Anybody else feels too "damaged" to get girls?

rhahalo · 2017-04-11T02:49:43+00:00

It's not just you. That being said now that you've realized this you've arrived at a crossroads. You could either keep doing the same things and who knows you might wake up being the man you want to be. Far more likely you'll still feel as boring and insecure. On the other hand you could start working out, reading and try to talk to everyone for no reason other than to talk. You might be suprised how quickly you'll end up changing, I know I am every day. I say to myself constantly "I will be better than the previous day, I will see the positive and enjoy myself". Now am I doing amazing every day? Hell no. But I keep it up. If I end up embarrassed or shy I work through that in the gym. I'm still learning how to interact socially but since I've taken charged and decided to stop being content with MY status quo my appreciation of life has skyrocketed.

DevilInANewDress69 · 2017-04-11T02:23:55+00:00

I used to think like you do. So I can empathize. usually I tell people how to go about fixing this mindset biut everyone I tell is too lazy or doesn't believe it. so now I just offer my empathy. good luck bro, the answer is out there

Vapo · 2017-04-11T02:07:48+00:00

I feel you.

UndidIridium · 2017-04-11T16:49:38+00:00

Can relate, you have no idea. Since you now have had the most important epiphany, here are a few guidelines to build up your self-esteem:

When you catch your mind wandering towards "what others might think of you," interrupt your mind's voices with, "STFU. Most people are judgmental anyway, and they can feel free to think whatever they want. And it. does. not. matter." As time goes on, your mind will need to do this less and less. And that is a good thing.
Make a list of what you want the best version of you to be. Read it every now and then. Also, update that list with more (skill sets/behavioral frame/etc.) goals as time goes on.
Understand that you will never be the 'best version of you,' simply because you are human. And that is a good thing -- the constant drive to achieve that person will keep you busy. Plus, you'll continuously be improving yourself regardless. You still win.
If your current social circle sucks? You realize that you can make new friends, right? It's not like there's a maximum friend count cap per lifetime. Try to surround yourself with people that bring out the best in you.
You will have good days... and you will have bad days. Sometimes, "down" days will be consecutive. Understand that they pass. Every time. Remember that "best version of you" list? There should be tons of other items on it you could, and should, be working on.
If you're an alcoholic, you need to stop binge drinking. Quit alcohol entirely if you can. But if you consider that blasphemy, learn to control your drinking to be set to "occasional only," at most.
Stop comparing yourself to others. That exercise results in no useful information whatsoever anyway. Hence, nothing but a waste of time and energy.
Don't focus on getting girls. Focus on you; invest in yourself, in all aspects of you. All other matters are merely additional spices to the life you're building for you.
No one likes a pity party. You catch your mind in one? Promptly un-invite yourself, and get busy with that list.
You are not out to impress anybody. Nor need any external validation. The only one person you should be working on impressing, is yourself.

ThatSheetIsBananasYo · 2017-04-11T03:11:14+00:00

You can't change your past, but you can change your future. It's gonna be a long journey, but that's kinda the point. don't worry about what others think of you, just make yourself a you that you are proud of, and others will notice. it won't be quick or easy, but it can be done. good luck op

xarthass · 2017-04-11T04:07:04+00:00

Stop drinking. Stop drugging. Start exercising. Get therapy. Get your life back on track.

I've been down some of the darkest roads and was ashamed for too long. These things really helped turn a sullied past into bedrock character. Remember that your relationship with yourself need not be adversarial.

David_Brockbot · 2017-04-11T02:25:25+00:00

I do actually, and even when I try to improve my 20 year old self it seems like I repel girls, and even guys too.

I talk properly, atleast I think I do, although when I'm at home I'm more monotone and tend to hang around family more than I should. They are always trying to figure out what I'm up to, blah blah blah. I get it, they know I have issues to work on, but it just makes me uncomfortable at times.

I probably have self esteem issues along with ADD and anxiety, which I take medications for. Sometimes, like today, I just can't even look at myself in the mirror. I lose confidence because it feels like I'm fighting multi-front battles, like grades/school issues and self hating because I'm not in the major I was originally in, dwindling group of acquaintances and no friends, maybe because I've never drunk alcohol or did drugs (or less likely but possible, skin color), mostly at work and less even at school, apprehension towards going to the gym (although after seeing the date that got away text me yesterday that she was coming from the gym, I got embarrased, so that'll quickly change for my own good) and boring hobbies like computers, news and politics (the things I focus on with my main acct here), and semi-attachment to music genres that I grew up with around the house like smooth jazz and old school R&B that have no relevance today.

So that's my entire life is just a mishmash of boredom, although I know it is easy to change and I could be in a much more introverted position. It's not that I don't wan't to talk to new people, it's that I'm afraid too because I think I have such a shitty background and trajectory. These subconscious thoughts invade my day-to-day logistics and internal decisions and actually makes me extremely anxious in uncomfortable and/or one-on-one situations with other people.

I hope someone has ideas on how I can improve myself and expand my social circle, because I got knocked flat on my fucking ass yesterday and I can't find a way to get up.

Fox_Red · 2017-04-11T04:52:26+00:00

First of all stop saying you can't change. This is what people come here for, I've changed thousands of others have changed.

Go to the gym, get yourself on a good diet. Start bettering yourself in ways you can control, your job, school whatever you do in life.

You should start going out on weekends, go out to bars, get yourself comfortable with being out. Have some drinks, talk to people (it doesn't need to be girls). Get yourself used to being social. Last week I went our, started gaming these girls a guy noticed right away swooped in and offered us all free drinks. He ended up being an awesome guy, I actually just let him have the girls cause he bought me and my friend over 40$ of drinks. (Abundance who cares so many else out there)

You can be cool, your just setting boundaries for yourself. You can easily turn into that guy that everyone wants to talk to.

VanillaThunder324 · 2017-04-11T03:00:01+00:00

Hey man, I'm sorry to hear you're in a rough spot. I had a nasty time a couple years ago and ended up drinking away my sorrows. Still working off the beer fat now, but getting there.

Bottom line is that you're not damaged. Hurt maybe, but hurt heals if you let it. If someone is putting you down they arent someone you need in your life. Don't give their opinion power over you.

I don't claim to know the answers or even to know all that much about it but if you want someone to talk to who made their way through some shitty times pm me and we can figure out a good way to communicate.

Best of luck to you

Turlast · 2017-04-11T06:50:00+00:00

Sometimes I feel that way. I almost 30 and I'm not getting any younger. It's an awful feeling, but I know it's no ones fault but my own.

SyrusDrake · 2017-04-11T10:44:34+00:00

A good social life and social confidence are important. But what's the definition of that? There are introverted and extraverted people. With both traits come different definitions of social life and social confidence. Now which group do you think is more likely to be vocal and public about their ideal?
What I'm getting at is: The idea that girls like social guys who frequent bars and clubs and talk to everyone is spread by extraverts because it's true for them and you just don't hear about the introvert ideal. There are gals who function just like you, who prefer "shy" guys.
Wanting to be the best version of yourself is a noble goal but don't strive to be someone you're not. It's just gonna ruin you.

beastboi27 · 2017-04-11T13:17:03+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Spaceman7Spiff · 2017-04-11T16:08:24+00:00

The bottom line is that you are never going to get where you want to be with the mindset you have. As I read your post, frankly, I feel repulsed and I'm not saying that to be mean but if that's the vibe you're giving off, then of course nobody is going to respect you.

A lot of guys will parrot back the same old PUA advice, "hit the gym, hit the bars, stop drinking." This advice, while generally good, is not one-size-fits-all. I think you should be engaging in activities that make you feel fulfilled. And if that happens to involve other, like-minded people, then that's a bonus.

There must be something that you love doing; something you can say is your thing.

Personally, I'm a shit dancer, I hate club music, and I can't stand large groups of strangers. However, I love my friends like they're family, I love singing karaoke in small dive bars, and I love riding motorcycles. These activities effectively take the place of "clubbing," so much so, in fact, that I don't mind hitting the club once in a while and making an ass out of myself on the dance floor because it's entirely meaningless to my self-image.

The overall point I'm trying to make here, is that you should do things you like to do simply because you like to do them, not to try to transform yourself into James Bond... that part will happen on its own when you're happy and fulfilled.

Chicagoj1563 · 2017-04-11T17:10:52+00:00

I know where you are coming from because I was exactly like you when I was in my 20s. There are a few things I notice when reading your post. Let me go through a few things.

"I feel like throughout my life I've had bad experiences that had screwed up my mentality and the way I approach life. "

This may be true, I feel the same way. in fact some of the most damaging things anyone ever said to me came from my family. The thing is I can't change what people have said or the damage that was done, but I do have a choice on whether or not I use it as an excuse to blame my problems on. Its our responsibility to solve our problems, whether we get help or not. Blaming others is a good way to stay in a rut and not changing.

"I always seem to be misunderstood and looked down upon. People seem to think I'm too shy and meek..I always have problems with confidence and I'm rarely ever happy."

Are you certain people are thinking all these things? Is it possible you are assuming they are? Even if some are, is it just a few people here and there?

I don't know your thoughts, but it sounds like you have a really negative way of talking to yourself. I realize you may be venting a little with your post, so I'm only going on that. Also, I don't mean it in a negative way. Self talk is something you can change. But, it's not always something people think about. Consider that you may be telling yourself a lie when you think people are looking down at you.

Have you pushed your comfort zone and taken action that involves other people much? Is it possible you haven't really taken many social risks and are just doing the same things you always have been doing?

As someone else mentioned, a therapist could probably help. I wish I would have went to see one back when I was going through a similar situation. If you can't afford it, check online options and support groups through local hospitals. Other than that, you can build social skills. But you have to take consistent action and be in a positive place. Perhaps working on that conversation that goes on in your mind in reaction to interacting with people is a good place to start.

entity314159 · 2017-04-11T07:30:58+00:00

I understand you. Your mental health should be your top priority. Not chasing girls.

I understand because I too feel this way. I fight the same fight you do. Every day.

The way I see it is coming to terms with the traumatic events of your life, right? And finding closure and accepting how you are and why you are and truly knowing, deep within, that change will only come to you if you work hard at it.

JayDub460 · 2017-04-11T08:24:32+00:00

Just remember, other people's opinions of you are none of your business

nononimi · 2017-04-11T11:33:17+00:00

Try stop fapping, give it a try for 30 days

2017-04-11T15:28:31+00:00

Yeah man, gotta work through this shit before any of these seduction tactics help. Therapy may be helpful if you have money.

kinosavy · 2017-04-11T16:38:15+00:00

I totally relate. I always way too fucked up for anyone to be interested in me. What did I do? At first I stated not giving a fuck about what other people think. Then I started to get some things done well. And it turns out that I started to feel worthy because of me. I mean, I'm somehow no longer sad to be me. Then after that you don't care about girls in the sense that you don't try to impress them or to like them. And then they get curious about you. I gave up approaching girls. Some people here thinks that's a flaw. Maybe I need to work on that. But the good thing is that some girls will get curious about you. They will approach. You'll present you and your stuff. What feels good is not that a girl approach you to get to know you, what feels good is that you'd say your things not giving a single shit about what she thinks. Things will flow naturally if it has to be that way. And at all times take care of you.

Elite-hacks · 2017-04-11T17:55:28+00:00

Dude you are depressed. You have no motivation, so what you NEED right now is dicipline. Depression is your brain TRICKING ITSELF into feeling dread and deleting motivation and related shit. Trick your brain right back and start running and working out.

You are me about 1 year ago. Right now is the time for hard work, not women. It pays off later to be lonely now, TRUST ME. Work on yourself 100%, stick to a routine, a healthy positive one. And dont break it for a year.

I have made some bad decisions and got my heart broken sooo many times. Each time I considered killing myself over it, but now I laugh at the thought of killing myself over anything, let alone a girl.

You havent "missed out" on anything per se, you just made sacrifices.

Radicalmattitude1 · 2017-04-11T17:57:08+00:00

Sounds like you have a lot of inner work to do man. I think most people feel like this to varying degrees, and that's OK!

Try googling "heart meditations." Or "meeting your inner child". These concepts may sound hippy woo-woo but they are extremely effective.

People often have trouble accepting themselves because they can't accept the wounds of the past. And instead of learning to love even the most ugly parts of ourselves, we cover up the shame with emotional blockers. This pushes all of our authentic, creative power deep into our subconscious and makes you depressed as fuck. The trick is to feel the emotions that are trapped deep inside and come to accept them. Maybe you were hurt, ashamed, embarrassed, betrayed - this shit goes far back , often times to our childhoods.

Try looking up the concepts I mentioned above. Once you can feel into these emotions, you can "let go" and this amazing feeling of peace will wash over you. Even the most broken people can achieve this. I believe in you dude! Love yourself first ❤️

JE163 · 2017-04-11T22:05:36+00:00

Your confidence is equal to your ability to step into and manage tension, so you'll have to go out and do the things that frighten you. The key is to step just outside your comfort zone until you are comfortable and then take another step. Don't go big right away. Small but consistent steps.

2017-04-11T22:22:58+00:00

i´m also feeling like shit, the most i could do was talking to one girl in a bus station, but that´s it

2017-04-11T15:51:04+00:00

You sound a lot like my room mate. He has the same problem too, he says he's too damaged to date so he lives vicariously through my friends and myself and treats our girlfriends really well. Don't worry you're not alone.

I noticed that his biggest problem is the fear of failure. He's afraid of putting effort into anything that might not work out. The moment he realizes it's going to be challenging, he gives up.

The way to get out of your slump is to take small progressive steps. You say you work out, but do you push yourself? You say you eat healthy but is it the right meals for what you want to accomplish?

I'm going to be the Devils advocate and say you're not. Just like my room mate, when we used to go to the gym together, he would give up when I try pushing him for one more rep or set. He stayed the same weight for lifting for over 2 months. Thats not even maintaining anymore since your body is used to it.

So long story short, it is you. It was you to begin with and it will be you when it ends. You need to learn to push yourself. Once you push yourself in one aspect of your life, it carries over to other aspects of your life and eventually you'll become better than you ever expected.

11-Eleven-11 · 2017-04-11T16:39:27+00:00

Try and set a five year plan of where you want to be and stay focused on that goal.

GainzdalfTheWhey · 2017-04-11T18:58:37+00:00

Girls are all kinds damaged. Don't believe that. I do believe I'm too damaged for kids though

Title	Anybody else feels too "damaged" to get girls?
Author	beastboi27
Upvotes	48
Comments	59
Date	April 11, 2017 12:29 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/64nj9w/anybody_else_feels_too_damaged_to_get_girls/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/anybody-else-feels-too-damaged-to-get-girls.1423181 https://theredarchive.com/post/1423181

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