Just left what I thought was HVM

purasangria · 2021-04-10T15:58:23+00:00

Jesus, these men.

First, good for you for not getting sucked back in. Leaving the state will be a new start for you. You deserve to be with someone who doesn't lie to you.

Second, this just goes to show that men will fake ENTIRE RELATIONSHIPS, as one commenter observed on another thread. 3 years, forever girlfriend sitch, living together, he gets all the wifey benefits, says he wants to get married but does nothing toward that. Cheats.

Don't move in with a man before you have an engagement ring that demonstrates a real financial committment from him, a date set for the wedding, and a downpayment on the wedding venue. This will prevent you getting sucked into doing wife shit for a man who gives zero shits about you

needsmoresilk · 2021-04-10T16:49:38+00:00

Sis, I’m so sorry he cheated. Really. It cuts deep whether you’ve been in a relationship for 3 years or 30. And it just goes to show you can never tell. Stay strong and practice lots of self care. You were ruthless in cutting him off, exactly how you should be in these situations. That’s self care too.

Now- you probably don’t want to hear this right now, but:

Boyfriend of 3 years he wanted to marry me, or so he said

Just words. 3 years without an engagement is already too long. If he wanted to marry you, a ring would have materialized well before this point.

I helped him get ready

Don’t provide free labor to men.

I strongly recommend (re) reading the handbook and the stories here to drive home what HV is-it is consistently honorable, driven, and meaningful behavior over time. That time is measured in years and decades.

BTW, the points above already tell us he wasn’t HV. That he might have been pretending. And 3 years is nothing, men can pretend for 30 years if it helps them.

But masks can and do slip if you know what to look out for. Come back and vent more if you need to. Some responses, including mine, will seem overly critical of you. They’re not. Pls keep them in mind- they help you get over him faster. And, if you choose to continue dating, will help you vet the next one more critically.

qwaliY · 2021-04-10T15:16:44+00:00

Good for you for leaving him sis! Stay strong!

circescircus · 2021-04-10T15:29:07+00:00

I'm so sorry. Why did you think he was the epitome of a HVM? I'm sorry if I sound like I lack empathy, I truly am sorry. But I am really analytical and I think it would help you (as well as others) on this sub, if you could break things down.

I don't talk about how stupid or terrible other men are to my husband. He knows how stupid/terrible men can be. I only bring up examples of strong, brave and kind men to him if I ever bother to discuss other men with him. I love my husband, but I refuse to blow smoke up his ass just because he chooses to be what the vast majority of women already are-- a good person. I also would not call him the epitome of a HVM. I wouldn't even call myself the epitome of a HVW. I don't think any person is the epitome of a HVM/HVW. Which is why I'm so curious as to why you thought he was the epitome of a HVM?

Again, I'm very sorry. Please don't reach out to him! Let yourself feel grief and anger.

Maingurl · 2021-04-10T17:15:32+00:00

You're leaving Sunday?

Well Monday is a new day! A new life! Go get brunch! Go shopping! Do you nails! Watch your favorite movies!

Fuck that man🤬!

💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

2021-04-10T16:22:03+00:00

A real man would not cheat on you. You deserve the basics, at the very least. Sexual fidelity is included in the basic package.

BasieSkanks · 2021-04-10T15:39:30+00:00

I am so sorry, sis. Find solace in the strength you had to walk away instantly and not look back. You will get through this, but also take the time to feel sad for a while and grieve the relationship you had and the man you thought you knew. Wishing you the best, love.

throwawayheyyy5 · 2021-04-10T15:32:05+00:00

I'm so sorry for the pain but good job on leaving! I wish you the best 🤗

GlamLearner · 2021-04-10T15:46:43+00:00

I’m so sorry. You will get through this. I experienced the same shock and disgust. It really is the most confusing experience. I’m happy that you are leaving and already practicing no contact as much as you can. You’re going to be so much better off!

Less-Weekend5123 · 2021-04-10T17:31:54+00:00

Going out with hes brothers.

I tell u when men are with their "boys" they forget any kind of morality and they turn into a different person.

They probably talk shit about women in their lives and about u and I'm pretty sure they might have encouraged him to cheat too..

alichuchu · 2021-04-10T17:21:09+00:00

a quick and lethal cut off makes me elated!! you did the right thing and you’ll be better off!!

oliveial4185 · 2021-04-10T18:34:51+00:00

He told me was going out with his brothers. I helped him get ready. He said he loved me before he left.

Oh my god. I am absolutely disgusted by this pathetic excuse for a man.
How much of a monster can he be? Hell, I don't know you, but I know I love you more than he did. Fuck him. He is nothing. He was always nothing. You are so much better off without him.

You always felt secure with him? Never questioned any of his behavior or the things he ever said? Looking back, was there even the slightest red flag? I only ask out of curiosity because it is really scary that you never saw it coming. There really are not enough good ones out there.

thespeedofpain · 2021-04-10T15:55:51+00:00

Stay strong, sister! Remember that you deserve happiness. You deserve someone who isn’t a piece of shit. Hang in there ♥️

crossiantfun · 2021-04-10T15:38:59+00:00

We’re here for you 💕

EffectiveHoneydew422 · 2021-04-10T18:44:31+00:00

You rule, so glad that you made the right decision and cut him off so quickly. You will not regret that. im living for that queen energy and those solid boundaries babe. Hes a rootrat and always will be, if he was a good HVM actor its a bittersweet blessing you caught him before marriage. Your worth and value far exceeds anything he will ever amount to. hugs

Determinedblonde · 2021-04-10T16:08:50+00:00

How did you find out? Did you catch him by following him?

gas_station_jax · 2021-04-10T17:51:46+00:00

Shit, I am so sorry. I can't even imagine the feeling of betrayal you must be dealing with? At least he showed his true colors now instead of 5 years from now.. Sending love and support your way ❤

avidreader89x · 2021-04-10T21:46:10+00:00

I could have wrote this.

I found out 2 months ago that my husband cheated on me last year. I thought he was HVM. I was blindsided. I’m still shocked by it. I just found out about this sub a couple weeks ago, but I’m sure if I found it sooner he also would have “agreed” with a lot of things that are posted on here. He totally had me fooled.

Theboredshrimp · 2021-04-10T22:58:56+00:00

I think we should keep fds a secret from men, we're literally providing them a blueprint to lie, I send all my love!

emziewemziee · 2021-04-10T17:32:25+00:00

i’m so sorry. well done for staying strong and cutting him off x

2021-04-10T18:23:35+00:00

🤍 You can do this! As hard and painful as the next few weeks will be you will thrive and be so happy you held your ground. Chop chop motherfucker, these scrotes ran out of time.

2021-04-11T01:05:56+00:00

Guys who ace the HVM act aren’t LVM. They’re usually psychopath types (NVM). Their flags will be a bit different than the LVM low effort flags we look for elsewhere.

I’m so glad you escaped while you can!!!

ShegoGreen · 2021-04-10T23:38:32+00:00

Ladies, that's why it's so essential that we "look at patterns not words" when vetting.

chunkycasper · 2021-04-10T22:22:49+00:00

You're handling this like the absolute queen that you are. Good job keeping your crown on, girl ❤️❤️

subtlecuttlefish · 2021-04-12T12:11:36+00:00

So you are me from a year and a half ago. It's how I got into FDS into the first place - found of my boyfriend of nearly 4 years who I was living with was sexting/ sending nudes to another woman for three months. I'm very sure there was more but he was deleting messages so I'll never know the full extend. I ended it with him immediately.

First of all block that guy on everything. You do not need to have him try and wheedle his way back into your life while you're going through the 5 Stages of Grief and are vulnerable and confused. You do not need the mental burden of wondering which of the women commenting on his pics are the ones he is/was cheating or seeing now...you don't need it. Shut the door to that pain so you can heal in the quiet.

Second of all - protect your physical health. Please go and do a full STI panel. Even if you don't have evidence of physical cheating the reality now is that this person has been doing a lot of stuff you don't know about, and unfortunately there's some STIs which are symptomless but can really mess you up if left untreated (like chlamydia).

Now the healing beings. Let yourself cry and get angry as much as you need to. I cried so frequently I gave myself a really bad eye infection. I like to joke it was the blindness leaving my eyes lol. But it's a huge shock and trauma so treat it as such and let it out (safely) girl. Writing it all out in a journal/ text doc was also a great way to process, as was listening to music.

Then you're going to have questions. My questions were "how the f@ck am I ever going to trust someone again after this? Did he mean any of it? How long was it going on for? Did I cause this?"

For that I strongly recommend ChumpLady.com. This is a fantastic source for anyone, men, women, straight, LGBT who has been cheated on. The community in the comment section is gold. Every time I had a new realisation or worry or WTF moment, I could go on there and there's an article about it. It makes you realise how universal the experience really is and how people that cheat on you really do all work from the same playbook, while at the same time giving you the very strong message that cheating is UNACCEPTABLE in any form and even if you were the worst partner in the world, you didn't deserve it. Every time I felt my resolve wobble I would go on there There are single parents and women in their 80s in the comments who have left their husbands of 40 years who are striking out on their own. You are not alone. I used to go on when I had those horrible sleepless nights when it's all swirling around in your head and let me tell you, it's the perfect alternative to being left with your own thoughts. It covers every topic in more detail than I ever could in a reddit comment.

For me personally the worst thing for me was the loss of trust in my own judgement. My ex was a great guy up until he wasn't. I was happy in myself and I wouldn't have dated someone who wasn't awesome and didn't treat me well!! Yes we argued, but it was about normal couple stuff and I never in a million years would have thought he was capable of the level of deception he had going on. I came to FDS looking for some kind of method to spot and avoid men like that. And the conclusion I've come to is....

No method is entirely foolproof. When you love and trust someone, you leave yourself vulnerable. That's love. However, you can minimise the damage by doing the following:

1) Vet more. You now know more signs. I'm a lot more careful with who I give my time and attention to - I have a new appreciation for how valuable it is because I was with someone who wasted it.
2) Rely on yourself primarily for emotional and financial support, and secondly on your trusted friends and family. I am so glad I invested in my mental health growing up because it paid dividends when shit hit the fan. I'm also so thankful for the fantastic people in my life.
3) Never ever ever ever give up your financial independence, because that is how you get out if it turns out they aren't who they said they are. I don't care if I'm married with kids, I'm still going to be working and having an emergency fund in a secret account in case they turn out to a be a problem. I am SO GLAD I had a big emergency fund which meant I at least didn't have to worry financially while I was going through a terrible breakup, a move and a job loss during a pandemic.
4) Embrace failure and don't let it stop you from trying again. I had to become okay with making mistakes - one error of judgement and one failed relationship - so that one person cheating on me was not the end of my world. I made a plan to buy my own home and looked into adopting as a single parent, and I'm working towards that so that I'm not "waiting" for a relationship to fulfil my dreams. And while YMMV, I pretty soon decided I wanted to try dating again, if only to prove to my brain that there are many great people out there that I have a connection with. I had some lovely dates with a few guys and eventually found one I really clicked with. I've been seeing this guy for a year now and he's a much better fit than my ex ever was. But even if this guy turns out not great (took my ex 2 years to show his true colors), it's okay. I'm going to be okay. And so are you.

It's kind of like putting two different kinds of locks on your racing bike and keeping it in a secure area are sensible precautions which will prevent most opportunists or even slightly better prepared thieves with a bolt cutter. However there's bike thieves with specialist equipment who stake out houses for a few days to learn their patterns and break into sheds to steal particularly valuable bikes. Your time, energy and love is that valuable bike. But if you have enough money (financial freedom and boundaries to walk away) it doesn't matter if someone steals your bike because you can buy a new one and try keeping it somewhere else with stronger locks and maybe CCTV. Going back to a cheater would be buying a beautiful new bike and putting it in the exact same shed with the same locks and no other updates to your security system. And never trusting again would be like never buying another bike even though you love bike rides.

None of this acceptance and healing happens overnight, but even if you're not there yet (I certainly wasn't a few days after D-Day), keep it in your sights. You'll get there.

It gets so much better. I hope you find healing and the answers you are looking for. Big love from a fellow chump X

Lazy-Day872 · 2021-04-10T16:51:59+00:00

Good for you for leaving and not looking back! 👏👏

Title	Just left what I thought was HVM
Author	CrabEatingFox
Upvotes	420
Comments	36
Date	April 9, 2021 10:07 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/mnrv7t/just_left_what_i_thought_was_hvm/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/just-left-what-i-thought-was-hvm.1187200 https://theredarchive.com/post/1187200

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