A friend is married to a man who refuses to do a job and just sits at home while she brings in a significant pay check & she’s encouraging me to tolerate the same. Thoughts?

sunglasses90 · 2023-02-18T16:27:41+00:00

I’m happy when my friends are happy. Different things make different people happy. I absolutely would not be cool personally with a man who doesn’t work by choice, however, absolutely no hate to someone who is happy with that. Everyone gets one life and you get to fill it with the people and things that you love.

I’d simply try to avoid the topic with her. She’s being pushy and she shouldn’t be. If she brings it up just say “yeah, maybe. I’m happy with how things are now, so we’ll see” then change the subject. You can 100% be friends with people who have diff values and different lifestyles than yours. You just don’t wanna argue over it because it’ll go no where. You don’t bring it up and if she brings it up change the subject as quickly as possible. She’ll get the hint.

Wide-Biscotti-8663 · 2023-02-19T01:30:32+00:00

I feel like she knows this arrangement is ridiculous and her trying to convince you that it’s a good idea is more about her trying to convince herself that she’s happy and ok with this. If she was actually happy she wouldn’t need to convince anyone. I don’t go around preaching or evangelizing my lifestyle to anyone; my lifestyle is not for everyone and that’s ok.

RatchedAngle · 2023-02-18T15:21:45+00:00

Well, if he’s taking out the trash and cooking meals, he isn’t “doing nothing.” He has simply taken on the feminine role. Which is okay. Like you said: to each their own.

I would sit her down and explain that you respect her lifestyle, but it’s not for you and you’d appreciate it if she stops pressuring you into it. If she doesn’t respect that, then it might be time to reconsider the friendship.

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-02-18T16:11:56+00:00

I've been married to a man who wouldn't work. It's a miserable place to be and it takes some real mental gymnastics to excuse it. If she were happy, she wouldn't be pushing so hard to convince you of that fact.

ArkNemesis00 · 2023-02-18T16:01:49+00:00

It's hard for me to tell how much of this is just normal talking about your life choices. There's good and bad to every set-up; I'm sure providing for someone and them taking care of all the housework does have some advantages for women in that role. As you said, it's just not for you (and the majority of women).

I'd just continue to gently shut her down (saying you're happy, that your bf loves his career) and increasing how direct you are as you approach the end of your rope.

Just be sure to examine whether or not this friendship adds value to your life and that you enjoy her personality. Sometimes we keep people around too long out of a sense of obligation or propriety.

worldlysentiments · 2023-02-18T15:52:36+00:00

I think you can be open to them having their own way if they’d like, some people do thrive on diff kinds of power, maybe she’s into some financial domination of him that we aren’t aware of lol. But I don’t think they should look down on your way as well. To those saying they don’t hold company with people who have different “values” or whatever, I differ on that because people are different and have their own expectations of their life, but they should respect yours as well.

My point is, if she’s speaking exactly as you’ve quoted, it sounds like A/There’s probably some weird fetish thing going on there in her mind lol or B/ she’s overcompensating how much she likes it. Because even if you like working I don’t think anyone would say it’s empowering for your husband to sit on his ass lol it’s not healthy for anyone to do that.

undothatbutton · 2023-02-18T19:41:29+00:00

I mean, how is she bullying you? If she’s being rude to be rude then like, it doesn’t really matter why she is being rude. I would tell her to stop or just simply stop spending time with her.

But her personal relationship arrangement isn’t really relevant. Everything you said about their set up could be said about a male breadwinner with a SAHW… “All she does is take out the trash and cook, otherwise she just sits at home doing basically nothing. She’s educated, you know, so she could go work, but her husband doesn’t want her to. It’s like he likes taking care of her. He even told me that I should consider staying home and having my husband be the breadwinner too! They don’t even own a big home or have kids, so what does she even do all day?” etc… (which oh btw, people DO say about SAHW/SAHMs)

littlestircrazy · 2023-02-18T16:05:43+00:00

I'm very similar to your friend. I make easy money, while my boyfriend hates his job and it doesn't work with our lifestyles at all, so we are looking into what an arrangement might look like for us where he is not working.

Now for us, we live and travel fulltime in a campervan, so a lot of the work for the home is stuff he does (he does all of our "utilities" like dumping the toilet, refilling the diesel heater, cleaning off the solar panels, building new shelves, upgrading the wiring, etc), so it actually works out well for us since it opens up more time for him to do maintenance, repairs, and improvements.

I would never impose our structure onto others because I don't think it's ideal, I don't think it makes sense in most cases (I worry particularly about once we have children and I'm in recovery and breastfeeding, but once we go down the path of him being unemployed, it'll be hard to just switch roles and still be in the same financial boat).

I think you need to tell your friend that you love that she's happy and are really glad her man is able to take care of her in ways that she loves, but that you respectfully have different wants and needs and that's okay. Each family values different things and that's absolutely okay.

Then, tell her that you are no longer going to tolerate her trying to convince you to live her life and in the future will immediately end all conversations that lead that direction. And stick to it.

Sankdamoney · 2023-02-18T15:44:59+00:00

Friends can be influential, even in adulthood. I’d ditch friends who don’t share your values.

armywife81 · 2023-02-18T15:40:36+00:00

No. The end.

willowaverie · 2023-02-18T16:54:55+00:00

I think her pushing it more aggressively shows she might have some insecurities about it and trying to say how amazing it is that her husband sits around not making a dime, but she might love to provide and have a home prepped and a meal cooked with her man ready to give her attention when she gets home! Who knows. I’d just be kind in turning her down everytime, and just remind her it’s not your cup of tea.

Shoryuken44 · 2023-02-18T16:38:25+00:00

The fact he "refuses" to work tells you everything you need to know. You don't want to be with someone who refuses to do regular normal things.

anonrussia · 2023-02-18T18:11:03+00:00

Absolutely not

jenna_grows · 2023-02-19T08:39:48+00:00

I know a couple with this set up. Firstly, he’s not doing nothing. He’s doing exactly what a SAHW does and that is incredibly valuable work.

After spending time with this couple, my husband and I chatted about the lifestyle. He was saying it sounds AWESOME. When I asked him if that was what he would want, he laughed and said “no but it does still sound awesome in its own way”.

Perhaps you come across as more judgmental than you intend when you speak with her, and she is trying to explain why it’s actually a cool lifestyle. Just from your post title alone, it’s clear that you have no conception of what this woman’s husband actually does.

I can also understand all the comments she’s making about this set up being empowering. Either she’s trying to convince herself or trying to curb your judgment (because you are her friend and sometimes people do this). Either way, it doesn’t sound like bullying you into anything.

If she tries to tell you that you should open yourself up to the possibility, it sounds like she’s just telling you to consider various options available to you. It doesn’t sound like bullying. Maybe she just perceives your relationship as lacking - which I am sure is not the case. But you are doing the same with hers.

I would just gently tell her that it’s not something you’ve ever wanted but you’re happy that it works so well for her. It doesn’t have to be a debate unless she gets pushy.

It can be difficult when your friends are feminists and I’ve been in your shoes. But my friend is a lot more extreme (and she’s like this all the time, not just with the feminist stuff).

Legitimate-Builder82 · 2023-02-18T15:51:57+00:00

What are your thoughts on all this?

I got my own shit to worry about. But, to contribute, it's too complex a situation to pass a judgement on on the basis of what you described.

AutoModerator · 2023-02-18T14:55:58+00:00

Your above submission to /r/RedPillWomen has been removed, because you have a new account with little karma. Please message moderators (bottom of the sidebar above "moderators" box) to be approved, or lurk and contribute more in discussion before posting a new submission.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

AutoModerator · 2023-02-18T14:56:21+00:00

Title: A friend is married to a man who refuses to do a job and just sits at home while she brings in a significant pay check & she’s encouraging me to tolerate the same. Thoughts?

Full text: My friend has a well-paying job. Her husband also has the capacity to earn good money and is well educated but he refuses to work and prefers to stay at home and let my friend be the sole breadwinner. They have no kids so it’s not as if he’s staying at home to take care of kids. They don’t own a home and live in a small rented apartment so there is not a vast amount of maintenance of the home to do.

Each to their own, right? Just because this wouldn’t work for me doesn’t mean it can’t work for others, I guess. However, my friend keeps almost kind of bullying me into the idea that feminine and male gender roles or feminine energy is “absolute nonsense” and that it is, to quote her, “empowering” for her to go out to work while her husband just sits at home doing nothing. She gushes about the fact that allowing her husband to stay at home and not do a job means he takes out the trash and cooks meals. And she told me that I should be open to this kind of arrangement myself (I’m currently dating a man who has a great career).

What are your thoughts on all this?

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

iscomatrix · 2023-02-18T18:24:10+00:00

It sounds like she likes having him be her homemaker. Even if she doesn't have kids, she still probably has chores for him to do. Personally I could probably go either way, but don't let her bully you into a lifestyle you are uncomfortable with.

Diamond-Breath · 2023-03-01T08:13:07+00:00

She sounds deeply insecure about their arrangement, confidence is quiet.

Comments