Post Quote: "What-eva, I do what I want" - Eric Cartman

Problem: The sex is bad

Solution: Be like Eric and do what you want!

Intro: Too many people on the internets and IRL complaining about bad sex. Tell you a story about me and my ex wife. We were kids when we got married, and not very experienced. Most of my "experience" was from watching porn on VHS at friends' houses. Yes, I'm that old.

Our sex was pretty good - I was always into good sex. But one day I was super horny and wanted porno-style sex, and she was just going through the motions. So I overcame my reluctance to be rejected and told her, "Straddle me". She straddled me. I said, "arch your back and stick your tits in my face." She arched her back and stuck her tits in my face. "Let your head fall back and moan like a whore" resulted in her rolling her head around moaning like a whore.

It was a revelation. Say what I want, get what I want.

Starfish and Coffee

"But Do-not-read-this, she's a starfish in bed!"

Yes, and are you in the room too? Re-read the title.

She'll make your coffee how you -tell her - you want it, but gives you starfish in bed? Are you telling her or *showing* her what you want? "Cream and two sugars". "Call me Daddy and scratch my back."

It's all the same, just a different approach.

I teach yoga so I'm *very* used to telling people how to move their bodies, and sometimes physically showing them through touch. It's not something that is natural to most of us, nor is it comfortable. It took me a while to be easy with it. There's a language we use in yoga, a cadence, a way of speaking. It's a rare occasion when someone says "no" to me in a yoga class. I'm in charge, I know what I'm doing and I'm good at it, we establish that at the beginning. They listen and do.

You can practice outside the bedroom with simple things - don't get carried away! - like if you're both walking through a doorway, just say "you go first". You're telling her, ever so subtly, what to do. Establish authority early on in the relationship.

The other night I was out at a bar, chatting up some younger model, a nice Jewish girl visiting from out of town, big hooties. Probably 30 years younger than me. She was two chairs over and we were having trouble hearing over the music. Old Do-Not-Read-This would have scooted over a chair to be polite. Instead I pulled out the middle chair, patted the seat and said, "Move over here so I can hear you". I'll be darned if she didn't actually *smile* when I did that.

(got digits, didn't bang - it was Christmas week and I was too busy so I let it drop)

Play it like "Simon Says"

Likewise, in sex you have to get comfortable telling and showing your woman what you want. Learn the language to be used in bed (I prefer straightforward directions). You're the man, you should be leading her to satisfy your needs. "Simon Says".

"Get on your hands and knees. Reach your arms out in front of you. Arch your back and stick your ass up in the air." It really is that simple. Give her a spank, tell her "Good girl!" and stick your hot curly weenie inside of her to claim your reward for being a manly man.

Show and Tell

The other part of the equation is to show her. That is, physically move her into position. I'm a couch fucker and a stand up fucker. Those give me the most enjoyment (couches have great angles if you know how to use them). To Move from one to the other, I'll grab the woman's hair tight, tell her "get up" while I lift her up, then drag her by the hair into the bathroom where we can fuck standing up. I'll physically put her hands on the vanity counter, grab some more hair and lift her head and tell her to look at herself in the mirror.

So far, 100% success doing this. Women want to be led, and treated like feral animals.

"She did [x, y, z] for Chadley but won't do it for me"

Are you asking her or telling her what you want? "Will you please let me maybe please have you know maybe if it's okay have anal please you did it for Chadley why won't you do it for me" that's what a whiny bitch you sound like. Go back and re-read all of the above.

Now what?

If you're new to leading in sex, start small. I would not recommend the couch-to-mirror move for anyone new at the game. Say something simple (and non-vulgar) like if you're in missionary, "give me your hands" then grab her wrists over her head. "Roll on your side" or "Get on your knees". Easy peasy.

Gauge results, calibrate, proceed.

And do what you want to get what you want.