Just need to rant and write out these thoughts:

Well today is the day that she’s moving out, I have no idea what she’s thinking. She doesn’t want to get a divorce and has made comments about hoping we work things out. She said at one point she wants to date again and that she wants to feel butterflies like when we first started dating, and giving me the whole “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” thing. She got a nice new apartment which is sorta shocking to me since she’s never offered to pay for half of the bills while with me granted she just started making a livable wage a year and a half ago. I think she’s getting some help from family possibly. I doing my best to pay the bills and save for a home like she said she wanted and a vacation. She complained that everything was on my timeline, but I was the main financial earner and with the low income and conflicts I would hear from her about her job I always kept it on the back of the mind she could end up with no job.

Can’t help but self reflect, I have bad moments and good ones. I’m leaning towards this isn’t my fault. Im starting to feel like I put her on a pedestal. I surrounded all my plans with her in mind. I cooked, cleaned, paid the bills. I was also the main one interacting with her starting conversations and also I noticed she took little interest in me like if I told her I did something or accomplished anything her responses would be a very generic “good job” she actually blamed my gym, work, school habits on her falling out of love with me yet when she did anything I would praise her, was she jealous? She would be annoyed if I got an ego and would purposely take embarrassing photos of me touch me inappropriately, like give me a titty flip or try to pinch me. She thought it was playful and maybe some of it could be, but it would cause me some anxiety because I would have to find ways to stop her without hurting anyone and sometimes it felt flat out disrespectful. Over these past several years I can’t think of anything she did to make my life easier besides companionship. Im going to miss that and its whats holding me back. I wish she would realize what she’s doing, but I cant help but feel like im becoming a plan B for her. I sent her flowers to work yesterday and she went out to eat with her friend instead of coming home to me and last night she didn’t come home until after midnight, not even looking at my short texts asking if shes coming home. I know if I say anything she’ll hit me with I didn’t know you wanted to do anything or I didn’t see your text. Like am I supposed to take all initiative and is there supposed to be no assumption that a husband wants to hangout with his wife on valentines day also you a screen in front of your face 24/7 its hard to believe that you don’t see my texts. I think she wants me to chase her or maybe blow up and give her validation to herself and her friends for leaving me. I will not do either I’ve decided, I will not blow up (even though it seems like it would feel nice) and I will not chase someone who is not reciprocal towards me. When I come home tonight to a half empty house, no dog or wife knowing she decorating her trendy new apartment having fun with her friends it might make me feel very cold inside and overpower any idea of hope for us. I think whats hard is remembering the good times, loneliness/abandonment, and this constant back and forth in my head of was it me was it her being more of the issue. Im not a social butterfly I enjoy the company of small circle of people I can be close to unfortunately at this age (31) everyone is busy with families, work, or they want to stay home. Being alone for the first time is going to be hard since my time and energy went towards her. In a way I think it might be good for me.

I tried my best with her while still trying to hold on to my own values and boundaries as man and human being. I was flawed and will always have flaws that will need constant attention, but I’m more than 50% certain after everything I did for her I don’t deserve this. I saved her from poverty, legal issues, a bad relationship, etc. gave her a home my family embraced her with open arms as one of their own. I attended to her needs took her on trips and gave her a gorgeous wedding. Just for her to leave me with her yahoo dramatic damage crew of friends. Some men would of blown up by now and kicked her out,