How to stop blaming yourself

captainchippsixx · 2023-05-24T22:35:04+00:00

Take the red pill brother. You be surprised when you reflect back what you figure out what she lacked. And that you were the nice guy and predictable.

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2023-05-24T21:15:30+00:00

By moving on and by blaming her

CrazySanta7 · 2023-05-24T11:53:16+00:00

This sounds cliche, but leave the past in the past. Every 'failure' brings opportunity to learn and grow. Figure out your part of the marriage demise and work on those things. Mine cheated, but at the end of the day....there were things i could have done better (i will never forgive her cheating). I became a nice guy in marriage. I stopped my hobbies, gym, hanging out with friends, etc. You can sit around and blame yourself, but your time is better spent making improvements in your body, career, financially, etc. Be honest with yourself and write down 3 goals to achieve by end of year.

No_Analyst_5235 · 2023-05-24T11:11:34+00:00

It depends on the circumstances of your divorce. If you cheated, yeah, if she did hell no.

I know I did things wrong but I don't blame myself. She was the catalyst and the one who felt it was better to talk to others about our marriage instead of me to try and work things out.
When issues in your marriage are being discussed behind your back, nothing good will ever come of it. They might as well just file right then and there.

Acceptable_Photo6956 · 2023-05-24T07:23:44+00:00

It's hard to own what could have been different. What you could have done but didn't do to save the relationship. I spent a lot of time looking through that window. Read a few books listened to a few podcasts. All you can do is carry the weight of what was yours to carry, and put down anything that might have been thrust upon you. If you were loyal loving kind considerate patient and your other went off to go find another because being married to you wasn't the life ful of adventure that they were hoping for, that's on them. You don't gotta carry any part of that. If you look inside yourself and your relationship, and know you were absent or cold and cruel or domineering to the point of intolerably. Then that's the weight you carry. But you can only own yourself. Don't go beyond that to save them anything. You don't owe them that.

dnbndnb · 2023-05-24T04:52:02+00:00

If your marriage dissolved because you were a cheater, a physical abuser, a drunk, a perpetual stoner or the like, okay. If you can look yourself in the mirror and say to yourself “I was a good man”, then don’t you dare blame yourself.

Marriage is a complex union that can have plenty of fault on both sides. If the communication is failing, or like in my marriage stifled to as not to offend buttercup, then there clearly were issues on both ends that neither party was properly addressing. Remember, it takes two to tango as they used to say.

Do I recognize my faults in our marriage? Absolutely. Was i partly to blame? Absolutely. Could I have done better in several areas? Absolutely. Was i a selfish, insecure teenager masquerading as an adult? Nope, that was her. And she destroyed us.

Two years is a good long time to be introspective and reflective in an honest fashion of the good and bad times. If you didn’t pull the crap I started this post with, you should have learned by now you’re clearly not the only one “at fault”.

The_Bearded_Cyclist · 2023-05-24T04:16:34+00:00

Some people just aren't compatible. If you did everything you could to be a good husband then you have nothing to be guilty about. If you made mistakes then just learn from them and be the best man possible for the next lady.

Work on yourself so the next girl wants you and the last girl regrets losing you.

The_Usual_Suspect__ · 2023-05-24T02:59:59+00:00

Man I'm driving home with this thought. You aren't the only one champ. Idk man, I can't fight this guilt. Ugh let me know what you figure out..

Certain-Line-6351 · 2023-05-24T02:04:14+00:00

There’s two people in a relationship and there’s normally more than one reason why it ended. So no you need to blame yourself for the problems that you create it. And the best bet is to better yourself and fix those things if you ever are in a relationship again they are not a problem.

xosto · 2023-05-24T01:06:29+00:00

Blame and accountability are two concepts that get mixed up.

Were there things you were accountable for? Absolutely. Was it your fault or do you deserve blame? Usually not.

Nobody is perfect. But you don't have to be perfect to have a relationship. If you tried and they quit before you could address your shortcomings that's out of your control. Accept that you can't control the results. And accept that they're doing what they think is right for them even if it is probably objectively wrong. That's why they're imperfect.

Once you get used to the idea that everyone makes mistakes including in relationships you'll learn to treat it like spilled milk. It's going to happen, it just happens to be your turn

No_Application_2807 · 2023-05-24T00:55:16+00:00

Going through it now. Trying to learn the same thing buddy.

Listening to podcast and YouTube videos. Trying to stay busy.

fewdo · 2023-05-24T00:21:38+00:00

Well, did she communicate with you in a way that worked for you?

Title	How to stop blaming yourself
Author	Atzukeeper
Upvotes	9
Comments	19
Date	May 23, 2023 11:36 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/13q4nt1/how_to_stop_blaming_yourself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-to-stop-blaming-yourself.1220144 https://theredarchive.com/post/1220144

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