How do you get back on your feet after a divorce?

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-10-21T18:42:07+00:00

> She makes more money and hours than I do.

Then why do you think you'll be penniless? All marital assets and liabilities will be split down the middle -- you each get half. You won't be paying her alimony. In fact, if the income disparity is large enough then she'll be paying you.

Gattsama · 2021-10-22T01:28:51+00:00

I am in the same boat as you man. So here's where I am at. My wife and I have been together for 17years a d married for 12. We've had a lot of stressor in the relationship and been sex free for the past 2 years plus. A few days ago she told me I need to move out, so we are separating but I think a final spilt is unavoidable. I'm fortunate enough to have a best friend that's like a brother I can stay at for now, and then will need to figure out the finances for me to rent a place more long term. I make all the money (she's a house wife, we have no kids).

So this was a long time coming but I'm still not right in the head about it. But here's my game plan so far.

1) get some space! We have no kids but 2 dogs and 8 cats :) A 3000+ sqft home, 100% combined everything. I opened my own checking account, set up transfers between our joint and mine, and am looking into get all our services seperated: cell, insurance, massage, spa, gym, etc. I want to really feel what being on my own again is and if we never work it out (which is most likely) be stable.

2) save money. You need your own resources. As I said I work and she's a house wife. But she takes care of all he bills and planning. I'm technically on a stipend :)

3) Make a promise not to discuss reconciliation until after a set date. She's already talking about / trying to negotiate with me about stuff. I am NOT mentally good enough to make decisions at this time. So I decided no major discussions about anything until December.

4) connect to friends, family and support. Lean on everyone and anyone that you can trust. Do not try to weather the storm alone, that's how guys get f&cked up and do crazy stuff. Remember divorce is a leading cause of suicide among men. No matter how crappy you feel connect with people. You are NOT a burden. Think if the roles were reversed, how would you feel if your friend called you in their time of need. With that, lean strongly into your hobbies and interest. And start working out! I can not stress one enough, if you can't do the gym then do calisthenics at home. Get on a regular routine that you do NO MATTER WHAT. Do not aim for the moon here. Just like 20 push ups, 20 Squats and walking 1mi. Doesn't matter, you need to expend the energy and do something with discipline.

Mind you I'm at the start of this process too, so maybe I'm total off here lol 😆 But that's what I'm doing for now. I'm not scared or fearful, but anxious 😬 I keep noticed tbT my heart is fluttering, I can't sleep and I'm keep having this feeling of something bad is coming for me. Like being in a horror movie and walking through the house, there's something out there. Or maybe nothing is there. But every step you take, every corner you look around, it's like this feeling something is hunting you and you can't see it. And not even sure it's there. And you question your sanity for even worrying about it.

But man, divorce is so common now that we can look to those that came before for guidance, they made it through and out the other side. And so will we.

Stay strong and stay safe

BlackFire68 · 2021-10-21T22:05:39+00:00

All you have to do is straighten your back from the bent forward position (because you got effed in the A).

Go wherever housing is cheap and jobs are plentiful man. The world is your oyster. Get some 💶 in the bank.

Grousers · 2021-10-21T23:29:04+00:00

I ran. 3 years later in killer shape and still running. 200% tougher

TotalEngineer7 · 2021-10-21T17:49:43+00:00

I know a lot of guys who ended up renting a room for a few months post-divorce just to get back on their feet- both financially and emotionally. It's transition period, but it does end. Hold Fast, brother. I'm 16 months out from mine- that first year is a lot of self discovery. You can do this.

ctgjerts · 2021-10-22T03:46:11+00:00

Why move back to CA if none of your family have room for you? If you're not earning decent $$ then apply to and go to a trade school. Learn a new trade and then decide where you want to live. She makes more than you, find out if you're due any spousal support, could make a difference.

Right now there's massive demand for skilled tradesmen in just about every field. I can't think of a better time to transition than going through a divorce in an area that's not your stomping grounds.

Gxl4 · 2021-10-21T19:07:02+00:00

Lawyer the fuck up, or you might find yourself running into some ‘surprises’ along the way.

Its good that you both agreed on this, but i would still lawyer the fuck up. No way im going to court against a wumeng without a lawyer in the soy-ciety we live in.

You will split the stuff in half as far as im aware (ask the lawyer for the current laws and how to proceed) and maybe its a good idea to stick out there and find a remote-job back home so you can get started again, the bittersweet thing of Covid is that a lot of companies are going remote (in IT) so you might want to take advantage of that just for the start.

All the best mate, keep your head up. Things will be good. Men age like wine, women like milk.

plato961 · 2021-10-22T02:36:48+00:00

One day at a time... Temper your expectations in regards to recovery and getting back on your feet. Brother if you're verticle at the beginning of the day.. It's a blessing.

Mugz5603 · 2021-10-22T13:52:42+00:00

So she was the breadwinner? What do you mean you have no money? I see why you’re getting divorced! Get your shxt together! This is happening for a reason

Snowbirdy · 2021-10-24T08:02:40+00:00

Definitely given that she makes more than you, you may be able to get spousal support.

You really want to rethink this idea of moving to California given the family can’t take you in. You’ve got some very good advice on this thread about picking up a new trade particularly in this labor market. Airbnb and Homeaway likewise - you don’t need a credit check or to put down a deposit, you just need a credit card. Get a studio or similar small footprint place.

When I got divorced I moved in with my sister, I was lucky that she had space for me but I knew literally no one else in Boston. All of my friends were in New York. However because I quit one career in order to try and get a new one that I would be happy with, I was technically and legally unemployed in the eyes of the state, which meant I qualified for public assistance for mental health treatment. Some states are good about this. Getting counseling and therapy was incredibly helpful to get back on my feet and after six months I got a well-paying job doing something that I enjoyed much more. (I say technically and legally because I had consulting business work that had erratic income, so right about when I started the new job I got a big project that essentially gave me a bit of income. But there were six months there where I made nothing and that qualified me for public assistance)

Good luck brother!

cguinosta · 2021-10-21T20:14:28+00:00

Thank you all. I'm hoping for the best.

SwamiSweatSocks · 2021-10-22T03:17:41+00:00

You're picking a bad time to move back to California. Rent is incredibly high right now.

InWeGoNow · 2021-10-22T12:55:56+00:00

I'm 18 months out and don't have this figured out. We have one child together. I'm similarly in a state with no other family. Here are some thoughts you can bounce around. 1. Exercise. I'm just now starting to run and it's really helping my mental (and physical) health. I blew this off for a while, but wow does jogging (which I hate and it hurts) make a difference. 2. Get an apartment that has a good energy around it. I did this first before buying a home and it helped to feel surrounded by people and activities even when I was alone. I've since bought a home on a quiet street and I find myself feeling alone a lot more often without the activity around me. The apartment had a pool with a lot of girls and that helped too. 3. Save money so it isn't a stress. I made less money than my ex and had to start saving very early prior to the separation to have enough after separation. I spend on very little now. I don't have nice things, but I also don't need much. (my daughter has the nice things. :) ) 4. Volunteer often. I've found that when I'm at my lowest, it feels good to create balance in the world by at least making others happy. 5. Like you, I'm also without local family and friends (when daugther is away). I haven't figured out how to meet people now that I'm older. Thinking of taking some rock climbing lessons or walking at the park in the mornings. Parks in the morning seem to be the single person support group. Hoping volunteering also leads to meeting folks. Let me know when you figure this one out.

Electronic_Sun2314 · 2021-10-23T14:41:09+00:00

You can get an Airbnb, I have gotten on month to month before. Fully furnished, it takes the pressure off.

Title	How do you get back on your feet after a divorce?
Author	cguinosta
Upvotes	17
Comments	32
Date	October 21, 2021 5:44 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/qcx8g0/how_do_you_get_back_on_your_feet_after_a_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-you-get-back-on-your-feet-after-a-divorce.1082616 https://theredarchive.com/post/1082616

Comments