I do not enjoy casual sex. Are some men just not wired for casual sex, or is this a mental hangup?

thedragonrises · 2019-03-08T07:17:06+00:00

you like more substance in your relationships. you're emotionally wired for that and that's who you are. It may indicate you have a more sensitive and emotional nature. That is not in any way a weakness. You have your own powerful strengths. I knew exactly what you meant when you typed out your post. Do your thing partna and own that shit.

2019-03-08T09:10:15+00:00

You do you.

The main points brought here still stand.

I've been married 10 years with two boys. It's possible to use some of the teachings here and there and find your own path.

RamessesVII · 2019-03-08T07:44:20+00:00

A lot of users on this sub are in monogamous relationships. If you choose to go down that route remember a couple things.

AWALT: All Women Are Like That. Your woman isn’t an exception to the rules of Red Pill Theory.

Don’t develop oneitis. It’s okay to grow affection and love for the person, but if the relationship tanks you need to be willing to walk away. Even just having this approach will take weight off the relationship. My friends with oneitis tend to send their women running, because oneitis usually comes off as desperation and women tend to find it unattractive.

If you choose to get married, get and maintain a prenuptial agreement. This way you’re still with the person on your terms and maintain the freedom to walk away. This should help prevent your partner from throwing in the towel and not putting in the effort she did when you were dating. Always remember that humans respond to incentives, and are very logical in that regard.

KeffirLime · 2019-03-08T09:35:51+00:00

I think what you're dealing with is the fantasy reality gap. Which is where you fantasize that it will be this hot, steamy encounter, filled with passionate sex.

In reality however, the chick is more average, you barely know her so nothing connects, and you're not comfortable in this setting which leads to over thinking.

Casual sex is for when you literally do not care about the women, how she feels about the encounter or what she wants, essentially like a sex object. You need to operate on that level. If you're thinking too deeply, and hoping for vibes to be in sync, you won't enjoy it, you're attaching more value to the encounter than it deserves.

Abbadon188 · 2019-03-08T11:00:24+00:00

I have a very similair thing going on. When I game girls and it goes just too smoothly and I pull them home quick, when it comes to sex I just get blocked. It usually manifests in difficulty getting and maintaining a hard-on, emotional coldness and emptiness and a „hangover” the next day. Even though logically I’m really interested in the concept of casual sex and pulling quick.

Through self-analysis I’ve noticed that this problem might come from; 1. Lack of entitlement - in your head you’re not a guy who does that shit. There is no label in your head that says „A guy that fucks a lot of girls, easily 2. Empath mentality - you’re probably pretty good with people and it’s very easy for you to read people emotions, therefore when you end up in a casual sex situation the emotionless and emptiness of it just hits you way harder then it hits a regular person. Also being that sensitive to emotions you draw more satisfaction with deeper and stronger emotions which can be obtained only in a longer term relationships. 3. Lack od egoism and self-centerdness - someone above said that in casual hook-ups you have to treat a girl like a source of pleasure, an object. However shallow and shitty it sounds it is true. You probably focus on her having a nice experience. To overcome it you have to approach her with a „you’re here to make me feel good” mentality. Like a hooker but with no money involved. I’ve had a situation where I was in bed with a girl and i’ve encountered this block again, after few minutes something switched in me to „fuck that, bitch, I’m gon’ just use you” and it clicked and we both had a good time.

Thats what I’ve found out! Maybe it will help you. Let me know if you find something useful yourself, cause I’m also trying to solve this issue!

LetsSaveTheFirsWorld · 2019-03-08T05:54:00+00:00

St. Augustine had similar issues)

allsam18 · 2019-03-08T09:17:08+00:00

I am the same, i believe in a deeper connection with a woman ))

Tow1994 · 2019-03-08T08:32:31+00:00

For me it is like working in your dream job at your dream company.

Enjoy it, as long as it is how you really want it. Be ready to leave at any moment.

Before that, of course, you can try to make it great again, but if it fails, leave.

Brickles09 · 2019-03-08T11:27:39+00:00

The book "open her" talks about your personality. The Artist. Never thirsty, needs a bigger connection before feeling sexual urges. Women actually like that.

Praecipuus · 2019-03-08T11:39:20+00:00

I'm exactly the same way as you. Just yesterday brought a beautiful 21yo Russian girl to my condo from a club and couldn't finish the deal. This shit has happened to me countless times with girls I find attractive and yet don't have an emotional connection with.

Girls I have a deep connection with though get me going like a fucking animal.

I guess that's just the way we are. Do your thing as I have finally decided yesterday to start doing mine.

Also feel free to pm if you wanna talk further about this.

Cheers.

newcharisma · 2019-03-08T07:15:31+00:00

[permanently deleted]

ValuePrestige · 2019-03-08T10:25:22+00:00

Whatever. It doesnt make you less of a man. People are different.

mimitchi86 · 2019-03-08T10:47:46+00:00

Nothing wrong with wanting to be a little more emotionally invested with a girl first. I was the same way, and actually didn't lose my virginity until I was married. I had plenty of opportunities, but they all felt shallow in the moment, and my body (generally) responded accordingly.

If anything, this is a strength to you because you don't have to fight yourself when it comes to determining the direction and progression of these things. Don't let the thought of "But everyone else does such-and-such" weigh you down; play the game on your own terms.

nicethingyoucanthave · 2019-03-08T11:10:44+00:00

some sort of (ideally scientific) confirmation

I got you covered! One of the principles of evolution is that there is variation within every population. There has to be - there has to be something for natural selection to select on.

So, it does sound like you are a minority. I do think that most guys in the situations you describe would be eager to bang. But it's okay that you don't want to. It's okay to be "wired differently." It's totally natural; even necessary.

The underlying challenge that we all face (including you) is figuring out how to be happy. It's a non-trivial problem. For most guys, sex is a huge psychological need. And for most guys, obtaining sex is a huge struggle. They see it as a barrier to them being happy (it's really not, but I'm not trying to get into philosophy here). It sounds like obtaining sex is not going to be as big a psychological need for you in your life. That's great. Consider yourself lucky.

If you want to hang out and read TRP's theories about human sexuality, I encourage you to do so. See how much of what we say comports with your observations out in the world. Incorporate any of our ideas which you feel are accurate into your world view. And then use them as you see fit - maybe most guys here are looking for a solution to the sex thing - maybe you're not - maybe you'll be looking for something else - maybe there's something here of value.

In my opinion, there are things here that will be of value to you. When you next find a girl who you have feelings for, and she has feelings for you, I think that we can help you understand the true impetus for those feelings so that you can perhaps behave in ways that produce them for a bit longer. I hope that we can help you be successful.

I'll also say that it's possible that you've seen or read about things going on in our culture that have soured you to the idea of hooking up. #metoo is a movement which encourages women to falsely accuse men (here's a case in point - she falsely accused him because she was at a women's march and everyone else had a rape story and she wanted to fit in, so she picked a name out of a hat and called him a rapist).

It's rough out there, man. When I was your age, women were a lot more feminine (even if they were a lot less sexual). I feel for you, and I don't blame you for being turned off by this environment.

2019-03-08T11:45:50+00:00

One of the problems with TRP in my opinion. Everything here seems like it forces men to go down the casual sex path. I don't like casual sex either, yet I still read the redpill. I recommend using the red pill to increase social standing amongst your peers and to be respected by people around you. That's possibly the only way me and you can benefit from this subreddit imho.

Scarecrow101 · 2019-03-08T08:55:36+00:00

Weird sounds like performance anxiety, I have two questions

How much do you masturbate?

And

Does this change when your drunk? Are you suddenly in the mood.

Sounds like it could be a mental block bro

2019-03-08T09:28:58+00:00

Me and my brother are the same way. There's others like us out there. I don't know how to explain it other than that we were raised with strong family values and we witnessed the negative effects of sleeping around while growing up (broken homes). We also grew up around a bunch of religious people though neither of us are religious.

CitizenOfEUSSR1980 · 2019-03-08T10:38:56+00:00

Media and Society oversexualize so heavily, that not willing to fuck all holes around you makes feel that something is wrong. You are totally fine, your life is much more than that.

throwingst0nes · 2019-03-08T11:58:13+00:00

The real question is why you feel bad about the prospect of not enjoying casual sex? Dig deeper and you might find the root of your failure to get hard in those situations is the same as why you feel the need for other people to tell you it's ok to be the way you are. Something to do with desire to conform to other people's opinions.

jonpe87 · 2019-03-08T12:06:50+00:00

Seems like what you need is a special kind of attention from the woman, you don't like a more objectified relationship, I think this can happen when you had a really caring and loving mother. I was this way but I could de-progam myself for realizing that I can have both relationships, not everyone will click with me, but that is ok, we can still enjoy each other with respect.

Liburnian · 2019-03-08T12:24:42+00:00

Didn't work out too well for me either. If she doesn't cares who's doing it to her, I'm just not into it.

MilkMoney111 · 2019-03-08T12:27:01+00:00

I think I was in the same position OP. And coming to read here just amplified my “problem.” It seemed like you’re supposed to be able to have a ONS and if you can’t, something is wrong with you.

I’ve experienced the same. Having an objectively hot girl under you, and feeling nothing. Simply because I just didn’t vibe with her at all. When it happens several times all with women you can honestly say are beautiful, then I think it’s something deeper.

I managed to have a ONS after some reflecting and it helped. I told myself I would do it, didn’t masturbate for a while to where I was ready to take anything. And I told myself it wasn’t for her, it was simply for my release. The sex was okay. On one hand I definitely need some sort of connection to truly enjoy the experience. On the other, having a ONS showed me that it’s really not as big of a deal as I was making and I don’t necessarily need that connection if I’m just getting off.

Be careful though because guys like you and I are more prone to oneitiis. There’s that “one girl” you just click with... don’t feed in to that thinking. Just enjoy your time with her and keep your options. Be ready to ghost any moment.

I’m not saying have a ONS but I will say it did help me. After the first one it was like opening the door for others. And you’ll find women you click with physically but may not emotionally. I’ll just say it is possible. And thank you for your post, glad to see I wasn’t the only one who was like that.

2019-03-08T12:51:54+00:00

As a mentally ill, insecure, beta male loser (wip) here are my thoughts:

This is purely on my own experience. Psychologically, our relationships with the opposite sex stem from our relationship with our own mother, as this can seen as the 'blueprint' for all future relationships. I've had similar experiences as you have, where I would have had an opportunity to have sex with the opposite sex but have felt uncomfortable/anxious/afraid to take it. My mother used to slap me in the back of my head when I was an infant, she also sexually abused me from early age. Furthermore she manipulated me into adoring her, as she was a narcissist and wanted me to be her 'source'.

This has affected my relationship with opposite sex in many ways, but one of them seems to be that I absolutely need to feel 'safe' in order to have an opportunity to enjoy sex, let alone perform. This makes having one night stands challenging.

No I am not in any way suggesting you've had similar experiences, but if you want to find answers it may be beneficial for you to examine your relationship with your own mother in order to gain deeper understanding.

gorebwn · 2019-03-08T12:56:53+00:00

Yeah - I'm very similar.

I have literally near zero levels of interest when it comes to fucking people I don't know. However my hang up is only in regards to actual PIV penetration, I have no issue just fucking around.

Slightly different - but just know you aren't alone.

On the bright side, if those stories are true, you must be alpha as fuck

2019-03-08T13:19:06+00:00

Damn Any woman would want to marry you as you are physically attractive by the sounds of it but with a good nature that wants substance in a relationship over casual no strings attached fun. Good man

Warrior_King02 · 2019-03-08T08:58:34+00:00

If you watch too much porn or jack off too much you will develop ED

youcantdenythat · 2019-03-08T11:29:31+00:00

Read the side bar, every guy feels like this until he realizes that women are not magical beings that will make him happy.

We see naive guys in asktrp daily saying this stuff. They're basically all lying to themselves that someone else is going to come along and love them and complete them. But life isn't like a disney movie, and the only female who may be able to love you like that is your mom.

Once a boy realizes (hopefully sooner than later) that this fantasy comes from perspective of youthful ignorance, he can start working to be a man that can build himself into someone that women will actually want to be with.

Then, once he does that he will still have to sort through alot of women to find one that is worthy of an ltr.

But here's the catch. Once he finds a good woman will he have enough experience with women to be able to keep this one around? Will he be strong enough for her to keep her from cheating on him or turning into something from deadbedrooms?

If you don't have enough practice with enough women then you will not be able to keep a good woman once you find one.

You're going to have to learn to prioritize your life putting yourself first. You need to build yourself into the man that you should be including all the advice from the sidebar and that includes experience with many women.

Pedestalizing a relationship, or a woman, or anything besides yourself will only lead to heartache. You can take my advice or you can learn the hard way. Most guys have to learn the hard way.

ex_addict_bro · 2019-03-08T07:34:10+00:00

You look for external validation. Also personal advice questions should go to AskTrp

Sake99 · 2019-03-08T09:51:34+00:00

As popular notion of earlier men spreading their genes everywhere carelessly is far from truth, they used to maintain a pack of females, it wasn't just hit and go. Use your common sense, don't women require physical protection from predetors when they were pregnant? And hadn't had men bond with those females who were part of the pack? If not, how could they ensure that offspring's would survive without his protection. Your experiencing this because you may be spreading your seeds but you are not bonding with pack of females. Sadly , the marriage has become difficult and polygamy impossible.

TheDevilsAdvokaat · 2019-03-08T10:29:04+00:00

No, it's me too.

In fact I have never had casual sex in my life (A one night stand, I guess?)

I think the shortest I ever knew a girl before sex was about 3 months.

I have a brother who would pick up girls in a disco, fuck them outside in the carpark, then walk back in again. Some of them were pretty too.

But it wasn't for me.

Goddamnhologram · 2019-03-08T10:48:37+00:00

I would be concerned that drugs or alcohol might exacerbate the issue. If you are using pot this may be affecting you mentally whenever you wind up in these situations. Are there any common variables involving intoxication? And from your anecdotes its sounds like women are usually the initiators of sexual interest. Im guessing you are quite attractive for them to pursue you so aggressively. Maybe you don't like the feeling of being the "prey" so to speak. You want to have more control in sexual scenarios. Were you abused as a child? (No need to answer). But if you were maybe some counseling might help resolve past issues.

washington_breadstix · 2019-03-08T12:15:16+00:00

Do you watch a ton of porn and jack off? It's such a common addiction but no one acknowledges it as one... and it causes erectile dysfunction.

IV-IVm-I · 2019-03-08T12:44:07+00:00

50% of the time I'm in the same boat. Depends on my mindset and my personal emotional health at the time.

2019-03-08T13:12:51+00:00

110% me. Glad I read this post and found someone else out there. Casual sex seems empty and unfulfilling but completely doable. It’s like if I don’t see long-term potential in a potential partner, I am not as turned on.

A big caveat is perhaps this is just oneitis rearing it’s ugly head in a very insidious and subtle way. It’s entirely possible. However it’s also unhealthy to second guess or doubt yourself constantly. This post is very comforting and pretty validating.

Red pill philosophies are valuable to some extent but I just don’t see myself “spinning plates”. It sounds cool but I want to experience it for the sake of experiencing new things and not for its perceived pleasure.

downvotesanimals · 2019-03-08T13:56:45+00:00

Yes, people's opinions vary. This is normal.

Accurate_Replacement · 2019-03-08T14:16:33+00:00

no offense op but stop jacking it for 2 weeks you will begging girls lol

Bonesteel50 · 2019-03-08T14:28:29+00:00

Yeah I'm the same way dude. Its really hard for me to sleep with someone I just met.

ChrimsonChin988 · 2019-03-08T08:29:46+00:00

Idk bro. That perspective is so alien to me I can't even imagine. Maybe it's a hangup maybe it's not. You're the only person who can figure that out. Some cunts in here saying "you're just wired that way" after reading a couple of anecdotes are completely talking out of their ass.

DerudOnlyone · 2019-03-08T08:12:42+00:00

I think that it depends on your approach to relationships. I was out with friends, and two of our girls were out smoking. I came to talk and talking excited funny shit. They were laughing And I came with ide let's be couple of three first in town and maybe in country. I asked them if the kissed each other and they shyli sad no. After I kissed one and looked at the second. She panicked and went away. Point is. She was attractive like 7/8,but I didn't have connection and felt nothing while her tong in my mouth. Maybe am just romantic :D Ps sorry for my unideal English

Best_Chorizo · 2019-03-08T08:19:31+00:00

What doesn't makes sense to me is why you don't try with this girls ? You think you already figured out that they're not suitable for a long term relationship ? That early ?

You know that sex is a HUGE part of a relationship right ?

iknowthewhey · 2019-03-08T12:55:12+00:00

Sounds like the underlying issue here is porn addiction.

hazaraMoghul · 2019-03-08T11:38:14+00:00

Dr. Red pill here. You are blood culture is indicating increased bitcch hormone. You make a nice husband. Congrats

iqbal002 · 2019-03-08T08:26:45+00:00

This should be on asktrp because you definitely don't know about red pill that much and you may have some emotional thing going on in your head and I also don't like that everyone here is trying to be so politically correct , dude !! this sub is already quarantined for a reason .

Title	I do not enjoy casual sex. Are some men just not wired for casual sex, or is this a mental hangup?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	167
Comments	80
Date	March 8, 2019 5:41 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/aympyr/i_do_not_enjoy_casual_sex_are_some_men_just_not/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/i-do-not-enjoy-casual-sex-are-some-men-just-not.1181062 https://theredarchive.com/post/1181062

Comments