Women Who Say Their Single Mother is All That's Wrong With Them

Muffcakelord · 2022-01-17T09:02:33+00:00

People love to pretend like men have more than 50% responsibility in family court when he asks for custody and 0% anytime else

FlockAroundtheClock · 2022-01-17T09:37:43+00:00

In my case, my father would have been just as bad, if not worse. But yes, fathers like to play victim and pretend they tried everything but the court was against them. Unless, they're using the court system to victimize their ex-wife, then they can fight tooth and nail.

The_Cat_Empress · 2022-01-17T15:18:53+00:00

AMEN.

Men get such accolades for doing the bare minimum and I bet you they get more pats on their asses for being single fathers.

Women are blamed for the PREGNANCY as well! “Oh you should have known better!! How could you do this?!”

Hello?!

Honestly it’s internalized misogyny when women blame their mothers and never even consider the sperm donor. These women should be more angry at him!!

PrivyPal · 2022-01-17T14:56:21+00:00

Completely agree. It's not even logically correct to blame everything on the mother. Great post!

Commercial_Place9807 · 2022-01-17T18:06:28+00:00

I wasn’t raised by a single mother but my mother did have borderline personality disorder, which primarily affects women.

I’m in several support groups for people raised by mothers with BPD. And I get it, it’s traumatic to be raised by women with BPD, but I also feel like if she had got the support she needed as a little girl and as a wife and mother it wouldn’t have got as severe as it did.

aoi4eg · 2022-01-17T11:31:18+00:00

When I first became aware of the feminist movement (15+ years ago), it was very common to blame everything on men. A lot of activists were saying that your abusive mother is just a victim of patriarchy and you can't be mad at her. Especially if you remind her of your "horrible father", just endure all the abuse and forgive her later.

Gosh, the number of forums I was banned on for defending a child's right not to be abused because their father hurt their mother at some point...

FI-REfox · 2022-01-17T19:12:39+00:00

This is very true, and when fathers are the abusive parent, the mothers are blamed for not protecting their children from him.

They are blamed for staying in the relationship in order to be always present to deflect the abuse away from the kids even if it means making herself the target.

They are blamed for leaving the relationship because it means they are no longer able to protect the children when they are in their abusive father's custody, because negligent or intentionally ignorant courts insist on giving unsupervised access to abusive men.

Davina33 · 2022-01-17T22:48:17+00:00

Yep. Actually my biological father got punished and I'm glad of that. My biological father is from Bangladesh, a Muslim and was married when he had an affair with my Jamaican/Irish mother. He didn't want to know how after he got her pregnant with me. All this time he only lived 30 mins away from us. Grew up having never met him until I started looking for him with help from families in the Bengali community.

Basically, the whole Muslim population of my home town found out, especially that he abandoned me to an abusive mother and stepfather. The younger members of the community berated him for doing this and he fled my home town. The coward never had the guts to speak to me after I reached out. I look just like him, which is unfortunate.

chasingshoesales · 2022-01-18T16:54:35+00:00

I’m NC with both my parents because my mom was abusive in every way and my dad couldn’t care less about it. Both are held responsible. Idk why that’s rocket science to some people but everyone deals with abuse differently.

BedazzledSwashbuckle · 2022-01-18T19:18:58+00:00

I don't disagree, but also ... we blame mothers when men turn out a certain way... Why would mothers of daughters be exempt? Single moms? Married moms whose husbands override their parenting?

The reality of single motherhood is that (a) moms who have the kids (no dad around) are usually dealing with poverty. Raising kids in poverty is HARD.

(b) moms who don't have their kids are usually leaving abusers (abusers and molesters are statistically FAR more likely to request - and get - sole custody of their kids). Recovering from DV is HARD. Building a life after a divorce is hard. Building a life after DV, divorce, and the brutal court-forced loss of your children? Living every day knowing your children are alone, forever, with the man who tortured you for years? It breaks many of these women.

Single moms raising kids without poverty and without leaving DV actually aren't doing any worse than healthy two parent teams: https://www.families.com/study-kids-raised-single-moms-well-kids-raised-two-parents ...Which means the real issue all along has been poverty and male intimate violence.

For the rest, by the time mom leaves, she's often traumatized. She may be physically ill from sleep deprivation and overwork. if she wasn't already isolated, single motherhood means losing most of her former married friends (even today - it's one of the most brutal parts of a divorce) and having to find time and people who would socialize with a single mom. Dating introduces so many risks on the step-dad front, so her "love life" may be neglected for years as a result. If she left an abuser, most of them continue to abuse from a distance, either through the kids, the courts, the finances, the social network, or all of these simultaneously. I know several moms who were bankrupted by exes who kept them in court for a decade after they left.

If you had a dad who didn't drag you through the hell of a custody battle, that shouldn't be a strike against him.

(I've also noted that friends who grew up with abusive dads tend to be deeply resentful of their mothers for not leaving their dads. Even in situations where the family courts of their region / time would almost certainly have handed them over solely to their dad post-divorce anyway.)

Title	Women Who Say Their Single Mother is All That's Wrong With Them
Author	CrabEatingFox
Upvotes	386
Comments	20
Date	January 17, 2022 7:05 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/s5xqng/women_who_say_their_single_mother_is_all_thats/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/women-who-say-their-single-mother-is-all-thats.1097107 https://theredarchive.com/post/1097107

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