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[–]ModeratorCaptain_w00t 35 points36 points37 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
It depends by what you mean for “standards”. If you’re waiting for Prince Charming, that’s fantasy, not a standard.
If you mean a healthy/stable/mature/honest/caring person, then it’s legit to look for someone like that.
[–]StephenDawg 15 points16 points17 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This.
It's hard to say what your guy friend was referring to. People self reporting things like this, and asking advice, often have a way of phrasing things in the most favorable light for themselves - and so getting the answer they want.
[–][deleted] 5 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
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[–]im_a_teapot_dude 6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
It’s entirely possible to have unrealistic standards that only serve the function of keeping you from whatever it is you’re looking for.
I’d say do the math: put down a list of traits that are important to you, guess how common they are, multiply the percentages all together, then see how rare such a person would be: if it’s literally 1 in 1,000,000, you can choose a life of (probably) no partners, or you can lower your standards.
Also, people often confuse “standards” with “screening methods”. A “standard” is something that you want/need in a partner, such as honesty, steady income, physical attraction, etc.
A screening method is something you don’t care about, but you think it gives you insight into them—“oh, he’s very charming, he must be a player”, well, fuck, no, he might just be charismatic and completely monogamous.
People over-rate how much information they have about other people’s personality; see the “fundamental attribution error”.
[–]Futurenurse2000 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Like what I responded in a previous comment, Physically, I don’t really care about looks (of course, I still have to be physically attracted to them in some way).
I’m more so looking mentally, what they’re doing in life (whether they have their priorities straight), hobbies, if we also get along together and so on. And I’m also the type of girl to take it slow with meeting new people like, I have to get to know you first for at least 2 months or so before I make the decision whether I wanna go out on a date with you or not.
Sometimes I do think that I’ve set unrealistic standards but I just don’t want to play around with relationships anymore you know. I want a mature and serious relationship.
[–]im_a_teapot_dude 10 points11 points12 points 5 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
I have to get to know you first for at least 2 months or so before I make the decision whether I wanna go out on a date with you or not.
Ah, yeah, so this isn't what I would call a "standard"; this is a screening mechanism.
I understand the desire to feel safe and comfortable.
It's perfectly valid and ok to take as much time as you want. However, it's also perfectly valid and ok for men to lose interest, or wind up in the beginnings of a relationship with someone else in that time (Indeed, I just started dating a girl; it's been a week and I'm already not looking at my online dating profiles nor particularly interested in following up with chats--but that's because I've seen her frequently, there's no way I'd reduce my interest in or activity with other girls because I was texting one).
Why does all of this need to be figured out before the first date? Isn't that what dating is for?
Consider this: there's a guy who's emotionally mature, looking for a relationship, has his life in order ("priorities straight", I assume means job/some wealth (say, a car & lives on his own), plus no major addictions, not a criminal, good social life, etc), and is reasonably physically attractive.
First, how many of such men are there? Now think, how many other women want exactly that same set of characteristics? So how many women are you competing with for that guy's attention?
If they're all of those things and a confident man, by the time you're willing to entertain a first date with these guys, they've already found a new girlfriend and have stopped texting you. You're effectively screening out all the most desirable men.
Further, men are, in many respects, visual creatures. You can put two circles and a triangle on a wall in a men's restroom and men will look at it, ok? If you want to keep a guy's attention, letting him see you is going to help.
I'll repeat what I've said to many, I'm not sure if it fits here so I'll leave that for you to decide: You're avoiding rejection. Unfortunately, avoiding rejection also means avoiding acceptance. You have to decide if the risk of rejection is worth the chance of something wonderful.
If you feel you really need to know someone for months before a first date, you're basically limited to dating your social circle, so ... may I suggest making many, many more friends?
Anyway, best of luck, it's a crazy world out there.
Edit: One last thing to mention with online dating--some women out there aren't even interested in dating, they just want the validation of being wanted by guys, so long texting periods give men the impression that you're one of those, and are utterly wasting their time.
[–]Futurenurse2000 3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Omg damn okay. Thanks for honest and detailed answer. I really appreciate it. I have considered this idea a few times but would it be wrong to get to know this person as a friend first and see where it works out from there?
[–]im_a_teapot_dude 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I really appreciate it.
Thanks, that's nice to hear. :)
but would it be wrong to get to know this person as a friend first and see where it works out from there?
Of course not! Friends become lovers all the time. You're just limited to dating your social circle, which is much harder to grow than it is to get a guy on a date.
Thing is, don't you basically want a non-partier stable long-term-focused geek boy? They (we, lol) aren't likely to have huge social circles or be expanding them right now. Online dating is where you'll find 'em, and you'll probably have to sort through a lot of chaff to find the wheat, the thing is, the most eligible men looking for commitment get snapped up super quickly, while the least eligible/most avoidant of commitment stay on there forever, so you have to keep sorting through until one of the ones that's getting snapped up is getting snapped up by you.
I'd recommend being upfront in your bio about what kind of timeline is realistic to maybe see you in person if you like each other. And then be prepared with the patience you'll need for the many men who didn't read your bio. The goal here would be to convince men who do read bios that it isn't hopeless to talk to you. My guess is you'll wind up talking with a number of relatively lonely men, which is a lot of us on online dating, so maybe it'll work out.
Also, I guess religious boys are probably more likely to be ok with waiting to meet you in person, so if that's up your alley maybe focus on that somehow?
[–]GotDatObamacare 3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Two months before the first date? To each their own but damn
[–]Futurenurse2000 -1 points0 points1 point 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah I know, terrible trust issues 😔✊🏼
[–]cottagecorehoe 5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I've said something about this in another comment, but I'll paste it here!
Everyone is allowed to have standards and honestly, it's up to you if it is too much. You just have to understand that the more standards you add, the more you tighten and lessen your dating pool of people who fit the bill, so it might take you longer to find a partner. You have to weigh the importance of having a partner with the importance of having the right partner and decide that balance.
I (a woman) too have standards, but I balance it out with having an open mind. I know what things are must-haves and what things are just nice-to-haves and I don't expect someone to "tick off all the boxes" before considering them. If enough/a few feel right, I'll give it a date or two; no harm in giving someone you have a good feeling about a chance.
[–]Futurenurse2000 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Yeah I definitely feel you. I’ve just been really picky these days as most of the guys I’ve met are still dating to waste time and they all have a trait that I really don’t like.
[–]cottagecorehoe 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Hey, I feel that hard. You aren’t alone. I think most guys closer to my age are not yet looking for something serious, whereas I’d like a relationship to eventually end up serious. For this reason I tend to go for guys a (reasonable) bit older.
One thing might be the pandemic, depending on where you are. I’ve noticed that most people have flocked to dating apps now out of boredom and not to properly date; I’ve personally taken a break from dating because of this and a lack of opportunity to naturally meet people.
If you don’t like that trait, then you don’t like it! Don’t force yourself into dating someone you already don’t like; that’s unfair to you and to the other person.
Good luck to you!
[–]DaydreamingMister 5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link
Here is the recipe I recommend (it captures the journey that led to finding my amazing sweetheart)…
Step one: Have your super high standards.
Step two: Begin to improve yourself so you resemble your standards.
Step three: Watch how peaceful, strong, and complete you start to feel as you improve yourself, until eventually you see that what you want is exactly what you attract by the person you become.
[–]Futurenurse2000 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Ohh I definitely will try that out! Lately it’s hard because of covid but I will definitely try. What do you mean by step two though? Like by resembling your standards, can you elaborate on that a little more?
[–]DaydreamingMister 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
For example, when I was getting clear on the fact that I wanted someone spiritual, confident, fit, happy, great communicator, et cetera... I began to also examine myself and focus on investing more in my own spirituality, and humble self-confidence, and exercise & nutrition, and relationship skills of how to understand emotions and communicate like an adult, etc.
I was aware that attracting someone and KEEPING them attracted to me would be possible if I brought the same kinds of qualities I was hoping to find in the dating partner.
I mean, I couldn’t say I insist on someone who is a great communicator, if I myself tended to bring drama, have tantrums and blow-ups, and shut down or get defensive instead of being able to listen and collaborate to work out differences.
[–]Futurenurse2000 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah I understand. I definitely will start doing that asap. I do also have a few toxic traits that I do need to change/unlearn and I agree I won’t be able to attract someone with similar traits that I want from a partner if I am the opposite of what I am looking for
[–]mojojojo2069 5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
What are your standards?
[–]Futurenurse2000 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Physically, I don’t really care about looks (of course, I still have to be physically attracted to them in some way). I’m more so looking mentally, what they’re doing in life (whether they have their priorities straight), if we also vibe together. And I’m the type of girl to take it slow with meeting new people like, I have to get to know you first for at least a month or so before I make the decision whether I wanna go out on a date with you or not.
[–]PeperoParty 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Haha you pretty much said the same thing my gf did and she’s the most beautiful girl in the world. You must be beautiful too:)
Good luck!
[–]atomtom65 3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Just remember nobody is perfect. You won't find that.
[–]Futurenurse2000 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Yeah for sure. It’s just hard for me to keep my guard down with how guys in my city are, cuz all of them are very similar in terms of partying, clubbing, drinking
[–]atomtom65 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Change the environment you are looking for a mate in. Im 30 now and I can tell you that I wasted YEARS in those places. I wasnt even REALLY having fun. I thought I was just playing the game, unfortunately I was just wasting my time.
[–]Futurenurse2000 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Okay that makes total sense, thank you! I definitely feel like I am looking at the wrong place but I’m not sure where to look to be honest. All the guys my age all go clubbing/partying/drinking and I know for sure they’re not my type but i don’t know where else to look
[–]theforgeproject 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I’m getting that you’re in your mid 20’s and are seeing the futility of how you’ve been doing things. You’ve been through the flings and want to feel valued. Something to ask yourself is: “what do I bring to the table?”
Would you know how to conduct yourself in the presence of a real man? Do you know what you have beyond your looks? Do you know what your values, principles and codes are? Do you live them? This is how men (not males) think.
Also consider dating up in age. Early to mid 30’s is a good place bc that’s when guys generally start hitting their stride in life both internally and externally.
[–]pua_max 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Keep them high, but also improve yourself. I’ve always had high standards for women, but I don’t think my personal value has been commensurate with them until fairly recently.
[–]FlanneryODostoevsky 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Depends on what areas the high standards are in. Some women have been treated horribly and thus have high standards for respect. Others dont likw watching a guy stagnate and not being overtly successful so they avoid those who dont live a certain lifestyle. Either way, dont ask for perfection because it is not perfection which you offer.
Yeah I understand what you mean. It’s just hard cuz I feel like alot of guys in my city are all about playing around and just having sex so it’s hard to find someone who actually wants a serious relationship. I was talking to a guy a few months ago (before covid) and all he ever was was going clubbing, partying and drinking and that just made me uninterested 😂
[–]FlanneryODostoevsky 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Word. For not wanting that id say you have decent standards. I matched with this lady on bumble and she was from mf Iowa saying guys there just want sex on the app. So i guess its just a thing. But i think being upfront as a female is good. I personally have looked for sex or an fwb but let a girl tell me she wants a relationship. Ill put in even more work.
But at the end of the day, we all want someone who treats us right. A lot of the other stuff blocks our vision of how we are treated. I'm sure you understand.
It’s just hard cuz I feel like alot of guys in my city are all about playing around and just having sex so it’s hard to find someone who actually wants a serious relationship.
The vast majority of men are driven for sex with many girls.
It's wired into us. It's up to you to convince one that he should abandon that for just you--that's also wired into us, but it isn't nearly so easy as convincing a guy to have sex with you.
Most men are open to sex with any reasonably non-crazy, reasonably attractive woman. They're open to relationships with girls who seem rare enough and compatible enough to abandon that for. Figure out what it is you are offering. :)
[–]Idontlikeredditors6 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Your guy friend is trying to bang you.
[–]amazinglittlebird 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Same here, keep them high
[–]FlirtyOwl 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Not if you can own it. But I think you should revise your standards in order for them to be adjusted to reality aka what you have to 'choose' from. If what you want is human decency and companionship you should find it easy enough, a lot of people lack that in their lifes. If you want someone in the same financial bracket you are in, it reduces the prospects by how well you are off in life unfortunatly, so the more successfull you are, the less of a pool you have. If on top of that, or by any order you want to prioritize, you want someone 6'0plus you are excluding about 87% of all men and 99% of all women ( just by the height standard alone) who possibly passed all the previous standards. Damn only 2 inches more at 6'2 you removed 96% of all men from the pool . Perfect smile. Funny. Great with kids. All of them add up and 'eliminate' possibilities.. Im not saying at all you should not have standards, if it doesnt make you happy or fullfilled its dead anyway. Just put in prespective what you are asking for and be the judge of how likely you are to find it in a real human being. Good luck!
[–]tibles20 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
If you have a standard you will never find a man ànd you don't want to be loved
[–]fmzh 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Sometimes lowering your standars can helps to discover a world of amazing guys.
It’s fine to have high standards. But understand that drastically shrinks your choices. So don’t complain for being lonely for months or even years
[–]Philipparty 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Depends on the standard. Are they healthy/realistic? Or toxic, superficiall, or avoidant?
Standards are a good thing, if it is for the right reason.
[–]_Rynzler_ 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Aint nothing wrong with having standards. But sometimes i see below average girls telling me their standards and its like “come on lets be real...”. But then unlike men they actually date thise guys.
[–]deathbecomesme123456 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
If they’re things you can’t accept in a partner, then don’t accept them. Standards are individual for a reason. If you personally don’t like someone who is a gamer, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with gaming, it just means it’s not for YOU. You don’t want to end up in a relationship that you’re regretting or that turns you off or that you feel you have to make yourself like them.
[–]_sandman_96 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
As long as you have the same high standards for yourself as well, fuck what they think, you know what you want and shouldnt have to compromise your own happiness to be in a relationship, the right person will make themselves known
[–]Academic-Roll-71 point 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
There’s nothing wrong with having high standards, that means you value yourself and want what you think you deserve (something I’ve struggled with in the past)
However, you should ask yourself if you actually have high standards or if they are unrealistic standards, two completely different things.
[–]bluejay88880 points 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Bump.
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[–]FlanneryODostoevsky 2 points3 points4 points (3 children) | Copy Link
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[–]Academic-Roll-71 point [recovered] | Copy Link
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