I can't cope with my non-RPW past

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-04-06T15:32:32+00:00

Here are the facts:

You're 18. You've had one unhealthy relationship. You're a virgin who sent some nude photos.

If you leave out all the dramatic details, of which the impact will fade in time, you're just... normal. Nothing about this is so utterly horrifying that you're even out of the ordinary, let alone ruined. Most people aren't virgins on their wedding night. Yes, even Christians. You can still find a good Christian man who will accept your past.

For perspective, I was once a morbidly obese 23-year-old divorcee, with a lot of trauma from the relationship. I spent the next few years getting myself into a better physical, mental, and financial state. I figured out what I really wanted and made myself the kind of woman who could go and get it. Right now, I'm holding my four-month-old son while my twin one-year-olds play on the floor in front of me. I just scheduled the baby's baptism, because my husband and I are relatively devout Christians.

You're 18. You have five more years than I did. You will be fine. Just take some time to work on yourself and make better decisions from here forward. Only date men who are suitable for marriage. Don't do anything sexual until you're committed. Even then, don't do things that you don't want to do. Any man who has a problem with that can go kick rocks.

gtsio541 · 2023-04-06T15:05:48+00:00

It's important to recognize that you are not defined by your past actions. You are not "dirty" or "impure" because of the choices you made in your past relationship. You are a human being who is capable of growth, change, and forgiveness. It's okay to acknowledge and take responsibility for your actions, but it's also important to extend yourself grace and compassion.

It's also important to understand that you are worthy of a healthy, loving relationship with a good, Godly, and providing husband. You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and love. Your past does not determine your worthiness for a fulfilling relationship. It's okay to have standards and expectations for the type of relationship you want, and to seek out a partner who aligns with your values and desires for a Godly relationship.

You are just 18 years old with a bright future ahead and should be proud of yourself. It's important to focus on yourself, stay healthy, take care of your well-being by going to the gym an engaging in activities that make you happy, and continue to follow your religious beliefs and focus on meaniful relationships.

RatchedAngle · 2023-04-06T14:20:28+00:00

It’s okay to be unhappy with your past actions. However, living in shame will offer no benefit to your future relationships. This shame will affect your ability to express yourself sexually with your future husband. Because I can tell you’re already starting to think of yourself as “not pure,” and that shame will blare bright red when you’re getting intimate with your future husband. It will put a wall between you and him.

As I said, it’s okay to be unhappy. It’s okay to wish you hadn’t done that. But feminine women are, above all else, gracious and kind and compassionate.

I urge you to show compassion and graciousness toward your past self. She was naive and vulnerable and she made some mistakes - we don’t shame our children, we help them grow. So start by being kind to yourself because one day your children will make mistakes and they will need that kindness from you. Now is a good time to practice :)

I would suggest some self-care and a nice spa day. Listen to some music and truly get reconnected with your body. This is your body. He didn’t take anything from you - you are still you. Get some nice cozy pajamas and your favorite snacks and show some love and honor to the body that’s keeping you alive and will one day carry your children.

Your future husband will be a man who understands and forgives your past and doesn’t shame you (because a man who does do those things shouldn’t become your husband, you see?)

It wasn’t your job to heal your ex. Men who don’t want help will never accept it. Instead focus right now on healing yourself and accepting your own help.

You’ll be okay, OP. I promise. Big hugs and love from a woman who’s a little bit older than you and has been through some tough times - I got through it and found a wonderful husband. You will too :)

tambourine_goddess · 2023-04-06T16:59:42+00:00

From on Christian to another (who has been exactly where you are re: the shame and self-loathing)

You MUST forgive yourself. The Bible teaches that if we ask for forgiveness and are truly repentant, Jesus will always forgive. This is not a surprise to Him; He loves you just as much now as He did then. Ask God to show you how HE sees you because we are to renew our minds to see like Christ... NOT like how we see.

I'm not saying that you can do whatever and it's fine because you're forgiven, obvs (Romans 8), but what I AM saying is that God works all things together for the good of those that love him (more Romans 8).

I want to encourage you in this: I found myself in an AWFUL relationship a few years back. I KNEW it was not what God wanted for me, but I was so starved for love and affection that I let it happen. When it ended, I had so much shame and realized that I had to make my peace with the idea that men may not want me after that. But God, in His infinite mercy, brought me an absolutely amazing man. He took those ashes and turned them into something incredible (Isaiah 61). In doing so, my relationship with God is better than it ever has been, because I know what it's like to feel dirty and used, and He saw me in that state and said "I love you and see you as beautiful."

I genuinely do believe He can and will do the same for you. The most important thing is to process through the anger/shame etc, ask for forgiveness, and for Him to show you who HE thinks of you to be, and what HIS best is for your future relationship.

You're not worthless. You are worth even more than you know.

SecretFeminine · 2023-04-06T14:49:50+00:00

We all learn hard lessons and some of them are harder than others. You learned a lot and now it’s time to work on those boundaries and non-negotiables. Your wisdom came at a price but you can apply it to future relationships. As a former single mother in her 30s (I think the single most slammed group in rp world), I married an amazing man. It works, whether you’re an 18 year old virgin or a 30 something executive.

buni223 · 2023-04-06T18:41:59+00:00

Ok so when I was a little older than you, I was in a similar situation. I never slept with him or did anything with him besides kiss a few times but I was in a very similar boat to you regarding some of the other stuff you mentioned. And when you say nightmares, I know exactly what you’re talking about and feeling. Same thing happened to me.

It would actually surprise you how many girls have done stuff like this, not even trying to be camgirls but essentially ending up that way even though they wanted a relationship with whatever guy. It’s because our generation grew up on the internet. Don’t feel like you’re alone in this because you’re not.

First of all, what helped me initially was therapy. I had to go talk to someone to relieve myself of what I felt guilty about. This helped me unload a lot of shame that I was carrying around. When this happened, I started praying again. I realized how silly it had been to think that I was undeserving of even asking God for guidance because if there is anyone who is there for us at times like these, it’s Him.

Secondly, I had to work on repairing my self image and esteem. I got back into skills and hobbies I had before, started delving into my faith more, cut out a lot of people who weren’t good from my life. Dressed way more modestly and went to the gym a lot. It was like going nun mode but much more profoundly. I got away from literally everything and everyone and focused on nurturing myself.

The guy I’m with now asked me once if I had ever done anything like what you mentioned. I answered honestly with a “yes”. He didn’t press me for details or ask me who the guy was. I wouldn’t tell him the details even if he wanted to know. It would be like if I pressed him about every salacious thing he’s ever done with his exes — would a wise man tell his girlfriend all of the details? In my experience, the answer is no. The right man will see your worth and value as long as you’ve put effort into yourself and changing your old ways. And you should be honest with him but don’t think you have to spill your guts out.

Also, you’re a virgin until you’ve had sex. That’s what a virgin is. And 99% of my Christian friends didn’t wait until marriage and/or they did send nudes to their boyfriends before marriage so it’s not like you’re dirty or impure, you’re just a young woman growing up and learning as you go. Even when you lose your virginity, you won’t be impure. Plus the older you get, the less guys care that much about something minor like this.

I hope my advice and anecdotes help. Shame and guilt are the lowest emotions you can feel, imo. I hope you can find a way to simply reconcile your past and realize your true value. And since you’re getting back into the church, I think it’s so important to fully recognize that God is always there, waiting to hear everything you have to say. It’s okay to make mistakes. Literally everyone does. It’ll be okay, you’ll find your way, and you’ll also find people who value and love you even if you don’t feel deserving right now.

Dehydrated_Jellyfish · 2023-04-06T17:00:09+00:00

You are being really unfair to yourself. If you have confessed to god and a believer, he will forgive you. Then you have to forgive yourself. You are a virgin. Sending pictures doesn’t change that. The things you did are very tame. You are still a good girl. Eventually you will be married and will do very sexual things with your husband. If you give yourself trauma over this, you may sexually struggle later in a marriage when your husband wants to be sexually flirtatious. Please don’t try to block this out or pretend it never happened. A good godly man will still accept you knowing your a virgin who was pressured into sending pictures. But blocking it out will cause problems later. It’s ok, we make mistakes. We are humans unable to be perfect. You’re still a good girl.

hadyayasmin · 2023-04-06T18:09:26+00:00

As someone whose 19 as well, we all make mistakes. I sent pictures to a few men in my past, but never met with them or had sex with them, pretty inexperienced as well. The best thing to do is keep pushing forward and not repeating those mistakes. A good man will understand you were young and havent done it in a while. Good luck❤️

jenna_grows · 2023-04-06T16:15:26+00:00

This sounds like a Christian issue more than a RP issue. I’m not saying you won’t find help here as there are many Christian / trad-women on this page, but it sounds like you need some religious guidance.

I’m not religious myself, but I do think having someone you know and respect who can give you guidance and keep you strong in your faith and remind you that God’s love is the most important love may be good for you.

My mum had that in my dad’s uncle (a religious leader in the community) and aunt (his wife who was of the same disposition but not a leader). They both helped and guided her in her journey along God’s path in different ways.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2023-04-06T20:29:16+00:00

A. Don’t torture yourself.

B. Yes, you are still a virgin, even if you sent photos. Adults play indoor sports. As an aside, I’ve seen a lot of nudes - and received some that I haven’t even asked for. I am 💯 certain that there are nudes of most girls I have dated floating around out there. Not my problem. Why? I also have a hobby as an amateur photographer. I’ve taken nudes of women I have dated and I have also done “boudoir” photography of women I know, for their own use - once you photograph one girl and manage not to be skeevy abt it (no unnecessary touching - if I have to touch a girl during a shoot I excuse myself to the girl - multiple comfort checks, rest breaks, robe for when we are not shooting, etc.) the line starts forming. So, based on that experience, I can authoritatively say: Any man who releases nudes that were sent to him in confidence is a MASSIVE d-bag. He is, not the girl who trusted him.

C. Forget the past, remember the lesson.

D. Do NOT torture your next bf over what this guy did to you. It’s not his fault.

E. Srsly. Don’t torture yourself.

Ok_Guest2272 · 2023-04-06T19:30:01+00:00

I have a gut-wrenching dread of the day when if I do find an amazing guy, I have to be honest with him about the things I sent, and I feel like I can't even call myself a virgin anymore because I don't feel pure.

You should really read this.

https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/j3mlf4/so_what_if_youve_had_a_lot_of_partners/

https://archive.is/rPTaN

Jazzlike-Emu-9235 · 2023-04-07T00:46:18+00:00

I went through a very similar situation as you. When you're in a relationship that's emotionally abusive you don't see it as such. That's the whole point of that abuse. I remember when it ended and it felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders and I didn't even realize how much it effected me. It took me quite a while to not get incredibly embarrassed when one of those memories came into my mind.

There's no point in living in the past. It's easier said than done but it's true. Part of growing up is to also learn how to put your past in the past and not care too much what others think. You are a new person and it's unfair to give yourself grief over something you won't do again. The right man will understand that you have 'been reborn ' for a lack of better terms.

Individual_Code8342 · 2023-04-07T07:05:46+00:00

You need to work on your emotional states, before you can hope to get into a relationship. If you can't accept yourself, how do you expect another person. Random stranger at that to accept you. Forgive yourself but don't use that as an excuse to not work on yourself.

MuttonDressedAsGoose · 2023-04-07T09:02:10+00:00

The point of Christianity is to not be shackled to our past mistakes and sins. Mary Magdalene was a fallen woman who, after her conversion, became the first person to encounter the risen Christ. Not even his own mother - a virgin - had that honour.

Today is Good Friday. Spend this weekend in prayer and reflection on the sacrifice of Christ on the cross. Pray through tomorrow, as He is in the tomb, and come Sunday morning celebrate the assurance that your sins (which are minor and perfectly normal human foibles) were conquered on the cross and have been fully redeemed in the Resurrection.

If forgiving ourselves were easy, Christ could have spared himself the pain of the cross. But He did not die so that we could beat ourselves up. That's Satan whispering shit in your ear because he doesn't want you to be happy. God very much does want you to be free and happy.

"Whenever the devil reminds me of my past, I remind him of his future."

Seattleforever · 2023-04-07T17:04:20+00:00

I don't know the entire story. You say you did some disgusting things but nothing that you mentioned in the post is nearly as disgusting as the kind of stuff a lot of people do these days. Sending nudes and getting intimate before marriage may not be the most ideal thing when it comes to being virtuous, but its not disgusting so you still have a chance.

A lot of men these days even high value red pill men idealize virginity and purity but they are also aware that its rare to find this in the world we live in. You said you sent nudes to one guy. That's not the worst thing in the world. Its not ideal but its not the worst.

Just don't do it again unless you're married.

cluelessgirl111 · 2023-04-07T21:42:36+00:00

sister, you are very young. a bit chronically online too, in the real world, you are still a virgin, who explored things with her at the time boyfriend, for whatever reason, you took a choice. now you can just see it as you self exploring with the person you at the time loved, or just had affection for. you can’t really blame him or yourself that “he wasn’t the one”. for whatever reason, you did it, and it’s past now. what you can do it’s to learn and move forward.

it’s harmful to not allow yourself to live and step on bumps here and there. you should give yourself more credit for realizing that guy wasn’t good for you and that you didn’t want to continue like that. now you can focus on other things!:)

i’m also christian and you MOST remember that God loves you so very deeply regardless of your mistakes, i see you repent, so God has forgiven you, forgive yourself too and move on. return to God and self reflect. you are so young, beautiful and bright, and you have a future waiting for you<3

Agreeable-Comedian24 · 2023-04-06T14:45:12+00:00

A lot (not all, but a lot) of women did stupid stuff in their teens and twenties. You are not alone. No amount of shame or guilt can undo the past. You’ve learned a lot from this experience, embrace that and move forward.

Also, you do not have to tell any future partner or husband that you sent pictures or anything else to this man. You are not obligated to share anything you don’t want to.

AutoModerator · 2023-04-06T14:09:39+00:00

Title: I can't cope with my non-RPW past

Full text: I feel like I'm unworthy of the type of life and the type of man I want. I would like a good, Godly, providing husband, but I feel so much guilt, shame, and disgust for myself due to my past.

I (18F) entered my first relationship with a guy almost a year ago. He had no ambition, no plans for marriage, and he was fighting a lot of mental demons, but he was just there. He was a friend that started calling me babe one day, and me having turned 18 and thus being granted the freedom to date, I just accepted it.
In our whole relationship, he just treated me awfully, he was very emotionally abusive, but somehow I found a way to romanticize it and say that he only did the things he did because he cared about me.
I made myself think that it was real love, and while it was my plan to save myself for marriage, I gave in to sending him nudes not even that far into the relationship. Looking back I barely even stood my ground, I let him push me into doing more, and more until I was essentially his personal camgirl, performing things I'd never even known about before for him.
It wasn't a Godly relationship, and he wasn't a good guy, but at the time I was just eager to have a boyfriend.
Thankfully several months in, I somehow came back to God. I also stumbled across RPW and decided I wanted something different for myself, but I felt so much guilt for giving a part of myself to him, that I clung on tighter to him. Our relationship was in shambles at that point but I convinced myself that If I could make it to marriage with him, it would all be okay. I tried changing him, I tried getting him mental help, pushing him to want to be something more in life, and converting him to Christianity, but he wouldn't budge.
When I finally let go, I felt like a failure, and to this day I still feel dirty.
I've had so many nightmares of the things I sent him resurfacing, and whenever I think of what I did, I feel physically sick.
I have a gut-wrenching dread of the day when if I do find an amazing guy, I have to be honest with him about the things I sent, and I feel like I can't even call myself a virgin anymore because I don't feel pure.
I really do want to move forward and have a wonderful husband and family one day, but I feel so incredibly undeserving, I don't know what to do.

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aussiedollface2 · 2023-04-07T03:32:35+00:00

Gal. You are def beating yourself up over this unnecessarily. You’re 18 and had one dodgy relationship.

Title	I can't cope with my non-RPW past
Author	chxcolatewings
Upvotes	21
Comments	29
Date	April 6, 2023 2:09 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/12dlj6q/i_cant_cope_with_my_nonrpw_past/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-cant-cope-with-my-non-rpw-past.1212920 https://theredarchive.com/post/1212920

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