I’m currently a 21yo female (INFJ) and I have been in love with someone since I was 12. This someone later on became my boyfriend (platonic at the time, we hadn’t touched) we were what you would call “high school sweethearts” from 12 all the way to 18. We broke it off later on cuz of different schools, university, responsibilities etc.

Tbh he’s objectively a 3/10 in terms of looks. Didn’t really care about much in his life, didn’t care about his education, getting a job, becoming better. He was more of a “what u see is what u get” kinda dude and wasn’t moved by the “depths” of things like I was… I always strived for more. More improvement, more levelling up, learning, becoming a better version. I wanted feelings, connection, loyalty. Although we were polar opposites, nobody had even made me feel that way. Even though it was clear to me he wasn’t on my level and we didn’t see eye to eye, i’ve always had a soft sport for him cuz it was my first love. It’s like he left that sensory imprint on my brain that is now impossible to get rid of.

I’m still a virgin (not for religious reasons). I travelled, went for studies abroad, met people, went on dates but nothing extra ever went down. I’m in a sense demisexual and I can’t give myself like that to just anyone who shows me the tiniest bit of attention. I really need feelings. Ideally, I would have loved my first time to be with this high school love. I was thinking and fantasising about it even years later. But I told myself, I would only give him that part of me only if he truly stayed loyal to his feelings for me.

Fast forward to New Years, he texts me 5 years later. My heart exploded like crazy. I tried to come across as reserved and normal, but I couldn’t hide my excitement. He vented me via a huge rant on how he felt and how he cannot forget me. I let him speak and express everything he wanted to. I was positive towards reuniting with him, but in the back of my mind, if he had f*cked other people it would be a huge betrayal in my eyes. I would not be able to accept him back.

Upon asking him straightforward about it, he was all sneaky and secretive. Ofc it turned me off like crazy and crashed me emotionally, but I’m realistic enough to hear any answer. My overthinking had included that scenario and possible outcome. He most likely has moved on sexually after me. He didn’t continue the convo, it was obvious i felt uncomfortable and yet he just left it there on delivered, not giving a f…

Maybe my brain got stuck in the old version of my boy, where everything was innocent, pure and sweet…Reality tho turned out to be a whole different story…

Am I delusional for expecting the same type of loyalty I have though? Loyalty to me isn’t just for as long as things are good and nice and sweet between us. Loyalty to me is at all times. I’ve had my chances to do things too but it would feel wrong to just go f*ck someone else. And it’s not just about any man you meet at anytime of your life… I’m talking about that person carrying your heart, having spent your childhood memories together, having this very very close unbreakable bond. The type of connection that even if you’re not together, it carries on… It is a massive betrayal in my eyes. He told me he will never be over me, but he still went and gave it to somebody else….

I know you’ll say “yes, but men are men”, but this goes soooo against my values as a person that I’d rather close the door on him forever. No matter how much I love him. I know nobody owes nobody anything, but I’m built different and the way I love is different… Love and loyalty are like unwritten laws for me..laws that are there at all times, not only when life is soft and sweet and we’re in the honeymoon phase...

My body isn’t accessible to anyone just because I’m h0rny, lonely, vulnerable and in need for security or validation from men…I’ve felt that way one too many times but I kept my virginity cuz intimacy with my person is top tier to me. Although I love him, I can’t turn a blind eye on this..