask questions. Encourage them to think. Make sure you never force opinions. People get stuck and stubborn in their ideas but if they care about you, and you treat them with respect, the socratic method goes a long way. Remember in these kinds of convos, minds are usually not changed in a day.
Make sure you see some evidence that she has actual empathy for you!! And other people in general! This is more for the beginning of a relationship rather than just dating. But if she's the kind of person who laughs or doesn't take you seriously when you say things like "I'd really appreciate it if..." then drop her. These people can't be changed. Don't let little instances of narcissistic or entitled behavior go by. Don't ignore red flags. Too many guys put up with stuff bc they don't realize it's not a temporary bad moment, its a character flaw. And you deserve better..

Lastly, remember that humans are evolved for pair bonding. Its in our DNA to take care of one another! So don't lose hope. The beginning of relationships is usually characterized by excitement and adoration rather than making someone feel safe and taken care of, but that comes with time and mutual trust which makes it even more special. There are women out there that genuinely enjoy taking care of their man, it's just a behavior that isn't shown in the earlier stages of a relationship.

Blauwpetje · 2020-10-27T15:58:10+00:00

There is a difference between 'wanting to be a woman' and 'not wanting to go through all the difficulties a man has to'. Sometimes I wonder, if I had changed sex when I was a teenager (but that virtually didn't happen then) and then became a lesbian, wouldn't life have been a lot easier for me? No doubt. But it would have been something of an escape. I never really wanted to get rid of my penis, I never wanted to get rid of my masculine side (though I'm not a real macho, I remember and appreciated hanging out and joking with boys, some of my musical, literary and other tastes are quite masculine), but it would have been easier to be a semi-boyish girl who either didn't always have to take the initiative or at least wouldn't have been accused of sexist harassment when she did it the wrong way. Reasons for wanting to change sex can be tricky.

Robble93 · 2020-10-26T21:14:00+00:00

Your relationship was so draining because she had a personality disorder (borderline?). Luckily, not all women have personality disorders, although many women have some "BPD traits" that are normalised in popular culture. In the future, stop overgiving. When a woman starts acting distant, ask her calmly if something's bothering her, but don't chase her. Romantic love is a two way street. But what some people do, is being over the top affectionate (putting you on a pedestal) early on in the relationship and then suddenly withdraw. Because they tickled your ego with their over the top affection towards you, you then have become addicted to the feeling it gave you. But when they withdraw in the relationship, this feeling that you're addicted to is suddenly taken away. So you'll try and do everything to get some of that affection back, even if it's completely self defeating. You can avoid falling into this trap by taking care of your own mental health, doing things that increase confidence (other than having a partner), setting standards and enforcing boundaries in a relationship.

OkLetterhead10 · 2020-10-27T10:30:28+00:00

In all honesty, I'd love to adopt the "female" role. I want someone to fawn over me, protect me, and generally make me feel secure and safe and cared for.

Maybe you are talking about r/RoleReversal ?

BlasphemousJester · 2020-10-28T22:06:37+00:00

OP - I'm just going to follow up with one more piece of advice: make sure you read up on narcissism and sociopathy and how to make yourself an inconvenient target for these people.

You say you "continuously fed an emotional vampire"... I really feel for you. That is a traumatizing thing to go through. For your own mental health - you must make sure it does NOT happen again. (Not victim blaming - you did absolutely nothing to deserve this). But perhaps gaining some knowledge about what exactly happened will give you some armor for making sure this doesn't become a pattern. Emotional vampires prey upon certain personality types, and being a victim of emotional abuse can make you even more vulnerable to it happening again. There are good people out there, I promise. I truly hope you find a devoted and loving partner. In the meantime you must take care of yourself. Perhaps find a therapist to talk about the emotional abuse you went through. And remember it's very important you protect yourself against any more people that might hurt you. Here's some videos that helped me:

https://youtu.be/QAs0JKj9YzA

https://youtu.be/IIEIfOkT5YA

https://youtu.be/DvPaYoiI0y8

Sofus_ · 2020-10-27T16:30:15+00:00

I know your experience, the emotional vampire who share their huge problems, then abandon you the first time you would disagree to something. I never thought that grown people are like this, but many are. So just be careful, and don’t let it bring you down!

adam-l · 2020-10-26T20:17:05+00:00

Our feelings are, of course, products of evolution. "True love" is sacrificial in nature: you don't expect returns. If you do expect returns, people don't call it "love" but cold-hearted calculation.

The thing is that females had to invest more physically to childbearing, to a baby that carried only half their genes. The other half came from a man who was not expected to stick around for 18 years. So, evolution installed the feeling of love in men, in order to provide for their offspring. As you can probably see, there is no evolutionary reason for a female to provide "sacrificially" to a male.

I'd wager it's a safer bet to get intimacy from your male friends.

goldenjuniper · 2020-10-26T23:11:21+00:00

Sorry man, but why are you judging all women off of one woman with a known personality disorder?

That's no better than women saying "all men are rapists" because of a few psychopaths out there.

As for your specific problem, it sounds more like you've got some problems setting boundaries. I might suggest reading No More Mister Nice Guy. It's a great book for men that need to learn how to have healthy boundaries in their relationships.

PrincessofPatriarchy · 2020-10-26T23:03:21+00:00

Married men rend to live longer and researchers believe it is because they usually eat healthier (home cooked meals) and are made to go to a doctor more often if something is wrong. I wouldn't say women don't take care of their loved ones. Maybe you need to evaluate what you think caring looks like and how you want it to manifest. There's different types of love languages.

You dated someone with a personality disorder which would mess anyone up. But most people don't have personality disorders and are capable of caring about their significant other.

-SidSilver- · 2020-10-27T09:35:44+00:00

Please don't let heartbreaks or past relationships define how you proceed.

I have almost exclusively dated terrible, noxious women most of my life. It's partly because I enjoy strong, independent women who don't (appear) to need what you're asking for (though what you want isn't gendered. I think most people want that from a relationship in some form or another, they just either have trouble expressing it, or lean on wanting it too heavily) but for the last two years I've dated someone nurturing, caring... almost too fawning at times, and yet she's not overly different to those strong, independent women I like. She's just in better control of herself (i.e. her independence isn't a front for a personality defect, it's just genuine) and aware of the fact that a relationship is a two way street.

What's stunned me most is that my experiences aren't the bottom line. They're not the reality.

What you're looking for is out there, you just have to keep looking and don't fall into the trap of desperation where you're willing to accept someone who won't offer you what you want because you think you won't find anyone. Accepting a shittier thing puts you in a position where you're closed off from finding something better.

2020-10-28T15:30:34+00:00

So, you're bisexual then?

Also wanted to bring up an idea I've had floating around for a while which part of this post reminded me of. I have come to conclusion that a good deal of men genuinely desire to be dominated in romantic relationships with women (this may extend to actual sex too, but that's neither here not there). Obviously, this can have some undesirable outcomes. I'm starting to believe that it is in fact men who are the submissive sex, in many ways.

PMmeYOURcovfefe · 2020-10-27T03:04:11+00:00

Sweetheart, I'm not gonna give you the answer you want but I just put this out into the universe.

I am a femboy, and gender nomconforming, Ive always been sensitive and emotional and I married a woman, (I am bipan so I could have married a man I guess if I caught one) My wife is like I dont know four times stronger than me, very protective. I've always needed this because Im a bit dainty and weak.

We are both providers we just bring different things to the relationship.

I think often men are not loved enough and yes society is made this way and benefits from this. I've never seen a man that wasn't gorgeous if not outside then inside and if not inside then they ignite parental fuzzies in me and I just want to look after them. There has to be a cishet woman out there for you that feels the same way honey. Thats what I love about femboys we subvert these things but its not a political movement its an identity.

Men loving each other needs to happen on many levels, each individual man can start looking at how they care for their friends.

Sometimes young girls dont understand that relationships are a give and take in the emotional realm and they need to do their part in that give and take, if they are relationship with a man. They might want you to be a different person that doesn't need emotional care but you cant not betray yourself for a woman no woman is going to be worth that betrayal. Thats why men need to hug and cuddle their friends so that not all of the emotional need eggs are in the girlfriend-basket

You can't pour from an empty cup, sometimes even though we love someone with a mental health challenge we cant care for them or for ourselves and sometimes that means relationships come to an end and thats ok.

You need therapy honeybun. Please work through your pain and all these things you brought up but you can't do it alone. You need to be able to love yourself and to love your next partner and you can't do that untill you work out whats going on. If I could hold your hand and walk with you on your journey I would but you need a professional.

If you ever want to chat about anything I am happy to talk x

Title	Is love for men actually out there or am I destined to be giving more than I receive forever?
Author	throwra_047esh
Upvotes	60
Comments	50
Date	October 26, 2020 6:13 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/comments/jijt1g/is_love_for_men_actually_out_there_or_am_i/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/is-love-for-men-actually-out-there-or-am-i.1062606 https://theredarchive.com/post/1062606

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