Moving past the hurt

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2022-02-06T20:28:34+00:00

I am sorry to hear you are still hurting from this man.

You need to find something, for yourself, to start to put your energies and passion into. Again, for yourself, that brings you some joy or at least contentment.

Also, 3 years… she ain’t coming back and you need to kill the thought of anything happening again with her. There are tens and hundreds of thousands of other women out there. This isn’t Disney, no soulmates, just people that decide to put it hard work and make their relationships work. If that is something you really want.

I know it has been awhile but sharing this since you appear to be still stuck in the grieving phase.

Advice when faced w divorce

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just the basics).

Lift, heavyweights. If you don’t have access to heavyweights, then bodyweight exercises and high-intensity cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too. Also more muscles, those are good too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai, and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also, it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring and builds endurance and strength. And after a few minutes, you are just thinking of breathing and hitting and not a whole bunch else.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something. The idea is that you find something that brings you joy and keeps your mind and body occupied.

Stay away from alcohol (drugs), do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger than that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along with Intermittent Fasting). And also get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this. Can’t sleep? Try melatonin, sleep/relaxation apps, meditation, prayer, fixed bedtime routine.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other than your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas that you could do in 10-20 hours a week then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits). Maybe doing some driving for Lyft / Uber or Door Dash, real estate investing (podcast Bigger Pockets) or maybe you have some skill you haven’t used in a bit that can bring in some extra cash (Tutoring, guitar lessons, dog walker, etc).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple of minutes a day, and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, which I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace. If you are religious pray, read your Bible or other holy book.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art, plants, and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Do NOT feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions. Sometimes sessions won’t be super productive other times they will be. It’s a process that takes some time and won’t last forever. But it will help you struggle through the mental quagmire (shit) and grow stronger and move on.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful (I really think the audiobooks are a good investment. I can take a 4-hour road trip and finish a book. Learn to listen at faster speeds.):

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

• Can’t Hurt Me

• ⁠Extreme Ownership

• Discipline Equals Freedom

• Boundaries

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few other things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do.

Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on. Do not let her draw you into talking about these things. They are yours and yours alone.

This is not a sprint, it is more like a marathon, just keep moving forward one foot in front of the other. Your journey won’t be straight, some days you will feel like shit, some days you won’t. The important thing is that you keep doing some positive things in your life, for yourself.

And lastly, do NOT jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played in coming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out and be honest with yourself and accept feedback from those that know you (family, friends, therapist). Be ok w being on your own for a while. Do NOT repeat the same mistakes that got you where you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market, if you so choose, in a much much better position.

Don’t give up, you’ve got this.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-02-07T00:15:02+00:00

Listen here man, from a man who lost his kids and falsely accused of horrible things by his ex wife (i.e. rape) so she could advance her custody claim.

Forgiveness. No amount of therapy or pills will get you past it. Forgive her and bless her. It is only then can you really move on.

She is not acting out either. She has been planning this for several years but like most men (including myself) we were naive and ignored the red flags.

SelectionNo3419 · 2022-02-06T20:29:19+00:00

Work on yourself. Find the things you’ve always wanted to do. Maybe even go to the gym. I know how that feels because I been there, and it took me a long time to recover but just start small. In time you will meet someone, but don’t make that your main focus. She will eventually probably want you back. But I’m telling you if that happens don’t fall for it, it will be good only for a little then back to the same old crap. Trust me, happened to me. Stay strong man, the pain is only temporary.

patently_pleasant · 2022-02-06T22:25:12+00:00

You are still grieving, and there is no definitive timeline for grief. We all grieve differently. Tons of good books and podcasts discuss grief. From my reading, my favorite quote I read was “grief is the manifestation of your heart searching for a new home.”

I found that quote to be intriguing. We grieve because we are capable of loving again, and ultimately love equals happiness. Love does not have to be with a domestic partner and it surely doesn’t require another marriage. My advice would be to invest in all of those people around you and continue to see your therapist. Find healthy outlets for your grief, anger, and frustration. Work out, see friends and family, talk to your therapist, etc. I hope this helps. Your heart will find a new home. It just takes time.

whatskeeping · 2022-02-07T10:43:41+00:00

It's a fact it takes men longer to get over heartbreak. We actually never get over it study says. We just move on. So hard though..

jalopkoala · 2022-02-06T21:50:45+00:00

Hang in there dude. It is ok to interview other therapists if you have the means. Stay in contact with current therapist until then. And have the two doctors/counselors conned before you switch.

I’m 15 years younger and my marriage was 1/2 as long. But for me it was around the 3 year mark that I stopped playing defense and felt like I had a future. Bankruptcy was actually the turning point for me.

I don’t think you can “hobby” yourself out of depression. But I do think starting something NEW where you can allow yourself to be totally novice at it and enjoy the early victories of starting a new hobby can help. For me, that was bouldering (though Covid torpedoed that).

Also, on Covid, note that two of those three years were during lock downs, unemployment fears, health fears. No normalcy. Maybe you can give yourself a break a bit from that.

pegleg_legal · 2022-02-07T01:04:03+00:00

More therapy. Meditation. Stoicism in anticipation of those pangs. Truth be told, you will never totally be over it or over her. It's fucking love, man. You can only learn to deal with it and you pretty much are to a good extent, it seems.

mehmench · 2022-02-07T06:30:40+00:00

We all fantasize a bit. I could never go back to my wife but I find myself wondering about her often enough.

I know I could never go back.

I still wonder.

Those two things can coexist. It gets better with time of course.

lostcanuck007 · 2022-02-07T10:03:16+00:00

why and how you can move on from it:

because you have to. and change the place where you live. pick the 5 cheapest and safest countries to take a vacation, earn the money, and go. JUST GO. you need the change. you will begin to see things clearly. also look for cheap therapists. she didn't act out. this was planned. you were played. now get over it. it's been 3 years. you're lucky you have no false allegations against you. take the chance. fucking run and enjoy yourself. take like a few months off or more. find something that pays less and lets you work remotely and just fucking get away. im curious as to why you dont have credit. also i dont know what country you're from, but some men from around the world find women easily if they're from certain countries, just date them for now. travel. build something, get your mind out of the gutter wench that left you. there is no chance between you and her, she might try. dont give in. at all. no joke. no matter if she offers you a million dollars.

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2022-02-07T15:33:16+00:00

Accept that the way you previously understood reality was wrong. You were fed lies. You can rebuild from this but you have to be willing to accept unpleasant reality for what it is. The RP can save you because it is real.

DJWG · 2022-02-07T22:40:37+00:00

I went through this course that i heard about in a divorsed mens FB group (linked below) that got me back on track. Its called the Alpha Code Academy. Check it out on Insta or Facebook to see if it looks like a fit for you. Us men have a lot of low self worth when this happens to us and feel there's no way back. Could be an option for you brother. If you do follow up and join tell them Dave linked you to the course for me. Thanks

https://www.facebook.com/thealphacodeacademy

instagram - thealphacodeacademy

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/rbueof/divorced_mens_network/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

Title	Moving past the hurt
Author	dnewt316
Upvotes	26
Comments	23
Date	February 6, 2022 7:29 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/sm56us/moving_past_the_hurt/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/moving-past-the-hurt.1100699 https://theredarchive.com/post/1100699

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