Anyone else feel the same way sometimes?

Rainey_outside · 2022-01-04T19:51:50+00:00

YES YES 1000000X YES
humans are not solitary by nature! Isolation and lack of physical touch/intimacy really can wear a person down. You are absolutely not alone. I just try and think of the pain and consequences of getting those things from a giant looser. Or dating someone and stilllll not getting those basic needs met. You can do it. You are doing it. Be strong. Thats all we can do.

cute_fluffy_alpaca · 2022-01-04T19:29:22+00:00

As someone who has been single for a long, long time, I totally get what you mean.

It's totally normal to feel like this from time to time. As you mentioned, we're only human after all.

What helps me personally in dealing with these pangs is to just let the feeling be there for a bit when it arises, and then after 5-10 minutes say 'this is enough' and move on to something else. You could even end it by thinking about a downside of being in a relationship to put it all in perspective.

saragc92 · 2022-01-04T20:14:38+00:00

This touched my soul, yes, with someone who genuinely loves you for you….

I long for it, however, LVMs will use this against us.

I rather be a cold person than to let another LVM take advantage of something soo natural.

JadeBaby2211 · 2022-01-04T18:56:16+00:00

I'm opening up to the idea that it's ok to have pangs that I nor others can fulfill. I figure it's better to hold space for it than to deny it and try and fill the void with wrong things. I also find a weird sense of hope that maybe in a few centuries when men hopefully evolve, I can reincarnate and then fall in love lol. VERY future oriented on my dreams!

sexualfoodpantry · 2022-01-04T19:01:21+00:00

It's totally normal to have pangs.

The trouble usually begins when we start wondering if we should lower our standards:

Is it ok to date Mr. Right Now, if I know he's only Mr. Right Now? I'm just looking for companionship, I don't want to marry him or anything.

This is a particularly common question, especially by women who've been there done that.

I got my answer to this indirectly. This one older woman I know finally got together with a high value man. After several years of happiness she became terminally ill. Now he's there for her as only a HVM could.

It's very doubtful she would have found this diamond of man, if she had been busy dating a Mr. Right Now at the time.

FluffandRainclouds · 2022-01-05T01:35:09+00:00

Just think of how many of the options might not shower or might have a smell/pheromones that turn you off. 😆

The times I have tried forcing romantic attraction to men I was not attracted to (and engaging in lovey-dovey things like kissing) I derived minimal to no pleasure, or had literal body pain from the stress. I was promised by "friends," media, etc it would get better and the attraction would "grow," lest I was just after "immature" and "shallow" love for a "pretty boy." My muscles would literally tense to tell me "no" with these guys, and my Pickme self thought I was being a huge b_tch for feeling that way. Self gaslighting at its finest.

It's only going to be worth it if it is someone special, who smells nice, respects you, makes you mad with sexual attraction, and makes you feel safe.

bog_nymph · 2022-01-04T20:40:30+00:00

Yes! As others have said it’s totally okay to feel that way, you’re HUMAN. For me personally, I have spent the last year learning how to just feel lonely when I have any lonely moments instead of acting upon them out of desperation. The way I see it, being able to not only identify but to manage those feelings are a part of my level up.

My ex abused me and everything else in the world because he is incapable of doing that. The women I have cut off after years of “friendship” can’t do that. My own mom can’t do that. When I was younger I would drink and drink and actively engage in crazy pick me bpd behavior, especially many years ago after getting dumped by my first love, an LVM(he was not abusive though)

Raising my standards after dating my violent, animal abusing, no value nex in addition to being able to retrospectively realize that none of the crazy will ever make them love me or respect me, and will only make me invisible to HVMs is why Mr. Right Now isn’t an option.

Focusing on myself, despite the very real and painful loneliness and resentment I sometimes experience, has already done wonders for me. I was so afraid of putting myself back out there mainly because I was terrified that unless the next man who pursues me is another narcissist, HVM won’t be interested in me because of who I am, because I attracted and chose such losers. I understand now that it’s the other way around. They came after me because of who I am, and that was WHY they faked my interests in the beginning and now they despise me for still having my personality that they can’t leech from anymore BECAUSE THEY LEFT ME.

Long story short, 2 months ago I was pursued by a man who is only a year older than I am(27), and is a research doctor at John’s Hopkins. He had tried to match with me in the fall but I was too busy for dating and then became extremely suspicious when he tried to again. My brain was telling me “I t’s another narcissist, he wants you to worship him because he has a phd, you have nothing in common, you’re a working artist, if anything he wants to have an elon/grimes moment and have a cool girl for supply.”

In fact it was in one of my weak moments that I matched back just to see if I was right. No, I was wrong. He messaged me first, asked me questions but would give the appropriate amount of information in return, to the point where I found myself not over sharing and asking him just as many questions. He suggested video chat instead of just asking for my number to move off of the dating app. He said he wanted to get to know me better and he’s been proving it by not lovebombing me or expecting me to feel inferior to him because of his career. I’m secure in and very proud of my work and he finds that attractive because he clearly also wants someone to recognize that in him, not just oh he’s a dr, score! We message frequently enough that I still feel like I’m being chased but it’s not constant and he’s not put any pressure on going on a date because of covid and because I told him up front he has to take me out if we ever meet in person. We both talked about our goals and even though it’s early, neither of us need a right now, but we want a partner and we both want kids. It’s easy to talk to someone when they’re not future faking because they’re a reasonable adult with manageable expectations of themselves and other people.

There was only one time I felt my brain telling me something was off and that was a couple days after Xmas and I knew he was traveling to visit family but hadn’t messaged me in the like two days since he landed, and I told myself “wow he’s probably sex touristing right now/bored/ignoring or testing me for not messaging first” so I messaged him first and said hope you’re doing well. Turns out he was visiting childhood best friends and went seal watching and had late Xmas festivities with his friends and family there. He sent me pics of the seals and of him and his friends on the beach. That’s a green flag to me, someone who values their time with their family and puts the phone down shows me he isn’t lying about being family oriented.

With the way both of us work, and our similar expectations and goals, we don’t have time for a person right now. Which is another green flag to me. I am obviously extremely hesitant to just let my guard down completely and overlook things that are now strict boundaries but so far he’s respected every one of them and I know we drill it into our skulls but this time I think I’m actually aware of it in practice. If he wanted to, he would, and he said he did, and has shown so far that he’s does. I know just messaging and calling isn’t the same as meeting in person yet but again we both work constantly and spent the holidays with family so I said wait until after the holidays, that was a month ago, and he is still being patient and communicating with me like a man who wants to, would. He flew in the snowstorm yesterday and on each flight he would message me when he was leaving, and I only had to say it once, let me know you get there okay out of just general concern for anyone I know who’s traveling, and that was when he left a last week and every time he’s been like okay I’m leaving and okay I got here going to my dads or whatever. I know these are bare minimum things but to me they don’t show me bare minimum they show me someone who behaves in the way that I would expect a man who wants to marry me one day would act when we are married. So even if I don’t end up with him, he won’t ever be a mr right now and if he does take off a mask and that’s who he is deep down then he’ll be mr gone. The prospect of dating someone mature and respectful, overpowers my urges to have SOMEONE, ANYONE there for me because I want a partner and a family and I can’t let mood swings get in the way of that. So I’m only letting people who have expressed they are looking for the same and who can show it, in the case that one ends up being mr husband.

Pick mes and LVMs and even my lesbian sister have told me, uh you’re way too picky. I just tell them yeah well look where not being picky vs being picky has gotten me. A loser criminal who took everything he could from me vs. a doctor who mentions a detail from one of my old music videos in a relevant conversation and not in a weaponized information type of way but like in a oh isn’t that the shirt you wore in your ___ video when I send him a selfie or something.

I wish I could help make it easier on others who feel the way you do OP. I am not a narcissist but now that I have a healthy level of love, respect, pride, and introspection, I have even thought to myself “wow kinda jealous that someone else gets to pursue me and get to know and love me, I wish I could be someone else so I could experience that with myself,” it sounds narcissistic as fuck but until I met someone who actually does feel that way I low key thought it would be a string or mr right nows or worse until I die alone.

I’m dying alone regardless, might as well give myself a chance to experience this new kind of relationship because it may pay off, vs settling with the idea that I only deserve what I can get. I’m trying to level up in more than just this life alone, so I’m really really trying my hardest to accept blessings from the universe, even if it doesn’t work out, I’ve already learned lessons that I will use the next time a man wants to, and does,

Sorry for my stream of consciousness too. But seriously I understand girl. You got this. You deserve that cake, and when you’re able to share it with an HVM you won’t even remember how you felt when you made this post. Stay strong.

katiekat0214 · 2022-01-05T01:24:26+00:00

I've been thinking about this the past several years since my late beloved second husband Jack died.

I knew from single digits I very much wanted to be married and happy; second time was the charm. From childhood all the way up into my 20s, this was the desire of my heart; I had a strong inborn vocation to be a wife, and a damn good one. But now that he's gone, that vocation just evaporated. I knew when he was dying that there was a very, very good chance that I would stay single the rest of my life. I knew I wouldn't marry a third time and I also knew I wouldn't live with anyone again. Living apart together, separate finances would work for me; fun companionship would work.

These days, I just can't for the life of me manifest anyone in my mind, because that singular, strong vocation is simply no longer there, and a third relationship would be nice but strictly optional. I already have family, friends, community around me. I know that romantic love isn't the best, highest, most important type of love out there. If anything, I'm open to more people, more experiences than I ever was as a young pickme, and I'm no longer a pick me, and always working to eradicate the last vestiges of that. I also miss physical affection, but having been loved well and truly, there's no settling for less ever again.

This time around, though, a man needs to get my attention pretty aggressively because I'm simply living life, doing my thing. He needs to jump out in front of me to make me notice him, then be there consistently for days, weeks, months, years, because I attach soooo slowly.

What I fear, though, is having my life taken over by a relationship, which I don't want. I want some built-in distance. I want us both to have our own lives, hobbies, interests, families, friends, communities. I want new guy (whoever he is) to fit into my life and also expand it, as I've said here before. I don't want him to take up excessive psychic space, nor give me too much space in his life, either, just comfortable space.

Right now I'm rather vague about what I do want. I know what I don't want precisely: no marriage, no cohabitation. Ideally no single fathers, but as someone in my 50s, that's a tall ask. We'll see. If it's meant to be, it'll happen, but I'm simply busy getting on with living my life.

candyfox84 · 2022-01-04T19:54:56+00:00

I am still a romantic at heart, I believe in destiny as an ingredient I guess (in addition to FDS of course!). We don't entirely write our own scripts and some of it is up to the universe. But it is hard to be patient sometimes!

ivory_727 · 2022-01-04T21:56:46+00:00

I definitely relate to this. It doesn't happen often, but when it does I just let the feeling happen. I acknowledge it, but I don't beat myself up for wanting something that I don't have. Not sure how many other FDS-ers were raised the same way, but I come from a background where the mentality was "quit complaining/be grateful for what you have" so it's taken me a while to overcome that and just let myself feel disappointment without also shaming myself. Maybe that makes sense to you too.

modernmedusaa · 2022-01-05T03:26:29+00:00

I know a married woman that told me

‘You can feel alone in marriage you know’

Been married decades

She has a drink problem & is on anti depressants bc of it

But she won’t divorce bc she’s a devout Christian & she doesn’t want to seem a bad Christian / failure

(This is why I’m not religious- seen that happen too many times)

Their ‘marriage’ bumbling on too long has really affected their kids who are also having mental problems/ difficulties

The grass isn’t always as greener as it seems

seadragon6 · 2022-01-05T03:49:25+00:00

Someone in this sub once mentioned touch starvation and said she would schedule days where she and her mom could hug. For me, I make sure to hug friends (I have a Covid circle of less than five, all of whom are very careful) and cherish those conversational touches (touching someone's arm when you laugh at a joke, grabbing a hand when it's emotional). It's not going to replace the companionship of a romantic partner, but I find it gets me 90% of the way there, because I value my chosen family over any man.

Your journey resonates so deeply with me. I hope you continue growing and being so proud of yourself.

sarah_queen · 2022-01-04T22:33:18+00:00

I've felt this way at times before, but whenever I broke my rules and ignored red flags to try to get my needs satisfied sooner I was burned badly by LVM that prey for this kind of situation. Women who are desperate for emotional affection are like magnets to LVMs and the only thing you can safely do is sit it out and wait for a real chance.

asoww · 2022-01-05T02:14:20+00:00

Well, all I can say is that I'm right where you are!

TENTITS · 2022-01-05T00:14:37+00:00

I remember feeling exactly this way in my marriage before I decided to level up for my own sake.

Colour_riot · 2022-01-05T16:32:11+00:00

I'm with you... and it's a tempting thought.

Then I rmb an NVX who pretended to be that and then dropped the mask after he thought I was emotionally hooked, and the ex before that whom I simply wasn't sexually attracted to and I like waking up alone in bed again.

poetfrog · 2022-01-08T15:05:06+00:00

I just want to thank y’all for the thoughtful responses. It warms my heart to know that so many of ourselves have so much self love. I love being part of this community and learning and growing with all of you 🥰

Title	Anyone else feel the same way sometimes?
Author	poetfrog
Upvotes	264
Comments	22
Date	January 4, 2022 6:44 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rw1ic5/anyone_else_feel_the_same_way_sometimes/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/anyone-else-feel-the-same-way-sometimes.1094610 https://theredarchive.com/post/1094610

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