Tactical withdrawal?

pk2at · 2024-01-28T22:36:10+00:00

You will lose in court as judges typically don't look into detail financial arrangements, if she lists it as a loan, the judge will simply divide by 2

SkeptiCynical · 2024-01-28T18:32:12+00:00

When you're arguing custody, make sure you make room for the distinction between legal custody and residential. You could have 50/50 custody and not primary residential custody, and you'd likely have to pay child support to the residential parent.

You might be in a good position to argue for 50/50 legal custody, primary residential custody (with child support going to you), and to tell her to pound sand over the $70k with no paper trail she owes her dad.

You're right to be concerned with legal fees when arguing the minutiae. Chances are good she doesn't care about those tools and furniture at all - it's a tactic to keep you off distracted and off balance. Keep focused on the big issues: custody (never settle for less than 50/50 and always fight for residential), that $70k (it sounds like a red herring and if it appears in her filings, your lawyer should raise the flag that this might be a fraudulent claim) and the house (if it's the marital home, make her buy you out)

Please take a look at the sidebar at old.reddit.com/r/divorce_men if you can't see it in the new UI. People can sue each other for anything in the US. It doesn't mean that they'll win. A huge majority of divorces are settled, not adjudicated. If she's not receptive to your proposal, it would be interesting to have her testify to the origins and conditions of that $70k.

reb832 · 2024-01-28T18:20:56+00:00

Ask to see the promissory notes for the loans. If they don’t exist, then it’s a gift, not a loan.

FUMoney · 2024-01-28T18:17:29+00:00

You need spousal support.

Particular_Car7127 · 2024-01-28T17:26:14+00:00

She makes almost double what you do, therefore you by far, are the economically disadvantaged in this divorce. Why are you not going for full custody with child support, the house, and alimony. Do you not realize the advantageous position you are/should be in divorce proceedings? Why in the world would you make concessions with her for marital debt when she makes double your income? What are we missing here! She is pulling ploys like this because she is not in the driver's seat because she is economically advantaged. Do you not have a strategy of what you want out of this divorce/non negotiables.

Reflog1791 · 2024-01-28T17:19:46+00:00

Use a game theory approach to get the best outcome for yourself and your children. Forget justice, operate for the best deal that helps your future self.

I wouldn’t entertain paying back even one cent of these “loans”. You didn’t sign up for a loan. There are no loan documents. As you said the texts show these aren’t loans in any sense. The judge won’t make you pay back a fake loan with no documents. Had they actually been loans you could’ve been paying them back during the marriage.

You’ll pay enough as is. Don’t feel guilty about negotiating for your future self.

You are correct you need to walk with something for a down payment on a house eventually.

You need to start negotiating a 60/40 $ deal in your favor. Then in crunch time walk it back to 50/50.

If you want 50/50 custody then hold firm on that. I’m of the mind that since I pay child support she can do more of the childcare hence I am fine with my 40/60 custody. CS doesn’t change with more parenting time in my state.

I would put your tools and possessions in storage or parents garage now. That was one mistake I made. Left it to good faith I would get my things that I couldn’t take when I moved out. They all vanished.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2024-01-28T16:58:06+00:00

I’m not sure how the laws work in your state but my guess is her push for full custody is financially motivated. If she earns double what you do and you do 50/50 custody she will almost certainly owe you child support. 50/50 is the hill you die on.

FYI I was in almost an identical dispute regarding money from family. My ex’s brother tried to hide inheritance money from his wife 5 years ago by having the full inheritance deposited to my ex’s bank account. At the time he and his wife were rocky. Little did he know that after blowing through her half of the inheritance, paid cash brand new SUV etc she also dipped into his quite a bit. I knew nothing about this until we got into the divorce process.

Initially she tried to claim the money was separate inheritance - I said ok fine but bank statements show that you spent most of it so it’s gone. Then she tried to claim is was actually a loan and the debt should be split between us. I flat out said no. At the end of the day she was fully responsible for paying back her brother which I doubt she has done or is even financially capable of doing so without going broke at this point. Either way it was her own separate debt. This was done through mediation.

AirSailer · 2024-01-28T16:53:12+00:00

This is a mess.

These loans she claims were taken to support our mortgage but were taken without my knowledge and spent frivolously over the last five years.

So you are saying you had no knowledge that this money was provided to her? Did you partake in any of the "frivolous" activities or items that this money purchased?

You need to demand 50/50 custody. You don't need to own a home, just rent. She owes you child support, don't back down.

Absolutely so not cash out your pension until after the divorce is finalized.

Men in society are pushed to "do the right thing" which usually means to give in to female demands, especially if they think it will make the divorce go more smoothly. Judges are predisposed to give women more than men, society views men as disposable. All of society is structured around shifting the wealth that men produce TO women. Women's bad behavior during divorce is basically ignored while men get slapped down left and right for simply standing up for themselves.

tragicaddiction · 2024-01-28T15:39:56+00:00

well in all fairness, if this was turned around and it was your parents who gave you $70k how would you feel in this situation?

in terms of material goods in the home, split that 50/50.. the value on stuff is much lower than you think as it should be based on what you could get on kijiji if you sold it

if you had stuff prior to the marriage you get to keep that first.. same with her.

financial situation shouldn't matter for custody.. since she is on the hook paying you alimony or is that not considered?

dont' give up on your kids, the financial stuff you can recover from but not time spent with your kids.

where is your ex going to live ? does she already have a house lined up?

Title	Tactical withdrawal?
Author	edr5619
Upvotes	8
Comments	30
Date	January 28, 2024 3:24 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ad50c7/tactical_withdrawal/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/tactical-withdrawal.1244008 https://theredarchive.com/post/1244008

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