My ex is a narcissist. And the worst kind. The covert. So any attempt to show depth on her part is selfish and is to lure you into conversation for her to use against you later.

 

Narcissist are the most evil vile snakes you'll run across. Some bite you and you see it coming....BUT....the covert is deceptive and will play the victim far better than overt. It takes 15+ years sometimes to wake up to the death of 1000 cuts.

 

One of the best things I did looking back......was just say "okay" when she said she filed for divorce. It was a shot straight away to her chest. She didn't see it coming.

I was able to figure this out because I'm re-watching The Sopranos. Tony is an overt narcissist. He doesn't have the ability to love or show empathy or kindness. While it appears that he does......you can see that it's all motivated for HIM. Not the other people in his life.

 

Someone made a comment in the Sorpanos subreddit about Tony Soprano......that he was more hurt that he didn't get what he wanted more so than what he lost.

WOW this hit me and confirmed what I said before.

Long story short.....I was tired of being belittled by my wife. Who not only would disrespect me and slight me all the time......she didn't have a leg to stand on after cheating on me. She continued to have these behaviors. All the while we just welcomed my new born son while trying to reconcile the marriage. (Don't worry....we tested he's 99.9% mine :) )

It was like a light switch flipped for me. I would no longer be treated this way by her. She always disrespected me and and second guessed me but now in front of my new son.....I just knew I had to take a stand. Here's what I mean

It led me down a road of studying narcissists and empaths and relationships and how all that works. Every bit of the way, everything was confirmed. I WAS NOT CRAZY after all. When dealing with a narcissist......they gaslight and trickle truth you all the time.....they do make you feel crazy. It's sick and demented.

 

Things came to a head and I basically wouldn't talk to her and her victim ways and acting like a child. So much so I wouldn't sleep in the same bed. Anytime we'd try to talk.....she'd want to tell me how I was wrong. NOT HER......this is typical when dealing with a narcissist. And an easy way to get through it....is to point the light back to them. They hate it. And this went on for a few months despite her childish ways. I really felt like I was dealing with an eight year old. It was sad and pathetic.

After a few months of this.....she came to me......told me she filed for divorce. To which I responded "okay".....followed by "is this what you've always wanted?"

Her response was "no".

I didn't even bother trying to figure out her confusion. I just said "okay".

 

Now fellas..........I won't lie....on the inside I was dying. It absolutely crushed me. She not only cheated on me....but now she'd filing for divorce with no leg to stand on? She'd rather do this than take any ownership and try to make things right? Maybe change. Nope....she's forever the victim. She cheated because she didn't "feel loved". Her cheating was my fault not hers. Pretty pathetic that she'd rather divorce than try to make it work.....for our child's sake. They are that shallow and selfish. God forbid she have to put in any work to make things right.

I knew it was over......I also knew that in order to be a good example for my son I couldn't settle for her belittling me and disrespecting me. It's amazing that what I couldn't do for myself prior....I could for my son. I wasn't going to allow him to see me miserable on the inside but smiling on the outside. My son is me x100......so I knew I couldn't tell him not to settle and then let him see me settling.

 

Anyway, for the next 12-16 hours after she told me she filed for divorce......she cried in her room. So much so that she was completely disfigured the next morning. I hardly recognized her. In her mind she thought I was going to change my position once she told me she filed for divorce. And when I just said "okay" she didn't see it coming.

So her crying......and being upset wasn't because we were getting divorce and what she was about to lose. It was fully because she didn't get the outcome she thought she was going to.

At the time I truly thought she was crying because she lost the marriage. Nope. (Mind you I was still learning about narcissism at the time.)

It was a real kick to the balls when I pieced this together recently......because I thought she cried like that because she cared for us. NOPE.....she only cared for herself. And she fucked it up.

 

The sad thing about narcissists is that they don't understand empathy, kindness, courtesy, thoughtfulness in the context of anyone BUT THEMSELVES.......all narcissist cannot love. They imitate these traits...mimic them if you will.

 

Anway, just wanted to share personal reflection from watching The Sorpanos.

My hope is that maybe some of my story will ring true for someone here.

 

Hang in there fellas......Six months removed now.....and I'm getting better and better each day. I really like myself and am improving on all fronts. Six Month Update Here

 

All the best! Cheers!