this will be a little meandering but i promise i have a point.

i've been thinking a lot this past year about beauty. beauty in nature brings me a lot of joy and healing. whenever i'm feeling awful i go to the coast to hike. the waves hitting the cliffside (especially when it's wildflower season) is mesmerizing and healing for me ❤

and i find that feeling in people too. actually, one of my earliest memories of my life is noticing the boy next door to me because his skin basically glowed in the sunlight. i was enamored.

we're all human, so we all know the feeling. it's lovely to experience beauty.

so from an early age i started wanting to have beauty myself. i wanted it to be something that i could build and share with the world the way the world shared it with me. my (subconscious) logic was like this: i like seeing beautiful things, so i want to be one myself.

my mistake was one that most of us made. i observed what OTHER people seemed to find beautiful (instead of what i personally liked) and then worked to conform to it.

i spent most of my adult life in autopilot chasing the male gaze default of beauty that i saw represented everywhere around me. i'm white and thin, which put me ahead in line in the beauty standard "game". it was a corruptive feeling because it made me feel like i was "winning" (i wasn't). and i became addicted to the validation of it all.

as i got older i was aware that i had become (conventionally) beautiful and yet my "beauty" never gave me that magical feeling i was chasing (the genuine feeling of witnessing something truly mesmerizing and powerful) when looking at myself. and i didn't get that feeling when looking at other women who fit the beauty standard either. of course i could see that they were conventionally beautiful. they did it. they won the game. they fit the standard. but it didn't feel wonderful to experience. it felt...bad.

but beauty shouldn't make you feel bad while you're observing it!!! beauty is supposed to be a wonderful feeling when witnessed, whether it's in the mirror or within other people. but i would look at myself or these women and feel mostly negative emotion (insecurity, jealousy, or anxious apathy). at best i might feel accomplished or validated from time to time (the addicting part), but it was fleeting. i never felt overwhelmed with joy or healed the way raw beauty (like the coast) made me feel.

so a year or so ago i started examining that feeling and had the epiphany that clearly i don't agree with the male gaze or the patriarchal idea of western beauty. i find it boring. pedophilic. racist. nonsensical. so i started getting in touch with myself to find out what i actually find deeply, genuinely beautiful.

so i would see someone with a gorgeous smile while stopped at a red light and i'd pause to appreciate that seeing them smile gave me THAT feeling (witnessing beauty). i would notice that i actually really liked their eye crinkles. (meanwhile i spend so much time on skin care trying to prevent them because men like YOUTH afterall). or i'd notice that the woman who is ringing my groceries was wearing the perfect color for her skin tone. i'd pass by a group of young women lounging in hammocks together and find their aura so lovely.

moments like THAT felt like actual beauty. and it's so different from the "beauty" i had been chasing.

it made me realize that one of the biggest injustices of being in a patriarchal culture is that much of the ancient wisdom and knowledge from women of the past is gone or only exists in whispers. and one of those things that got lost is OUR (women) definition of beauty. think about it, do you REALLY feel inspired and in awe of the stereotypical Instagram model look? do you REALLY look at those women and feel wonder? do they REALLY make you feel the joy in life that beauty inspires? i really don't feel it. it's men's idea of "beauty", not mine.

and men's idea of "beauty" is fine. in small doses. but to be overwhelmed and overpowered by it has totally ruined it. now their tastes just seem disingenuous and boring to me. they say it's just biology. and maybe it is. that's fine. i have biological attraction to particular men too, so i get it. but doesn't that get old? it does to me. hip to waist ratios. signals of youth. signs of healthy child rearing. it's boring. it's uninspiring. it's not for me.

this was a complicated path for me to walk down because conforming to beauty standards has made my experience in the patriarchy easier than it could ever be for a conventionally unattractive woman. i'm not naïve. i know how undeserved my advantage was and how much it awarded me. when you are able to conform the ways i always did, you get the power of perceived competency and good character. you get validated by everyone. and people just ASSUME you're a good person because you fit the look. that's all you have to do. just fit the look. that power can be used to get ahead in life. life is easier if you're pretty. it's a short cut.

but a short cut to where exactly?

all it does it propel you further in line to live in a generic, capitalist patriarchal life. and worse, you attract people who prioritize that shit. so maybe you get the wealthy husband. but does he actually love you and see your unique deep beauty? or does he just love the 'you' that you crafted while under the spell of the male gaze? is the man viewing you through the male gaze really the ultimate "prize"? is that really where winning the game gets you?

at my most conventionally beautiful phases in life i attracted the WORST people. predators when i was a teenager. misogynists when i leaned in to the Instagram aesthetic, porn addicts when i dressed for the male gaze.

my biggest life hack toward meeting high value people has been to examine my relationship with beauty and do a complete overhaul. after my exercise of noting what i personally find beautiful in other people for a few months, i started to examine myself and i started to lean in to the things that make me unique. i changed my style to be more true to myself and my own tastes and comfort. i ditched the things that didn't inspire me and prioritized the things i found beautiful without external input.

cannot. recommend. this. enough.

the men and women that i started to attract (including my currernt bf, who has been nothing but wonderful for almost a year now) are high value people whove been liberated from the mainstream and have an appreciation for authenticity, warmth and uniqueness.

i know it's REALLY hard to break away from the beauty standard rat race. i know how validating it can feel. but i cannot recommend enough that you try examining it and breaking free.

every woman here, of all kinds of sizes and shapes and features, has a special and unique beauty. embrace what makes you unique, prioritize what YOU find beautiful, and i promise you will attract better men (and women) into your life. PROMISE.