Tips around feeling resentful

Sea_Bookkeeper_1533 · 2022-03-21T09:59:19+00:00

The only thing that really struck me here is that you split costs equally. Do you make equal amounts? You are putting in 50/50 financially and what, 80/20 around the house?

marshmallowmeringue · 2022-03-21T09:25:12+00:00

Hello! I’m sorry you’re going through this. Something my husband and I did that really helped was to make a list of all domestic chores/duties, and then sort them by which ones we ‘like’ and dislike the most. What we discovered was that there were quite a few chores that he actually enjoys doing that I don’t, and vice versa. So we assigned each other responsibilities according to that. I still do the bulk of the housework, but there are now a few things I don’t ever worry about because he always does them (cleaning the bathrooms and doing laundry). It’s taken pressure off of us both in different ways.

Noressa · 2022-03-21T12:55:20+00:00

I totally get the resent. I work full time and he works full time. We prioritize things that make my life easier. He's got a sleep disorder which means he's not available in any kind of traditional manner (his sleep schedule shifts by an hour every day).

So since I basically get up, go to work, come home, make dinner, put the kids to bed, do the cleaning, go to sleep, he looks for ways to make my life easier. We got an au pair to assist with the hours (she drops them off and picks them up from school, then plays with them until dinner time.) Most recently, after being in our new home for 1.5 years, I've realized no matter how much I try to clean it, I can't by myself. So we're getting a cleaning service once every other week. We try to do things to reduce my stress knowing that the load isn't equal. He pays by far the lions share of everything, and I get that his job means he has more time to relax while making far more than I do. Resentment still does come up, but then I realize just how much he's working to help me with my goals and it helps. The only time I'll ask for more is when he wants more relaxing time with me and I have to remind him of the things I still need to do to get everything done. ;) Which usually then ends up in a request of what can we do to make more time so he can have relaxing times.

It's so hard with 2 kids under 5. But he really does try to help as he can, and if I absolutely need help he doesn't shy away from it. And because he does make those efforts to help me, it's easier to let go of resentment when it does come up.

Fieryirishplease · 2022-03-21T09:44:46+00:00

Do you guys have "set" work hours? If your husband has a set time that he works, I would suggest you view that time as his time. Once he is off work then yes, expect him to at least spend time with baby!

My situ is a bit different. STAHM yes, but husband works a full 40 away from home at one of the most dangerous domestic jobs. I have him Fri, Sat, Sun. But I also make sure he knows it's HIS TIME to spend with our daughter, not just me. I also expect time on the weekends to work on my own projects (youtube. writing, doing dishes unmolested)

Unfortunately you can't expect him to help during his work hours, his mental energy is devoted to his work, even if he his taking time to nap. Sounds counter intuitive but the mental workload can be incredibly taxing. I would say be thankful that his work offers you the opportunities you have BUT ask him to devote more of his off work time to the family. If that makes any sense, I hope I am not rambling.

AdjectiveMcNoun · 2022-03-23T03:49:20+00:00

You are putting in equal money but doing more work, even though you don't earn as much. That isn't right. That gives the impression that he thinks his time is more valuable than yours. Regardless of how much you make, if you are paying the same amount as he is, you should be splitting the house chores and child care 50/50. You should really be accounting for the difference in income and paying less, especially since you do more work in the home.

You should have a serious talk with him. Tell him your time is just as valuable as his. Maybe try this...make a list of everything you do in a day or two and have him try to complete it while working as you do. Hopefully that will open his eyes because maybe he just doesn't realize how much you actually do or how hard it is. If he really cares about you he will listen and take you seriously, and do something to make you feel better about the situation. If he refuses you should start refusing to do some things for him (his laundry, for example, or cooking his meals) until he starts helping more.

Also, do something to pamper yourself on a regular basis. Tell him that he needs to take care of the child during that time, because he gets naps and relaxation so you also need some time to yourself. It can be anything you want...a bath /spa treatment, reading a book, going for a walk, getting coffee with a friend, working out, taking a nap, etc. Whatever relaxes you and makes you feel happier. Try to make it equal to the amount of time he gets to himself. If that isn't possible at least squeeze in a little time for yourself somewhere. It is important.

kitterkatty · 2022-03-21T14:05:51+00:00

The best cure for that feeling aside from being demanding which I never want to do is to treat yo self :) might mean a long bath, getting a new book, letting some unimportant thing slide to just sit or buying yourself a small treat. Just do something as a reward for what feels like an unfair workload. It is true that a happy guy is a helpful guy and like with anything someone forced to do anything will start resenting and hating. I get through a lot of the mundane woman’s work crap by visualizing the reward. And also you can let yourself off the hook for his areas lol carrying huge bags of mulch, etc

Title	Tips around feeling resentful
Author	MiracleMorni
Upvotes	16
Comments	28
Date	March 21, 2022 9:14 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/tj7lmp/tips_around_feeling_resentful/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/tips-around-feeling-resentful.1108289 https://theredarchive.com/post/1108289

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