He goes days without texting/communication, situationship w benefits but I want a relationship, what to do? (mid 20's)

Jenneapolis · 2024-06-23T21:42:47+00:00

It’s been 6 months, you should have defined the relationships months ago. I know there’s fear it won’t go your way but it’s time.

This is why guys love casual relationships, they can disappear and know you can’t complain because you aren’t together. It is on you to have the hard conversation.

zaftig_stig · 2024-06-24T05:44:17+00:00

Some wise friends told me, when I was in a similar situation, that when someone truly cares for you, they don’t leave you wondering what your status is.

TheBunk_TB · 2024-06-24T12:33:03+00:00

You approved of it by doing nothing and saying nothing.

You are better off moving on

Kasumyi · 2024-06-24T16:14:28+00:00

Your frustration is valid, consistency & communication are the bare minimums in any relationship worth your time. All I’m about to say are just assumptions I’m expanding on in case you might need for future reference too.

Inconsistency

His pattern of behavior tells you exactly where you stand with him. Going days without texting, despite being consistent for a while, is a classic move to keep someone interested while maintaining their freedom. Good morning texts are super easy, especially if they’ve made a habit of doing so. I’ve met so many players who do this regularly. Even if he’s not a player, as long as it keeps you around without losing his autonomy (people who are scared of commitment are often scared of like being trapped or something, often “avoidant attachment styles” who are emotionally unavailable), he’ll keep doing it.

Now, some might argue, “oh no guy would go through that effort” but the guys who KNOW it’s power on the right woman, will get into the habit of doing it. It gives the illusion of emotional intimacy, consistency & care, all FOR FREE & no effort. I mean it was just enough for you to think he was interested & so you emotionally invested. Bingo!

He disappears for days and then picking up like nothing happened. Have you noticed any patterns when the streak breaks? (I’m curious. Is it on the weekends? Is it when y’all getting closer? Is it after oral?). I’m a psychology freak & all humans act predictably one way or another. It’s extremely beneficial if you find patterns in his character including why the streaks break. To further understand this guy I 200% suggest looking into “4 attachment styles”, and “4 communication styles (assertive, passive etc). You’ll be shoookkkk! Use multiple sources.

Strategy

When he goes days without texting, match his energy. Don’t text during his ghosting, and when he comes back reply late & be less available. Don’t be coochie ready at his service whenever he’s suddenly ready to chill or needs a distraction lmao. Every time he’s inconsistent appear turned off, or like you’ve gotten the ick (be sure to analyse how he responds to anything you do, it’s easy if you imagine the possibilities and see how he reacts).

Now it’s been however long you thought was enough to keep him interested & not push way (If you’ve pushed him away & it hasn’t been long then he’s definitely uninterested)… If you want a relationship one thing you could do is to SLOWLY pull back your investment. How? Stop giving him girlfriend privileges. No more cuddling, oral, or any benefits (that your bf wouldn’t like for you to do). He will notice this change, & it’s extremely important he doesn’t see it as punishment, a trick or manipulative.

When he asks, you can say something like:

“I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I genuinely want a relationship (watch his immediate body language & don’t forget “micro-expressions” & wait for his reply so you can assess his feelings). If I were to get a boyfriend in the future, how would I explain who you are to him? If I suddenly had a boyfriend tomorrow, how would he feel knowing I’ve been with someone else so recently?” Bla bla bla (just look like you respect and value your future man)… (and if you think it’s appropriate based on the situation & his demeanour you can add “I don’t want to push you away or anything, because I really like our time together, I’m just letting you know because you asked” & “I can’t really lie to my future bf, nor do I want to, ever. Ever.”)

With that you can know what is his stance on your relationship before saying anything directly to him. Additionally, because this guy sees you as someone casual & convenient, this may help change his perspective of you & see you as deeper than an acquaintance (think of a character that’s well written in a show, with deep history reflecting her present actions), and you can have a deep conversation after this where you can get closer too.

Further Insight

Remember I’m a psychology freak so pardon me if my wordings sound weird

It’s extremely important you understand this. Often friends with benefits are closer to acquaintances in terms of the deepness & emotional intimacy of the relationship + how well you know each other, so it’s hard to see someone as like a potential significant other. This “acquaintances” situationship is the reason why most don’t care if it ends or not.

But honestly, once things get sexual it’s almost impossible to backtrack, it’s hard to be seen beyond acquaintances when before you get closer, y’all fck first & it’s now a habit (and he might not want to change that habit suddenly either).

I don’t want to say you may be done for, but another advice I could give on top is to try to deepen the bond between you. (Before saying the boyfriend thing above, you might want to do this first in a way where he feels like you could’ve been going somewhere emotionally—it needs to happen long enough that he genuinely believes this)

Increase the intensity (how strongly you are able to satisfy another person’s psychological needs). Do you engage their emotions or thoughts? What similar childhood experiences that you have that bonds you and make y’all look a lot similar? Do you have playful personal nicknames? Do you have inside jokes/language? Do you have shared goals/dreams? Do you engage in politically incorrect humour? How many good AND BAD (this important) experiences have you went through together? Are you guys emotionally vulnerable with each other (if you’re uncomfy, you can exaggerate secrets you’re willing to tell, making them bigger than they actually are)? Do you have habits/traditions that revolve the 2 of you (eg, weekly game night, monthly dates, cooking/gym/hobbies together. It must be natural & not appear artificial but more like a habit y’all have)? Most importantly, when he’s with u, does he feel like he’s there with his best friend (or a GOOD friend, nobody is dating an acquaintance unless there’s additional benefits into claiming u like showing off to friends, looking good in public etc, anything that boosts his ego).

It’s also super important you don’t look like you’re bending ur back for him, everything u do needs to come across as natural, something you’d do for anybody (not just him, otherwise u’ll be seen as “passive communication style” & a doormat).

Obviously you know him more than all of us combined so it’s up to you to decide what will work etc. But please please please consider what I said about acquaintances in case it reflects your case. With this new perspective, hopefully you’ll know what’s right for you.

Update us in the future

Edit: I written better for clarification

KaptynEllie · 2024-06-24T18:24:58+00:00

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but it seems that he doesn't like you and is only using you for his personal gain. It appears that he has no desire to further a connection with you, and is only interested in one thing - sex. Men are generally straightforward and direct in their pursuit of relationships, unlike women who may give mixed signals. If you're uncertain about where you stand with him, it's best to have a direct conversation or assume that he doesn't plan on establishing anything with you.
His inconsistency indicates a lack of commitment, especially after becoming physically intimate. It seems like he got what he wanted, but it wasn't you.

PsychoticNurse · 2024-06-24T19:22:46+00:00

When a man treats you like an option, remove yourself from his life. Why would you put up with this? Feminists tell women that we have to accept being a FWB and being used for sex, that we're demanding and unreasonable if we want marriage.

A HVM would show you that he wants you in his life, he would make steps towards moving the relationship forward, he wouldn't be stringing you along as FWB. I would not put up with this and I suggest you don't either. Block him (he's only a FWB, not even a boyfriend) and move on. Next man you meet, tell him early on what you're looking for. When I met my husband, I told him on the first date that I'm looking to get married and will not be someone's girlfriend forever. It doesn't mean he had to marry me, but it meant that marriage should be his goal of dating. If a man gets scared away by that, then he did the vetting for you and saved you months or years of stress.

If you really want this guy (Idk why), then have one and only one talk with him. Tell him clearly what you're looking for, ask him to be honest if that's what he wants too. I would say his behavior shows he doesn't want anything serious, but you can try. And believe him if he says not right now or he doesn't want a serious relationship at all. Stop allowing this for your life. There are still so many good men out there who are looking for a woman to love him, and will want to get married.

floravanderrohe · 2024-06-24T15:53:05+00:00

Honestly, hes comfortable and you're not, so i would just focus on yourself for a while and make yourself happy. Do lots of self care and stuff that makes you happy, do things just for you and wait. When he comes around because the routine (conveniente for HIM) you openly and relaxedly (because you'll be happy and not thinking about him all the time) tell him what you want and need, give or take. Then see if he measures up. If he chickens out, bye! You'll be in a better place to take it from anyway and itll be less hard to let go and not take the bullcrap that occupies the space of something that is dying to come to you. Or: he awakens from the land of the lame and realizes what hes about to lose, and will step up to take that very place. Wish you all the best!

AutoModerator · 2024-06-23T21:19:34+00:00

Title: He goes days without texting/communication, situationship w benefits but I want a relationship, what to do? (mid 20's)

Author DarlinggD

Full text: I'm getting increasingly frustrated with this behavior as it has happened in the past, and started to happen more frequently. Basically, we have just been "talking" for quite a few months already since Jan... we started spending more time together in the beginning of May, go on walks, for food a few times, and I would go to his house to hangout there.. he made me tea and we would chill.. but it almost always ended in cuddling, making out and a couple of times oral.... that's the farthest we've gone... I am not proud of that and as a V card owner wanted to wait but our chemistry was wild and I was craving it too.. he was always very consistent with good morning texts and asked how my day was going every day for half a year... he always does but he sometimes goes days without talking to me... then will go back to the routine. This leaves me hurt and confused.. I need communication and consistency.. it makes me build resentment and wonder how he can do that. This time it's been 3 days already and nothing... I am wanting to give him the taste of his own medicine when he comes back.. but not sure how to go about it in a smart way... Do I need to game him more?? Do I just ghost him?? I feel like this messes with my emotions even though I am not letting it get to me this time as it has happened before, last time It almost sent me into a spiral, I was so upset; but I never reached out just waited for him to come back.... I know he doesnt have anyone else, he claims to be a bad texter... seems like hes emotionally unavailable...

I like him and want a future but I feel like this is not healthy and I was hoping to become a couple and be done with this uncertainty... I dont want to demand it or beg for it. Please help me ladies!!

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SunRose42 · 2024-06-25T19:29:42+00:00

By ghosting, I assume you mean you were texting him and he was ignoring you for a few days? Being sick isn’t really an excuse. You can always text someone, “hey I’m really sick and might not have the energy to text normally for a bit.”

If you want to have a relationship, you need to have that conversation asap. As for broaching that conversation…just ask him. Like literally just ask. The “feminine” way to ask is to ask while knowing you look great and channeling your feminine energy. (There is nothing unfeminine about clear communication, or about clarifying the nature of your relationship.) Be explicit about exclusivity, and don’t accept anything other than that and bf/gf. Even ask if he’d be willing to meet your friends and family sometime soon to gauge how serious he is.

If he doesn’t want it, dump him and move on! In future, I recommend avoiding anything even vaguely sexual until he’s committed to you.

youllknowwhenitstime · 2024-06-23T21:40:09+00:00

Daily good morning texts? Are you sure y'all aren't exclusive? Guys generally wouldn't bother with that for a fwb.

Title	He goes days without texting/communication, situationship w benefits but I want a relationship, what to do? (mid 20's)
Author	DarlinggD
Upvotes	5
Comments	35
Date	June 23, 2024 9:19 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1dmwks4/he_goes_days_without_textingcommunication/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/he-goes-days-without-textingcommunication.1522351 https://theredarchive.com/post/1522351

Comments

Inconsistency

Strategy

Further Insight