Flirting tips + dating when not ready for marriage

lansburysoda · 2021-10-24T05:26:16+00:00

FDS is also about being the main character in your own life. It’s about fighting the pathological passivity women are taught to adopt when it comes to… everything, but especially relationships with men. Don’t ask him, “Where is this going?” Tell him where you are going. If he wants to join you, cool. If not, bye! Stop leaving everything up to the men to decide! You get to have a say in your relationships!

ello-motto · 2021-10-24T09:32:19+00:00

What are your dealbreakers in the hypothetical casual relationship arrangement that you desire to have? What would the ideal guy look like for this short-term scenario?

I would start there, then prepare a vetting strategy around it.

FDS vetting strategies are for marriage/long-term relationships. This is why we vet so hard about the no sex until 3 months rule, because we want to weed out to make sure the guy doesn't just want us for casual sex/relationship.

Since your end game is a casual/non-serious relationship, I feel like your vetting strategies would be different.

I just want to warn you though, my "casual relationship" ended up lasting 5+ years on and off because I got attached to my LVM ex. You say you'll leave in 6 months, but that's easier said than done once the sex bonding hormones set in and you get comfortable in the routine of being with that partner and start making excuses of how things will work out because you see the relationship in rose tinted glasses.

On top of that, each relationship has its own produced traumas and memory prints in your life. Like depending on the guy you date, you might even need a longer time to heal and process what happened before you're ready to date again, and that's another year or two.

Also don't underestimate how dating the wrong guy can make you lose track of your own goals for life. There's a lot of risks in casual dating, so make sure the guy isn't a bad influence on you and is doing better in life so it at least inspires you to stick to the financial goals you said you're working towards.

West_Zone · 2021-10-24T01:16:50+00:00

I have trouble understanding your view on relationships and marriage. What do you mean by a "super serious" relationship? If you meet a great HV guy, why not date him until you are ready for marriage? I feel like FDS is more suitable for serious long-term relationships as vetting takes a lot of time and energy. However, you could of course use the FDS strategies to find a HV man and enter a relationship with him, even though you aren't aiming for marriage. I don't see what the difference is between using FDS strategies when the end goal is marriage, and the end goal is a long term relationship.

shedipity · 2021-10-24T03:09:41+00:00

the guy should peruse you otherwise you have no idea what he’s in it for. you can tell straight away how a man feels about you by the way they approach you.

IAteTheDragon · 2021-10-24T11:02:45+00:00

Before I say anything, I need to add, I am NOT a FDS expert so my advice doesn't come from any FDS 'authority', we have highly flaired members here who can give you advice from the sheer heart of FDSness. I have been participating in this sub learning about myself, opening my eyes to traps and tricks men pull, to be aware of dangers in dating and rlships.

I have been celibate and not dating for over a year. I am also not planning to be married, like, ever. I have been having numerous thoughts, ideas and figurine what I really really want from a man. And I guess at first it was easier for me to figure what I don't want and don't need at all which is:

cohabiting❌soulmate,❌ getting too deep into his mind/learning abt his darker corners❌accepting his problems as my own

I want a good company, who can always behave and respect me, official, to share good moments with, go out on dates, do fun stuff, liking and respecting each other. And loads of pleasurable sensual sex, the kind that I like.

What I want COULD be called a more casual relationship, but in a different reality perhaps, cause when you as much as utter a word "casual", the scrotes take it as a green light to try and treat you like trash and drop all human decency. In this case I figured, ok if you're gonna be like that, I want a relationship. Cause I guess whatever benefits I want from a man(and what I am willing to give back), absolutely still require him to be involved, treat me perfectly and have integrity. If he wants to live together, marry me, spend every day ogether- well that's just too bad. I am thinking about myself first and foremost, so take it or leave it.

My conclusion is: even if you look mainly for light hearted company and lover, apply ALL THE RULES the same. It's your wellbeing at stake. Whatever you are willing to give, even if it's not much, still has a 'high price'. Don't let a half assed bumbler enter your life with his halff assed semi-efforts even if you want him as a lover, or buddy. He must treat you like a queen no matter what.

Ps:He wants the sex more than you can imagine so requiring him to be the impeccable gentleman and flawlessly behaved male specimen to you is a fair price anyway.

jjlew922 · 2021-10-24T02:58:59+00:00

Do what feels right and don’t be afraid to test the water again, but do it with intention. Pull back when overwhelmed or forge forward if you’re ready for more connection. You shouldn’t be considering a potential man for marriage for at least a year of consistent dating so saying you don’t want marriage or a serious relationship any time soon is par for the course. Just be intentional. Showing up and with an energy of exploration of free and fun is what you will attract. We all need a little fun sometimes, so no fault there!

I’ve gone thru times like that where I just want company, nothing serious, but waiting 3 mos for sex and cut off at 6 mos exemplifies the foundation of vetting to find the right life-long partner. And in the end, the more we spend time with another, the more we connect, and the more we connect the more there is such importance to reevaluate the emotional load.

Personally I wouldn’t suggest going into dating with a laisse faire attitude and this 100% because I’ve been there. It’s often in these instances that what I was really craving was attention and care, something I needed to embrace and learn to give to myself and to accept that showing up for fun would be exactly what I might get. Don’t get me wrong I had fun, but none of these men were worth it and I look back now to see it was a waste of time and energy I could have been building on myself, my work, my besties, my hobbies.

Dating is necessary to learn and grow, to find the right other while also exploring self. It can be exhausting but rewarding in the end. Flirting is fun and always heed to those moments where it is just that and you’re enjoying yourself! Just be thinking about intent and ultimately your goals. You may not want to be married tomorrow, but where does you see yourself in 2 or 5 or even 10 years? Focus on manifesting that for all to fall into place, including the right partner for you.

PorkNeckBone · 2021-10-24T16:01:23+00:00

You can still apply all the same FDS principles. Be intentional and clear about what you want and block and delete guys who aren’t on the same page. Also never underestimate how dating the wrong guy can change your life and be aware of the risks like pregnancy, stds (some aren’t on standard panels and can be spread even with condom use), violence from jealousy, etc. Also, don’t pursue men or date with no intention. You’ll likely end up in a situationship. A relationship is a relationship even if you call it “casual” and there’s nothing wrong with having shorter term more serious relationships. Calling it casual only signals a green light to scrotes looking to add you to their harem.

thewetdog_ · 2021-10-24T02:33:55+00:00

All of these things you mentioned are you approaching the guy and initiating, whether directly or indirectly. Even if indirectly, ya relationship that starts off with you initiating will be nothing but trouble.

My recommendation is to read the handbook and the top rated posts on the sub. A couple of times over.

You will see that FDS isn’t for when you’re ready for marriage, it’s not a man-catching strategy lol it’s for life. And it will be crucially so once you’re vulnerable within a marriage, as your fate will now be intertwined with someone else’s. So just absorb and learn.

FDS applies to celibate women, women that are dating, women that are married, women that just got dumped, women who never married. It’s the elevator pitch for a mindset that will change your life, because you will know yourself (including your weaknesses), the world (which is not a kind or fair place to women) and develop your boundaries, strength, and self reliance and self trust accordingly.

Since you tagged this as how to high value, my biggest tip will be to focus not on tips to draw a man’s attention, but to visualize what kind of man is by your side if you were living your dream life. Picture very detail. Once you’ve done that, check your life. If it doesn’t match the details then make it match. This way you will draw the right guy for you, but don’t date for the sake of dating, or just to get laid.

Date when you’re interested and ready to have a relatively serious relationship, appropriately serious for your age range.

But whatever you do don’t lift a finger to start a conversation with a man. Just be approachable - to the extent of not having your AirPods in when you are in the vicinity of eligible men. That’s it. That’s your contribution. That’s more than enough for a guy who wants to approach you, and trust me, if he wants to, he will.

When I was in my twenties a guy bought a dog to go the dog park to meet me (he ended up making a great dog dad and had his dog happily for years). According to him he thought “WHY NOT NOW? It’s a good time as any to get that dog”. He didn’t want to be a creep coming up to me with no dog.

If he wants to, he will. There’s nothing you can or should do to make a man do something: whether it’s small like getting to come talk to you, or big like making him propose. It works but it’s a recipe for disaster.

Study the handbook and internalize it.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-10-24T03:36:50+00:00

Not entirely sure what you are saying your goal is. I think you should always treat your standards as something serious, regardless of whether you feel like you need to level up parts of your life.

If you are not ready for something serious, it's dangerous to project that kind of energy because people might take you casually. It's totally fine to deprioritize dating and focus on other things.

As for flirting, if it's with a high value person honestly it doesn't matter much how you go about it. The only thing you have to do is respect yourself and them.

kinkardine · 2021-10-24T14:48:21+00:00

You made a brainstorming spinner post for me. Thank you! Saving it, would love to come back to again and again to read other’s thought as well on it.

I am in a transition state for relationship agenda for me, I know I do not want to cohabit/marry again, I thought of giving up dating altogether, was using negative experiences in FDS to keep myself away from hormonal FWB situation-ship. But an FDS podcast made sense to me- that dating kind of makes you more emotionally intelligent- it is like a muscle which we need to work on to get along with the society- also I did not only vet men after having FDS, I vetted all the relationships in my life including friends, families, neighbours. It is extremely important to know how the mindset works before we add any person or experience in life. Overall I got a lot of tools and structure that I can apply to be socially compatible without compromising my morale.

Every dating even with LVM kind of helped me to understand human psychology , I am an introvert and can only open up to one to one conversation- to be able to understand other half of population I found dating could be an excellent strategy. Each and every discussion discussion, the honestly and level of awareness here helps me a lot to be authentic with my actions.

aluriaphin · 2021-10-24T02:33:58+00:00

It sounds like you should use FWB parameters until you feel ready for commitment. In this instance I would still look for someone who treats you very well and you find attractive but you can perhaps be more flexible if they have some drawbacks like an overly involved mother, a stalled career, etc. Basically non-personality related things that might be dealbreakers in a potential fiance but don't affect a more casual sex friend relationship. It's still very important to keep your standards high, vet like crazy and be prepared to block and delete at any moment. Especially since men often don't care about their casual partners' pleasure I would vet extra hard for that and make sure he knows that if he's not putting the work in in the bedroom he will not get a second chance. I would probably mentally put an expiration date on any such liaison too, if you have sex with someone frequently one or both of you are basically guaranteed to catch feelings and that's a great way to end up emotionally invested in a relationship with someone who doesn't meet your standards. Better to keep it to a couple months and then go your separate ways.

Also you should have a good long think about what you will do if you become pregnant by one of these casual flings. To be totally frank I personally find it too high of a risk to have sex with someone if I wouldn't be okay co-parenting with them. If you're okay with abortion and can access it in your area then that's a game plan. Otherwise you will be linked to this person for the rest of your life and your child's life, so be sure you are mentally prepared for that. Also, NEVER tell a casual fuck that they got you pregnant and you're getting an abortion. He could go crazy, make your life a living hell, literally murder you - you have no idea what he'll do. He could be harassing you for years after the fact. Have a girlfriend support you and leave him in ignorant bliss for your own safety. It literally doesn't affect him at all and you have no obligation to tell him.

backforbeskar · 2021-10-24T03:40:50+00:00

if you just want sex your best bet is to not wait for 3 months. Just don’t have sex with the same man too many times, you can actively prevent an overload of attachment hormones in that way.

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