I thought I married a HVM, but not 2 months in and red flags are starting to show.

pickmieshaexorcist · 2020-09-16T03:15:38+00:00

I can’t say what you should do, and the others ladies have given good advice, but I will give you this to think about: Only narcissists say (or do) horrible shit to you and then deny or “forget” it ever happened. I’m telling you, good, kind, loving people do not do this. Loving people may say it didn’t happen like that, or they didn’t mean it, but completely denying reality is a bad sign.

sewingmachinesavior · 2020-09-16T13:01:54+00:00

This is CLASSIC narcissistic behavior. Please read up on gaslighting. Denying your reality is a MASSIVE red flag.

Please don’t get pregnant. What do you think he’s going to say about your post baby body? From experience I can tell you it’s dreadful.

Also, I am so sorry. If you haven’t already read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, please do.

I also want to be VERY clear on something. Narcissists count on our desire to work through things and not give up on marriage due to our conditioning. I knew within the first month I’d made a HUGE mistake marrying my ex. But I got pregnant immediately. Had a bunch of kids and stayed for around a decade. I put up with all manner of abuse, but he never hit me. He destroyed my financial security, my emotional security, and even our housing security. Why am I telling you this?

Because once upon a time, I too felt shame, at the thought of bailing on marriage too soon. But there is NO SHAME in walking away from abuse. Ever. And I hear that shame in your “I don’t want to give up on a two month marriage”. Girl, save yourself and never ever look back, and not for one second feel shame for protecting yourself.

💖💖💖

AbundantOverflow · 2020-09-16T04:16:29+00:00

The denial would be my cue to head for the door. No man is perfect. They will sometimes say offensive shit. But denial and lack of remorse is a deal breaker. Think about the many more important major issues you will face as a couple over a long marriage. You want a man who is more concerned with your well-being and health and connecting with you than some nonsense about being out of the gym during a pandemic when the world is literally and figuratively on fire.

I am a proponent of not believing that crossing the threshold of marriage means tolerating bad behavior. If you were dating him, this would be unacceptable. Many men wait until marriage to drop their masks and be awful because they know the average woman won't want to give up her perceived fairytale in favor of her dignity.

If I were you, I would revisit the conversation and let him know this is unacceptable. Anything other than an *apology* from him would have me researching annulment rules in my state or calling a divorce attorney.

There are way too many stories of women saying they saw stuff like this in the first year but thought it would get better and now 5, 10, 15 years (and usually some kids, trauma, and financial entanglement) later, they wish they had gotten out at the first sign of trouble.

tallwomenneedlovetoo · 2020-09-16T13:55:51+00:00

I wish I could tell you that this is a fluke, but I can’t. He didn’t just say an “oopsie,” he ratified it, then performed the Narcissist’s Prayer

I understand not wanting to throw in the towel at 2 months, but take it from someone who spent years in family law: this is just the tip of the iceberg. Would you rather get out of the marriage quickly, efficiently, with few ties (assets, possessions, accounts) to one another and your dignity in tact OR wait 5 years, have maybe a couple of kids to be scarred by this narcissist’s behavior, a bunch of physical and financial entanglements, and also lowered self esteem due to his abuse to boot? At the very least, I can tell you that in 5 years time, the cost, the emotional effort, and the time necessary to achieve a divorce will skyrocket.

Fuck the sunken cost fallacy or saving face after the wedding. Your dignity and sanity are worth more than that, queen.

throwRAunsexy · 2020-09-16T02:40:53+00:00

I’ve been in a lot of sad relationships. I’m terrified of getting married and having something like this happen. I have promised myself that marriage or no marriage I will leave if someone treats me that way. I know this may happen to me one day and I have a plan to go to an Airbnb and leave if it does. It’s one of my biggest fears. I think if you want to work it out the only way possible is to accept what he said at face value. He isn’t attracted when you aren’t working out. So you would need to let him deal with his lack of attraction or workout for him 🙁. Explaining it isn’t going to make him feel differently. Even if you workout for him, he also might not be attracted in 20 years when you are older either or if you have breast cancer (lose hair and breasts). If you were to go back in time and learn that this would happen, would you still marry him? I’m really sorry 👑💕

naturopathicfantasti · 2020-09-16T05:35:48+00:00

Ok here you are, you’re in this shit situation. A marriage, that’s forever ideally. So think about that... FOREVER.

You’re not attractive enough to have sex with right now in his eyes. When you’re young and more than likely in great shape and very attractive.

Forgot all the glaringly obviously soul crushing red flags that you should let this relationship go for the present reasons. What about the future reasons?

Are you going to grow old with this man? Who can’t be sexually attracted to a completely normal “not old” woman? He’s noticed you haven’t been working out? And doesn’t want to have sex? Honey what does your future look like?

This negging to push you to shuck and jive into porn star attractiveness should not only scare you for now, but for your future.

You were duped, played, he’s got you “stuck” he thinks. Would you have rather waisted 2 months, 2 years, 10,20? This is the beginning of the killing of your soul. Get out.

AverageToHot · 2020-09-16T01:09:20+00:00

Shut down. Don’t show any affection. Treat him neutrally, like a roommate. He doesn’t deserve any positive or negative attention from you, so take it away. Focus your time and energy doing other activities and spend less time with him. If he asks you what’s wrong, say everything is fine, then later when he asks again, you can say that you’re disappointed with his behavior. If he doesn’t change after that or he blames it on you, keep being distant. Don’t stop being distant until he acts like how you want him to act. Deny him the pleasure of your company and affection until he shapes up. Also, don’t nag or complain – that’s still giving him attention. Just... don’t give a fuck.

randomgirl34861 · 2020-09-16T13:25:44+00:00

I don’t know what to tell you to do or not do.... but if this was my situation I’d leave him. Life happens. Sometimes you have less time to workout. Sometimes you may need to take medications that impact your metabolism. It’s possibly you’ll have children and your body will change permanently. You could be a victim of a crime or in an accident (God forbid).

I know that being with a man like that would keep me on edge and feeling like I was walking on egg shells constantly. Like many women, my weight has changed drastically throughout my life. It causes me immense stress and anxiety. I can’t imagine how bad it would feel to have a man magnify that stress and anxiety.

dntbfllikeidid · 2020-09-16T18:51:44+00:00

So, your man is only attracted to you if “you’ve been working out” or are in top shape? What happens if you get sick or when you get old and can’t meet his beauty and physical standards anymore? I’m sorry if I’m jumping to conclusions too quickly, but your husband is trash!

Hhjjuuy · 2020-09-17T12:06:48+00:00

If this had happened 2 months before your wedding would you have gone through with marrying him?

Figure out how long you are willing to put up with this. Write down what he needs to do and when to fix this. If he does do it in a reasonable timeframe (without prompting) draw a line in the sand and move on. See a lawyer now so you know what leaving him will look like.

Title	I thought I married a HVM, but not 2 months in and red flags are starting to show.
Author	throwRAunsexy
Upvotes	147
Comments	19
Date	September 15, 2020 8:12 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/itgnpi/i_thought_i_married_a_hvm_but_not_2_months_in_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/i-thought-i-married-a-hvm-but-not-2-months-in-and.1068462 https://theredarchive.com/post/1068462

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