Cant stand up for myself, I just ignore when people treat me wrong

dancekingsc · 2015-02-23T14:47:54+00:00

Mentality. Have a positive mindset. It's hard to always shake things off. It also depends on the type of insult. The way it see it; There is three types of insult:

The one that is meant to test you, kind of like a shit test.
The one that is meant as friendly banter. If you're insecure you might view this as straight up offensive
The one that is meant to hurt you.

Identify the insult, and deal with it accordingly. In my opinion insulting just like flirting is a two player game. Both have to be in on it, even though it's meant to hurt one of you. Calling out a hobo on the street for being a loser, makes you look pathetic. Taking shots against someone higher up on the "food chain" is ballsy. Use this as a defense and offense if you need to.

As someone already said, confidence. Now it's hard to develop confidence on the spot. So i rather call it responsibility. Take responsibility over yourself and your ego. If your ego is hurt, it's your damn fault, not the attackers.

Don't know your social life, but if you have friends, try to do some social bantering on them. It helps you prepare against the people who tries to walk over you. Experience over everything.

blaster1988 · 2015-02-23T12:11:26+00:00

holy shit. I do this all the time. problem is, everyone i know treats each other like shit and I end up in the cross-fire. I feel like shit all the time because of this... if anyone has any advice, i am patiently waiting for it.

brucebwang · 2015-02-23T14:17:41+00:00

You need self confidence. Easiest way is to start lifting. Get big as shit and no one tries talking shit to you, cus they know they'll get their ass handed to them. Also when you look in the mirror and see yourself improving its impossible not to build confidence in yourself because the physical proof is right in front of you

livinghonestly · 2015-02-23T14:32:42+00:00

Replace won't for can't and it's more accurate.

Caelira · 2015-02-23T13:49:52+00:00

Just tell them that's seriously wrong to say to a person. If they're still being agressive towards you, just stop dealing with that person. If they ask you why you won't speak with them anymore just tell them with a straightface that they've been a humongous ass to you, and you don't appreciate that.

Thefeature · 2015-02-23T16:09:02+00:00

Go to the gym. Learn any form of martial arts. Bury yourself in things that make you a better person. Let your actions speak louder than your words. Id recommend reading 'The Ways of the Superior Man' by David Deida and 'Warrior of the Light' by Paulo Coelho

WhatHadHappenedWas · 2015-02-23T17:46:46+00:00

OP, stop browsing this subreddit all the time and start browsing r/fitness. Read the FAQ and get in the gym 5 times a week. You'll learn to respect yourself and raise your self-esteem. Worked on me

randoabando · 2015-02-23T14:08:47+00:00

If I don't want to tell the rude person to fuck off or stfu, I usually say something like "that was inappropriate" and why. Pretend you're a bossy grade school kid if need be. People will still respond poorly and that's when you can either try to talk to them in a private, serious conversation or just tell them to scram.

lurker10101010 · 2015-02-23T15:47:16+00:00

Look man you can't let anyone step on you. Second you let it happen once they will keep on doing it. The key is dont worry about the confrontation. Get belligerent if you have to. Be willing to fight if you have to. Make people dance to your tempo and not the other way. And if you don't lift, start. If you never been in a fight, get a buddy and some $20 ever last gloves and duke it out. After getting your lip split and your head rocked, little shit like some fuckboy at work no longer will bother you.

m4tchb0x · 2015-02-23T16:21:46+00:00

Some times the most confident thing you can do is ignoring people that are clearly ignorant, and not letting their comments phase you.

joshsway · 2015-02-23T18:25:22+00:00

Need more specifics. For example, if some guy who is 2x your size is getting in your face wanting to fight, ignoring them or backing down is probably the right decision. But if you are getting shit on at work/with "friends" etc. it's different.

Chinaroos · 2015-02-23T18:50:09+00:00

I also unfortunately took to heart the "if you don't have anything nice to say..." ditty from back in the day.

TLDR: It's all about setting boundaries.

Imagine that you can make a magic wall. That wall can take any shape and be made out of any material. The wall is protecting your ego, and is protecting you from arrows (insults, slights) that can hurt your ego and cause pain.

Now watch this:

If your identity takes up a lot of space (gender, race, religion, physical appearance, etc), then your ego is large and you're going to need a very big wall.

This also takes quite a bit of energy to maintain and defend. Some people put their energy into things to shoot back at other people (insults, arguments), and other people put their energy into making that wall

The secret is to pick and choose what you are willing to defend

/u/dancekingsc has very good tactics for how to defend against those attacks. But you still need to decide where you want that protection and what areas will it cover.

My tactic is to simply tell them that they're crossing a line. It's short, simple, and I rarely have to use it. But when I do, I mean it and it usually solves the problem quickly and efficiently.

Example: A person at work makes a snide comment at you in a meeting. They have not yet earned the respect of being able to banter with you

"X, what you're doing is crossing a line with me. Please (change your behavior)"

No need to explain why, only what and how.

I hope this helps!

2015-02-23T19:05:39+00:00

I am the same way. Non-confrontational.

So find ways to out maneuver them. Be smarter, be stronger, be wiser, nicer, anything.

Have an ace in the hole. I am an incredibly friendly person and make many friends, usually when people talk shit I have a lot of others do the talking for me. So that even if my friend says something stupid I can either refute it or support it.

It works.

philosarapter · 2015-02-23T19:06:33+00:00

Sounds like you could benefit from some talk therapy. This normally comes from low self-esteem or a feeling that this is what you 'deserve'. You gotta work on your human value system.

Everyone you meet is just another human being exactly like yourself. No better or no worse. Maybe understanding that will help you a little bit. But do seek therapy, it can be really beneficial to work on yourself.

SocialAlphaMan · 2015-02-23T21:28:16+00:00

A lot of the tips here are great. I agree that confidence comes from within. I also agree that confidence definitely comes when a person lifts. If you combine both, it's powerful. It's so much easier to start with within though. You can have the most amazing looking body but if deep inside you, you don't believe that your a champ and that your confident in all situations, it's going to show in your body language.

As you may know, body language if very challenging to lie in the long run.

I would suggest that you create a full page with affirmations. In that word document or that paper that you will write by hand, write all the qualities that you desire to have including confidence. Write your affirmation in the present tense. Say "I am confident in all situations" instead of, "I will be confident in all situations"

Present tense is crucial. Write all your affirmations in present tense. After you have a big list of at least 20, make the final copy and read it out loud two times a day. One in the morning and one time before going to bed.

After a month of doing this, begin telling people that you have the qualities that you say you have in your affirmations. Not only do you have to believe those qualities are true about you but you also got to make others believe that you have those qualities.

This will be very powerful according to dating expert Joshua Pelecier.

By repeating your affirmations everyday, you will subconsciously find ways to take "shit" the right way and you will even be able to turn the tables around.

Remember to avoid taking things personal for the most part. Take it as feedback on your social skills instead. It's also not a bad idea to be around a few people that will give you "shit" because they will point out your weaknesses and it will be a benefit for you. A lot of times our own personal friends will not point out our weaknesses because they don't want to be "mean".

It's good to laugh at yourself at times.

Work on building your your social value and all the factors that make you attractive. Become fun as well as dominant. People will give you less shit if they are already attracted to you.

Note: If guys know your good with women, the chances of being respected shoots out the window.

A lot of times you will have to go through the trenches first before you can see real results in taking shit the right way. Keep a strong mentality and a backbone and learn from each experience.

Are people giving you shit just to test you, is it because your coming off as a guy with little to no value, are you looking like a guy that wants to take value away from a group instead of adding value, or are people just being jerks? If the last one is the case, it's not worth having them as friends. Whatever it might be, know why and build a strategy around that.

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mpr88 · 2015-02-23T15:57:34+00:00

People are just people, just like you. Try to imagine yourself in their shoes. Try to recall what people have said to you when you have wronged them. How did you feel when they confronted you? It was really not a big deal, right? So when you confront someone who has wronged you, it probably won't be a big deal to them either but they will be aware that whatever they said isn't right. Sometimes a person doesn't think about what they say or do and if you call them out on it they might appreciate and become more aware of themselves.

2015-02-23T16:12:56+00:00

I know you said you've already read a lot of books but No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover really helped me get over this exact problem.

Sedditor829 · 2015-02-23T20:29:40+00:00

HOnestly bro you could probably help yourself out a whole lot to see a therapist/counselor for a little while. Even like three months can help you see what things you're doing that are keeping you from expressing yourself. Be picky, a good therapist is not nearly as much about credentials as about connecting and relating to them. I would suggest another man, personally.

Just an insider tip: When you start getting assertive some people will flip out on you cause they're insecure and have problems, too. A lot of it is because it works on passive people (like you). You also might do the same for a while when learning assertiveness. Don't sweat it, it's all part of learning something new.

palelilyz · 2015-02-24T02:11:02+00:00

Female here, but it doesn't quite matter. I was the same way, I let people run all over me and worst of all was my family. I grew up thinking the same way, I'm passive aggressive. Only when it got really bad did I utter anything in my own defense. I can't say what exactly changed, but I took a job doing tech support over a year ago, and well.. people are rude, a lot. They argue with you when you're right, they make you uncomfortable, they piss you of to no end and they make you want to end the call, go to their house and leave a flaming bag of shit on their porch. Why don't you? Because you can't! I've always had the fight or flight feeling when confronted, flight always wins, always. After dealing with people who confront me through a phone, they are only a voice on the line, I control the situation, they can be mad, but they can't hurt me. They can rant and rage on me, but after a while I became less sensitive, less panic, and I've been able to handle those situations differently, they've become easier as time has passed, while over the phone at work, or in person. It carries over, with each small step comes confidence in yourself. Keep trying!

bananabreadmuffins · 2015-02-23T14:52:41+00:00

It feels like you're expecting immediate results. Changing yourself can take anywhere from 1 minute to 10 years. It all depends on who you are, how hard you wanna work, and how badly you want to change. "I just go back to failing" nut up brother. That's the mindset that makes you go right back to who you are. I'm not going to put this nicely (it helps when people are utterly cold in their honesty) stop being a little bitch. Stop Taking people's shit, you don't have to. And stop being so insecure, go reread your books. Lift weights. Write a list of your own pros and cons. Get off your ass and stop with the depressive "i feel like I'm just a total piece of shit" guess what? Think you're a whiney little piece of shit that's exactly what you'll be. "Baww they're being mean" so spit some shit back. Go along with their jokes. You have the mentality of a kid that's being bullied, puff your chest out stop taking people's shit and be your own man damnit.

FYI DOWNVOTE FAIRIES:i wrote that like a complete asshole on purpose. I'm not gonna nicely put that he's being a wuss about his situation.

TL:DR Man the fuck up.

ALTE12EGO · 2015-02-23T12:48:40+00:00

try to channel your energy into rage. as soon as you feel the emotion try to hold it and amplify it. Think about the thing that pisses you off the most and get angry.

Title	Cant stand up for myself, I just ignore when people treat me wrong
Author	lurker10101010
Upvotes	76
Comments	55
Date	February 23, 2015 9:26 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/2wuujh/cant_stand_up_for_myself_i_just_ignore_when/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/cant-stand-up-for-myself-i-just-ignore-when-people.1384378 https://theredarchive.com/post/1384378

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