My daughter (16) won't talk to me. Her mother says give her time.

Initial_Topic_4989 · 2024-01-16T17:28:18+00:00

Well, If objectively I didn't do anything wrong to deserve such treatment from my daughter, I would do the bare minimum. Many daughters in that situation take advantage of their father's desperation to have a relationship with them to get money from them

So I would do very little, and if she decides not to ever talk to me again, then whatever

VegasZac · 2024-01-16T16:37:47+00:00

Ugh, I’m sorry to hear that OP. My sister did this to my dad back in ‘96… hasn’t talked to him since. According to her he did horrible, unforgivable things, but has never elaborated on them. I grew up in the same household, and through the same divorce which happened about 2 years prior. I never observed unforgivable behavior. I also tend to think she’s full of crap because she started doing this, then when a previously planned trip to the UK was coming up 6 months into her behavior, she magically decided he wasn’t so bad. Only to go right back to shutting him out of her life the day we got back from that trip. He tried for years only to get stonewalled. I hope that’s not your situation but I’ve seen it happen.

I’m torn on my mother’s involvement. I’m going to say she likely didn’t outright encourage it, but also probably provided emotional support for my sister and definitely didn’t try to encourage her to maintain a relationship with our father.

It’s a horrible situation and I’ve always felt terrible for my dad. Bottom line is you cannot control others behavior, only your own. I hope your daughter deviates from the path she’s and welcomes you into her life again. Don’t stop trying.

Beamformer · 2024-01-16T16:14:33+00:00

I think all you can do is demonstrate unconditional love, where you can. Let her know that you want to be a part of her life and how important that is to you. Even if you fail, you will know that you did what you could.

EarlPronk2 · 2024-01-16T15:52:26+00:00

Your “wife” is absolutely playing into the way your daughter is acting. Don’t be a dope.

Understand and accept it, and stop with the mindset of “it’s me”

sicrm · 2024-01-16T15:21:36+00:00

some people said when they pulled back and stopped chasing their kid is when they actually started talking to them again.

it’s something to consider.

West-Start659 · 2024-01-16T14:45:52+00:00

Im on the same boat brother, its been 2 years of this and still in court, she prevented contact anytime she could then i filed for my daughter and she kept her from me since, and my daughter hates me now fathers day my birthday her birthday Christmas, you name it, for the last year and a half not a word or a call, like theyve held my funeral and pissed all over my headstone

RichardCleveland · 2024-01-16T14:19:14+00:00

I don't trust your wife. It's extremely common for parents to weaponize their children against each other. The fact that your 16 year old has been completely disconnected for so long is suspicious. What was the reason for the divorce? Depending on why and how things ended that could have some effect on how your daughter feels. If things were amicable and didn't include an affair, abuse etc. Then something more is going on here as by 16 she should be mature enough to kind of get it.

Did you tell her something like "Merry Christmas I love you" - Dad? Did she respond back, possibly with an "I love you too" if so? The good thing is that she DID respond. I assume if she hated you or wanted you completely gone she would've ignored it.

How much effort have you actually made (no offense)? Are there any interest that you share, or anything that she is obsessed over? If it were me I would try and plan something special out and start texting her about it. My daughter really wanted to go to a concert but had no way to do so. I got tickets and took her myself, it was a huge deal and brought us closer together.

Neither-Butterfly184 · 2024-01-16T13:35:14+00:00

I am wondering if your exwife is actually encouraging the distance when you’re not there.

QuestionsOnlyLeach · 2024-01-16T10:55:12+00:00

I lost two of my kids. It’s the ex in my case

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2024-01-16T06:02:35+00:00

Maybe it’s not your Ex, maybe it is.

Check out /Parentalalienation sub.

Also, it helps to share who started the divorce? Did anyone cheat? Could one identify be seen as being “at fault”? If daughter is closer to mom she is more likely to side w/ mom and want to protect her. Which means less of a relationship with you unfortunately.

As someone that has gone through this and then reconnected w/ alienated children several years later I would suggest 2-4 texts a week, keep it light and humorous, encouraging, funny or cute memes, that type of stuff. If you can and you are sure they will get to her, small hand written notes are nice. Again, nothing too deep. Just stuff like, “I love you and miss you and if you ever want to talk I will be glad to talk about whatever you would like.” Or, “I have such good memories of doing x with you, would love to do that again. Or if you want to try some new adventure let me know. I always enjoy our time together.” Maybe throw in some gum or candy that you know she likes.

Of course I would still remember and give gifts for birthdays, Christmas, little gift for V-day.

It might be a few months or years. If you can stick through it and play it right, there is a chance she may come around.

Buuuut, the stories I have read. I would not doubt your Ex has some input. Maybe not directly or intentionally but maybe she is talking / complaining too loudly on the phone at home to her mom or her girlfriends and your daughter hears. Or maybe your daughter sees you as the one leaving the family.

But my actions would stay pretty much the same.

Murky_Ranger23 · 2024-01-16T05:10:30+00:00

I’m in exactly the same boat mate, it seems the more effort I make with my 16 yr old the more stand-off ish she gets.

Fancy_Break_6130 · 2024-01-16T04:58:49+00:00

Do the bare minimum would be my advice. Birthday card and gift, xmas gift. Send a message on holidays and important events (be there for the important events).

Title	My daughter (16) won't talk to me. Her mother says give her time.
Author	Tiny_Ear_61
Upvotes	11
Comments	27
Date	January 16, 2024 4:48 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/197uc0w/my_daughter_16_wont_talk_to_me_her_mother_says/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/my-daughter-16-wont-talk-to-me-her-mother-says.1243097 https://theredarchive.com/post/1243097

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