How Do I Get Myself to Open Up to Guys and Actually Start Dating? I'm gonna be 23 this month and I still suffer from social anxiety. :(

itsiceyo · 2012-07-10T07:35:21+00:00

First off, do you have any hobbies? Are there things you love to do and are passionate about said things? Once you can passionately talk about these things, and know what you like, and what you want, conversation will be much easier.

What im trying to get at is to better yourself, and your inner game first. Not necessarily saying to not go out, or anything but know who you are, and be comfortable with who you are. In the side bar about AA.. its states that "Normal guys are boring and slightly awkward when talking to hot chicks, ergo... but Even if you are totally boring and awkward, the worst you can be is normal."

If you really wanna get over your SA, i would start by the side bar, and start by going out with friends to bars, clubs, lounges, and just interact with people. Doesn't even have to be there. Say 'hi' or 'good morning' to people at the market, gas station, stores, video shops, wherever you are. You dont have to have a full blown conversation, but a smile and a hello is a great way to start.

nicklestutor · 2012-07-10T15:09:30+00:00

I think you have to come to terms with the fact that fear and anxiety are perfectly normal emotions.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE WAY YOU ARE FEELING! IT IS NORMAL TO FEEL THIS WAY.

Your emotions are telling you, "HOLY SHIT THIS IS A NEW SITUATION! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! WHAT IF I FUCK UP! WHAT DO I SAY, OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD"

Because you're in a whole new unfamiliar situation you've never conquered before.

The thing is, you CAN'T get rid of this emotion. If anything be happy that you have something there telling you not to be a jackass, which means you're aware of how you're being perceived.

What you need to be able to do is accept this emotion, but control your behaviour to push through the emotion even though you're still feeling the whole intensity of this.

It's kind of like jumping off a cliff.

However it's this self-ability that you're really looking to cultivate. The ability not to feel fear, but the ability to still feel fear but yet have courage and will power to push through that emotion of fear.

This is what makes one a warrior. You are at battle with yourself.

Start small and build on your abilities to push through your self fears. Build confidence in your abilities to push through.

It may take weeks, months, or years, but as you push through these fears you'll find you'll be more of the you that you really are than the you've settled on because you've been too afraid to accept what you truly are.

meecham123 · 2012-07-10T17:28:10+00:00

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Joxn64 · 2012-07-10T20:42:11+00:00

I'm gonna go and suggest what I suggest guys do in the same situation.

Get hobbies where you are forced to socialize. Are you also awkward around girls that you don't know? Or is it just the guys?

If both sexes, try to find hobbies where there is a majority of girls attending. You need to be comfortable around strangers in general before you jump to "being picked up".

If only guys, try to find hobbies where both sexes are present.

I am talking about language classes, art classes, low intesity sports...anything where you are forced to socialize with the group.

That is just the first step.

I'm sorry if you are already comfortable around non-pickup social events.

just respond to this, and I'll continue if you are interested :)

also: What country are you from? N America, Western Europe?

(from a guy that was the shy-guy all through my teens and twenties, finally beat my socially anxiety, and now have zero problems talking in front of large groups of people, approaching any girls, making jokes to strangers on the street...etc. It journey, I can tell you.)

asad16 · 2012-07-10T13:56:35+00:00

I know a girl who is really similar to what you describe. She's attractive, but incredibly shy and socially awkward. I don't think she's ever dated anyone, and she gets so uncomfortable when the attention is on her. personally, i found it endearing and maybe some guys find you endearing too. I would take some small steps and just try to carry a conversation. Anyone who talks to you, just try to keep up the momentum. It's not difficult, but you need to practice it. Try to smile more, it'll show that you enjoy the conversation. There are alot of guys who will put in the effort, you just need to be a little more open.

JSintra · 2012-07-10T14:52:41+00:00

Just follow the advice given to most guys with the same problem. Start small - talk to people who don't make you nervous (old lady at the grocery store, the cashier, etc). It doesn't have to be a long conversation, just talk about something anyone can talk about (what kinds of fruit do you like? Is the weather always like this?). Once you feel comfortable with small talk, then you move to the guys who interest you.

FecklessPhilanderer · 2012-07-10T15:12:02+00:00

Put yourself in the position to be approached.

Go to the cafe instead of reading at home, go out to a show instead of dancing by yourself in your frillies, go to the market instead of buying frozen food from the chain store.

Have something on your person that someone can very easily comment on and physically place your body in closer proximity to the guys who seem interesting.

Then think about all the sexy things you want to do with him, steal glances at the stuff that turns you on. At this point biology should take over and you'll do something sexy that catches his eye. You don't have to really offer a lot initially conversation wise, if you're feeling frisky he'll feel it and just babble on while basking in your sexy feminine energy.

Nerdy awkward girls can be extremely sexy if they are turned on enough and really enjoying the moment. Besides, being initially awkward and demure is a turn on for most guys.

Read How to talk to anyone for seriously killer tips and tricks to improve your conversational ability.

ThePhenix · 2012-07-10T16:37:20+00:00

You must have a close male friend? Talk to him about confidence and that sorta stuff.

Wordwright · 2012-07-10T17:03:27+00:00

Apart from the fact that I'm a guy, you're describing me spot on... We're even the same age. If I wasn't so sure we live thousands of miles apart, I'd say we would make the ultimate socially awkward couple.

dumcumster · 2012-07-10T21:59:00+00:00

most guys don't have the balls to start a conversation with a stranger, especially strange women. if you want to bait them the most important thing for you to do is to use 'approach invitations.'

approach invitations are: smiling, using eye contact, opening up your body language, and being within physical proximity. if you make prolonged eye contact (a couple seconds) and smile a lot, guys will become encouraged. if you do those things and also buzz around them they'll say something if they're interested. however, don't expect them to be smooth or to be able to prop-up the conversation at all. odds are they're game is worse than yours and you'll immediately regret making yourself so readily available.

a way to implement this is to look at the guy you like when something funny/odd happens. for example just yesterday i got a very powerful approach invitation from a woman in a cafe after we shared a private laugh at something that just happened. we hadn't spoken yet or anything but it was just so funny and i was watching her while laughing about it and she looks at me and we just exchanged really warm grins for a couple of seconds. fyi we're going out next week.
(guys pay attention: look for approach invitations all the time. it makes pick-up so much simpler when you can recognize these things for what they are. to give you some perspective the woman in the cafe was a 9.5 if she was a 9. all women do it, even the most desirable ones. approach invitations are the new iois.)

keep in mind most guys in the real world will be thankful to have any woman at all so use this to your advantage--they want you around even if you're awkward and merit-less. dudes are pretty pathetic so don't sell yourself too short, especially if you're physically attractive. it's shocking (lol) but the crappiest, nastiest women can get high-value men just by looking hot. it's not a good thing but i'm not here to spin the truth for you. ultimately without good social skills though you won't get truly exciting men. you want a guy who's ambitious, funny, attractive, and intelligent? you'll need more than cherry lip gloss and a downward gaze.

Joxn64 · 2012-07-10T23:02:29+00:00

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Joxn64 · 2012-07-11T01:29:17+00:00

Drink, then drink some more. There's a sweet spot in drinking where you are buzzed but not drunk, exploit it.

ConcordApes · 2012-07-10T10:18:59+00:00

Temporary solution:

This sounds extremely immature, but given that you have very few social skill resources at your disposal, you can do it the high school way. Tell one of your friends that you think 'X' is cute and ask them to pass the message along. Or write it down in a note and leave it on their desk. Now the down side of this is that you will come off as extremely immature.

OK. On to long term solutions. YOU will never get better at this unless you try. Start out with small steps and just try. It is OK to mess up. This is how you learn.

Other things that may help are to take some public speaking courses, acting courses, pretty much anything that gets you up in front of an audience and practice public speaking and getting over your shyness.

I'll 2nd the other person's recommendation to check out the women's PUA. They will push you to try new things and get past your insecurities. Because that is what it all really boils down to anyway. Practising what you don't think you can do.

2012-07-10T16:39:26+00:00

Look a guy in the eyes until he sees you. then mouth the words "come talk to me" to him. Be congruent with your emotions. If you are shy, then act shy. Don't put on a mask. Be brutally honest in expressing your emotions. Tell him "I'm shy and lonely. What's your name?" Give him smiles for validation so if the conversation isn't going well, he'll know you at least appreciate it so he'll keep trying.

FecklessPhilanderer · 2012-07-10T15:31:53+00:00

Oh and another point, all the things you list as negatives (weak eye contact, lack of smiling), aren't all that bad. It actually takes pressure off and feels much more rewarding, I actually hate it when girls stare or smile to get a reaction out of me, it's like cool it girl you don't know me. Of course a genuine smile and some nice mutual soul gazing is always a major turn on.

Be nervous and just own it, play with your hair, turn around and look away when he looks at you, fidget. If a girl is nervous but tries too hard to suppress it, she just comes off as boring/uncool.

source: I'm 6'3", fit, good looking, and confident with women. So if you want to get a guy like me (cause I love meeting girls like you), follow these tips!

Joxn64 · 2012-07-10T09:58:50+00:00

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