Talk some sense into me

Gattsama · 2023-08-26T09:25:14+00:00

Man that's just life. Try to remember that you are not in love with this woman. You are in love with the idea of her. The delusion that you have created in your mind of who she is. That delusion and that person were a huge part of your life. And finding out that delusion was false is a HUGE blow to your psyche. Like a drug addict, you know this drug is no good. But you have these feelings and cravings.

The goal is to always remain in control. To remind yourself that these feelings are false, and based on a false delusion. And that acting on these false feelings will result in very real harm!

In my case together 17 years, married 12 years, no kids, I was a virgin when we meant. I ultimately filed for divorce. But I was emotionally and mentally fucked up. My sleep was horrible (and still isn't back to normal 10mo post divorce). I want everything to be fine, and to be fine now. But it's not. I don't get to pick the schedule of my healing. That's like saying: "my Dad died Monday, I'll grieve really hard Tues-Thurs, and then Fri take a trip to NY." You can not control the rate of your healing. Just have to keep making choices to heal.

I was in a very unhealthy, unloving, unsupportive, emotionally/mentally abusive relationship. I was simping hard and over working everything. I want to be completely emotionally dead towards her, total indifference. And in a way I'm nearly there, but I still don't sleep right. I'm apprehensive around females. I have trust issues. I still sometimes cry for no stupid reasons.

I am way better now then I was. And tomorrow I'll be better still. One day I'll be completely over this. But that's not today. I don't get to control when it happens. I just need to keep moving forward. Don't worry about the milestones, what you are suppose to feel, or how much time as gone by. As you said you are doing way better! Just focus on continuing to move forward. This isn't a set back, it's just reality. It is good that it happened. It tells you where you are in the recovery process.

Be safe out there...

robinhoodblows2021 · 2023-08-26T06:35:12+00:00

Happens to all of us... Only remembering the good things/times.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2023-08-26T10:07:32+00:00

Well you’re clearly still in love with version 1.0 that you married, not version 2.0 which is the demonic version you got during marriage. Both versions look exactly the same on the outside but unfortunately version 1.0 has been discontinued and no longer in stock anywhere, not even EBay. Version 2.0 might act like 1.0 sometimes but only if it wants something from you. Other than that 2.0 would prefer it if you were dead and will go out of its way to smear you and make your life as horrible and difficult as possible.

Men are wired for visual stimulation when it comes to women so your first mistake was doing this in person. If you happen to come across anymore of her stuff either drop it nicely on her porch, ring the doorbell and walk away or ship it to her. Don’t under any circumstances get into a situation where you look at her or interact with her until you’ve reached a point of complete indifference.

ThinlyDisguised · 2023-08-27T01:15:42+00:00

I highly recommend to men once divorce starts looking like a possibility, pop open the notes app on your phone or equivalent. Every time she does something that truly offends you or is wrong, make a one or two sentence note to yourself. If you stick to it, you may be surprised how fast that list adds up.

Then, after you file your divorce, when you have those "weak moments", pull up that list and read through all the shit she put you through. That'll help with any conflict of mind, if you were good with your notes.

HereinPA1 · 2023-08-26T09:03:28+00:00

I can imagine how hard that must have been. I posted a similar request a couple weeks ago. I have been holding onto who she was for so long and my memories are of the good times. I have to snap myself out of it by remembering just how cruel she was to me leading up to the day she told me she was done and how little I must have really meant to her as she has completely moved on. My god, I was at home last night watching baseball and she went out of town with her sisters to party it up.

We glamorize who we fell in love with and married and not the person they are now. It’s so weird, all she could do was bring up the negatives about our relationship and all I could do was bring up the positives.

I did see her last week and I was lucky enough to really not feel anything about her. I just saw the selfish person she is now that walked out on our marriage and broke apart our family.

So, no real words of wisdom accept maybe concentrate on those hateful things that she said to you, the lies and fighting. That’s who she is, not the image you have in your head.

Worth-Prompt195 · 2023-08-26T14:13:49+00:00

Feeling connected to love is a good thing. Really anger and resentment are old way of dealing with life.

Allow yourself to feel love and see the woman you fell in love with… and bless both of you, and move on.

Then take this new guy and find someone that also knows how to love.

gudachi · 2023-08-27T14:54:41+00:00

You are creating a future fantasy life with her in your head. I have done this many times and come to realize these thoughts are not reality. If she had run out of the house, cried and said I'm so sorry for everything, and you are the love of my life, then maybe you could say there was something different. She is just manipulating you to see if you are still attached.

In other words, snap out of it! 😉

DocHolliday80 · 2023-08-26T11:38:43+00:00

These divorce milestones (splitting, filing, returning things, finalizing divorce,…) are somehow supposed to be felt as goals you meet and when you get to accomplish them, you expect to feel good,… in my experience not all of them feel good.

I was shot down when my divorce was final this year in January, I was more depressed than during separation and ongoing proceedings. No “happy sock day” bullshit people say, no “just divorced party” with friends, it felt like a disappointment that something that started with so much joy ended this way, with some signatures and some money exchanged.

It is normal to feel down when you experience things like you say, as it is also normal to feel good, we are all different and do not feel the same in the same circumstances

lyricbaritone2 · 2023-08-26T08:51:36+00:00

Yeah, you love this woman idealisticaly. You love the good parts of her. Recognize the nasty ahit you dealt with after the love bombing and insane amount of sex went away. I get the same feelings at times when my ex wife calls me in a spiraling depression or when she is really nice to me when when we have spent time together since the total separation. But the next time I see her she treats me like garbage. So don't fall for the feelings. Be objective and be selfish. Protect yourself at all times.

aquatone61 · 2023-08-26T11:16:22+00:00

The axe forgets but the tree remembers. It is normal to have feelings buried deep down.

Kerry120 · 2023-08-26T07:46:06+00:00

Don't simp out on us, bro

BlessedAF-FR · 2023-08-26T09:59:38+00:00

I don’t know what the fuck you want us to say. She doesn’t want you anymore. Move on.

Fuck. I can kinda see why she left you, cry baby ass.🙄🤦‍♂️

berniefl44 · 2023-08-26T12:58:15+00:00

I’ve always wondered how that feeling would feel like after not seeing a person for over a year and then seeing them again ? Maybe a nervous feeling or a feeling of indifference…. I just don’t know which feeling it would feel like ?

Acceptable_Photo6956 · 2023-08-29T00:35:54+00:00

The heart has a blind spot. You don't have to live dwelling on your mistreatment but trust someone who knows..if you allow yourself back down that rabbit hole.. your opening the door for more mistreatment. There's a part of you that will always see the version of your ex that you married. For good or I'll it will exist. But in a little bit when your place is not all cluttered up with their things. That sense of accomplishment will find you.

Title	Talk some sense into me
Author	Grand-Expression-493
Upvotes	15
Comments	16
Date	August 26, 2023 6:15 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/161n2ov/talk_some_sense_into_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/talk-some-sense-into-me.1229820 https://theredarchive.com/post/1229820

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