Women say "I can't stay long" right before we're supposed to meet.

HelloHiHello · 2012-08-23T15:40:39+00:00

Nah man, it does neither.

Don't take what they say at face value. Realize you do this exact thing all the time.

We even have a name for it, "false time constraint."

She's testing to see if it'll upset you. And it does. She was testing to weed out guys who get upset by that kind of thing. And you did.

Just say, "okay," then go to the date as if she never texted you in the first place. Literally delete it from your mind. It's just a date as always.

Getting her to show up is basically the entire battle. If she's there, who cares about her "deadline"? It doesn't exist. Escalate as normal. In fact, escalate faster than normal. Grab her around the waist right when you meet up with her.

I'd recommend just saying, "No problem." And leaving it at that.

rucron · 2012-08-23T16:33:41+00:00

Thanks everyone for the solid advice. I'm a recovering "nice guy" and when a woman tries to pull this kind of thing on me my reaction now is to try and take back control of the interaction and not let her lead.

I also don't want to be seen as a the guy who buys her drinks/appetizers and then she bails so she can go do who knows what...

I know now that I can't let this get to me and I need to just plow as usual and ignore her time constraints...false or otherwise.

KeroKeroKeroppi · 2012-08-23T17:39:10+00:00

I always just ignore it.

Its most her just trying to set up a get out of jail free card in case the date goes badly. If I recognize that it does exist, then that just gives it more reality and even puts a little pressure on her to go ahead and use it even if the date is going well.

Just pretend it doesnt exist, and it probably wont.

redditor29198 · 2012-08-23T16:00:57+00:00

You're doing the worst thing you could possibly do in response.

k1ngk0ngwl · 2012-08-24T00:43:40+00:00

The best way to handle this is to have a plan and some back up plans. Good ideas, always, every time you go out. If you are just meeting for drinks, you better have the next place in mind, already, and it better be good. Then, to another place. Then, to your place (or hers).

If she says she can't stay long, just say, "Too bad. Guess I'll have to find someone else to use this extra Toots & the Maytals ticket at the Belly Up Tavern. They put on an amazing show."

AceHotShot · 2012-08-23T16:17:19+00:00

I'd go with 'no worries, I've got to meet _/do __ so can't stay long either.'

It demonstrates two things: that you don't care too much about it, and that you're a gentlemen with many other things going on in his life.

fragglemook · 2012-08-23T19:59:49+00:00

I'll meet a woman, spend a good amount of time with her and we'll setup a drinks and appetizers date for later in the week.

Did you escalate with her immediately? Probably not. You probably didn't convey sexual intent.

When I text them the day of the date to confirm they reply with ....

When you do X, they do x. You are generalising here. This means you are still exhibiting a pattern based approach to all women you meet. Notice this. You meet a woman, you do x, then they do x? What all of them? Even your mother? Your sister? Realise you're still on autopilot from your preconceptions of how you should act with a woman.

I feel like they're controlling the date...

They (she?) are, because you weren't. You didn't take control of the first meet up.

"I'll be meeting so and so or doing this and that at such and such time so I can't stay long."

Yeh you must have been boring.

Here's a tip I find useful for waking up in the presence of others. It makes you distinguish between being "introspective" and "present".

As you sit there, 1. notice the feeling of air being pulled into your lungs. 2. Notice the sound of your heart. 3. Close your eyes briefly and notice what you see in your mind, even if it's not clear.

Now, back out into the world...

Look around the room and see the light reflecting off the nearest shiny object. 2. Hear the chatter of the voices around you or the hum of traffic. 3. Take your finger tips and feel the temperature difference of your neck/pulse and the girls vajayjay!

Yeh. Right in there.

Stay OUT of your head and IN this shared reality to start off with. Then talk at her, and have a laugh. Interrupt her if you have to if what you're going to say is funny or what she is talking about is boring. Use every excuse to touch her when you first meet her and start as you mean to go on.

So as for flaking, well you have to have things going on in YOUR life that you cannot stay around too long for HER on a date, if she is dull.

2012-08-23T20:50:43+00:00

It may just be a safety net. If things aren't going well, she has an excuse to leave without having to explicitly tell you that things aren't going well.

2012-08-23T22:31:29+00:00

There is only 1 reason I say this to a guy & that is he was a bit tedious or I didn't fancy him enough to have sex & I think he might try. If I really like him I'd cancel my other plans.

Mouthpiece · 2012-08-24T02:31:55+00:00

"I can't stay long."

Reply: "That's perfect. I've got to meet someone at 10:00 anyway."

(And then, enforce it. Or if the night is going really well, you can "cancel" your later obligation. By "really well," I mean your cock is already in her mouth.) Oh, and make sure you've actually got something lined up for later.

But the real problem here is, why are you getting this result before the meeting? Sounds like you're not building enough attraction first. Once is a flake; twice is a pattern. (Three times is a conspiracy. Bail! Bail! Bail!)

Maybe this is the problem:

"spend a good amount of time with her" "drinks and appetizers date"

How much is a "good amount"? Maybe you need to work on closing on the first encounter. Maybe you need to break off sooner, adding mystery.
"Drinks and appetizers date" sounds like "I'd buy you dinner but I'm too cheap to afford it." You're a guy who has great adventures and is compelling to talk to—have a great adventure planned and offer her the chance to come along if she dares.

rucron · 2012-08-24T05:22:26+00:00

Thanks again everyone for your comments. I definitely appreciate the 'tough love' and everyone keeping it real. A few additional pieces of info.

Both of the women I had seen previously so neither was a first date. 2. Both dates were set for weeknights but I still don't know for sure if it was just a false time constraint or real plans. 3. I definitely agree that I didn't build enough attraction on the first date so I need to be aware of this and ramp things up with future women.

Finally I need to work on really being that busy guy who also has plans and am turning the tables and being the one who needs to cut out early if needed.

I really like the idea of having plans and inviting a woman along for the ride...so to speak lol as opposed to making her the center of the evening.

the_cucumber · 2012-08-25T08:32:51+00:00

The others pretty much covered it with the time frame thing, but another point for consideration:

drinks and appetizers ??

Suggesting that specifically as a date sounds like you're either time-constrained yourself or totally cheap. Why not go full dinner? If you really want to eat light, quickly or save money by not having a full meal, rephase it. Ask her out to a tapas bar. If you havent heard that term, it's the Greek word (I think) for the same concept- basically appetizers, but as the whole point of the restaurant. It's trendy, you could potentially teach her something new, and you save yourself from looking cheap.

Plus, waitresses hate when you only order appetizers. If the girl has worked in the industry before, she knows this, and will be automatically embarrassed when you say to the waitress, "oh, just an order of bruschetta to share please".

stunspore · 2012-08-26T23:41:37+00:00

usually an excuse to fall back on and bail if us dudes get boring during the date.

dont sweat it, keep her entertained/intrigued and youll be fine :)

iwenttocharlenes · 2012-08-23T18:37:37+00:00

Good advice in this thread, don't let her saying that upset you.

It's also a chance to throw in a playful comment if you want--someone told me this today actually , I said something like "no worries, I've got other things to do, too! ;-)" then not only are you showing you aren't phased by what she said, but you flipped it on its head--now instead of feeling like she might have to convince you she has to leave, she might have to convince you to stay

Title	Women say "I can't stay long" right before we're supposed to meet.
Author	rucron
Upvotes	16
Comments	27
Date	August 23, 2012 3:33 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/yp717/women_say_i_cant_stay_long_right_before_were/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/women-say-i-cant-stay-long-right-before-were.1337821 https://theredarchive.com/post/1337821

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