My oneitis dropped the bomb on me this morning. I have never felt more motivated in my life

themoor · 2012-08-06T12:31:25+00:00

If you are going to do what you say, here's a few things I would suggest.

Go no contact with your oneitis. Get her out of your head and the more you no longer interact/talk/email her, the more you'll be able to do that. It will only keep you back if you continue communications with her (and, as an aside, if there will ever be a chance to get with her, she'll need to see the "new" you down the line.... though thinking that can be dangerous and proceed with caution on that idea).
Don't expect instant results. Take your time and be disciplined. Read up on how to work out and supplement that with an appropriate diet. When you start looking better, you start feeling better and acting more confident. It's not a panacea, but it is a good start and girls will pick up on your vibe.
Start approaching women regularly. Go out 3-5 times a week, whether it's daygame or nightgame. Get used to talking to new women. And if you are not comfortable doing pickup, start talking to women without any intention at all of hitting on them at first. Get comfortable just interacting with them.
Read up on seduction and game. Slowly get the feel for what they are trying to tell you. Don't fall for gimmicks or con men. Also read up on "the sexual market place", "hypergamy", and "shit tests."
Expect failure, but don't let it get you down. All, or at least most, successful people got that way through going through lots of failure first. Think of failure as a friend, as you can learn from it and get better.
There is no endpoint. It's a process and journey. Even experienced and expert PUAs (of which I am not one) still push themselves past old boundaries and limits.

tomacuni · 2012-08-06T17:10:24+00:00

In about 3 months, I'm shipping off to bootcamp and 3 months after that I will be able to check up on you. Don't you dare sit on your ass and disappoint me while I'm out there getting beat into shape. I expect to come back and find out that you're making serious progress. Good luck, my friend

DjGrizzly · 2012-08-06T12:40:25+00:00

Post results (with pics too) and you'll probably be one of the top posts on here, see you in a year champ

LockHowl · 2012-08-06T17:17:15+00:00

My Dear Friend,

I am ecstatic that you have found a new desire and motivation to change your life for the better, though it is indeed a shame that you had to acquire it through such harsh methods. If I may, and if I'm not overstepping my boundaries here, let me offer you one piece of advice. This mindset is indeed a good thing as it will drive you forward but have you steeled your resolve to the point that it is impervious to the world? You have within you a burning desire to change but have you protected that flame from the chilly bales of wind the life and jobs and people may toss you? If not, then spend sometime to really sit down and ask yourself how you will keep yourself from sliding back to your current position. Again this is just an advice from a voice within the darkness warning of the times ahead.

~~Shen Shadow Dashing Away

hopeless_bromantic · 2012-08-06T18:51:04+00:00

Listen, you won't regret this one bit. - Read the book, stop smoking. That's really all I have for you. Godspeed.

senator_mendoza · 2012-08-06T17:16:41+00:00

Good for you dude! /r/fitness can help you get in shape; and that's one BIG step, if done properly it can be the driver for all the other changes you seek; you will be able to see and feel improvements on a weekly basis.

archaicfrost · 2012-08-06T20:34:04+00:00

I was in a very similar position to you a little over a year ago. I hope my experience and self-experimentation can help you.

Do it for you. Because you want to be happier, healthier, feel better, look better, and be more confident. There is no end, no destination, all there is is the journey. Enjoy it. Learn from it. Be honest with yourself. When you mess up (and you will) accept the mistake and move on. You can do it, it just takes time and dedication. Personally I believe this community is about becoming the best version of you that you can be, overcoming fears and hesitations, and interacting with strangers (men and women alike) almost at a level you would with long time friends. You're doing this to make you happy, which makes others happy, which makes you happy.
Quitting smoking - read The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Alan Carr. I think someone referenced this book below. It's essentially reverse brain washing for smokers. I tried gum, lozenges, e-cigarettes, and other nicotine replacement, and it took me a long time to realize all I was doing was allowing my addiction to remain. The book was the only thing that worked for me, and I know a lot of people who swear by that book. Can't recommend it highly enough.
Eating well - Baby steps, I can't emphasize this enough. When I first started trying to make permanent positive changes, I tried to do too much at once and one mistake would result in extended backslides. Maybe start by cutting out soda, or even replacing it with diet, slowly reduce junk and fast food, and focus on portion control. Depending on how much you have to lose, you can make a lot of progress initially just from these few changes. Once you get some momentum you can start experimenting with other options. I'm a big fan of keto (r/keto) and paleo (r/paleo), as they're relatively easy but still require discipline and ensuring a calorie deficit to lose weight. Once you're on a real roll, and working out regularly, intermittent fasting (r/fasting) and specifically Leangains (r/leangains) can lead to tremendous results.
Getting fit - the baby steps thing applies here as well, and personally I found this to be one of the hardest habits to start. Depending how out of shape you are, you might want to start with a program like Couch 2 5k for some running and maybe check out something like NerdFitness.com for some easy bodyweight workouts. After you re-establish a base level of fitness you feel happy with start in with the heavy barbell weights. Starting Strength and Strong Lifts are really good linear programs to get started, though 5/3/1 is currently my favorite. Try other things - martial arts are good, and I'm a big fan of climbing (indoor), but whatever works for you. It's very possible you won't LIKE working out at first, but the more you do it the more you want to do it. A year ago I couldn't run a mile - yesterday I ran 3.3 miles, hit the heavy bag for an hour, went climbing, and wrapped it up with a 2.6 mile run - it took a year, but yesterday was an awesome day.
Improve thyself - the mental aspect (inner game) takes many forms, and there are lots of ways you can enhance this. Certainly you can read about pickup and self improvement, but you can just go out and try new things. I've experimented with Muay Thai and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, improv classes, fencing, and a host of other activities. Some stick around for good, some were 6 or 8 weeks and that was enough. You meet new people, try new things, and when it comes to something like improv there are benefits like spontaneity and worrying less about what you say. As far as reading material goes I've been reading lots of stuff about psychology, economics, sociology, human development and evolution, and anything that is interesting and has any sort of overlap to this whole 'finding your best self' thing. It gives me something to draw from, or talk about, with almost everyone. And when I can contribute to a conversation, and people listen and are engaged, I feel more confident. Read about Buddhist principles, learn to meditate and live for the moment, as this allows you to enjoy conversation and interaction for the sake of conversation and interaction, instead of looking at it as a means to an end. Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, but now is a gift. That's why they call it the present.

It is a long journey, but well worth it. I am finally feeling good enough, confident enough, happy enough, and content enough with my life, who I am, and the decisions I make, to start actually getting out there and meeting people - and I'm finding now that I feel good and confident, it's not only easier than I expected, but it's a lot of fun.

Good luck, sir! If I can do it, anyone can!

2012-08-06T18:09:22+00:00

If you are serious about diet and living healthier, look into the slow carb diet. I dropped over 30lbs while on that diet, but it turned into less of a diet and more of a how to fucking eat properly. Cut out those fucking cigarettes too. I see an HB10 that smokes as a HB4 because it is fucking disgusting in the long run. I agree with the not contacting her. You need time to less those scares heal up, and I recommend assuming you will never see her again as well. Do not change your life, find health and happiness, and reinvent yourself for a fucking woman. DO IT FOR YOU.

vylasaven · 2012-08-06T20:42:22+00:00

Don't tell us. Just do it. The feeling of accomplishment you get when you say what you're going to do is a red herring that distracts from actually doing it.

TheOneYearProject · 2012-08-07T11:42:07+00:00

"I desperately try to quit smoking to get in shape" What does smoking have to do with it? Please tell.

2012-08-08T01:29:40+00:00

And on top of all that, I failed to play it cool when the girl I really like just told me that she fucked some other dude in his car while she was drunk last weekend.

Fuck that, you have no responsibility to "play it cool" when a girl tells you something that is deliberately provocative.

All the rest of the shit you said lacks perspective. Life will beat you harder and harder, you will hit rock bottom many many more times. Then you will begin to get better.

Good luck!

Yiggs · 2012-08-06T16:38:25+00:00

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2012-08-06T15:19:39+00:00

One year can make you a whole new man. Best of luck OP, I hope you can find the perpetual source of motivation needed to fuel this transformation

2012-08-06T16:07:31+00:00

Good luck, and don't get discouraged.

TheOneYearProject · 2012-08-06T16:15:09+00:00

Living well is the best revenge they say, but living well eliminates the need for revenge. I will be successful and I am pretty sure after I started improving my life, I won’t even give a fuck about her anymore. But right now this is the thing that pushes me and I will put all my anger, my sadness, my jealousy and my agony into this to benefit and learn from it. Fuck you world, I am back.

Don't hold onto jealousy, anger and sadness and let it fuel you... that doesn't help and it just feeds your obsession with her. Better to just make the decision to accept the situation and toss out any thought of her before it has time to fester. She has nothing to do with it anymore. now you are improving your life for your own sake, not to get her back or show her what she's missed.

climbak · 2012-08-06T19:44:18+00:00

Good luck! I am on a similar path. Check out "The Game" by Neil Strauss and "The Venusian Arts", aka the Mystery Method. These are good books for the tactics of becoming more socially inept. Obviously they can be used purely to get laid, but they can also be used to overhaul your everyday social interactions.

Also, I agree with what others have said. Completely cut contact with your oneitis. Soon you will have choice in who you want to date, rather than waiting to be chosen yourself.

2012-08-06T19:57:58+00:00

This post almost got me out of my seat, fist in the air pumping for joy. because I've been exactly where you are - that turning point. And honestly? Day 2 is awesome. There will be downs, don't get me wrong, but if you keep your eye on the prize it will trend upwards.

For me it was my exchange to england next year. As soon as I found out, I told myself that I'm getting my shit together before that exchange, and I'm gonna be exactly who and where I want to be when I get there. The women will follow.

phro · 2012-08-06T20:14:55+00:00

There is no quitting. Quit or do not quit. Quitting as if it is possible to be some half measure or extended process is just a psychological cop out.

Tell yourself you have quit and accept nothing less from yourself.

SeekingAlpha · 2012-08-06T20:27:37+00:00

Neither. I just don't believe that learning about the longings of social-climbers/gold-diggers/status-seekers has much to do with developing strong game.

petesler · 2012-08-06T21:01:45+00:00

One year is a long time. Certainly long enough to develop lasting habits. There's a lot of good advice for someone just getting back on the horse, but I see one thing that's missing.

Will power is something you can run out of. Every decision you make drains a little more of it. And you need to do things to replenish it. It's tempting to try and go at every aspect of your life as hard as you can, all at once, but this is almost a sure path to failure. Developing lasting positive habits is almost as difficult as getting rid of ingrained bad habits.

My advice is to start out by taking one or two things that are really important to you and really make an effort to work on them every day for a month. A month of constant work is enough time to get the ball steadily rolling on a new habit. Once you feel confident that you can stick with those first couple habits, add more.

Twelve months later, you could have 24 solid new habits. That's a completely different way of living life.

If you have no idea where you want to start, suggest you start out working on exercise and a hobby that means a lot to you. I've found these two areas of my life to have the greatest effect on other aspects of my life.

What about replenishing will power? I've found that the easiest way to do this is to take decisions out of my hands by developing routines. At the end of the day, plan out tomorrow as if it was going to happen in an ideal way. When you wake up, just start hacking away at the list. When you do start to feel drained, try sitting in silence with your eyes closed for 10 minutes. Make an effort to think about nothing. Sometimes I keep a notebook next to me to write down ideas as they come. If that doesn't float your boat, go for a short walk to clear your head. You've probably heard of people who work really hard for 45 minutes and then take a 15 minute break before returning to work for 15 minutes. It works. Do something fun for a little while. Hang out with friends and be social. Anything that gets your mind off making important decisions.

You're creating a new you. It will take time. You will experience hardship. How you overcome it will matter more than the failure itself.

sd4c · 2012-08-06T22:42:47+00:00

Oneitis ("limerance") is a serious, sometimes fatal disease of the mind. It is, however, readily treatable, and will usually resolve itself with time. There are things you can do that will accelerate your healing. Achieving and maintaining "no-contact" is critical, especially in the early stages. This can be difficult if you work/live/go to school with the object of your limerance. But it is imperative to MINIMIZE contact, as much as possible. Don't be rude- just respond to any unexpected or necessary contact politely but without any kind of flirting, subservience, or excessive self-disclosure. Some things that I have found that help tremendously with oneitis:

1) KEEP A DIARY. This might be the most effective thing you can do, besides no-contact. It will help you tremendously to be able to get things off your chest, and organize your thoughts. Type out how you feel, details of encounters, what happened, how she reacted, etc. When you have enough entries to look back at previous entries and see the sheer imbalance of emotional investment, and the pain she has "caused" you with her indifference, your attraction will diminish.

2) STAY BUSY. Take every opportunity to invest in yourself. Enhance your existing skills, be it a sport, language, instrument, knowledge of machines, or academics. Try new things, that you think might be boring or hard, because any novel experience will keep you in the moment- and away from your unhealthy obsessive thoughts. New places will work, too, so travel, if you can. Stay off Facebook. Realize that women should not "complete" you- they should be EXTRA icing on your already kick-ass life. If your life doesn't kick ass, take small but concrete steps to improve it. Even cleaning your car or balancing your checkbook can help.

3) BE SOCIAL. You may feel like crawling in a hole, but surrounding yourself with people who share common interests will help. Oneitis is most painful at night- so have plans for the evening that involve a friend. The upside, and most ironic thing about oneitis is that the worse it is, the less nervous you will feel around women that are not in any way connected to the object of your desire. Take advantage of this, but be careful not to develop a new case/become too attached. This leads into:

4) BE FLATTERED: Get yourself exposed to women that admire YOU. This will depend on your "social value", but everyone can do it. Older women, heavy women, girls that have features or lifestyles that are a complete Don't be cruel and tease them/lead them on. But interact with them enough to realize that YOU are likely someone ELSE'S oneitis object, or could be. And so on, and so on. The ladder never ends. It is likely, that your oneitis object sucks up to her OWN target. Be better than she is, at keeping your dignity and self-respect.

5) LET IT OUT. This goes well with the journal-keeping. When the worst of the feelings hit you, quickly find a private spot and let your feelings out/cry. DO NOT cry from your oneitis in front of a friend/ex-gf/family member. You may diminish your value as a man to them, and will feel embarrassed after. More importantly, when you see them, you will now think of the object of your limerance, because it's one of the things you have talked about with them. Also, it is equally critical that your object of desire does not ever get the satisfaction of knowing you are pining for her any more than she already knows- and depending on who you cried to, they might slip up and leak. The exception is a counselor or therapist. A professional code keeps them from revealing your weakness to any other person, unless you mention self-harm or harming others. [If you have serious/irrepressible thoughts of suicide or harming others (serious defined as, start to put together a plan), do seek medical help right away. You may need life-saving medication to get you through the rough spot.]

6) MEDITATION. Seriously. It will seem like the last thing you want to do- to be alone with your thoughts- but it is probably the most important. Learning to quiet your thoughts, be still, and find peace within yourself (however fleeting) will benefit you directly and immediately, in treating your oneitis and anxiety in general. There are endless resources on how to do this, but I recommend watching YouTube how-to videos as a first step. Master Dogen from ancient Japan stated that only 5 minutes a day is sufficient to bring results. A good starting point. More is better, but the law of diminishing returns applies. 20 min/day is probably ideal for most people.

ZombiesBeStylinOnMeh · 2012-08-06T23:27:23+00:00

Good luck man. I myself have something similar to this, where I change my life. Its a long Ross ahead not going to lie my transformation is going on 4 years and I still feel like I need to continue. Don't get discouraged, you've already taken your first step.

c_wolves · 2012-08-07T01:36:16+00:00

Dude I can relate to you in a lot of aspects and this is an inspiration for me too, out of shape and not social but try, I don't smoke in-fact I hate smoking but I do have oneitis for my ex and understand that depression/anger when they tell you something about some guy and it's especially damaging when you do look at them and see that they're "better" than you or who you'd like to be with yourself. Just wanna say I can relate and don't feel alone because at-least one person is right here with ya. (:

TheOneYearProject · 2012-08-07T03:03:32+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	My oneitis dropped the bomb on me this morning. I have never felt more motivated in my life
Author	TheOneYearProject
Upvotes	165
Comments	81
Date	August 6, 2012 12:17 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/xrg89/my_oneitis_dropped_the_bomb_on_me_this_morning_i/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/my-oneitis-dropped-the-bomb-on-me-this-morning-i.1336866 https://theredarchive.com/post/1336866

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