Every time I show emotion my wife freaks out

sgt_oddball_17 · 2021-12-24T05:54:27+00:00

When you argue with your wife remember what Bill Burr says:

When they are wrong, they go rogue. When that happens, realize you've won. Take a knee and run out the clock.

LettuceBeGrateful · 2021-12-24T09:13:55+00:00

I had a gf who would dig up the most random irrelevant shit whenever I tried to express myself. It's a bind, because if you flat out ignore it, she'll say you're dismissing or invalidating her feelings, and if you entertain it, she's successfully wrestled the conversation away from you.

When my ex did that, I'd just call it out as plainly as I could. "Look, if something is bothering you, then we can dedicate a later conversation to it. But this is not that conversation. Anyway..."

Relationships get really unhealthy when everything is framed as a battle, but in this case, it's important that you don't let her "win" because she's eroding who you are. Also ngl, from this post she sounds like she doesn't respect you at all.

drunkbeaver · 2021-12-24T12:10:08+00:00

Coming from a 25y.o. guy, that got divorced* at 24. (lol)

You said it yourself... You want someone on your side, not someone against you. That is partnership. Trust me when I tell you this - you do not want a partner, that isn't there for you. You can and should get a divorce while it's early. It might be scary to be alone, but it's way worse to be with someone that makes you more miserable.

Sit down with your wife and talk, but explaining her that you wish to have a serious talk, without any arguments - just talk and see where you are going and what you want in life. You are grown ups. Tell her that you need and want a relationship where both parties are there for eachother, etc. When speaking about what you need/want, do Not bring the past, like - "I'm not happy that you are never there for me", instead say it like "I want you to be there for me". One shows what you need, the other tells the other party what they are doing wrong. One asks for support, the other one comes as an attack.

When you have a good conversation about it, like grown-ups and it still doesn't work - then it wasn't meant to be.

*P.S. Didn't technically got divorced, but I was engaged for 1+ year, had to postpone the wedding due to covid and we set up a new date. I canceled the wedding, 2 months before the final date.

Trizkit · 2021-12-24T08:11:26+00:00

Yeah unfortunately I think that showing emotions as a man can be startling to some people. I think to some extent we are expected to be 100% stoic 100% of the time. However, funny thing is that we are still fucking human beings and we have thoughts and feelings as well.

I've had similar types of problems at times where my gf will think I am "angry" when really I might just be annoyed. My suggestion would be to really understand and define those emotions. For instance, there's a difference between rage, anger, "being mad" and being annoyed. Understand those differences and be clear in your communication that you are annoyed, or be clear that you are angry. Communication goes a long way and its a two way road.

I think it might also be good if you can to try and make time for shit outside of the house. Or at least give yourselves a break from constantly being around family members.

This might sound like some dumb ass sigma male bullshit (which I'm not into) but it really comes down to the old saying of "know thy enemy as you know thyself". However, first you need to truly know yourself so dig deep and figure out how you can properly articulate how you feel, I think it will go a long way. (BTW not saying they are your enemy here I just think that the statement can be applicable in a lot of areas of life)

Dantalian1506 · 2021-12-24T16:07:45+00:00

unwife her

auMatech · 2021-12-24T09:15:42+00:00

Sounds like you are in a manipulative, toxic relationship. I'm not saying you should bail, but consider getting professional help via couple's counselling if you can afford it... If you can't, you're 24.. Ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who invalidates how you feel, dredges up all your past 'failings' in order to hold power over you.

GigaShagger · 2021-12-24T11:04:10+00:00

Shit like this makes me so happy to be single. I'm sorry man. I wish I had some decent advice but I'm way too young to give any advice to do with marriage..

Rifter0876 · 2021-12-24T14:59:52+00:00

She's abusive, id leave.

MrDirk420 · 2021-12-24T13:53:28+00:00

Run now! She is only going to get worse with you. She is abusive now & a con artist. Talked you into helping her get a car? Run. Get out now! It’s NOT going to get better.

daniellederek · 2021-12-24T11:35:58+00:00

You are 24, with assumingly little assets. Pull the pin now and get divorced. You already have accomplished task 1, getting her back to habitating with family.

In the meantime look up a little cursory book called bpd for dummies. It will give a few coping mechanisms to ease the escape.

In her mind you have failed as a man and husband. You are not a provider. Dump the ball and chain, get a trade and start making something of yourself.

officerfriendlyrick7 · 2021-12-24T13:35:15+00:00

She will ditch you as soon as you show vulnerability, if you have emotions you are considered as a weak man according to women, they are actually aroused by “toxic masculinity” rather than a nice guy who is sensitive. Don’t listen to what they say, observe what they do.

bootstr8 · 2021-12-24T14:03:27+00:00

Doesn't sound like she loves you mate. If a woman told me she could have left me because I lost a job I'd quit her.

obesetial · 2021-12-24T17:28:13+00:00

My dude,

You have a multilayered problem.

First, ranting on reddit is not therapy. You guys got married young and that has it's advantages and disadvantage. Your relationship is toxic but you are both learning, you just need to learn the right habits. You guys need to change the way you talk and you can't do that without family counseling. If you both want it to work, u will make it work, just don't let this pattern become your life.

Second, you have to stand up for your family. Don't let anyone talk about your family that way. Criticism is helpful, shit talking is disrespectful. I look at it like this: your wife is your family now so if your wife sees you can't stand up for your mother how can she expect you to stand up for her. You either stand up for your family (mother AND wife) or you don't.

Third, money is a problem multiplier but not the problem itself. It multiplies stress, inconveniences become problems, and disrespect becomes more frequent and public. You need to get a job and bring in some money, no doubt. Selling drugs may bring you money but it makes your life unstable and more dangerous. I don't know where you live but in most places you can afford your own place if you are working full time. If you can't afford it, move. You are young and capable, go find your place in the world. However, your wife can't tell you she will leave you if you lose your job. Is she your teammate or your employee?!

By the way a car is an expense that you need to make sure is worth it.

A word about families. Your family is your team, her family is hers. Living with either one creates an imbalance that make one side feels like the outsider and makes the other side feel like they don't need their spouse. To make a new family you need to get some distance from the old ones.

TLDR: make moves that will make your your family more stable (apartment, job, stand up for every single member of your family, demand respect, give respect).

Good luck!!!

2021-12-24T20:32:38+00:00

Divorce

dontpet · 2021-12-25T02:02:10+00:00

Sounds like a challenging living situation for you both. You guys might get on fine together if you didn't have so much pressure. Either of you might be more of the problem.

I don't see this as much of a gender issue. When people complain about men not sharing their feelings more it is mostly motivated by blaming men for higher suicide rates.

You might want to read one of the books about fighting fair. Non violent communication is ok for beginners. Videos on YouTube. Learning conflict engagement skills has really improved my life so I encourage it in others.

Extension_Target_821 · 2021-12-25T02:52:34+00:00

It’s clear she doesn’t respect you. I think she’s just using you to get that car so she’d have an easier time leaving.

Mista_Brudda · 2021-12-25T05:32:22+00:00

Idk about you, nut if my gf/wife hate my mother I would drop her in a second! Taking out the trash!

Interesting-Eye-5464 · 2021-12-24T07:51:59+00:00

You’ve lost frame. Get out now or learn how to reestablish it.

Reddit1984Censorship · 2021-12-24T17:16:13+00:00

Im never getting married.

YelterSkelter · 2021-12-24T11:23:41+00:00

Dump your “wife” if you can even call this disgusting being that, honestly I think your parents would support you and help you back on your feet, stay strong

lavalord238 · 2021-12-24T14:05:35+00:00

Genuinely curious. What the heck were you thinking marrying a women you can’t even express your feelings to? Why would you do this to yourself ..?

Slow-Brush · 2021-12-24T14:25:12+00:00

And even if they are in the wrongs, the victim card really get noticable and left you like you are the bad person. Most women think it's a privilege from them to treat the opposite sex like shit, even in spousal relationships.

Chris9183 · 2021-12-24T15:02:47+00:00

She is toxic. I've dealt with this before. I know it's emotionally extremely hard, but I'd separate from her. Seriously.

Mrky859 · 2021-12-24T15:06:11+00:00

Divorce and run for the hills

Whatdoin27 · 2021-12-24T15:25:18+00:00

You need to put your foot down and check your bitch dude. Flat out.

I'm not even trying to be an asshole here at all. I'm saying that you need to grow some balls and not take that shit. You're a guy man. Don't take shit from ANYONE who disrespects you like that.

Shit like that is why I'll never be married. Can't trust females these days anyways because they're always on some bullshit.

Dude you're way too young to be married anyways. That shit is a contract that enables her to take probably all your shit when she plays the "I'm not happy" card.

Once again, not being an asshole. I'm simply looking out for you.

2wicky · 2021-12-24T15:31:32+00:00

She resents you. And the reason she resents you is likely that you cannot provide a home for her.
Even in the best of times, you should likely not be expressing any vulnerability towards your wife.
Sounds like you've hit the worst of times where you definitely can't afford to show any sign of vulnerability. The only thing she wants to hear from you is how you are getting the two of you out of this mess. Anything else coming out of you is going to be met with lots of anger on her part. From her point of view, she likely sees you as failing to provide for her even if your concerns are legitimate.

If I were in your shoes, I would put my head down, work hard and save as much money as I can to get our own place. The only thing I would be talking to with my wife is what we've accomplished so far, and what we still need to accomplish to reach the goal of getting our own place.
As for your frustrations, therapy for yourself would be the best option, but you likely can't afford that right now. So you may need to find a different avenue as long as it's not your wife. I'm guessing that was the point of your post here so that's a good start.

Others here have mentioned couples therapy, but I think it's a waste of time if your wife believes you are to blame for everything. She'll just try to get the therapist to confirm that you are to blame for everything.
Your relationship may currently be toxic, but that doesn't automatically mean your wife is toxic. It could just be the situation you are in right now where the both of you are under a lot of stress. If you do end up doing everything right and you are making progress towards your goals, but she is still acting resentful, then it's possible that you are in which case it might be a good idea to leave her.

JayMeadows · 2021-12-24T16:43:41+00:00

OK. So, I didn't bother reading all of this the moment you mentioned she lashes out at you and hates your mother.

Dude, I was in that same relationship and I finally got out after 10 years of that shit.

Prepare a lawyer and get the fuck out of there.

awsdlefthandbutton · 2021-12-24T17:01:12+00:00

One thing if you need to bail. You mention dealing, make sure any record of any conversation about that with her is gone.

You do not need the 'i will tell the cops...' hanging over your head.

Dandelion-Fire · 2021-12-24T17:06:34+00:00

Counselling might go a long ways.

ooh_gangstalk_me · 2021-12-24T17:39:50+00:00

What do you mean shower in view of everybody..that's not a normal expectation at all

bwbright · 2021-12-24T17:52:27+00:00

The trick is to poke fun at her when she does that I'm a way that's noninsulting. If you make her genuinely laugh and feel silly about how she's acting, you've passed the test.

Reality_Auditor · 2021-12-24T20:17:04+00:00

Get out of there. She won't get any better. Worse yet you're now on her home turf and she has her parents to back her up. Don't wait until she has you so broken down you become a shadow of yourself.

VeteranOfDepression · 2021-12-24T21:15:47+00:00

How'd you get into this situation in the first place? You planned on marrying this lady?

Title	Every time I show emotion my wife freaks out
Author	NeonCowboy777
Upvotes	248
Comments	63
Date	December 24, 2021 5:51 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/rnffty/every_time_i_show_emotion_my_wife_freaks_out/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/every-time-i-show-emotion-my-wife-freaks-out.1090901 https://theredarchive.com/post/1090901

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