First Time Out, Crash and Burn!

Xeon06 · 2012-02-06T15:45:05+00:00

One woman who stopped on her way out told me, "Hun, I been watching you pace this club all night long, just ask any girl to dance and she is gonna say yes. It is what they came here for."

Haha, I think it's very cool that a girl stopped you to tell you that. Keep it up, it'll get easier.

carpeDeezNuts · 2012-02-06T16:15:03+00:00

"Why do we fall, Bruce?"

mytuppence · 2012-02-06T16:36:54+00:00

I like your line about how black men are quick to approach, as I am a black man myself.

I can only speak for myself on this one. Dancing is essentially the same as asking a girl for her phone number. It doesn't mean shit in the long run, but only 'may' lead to something else. You can put to much pressure on asking a girl to dance/get her number, and end up convincing yourself not to because you think it's this huge milestone that if you accomplish it actually means something, but it doesn't.

The woman who told you all the women are there to dance, it's true. Thy are there to dance, but not necessarily with you. I say this to you not to scare you, but let you know what's up sometimes. Sometimes they'll be there 'just' to hang out with the girls or like the power of turning men down, who knows. But because you get one no, doesn't mean you shouldn't stop asking others.

On the subject of asking women to dance, here is my best advice. If you see someone you might be interested in dancing with, keep an eye on them but do not hover around them, it's creepy. When you hear the current song ending, start making your approach, this guarantees at least a full song. Simply say, "Would you like to dance?" while holding out your hand. (I read somewhere the human brain is inclined to take something from another if it is held out for them to accept, and in this instance you are holding out your hand) Act, and don't react. Women always enjoy a man who leads during the dance. I wouldn't advice trying to have a conversation while dancing, the dance floor is for dancing. If you do want to talk, tell them you are tired and want to go sit down. If they are interested in talking with you, lead them to the place you're going by taking there hand and having them follow you.

Some more words of wisdom I've learned, but are a little more...less subtle. Don't hover hands!! Put your hands on her hips damnit. feel her body move. If you think she's really into you and down for something sexual, grab her ass. If she responds negatively, you might be wasting your time. (Happened to me the other weekend. Spent 2 hours dancing with this woman and she wouldn't let me grab her ass, and she eventually just left without a word.) Alcohol can be your friend and your worst enemy, have enough to loosen up, but that's it. Your confidence once you start dancing will do much more than alcohol would. And most importantly, have a good time. Your good vibe attracts others.

A lot to read, I was bored at work.

choc_is_back · 2012-02-06T15:17:52+00:00

One woman who stopped on her way out told me, "Hun, I been watching you pace this club all night long, just ask any girl to dance and she is gonna say yes. It is what they came here for."

Should have gotten this one's phone number, she sounds cool :-)

Anyway, congrats on taking these steps, keep it up and more good stuff shall come your way!

callmedood · 2012-02-06T21:15:31+00:00

I didn't read a crash and burn FR, I read a successful one.

preruntumbler · 2012-02-06T17:45:56+00:00

We've all been there. Practice = perfect

frogma · 2012-02-06T16:35:03+00:00

It's true. Black dudes are more likely to cat-call and shit, but they're also more likely to make moves in general. I grew up in a neighborhood that was predominantly black (and the city itself was pretty diverse). Every kid in my neighborhood had a "black" accent back then (including me), we followed "black culture"- it was cool to be black. Whereas the place I live now it's like the opposite (little sidenote: In my hometown, "nigga" was purely a term of endearment- people used it maliciously, but that was few and far between. Everyone called each other nigga, white or black. It wasn't till I moved to the new town that everyone was like "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" even though the people saying that were all white, and obviously don't have the same background).

But nowadays I go to a city on weekends that's more diverse, and some of the bars there are awesome- you get a mix of people, most of the guys aren't afraid to approach, and I can go up to any group and be accepted by them without even saying a word. There's definitely some racial tension sometimes, but that's mostly because some people tend to be assholes. Everyone else is cool.

At one bar I go to, they have a bunch of pool tables and shit like that. So all I really do there is go up to a girl (or two, or three), invite them to play with me (usually get some guys too), and we just play. I make a fool of myself because I suck at pool, but then I'm also joking around with everyone, we're all buying drinks for each other, and I go and dance with the girls (and sometimes more).

But then I go to other bars where it's all college-aged white kids, and I'm the only one in the place that has the guts to approach random girls. And then I basically do the same thing- invite people to play darts and shit, flirt with the girls in-between, bada bing bada boom.

My overall point- follow in those guys' footsteps. Make moves, and be unapologetic in your advances. Going to a big club by yourself can be really intimidating- that's why you should immediately open whatever groups you see and become a part of that group (if you need to). Just be friendly with those groups to the point where you're comfortable going back to them in between the other shit you're doing. Then go grind on some girls and make shit happen. I can't even remember any times where I grinded with a girl and wasn't able to make out with her (I'm sure there's been plenty of times where that's happened, but since I don't remember those times, it's not really a factor).

blitzik · 2012-02-06T16:53:02+00:00

Another thing to think about is that if she saw you pacing around all night, others saw it too. You don't want to look like the guy who's fumbling around with himself and doesn't know what to do. It's totally unattractive. When you get there, you want to look (BE) relaxed and in your element. Build towards being the most fun guy there, and your results will 180.

thewhitebear · 2012-02-06T15:13:31+00:00

I dont have too much feedback to give as Im mainly a learner and lurker on this sub, but I can definitely give you a pat on the back for getting out there. The first time is always nerve bending, frustrating and exhilarating all at the same. keep giving it a go, and keep talking to people, even if its waiting in line somewhere... just keeps the social tone and mood up so u dont freeze up as much. I can attest to the saying "fake it til ya make it"... eventually the real you will come through and you'll be on your way in no time. goodluck.

rpcrazy · 2012-02-06T19:49:39+00:00

As another black guy I definitely did not like that "black men are ____" line.

You say it as if it's genetic...I didn't all of a sudden go fucking pua-saiyan when I turned 18 and started hitting on females. Also the "It is what they came here for." statement is a gross reduction of the complexity of that event.

In any event, gratz on conquering some fear. Your general strategy of watching MEN do things without fear is a good one...try not to marginalize races because it makes you sound retarded. Sorry about your wife, and good luck to your vagina-hunting game in the future.

One bit of advice from reading your story, I can't quite put this into words, but soon enough you'll understand...Do you remember how comfortable you were with your wife? Conjure that feeling and literally apply it to whoever you're approaching as soon as you see them. Pretend that the person you're going up to is your wife(in the relationship's prime), but she doesn't know it yet...like you time traveled back to the time when you met her and she has no idea who you are. That's exactly how you should act/feel/pretend...To further help this stratagem, I would recommend paying a few hundred bucks for a month or two worth of improv comedy classes. Anyway, good luck to you and yours.

2012-02-06T18:58:30+00:00

My first 20ish time out were crash and burns. The only success i ever have in clubs is when i let out my mr Hyde. Untill i realized the only difference between me and my Mr. Hyde is Hyde is fearless. I still crash and burn sometimes but it becomes worth it when you do succeed.

ReplaceSelect · 2012-02-06T20:51:59+00:00

You learn more with crash and burns than the accidental successes. This didn't sound like a complete failure by any means. It was a big step and will get easier slowly.

2012-02-06T22:03:04+00:00

the key is, you did go out, danced, had some fun hopefully. do it again next week :)

2012-02-06T20:54:40+00:00

Just some advice for your next time:

Have a plan.

That is, know what to do when you enter the place. Make a path in your head:

First, I am going to queue, in the queue I am going to talk to random people about how long/short the queue is (make up somehting better), then I am going to hand my coat in, and then I am going to move to the bar upstairs, where I am getting a G&T. After that I am gonna hang at the bar and talk to people how awesome/bad the G&T is, and how I recommend it/how I would want a drink suggestion (make up another conversation starter/drink whatever).

You see? If you have a plan, you don't loiter around looking for opportunities. You look determined and sure of yourself. This puts you in a good state for approaches.

Good luck mate!

ps. Approach, approach, approach. Even guys. Random guys can be the most awesome wings ever. I promise you.

punisher1005 · 2012-02-06T21:54:22+00:00

Here is some golden Solo advice.

1) As soon as you enter the spot, say hello to everyone around you guys, girls, the bartender, etc. Waiting makes you seem creepy, and saying hello right away gives you instant connections to other people so you're not standing around wondering what to do next. Just say hello, be friendly and try to enjoy meeting people. You can scope sets as you socialize. Here is your opener, "Hi! You look like you're having fun. Why are you out tonight?" or "What brings you guys out tonight?" Then you can lead right into that saying, "Nice I am celebrating a promotion!" or some other bullshit. It doesn't matter. Just talk talk talk.

2) Focus less on the chicks and more on having fun. Everyone is out to have fun, and if you're not having fun, nobody is going to want to talk to you. I can't really stress having fun enough. If you go with the intention of just hanging out and meeting people, it will take the mental pressure off of you to escalate, allowing you to escalate more naturally.

3) Think about everyone as a potential friend first. This will make approaching way easier since you have major approach anxiety. If you like or want to escalate with a chick later, kinoing is the way. Grab her hand and pull her to a new location. Say "I want to show you this blah blah" or "I want you to meet my friend" or "Let's dance!" or "Let's grab a drink". Touch her elbow and pull her into you when you're talking. Little touching is really quite easy and natural when you think about it. Repeat this mantra, "touch equals escalation".

4) Don't get discouraged if you make a mistake. I tell all of my guy friends, "Nobody wins the lottery who didn't buy a ticket." Getting blown out happens to everybody. Do you think Hugh Heffner fucks every playmate? Well don't worry about not getting laid. If you keep at it, you will eventually succeed. And the more you do it the better you get at it.

Good luck brother!

blahdude1 · 2012-02-06T21:22:08+00:00

Good job just getting out there! Given that you are just out of a 24 year marriage, it sounds like a great start. I started going out relatively late (at 23) and remember being very very awkward the first many times. It's going to happen and you just got ot keep going out.. after a while, things get comfortable and fun.

Regarding feeling fake/insincere when talking to girls: I have always felt better about it, and been the most successful, when I think of it as just having fun. It's all your frame of reference. My mentality is, "I am here to have a good night, and do what I can to help others have a better night". If you are fun guy, you draw others towards you, both guys and girls.

funshinebear13 · 2012-02-06T23:42:20+00:00

Some really good advice to handle rejection is just to remember you are the prize, they are missing out on meeting and getting to know a great guy. Try and internalise this before you go out and you will set a much better frame.

2012-02-07T02:09:40+00:00

Dancing is a numbers game. I'll get rejected easily half of the time I try to dance with a girl, but the ones that do like to dance are the ones you're approaching for.

2012-02-07T05:20:00+00:00

Guys like you would do better with Daygame... I sense that you're not really interested in the club scenario

2012-02-07T07:23:53+00:00

I just got out of a two year relationship and I'm getting back into the swing of things. What I've realized it that I'm not nearly as smooth as I was before. I'm out of practice. Approaching a woman is not something I do naturally now, when before I did.

It takes a while to build up the momentum. First many approaches you'll feel awkward, but some of them will go well, and that will start to happen more and more often, until you will actually expect things to go well.

Keep at it.

KPB724 · 2012-02-08T06:59:30+00:00

Seems like she did the good old slut defense: "oh i'm just here to have fun, I totally dont want sex"

moltar · 2012-02-07T04:47:48+00:00

didnt read past "went to a club". dont go to a club. go where you are confortable. go to a store, or just a park to walk a dog. if you don't have a dog - get one. or borrow a kid from your younger brother, or neighbour :)

2012-02-07T05:15:21+00:00

Guys like you would do better with Daygame... I sense that you're not really interested in the club scenario

threeirory · 2012-02-07T02:22:15+00:00

I felt totally fake and insincere and I think this held me back. I know I only want to get laid or practice a technique. I don't care about the woman I am approaching and I have no intention to. The "Good Guy" inside me gets in the way.

this made me giggle.

why do you feel fake? this should be totally congruent with you. go up to her as if you want to have sex with her. use direct approaches. "Hey, you're cute, what's your name!" type a shit. kino hard and early.

since you're new this probably isn't the best advice right away, but seriously. check out some Real Social Dynamics shit, they encourage that you be horny because it makes you clear in your intent. wanting sex and acting like you don't is a huge turn off. wanting sex and acting like you want sex is a huge turn on when done right and without desperation.

gadafgadaf · 2012-02-07T02:32:11+00:00

"Does talking about work excite you? Tell me something you think is exciting", would have worked well I think).

you wanna come off as the funny scoundrel not the condescending ass, you wanna bust her balls about it but you don't want to make her feel stupid about talking about work. there are some times you want them to talk and let them but for the most part your steering the conversation and demonstrating to everyone there that you have high value.

most likely women have their guard up and say things like

she was just out for fun and dancing, nothing more.

that way if nothing pans out for the night she can say that she wasn't really looking in the first place.

2012-02-07T02:39:09+00:00

my first learning was this: Black men have no problem approaching a woman, they are fearless.

Its not black people, it's people in low income areas (ghettos). I know a lot of black and brown people who act the same way, and even some white people. For some reason, low income area just tend to be less up-tight

Kind of why I know I'm lucky to live in a nice suburb now but miss growing up in the poorer area of Hamilton. People were more open and thats where my cousins learned their game.

2012-02-07T03:03:22+00:00

Has anyone else noticed how everyone who posts on seddit says they are a 'good looking guy'? Either seddit is blessed with only having attractive people look to take it's advice, or there are some people seriously fooling themselves. Though i suppose, that is kind of the point. not a criticism, just an observation

Just keep it at it is all i can say. My brain still locks up from time to time too depending on my mood, it's just a matter of conditioning-- it takes 30 days to establish a new habit!

sillymallard · 2012-02-07T05:13:54+00:00

This is awesome! Keep it up man.

Title	First Time Out, Crash and Burn!
Author	AINIHAN
Upvotes	151
Comments	57
Date	February 6, 2012 1:03 PM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/pd491/first_time_out_crash_and_burn/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/first-time-out-crash-and-burn.1327962 https://theredarchive.com/post/1327962

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