BF (26M) that I (26F) have been dating for 7 years says he should have more say in the relationship than I do. How would you react?

ArdentBandicoot · 2024-07-05T07:20:14+00:00

Anyone who gives non-RP advice on this thread without a *mod approved* posting history here will be removed and/or banned. This thread is attracting a lot of low quality non-RP advice that is jumping the gun. Including but not limited to: he is an abuser, he is controlling, give him an ultimatum, etc.

Wife_and_Mama · 2024-07-04T13:03:38+00:00

It sounds like he has a point, but it's also okay if that's not the relationship you want. If that's the case, then you need to start pulling your weight a little more. Obviously, this was a really heated discussion. Perhaps you two need to sit down and discuss how you feel about this dynamic, when you're not drunk.

CranberrySoftServe · 2024-07-04T12:51:12+00:00

I’m personally okay with a dynamic like that, because I trust that he will make good decisions for us. I actually like the calmness that comes with the dynamic, because I do not have to stress about making decisions, over worrying, or fixing issues constantly.

Have you read Alison Armstrong’s The Queen’s Code? I would recommend reading and digesting that before booking therapy, since he may view you booking therapy as you respecting the therapist’s opinions more than his, and it might add to his resentment.

It sounds like this conversation in particular got pushed much further than his capacity. When someone tells you to shut your mouth, it’s a clear cue to exit the conversation until heads are calmer, not add fuel to the fire and escalate the argument.

Tl;dr ultimately it’s up to you if you’re okay with this dynamic, but I feel current western society grooms us to believe a relationship is unhealthy if it isn’t 50/50, and before taking drastic measures, you might want to look into if you actually feel that’s the truth for you, and not just beliefs that you have picked up from the constant diet of modern feminism that we are fed.

p_235615 · 2024-07-04T07:16:55+00:00

You need to look at that dynamic more like he is a captain on a ship/plane/whatever. A captain will always relay on his 1st officer and usually listen to him or even allow him to do the calls, but in the end, he has to have the last say, as he holds the burden of responsibility.

What you were doing is basically mutiny.

CountTheBees · 2024-07-06T00:48:04+00:00

I've read your comments on the other post as well. When he gave you the choice - "fall in line or step up" you took it as him saying "fall in line" but I think he actually wants you to step up.

You perceive him as being really serious and analytical and I get that you're trying to introduce him to fun and spontaneity. But the reason he is serious and analytical is because he perceives the world as too chaotic. You bringing more chaos at the wrong place and wrong time is going to make him more serious... Not less. So you need to think about your whole approach. Maybe you two are drifting too far way from each other and need to come closer together. You need to become more like him if you want him to be more like you.

So, actionable advice.

Next time something goes wrong (even if it's not your fault)... Offer to make it good and follow through. Say, "please, let me handle it, I want you to see that I'm still capable". He will understand. Do this, and take on a few extra responsibilities (ask him what he needs help with), then get it right the next few times (double and triple check everything!!! Have a plan B and C!!) and he will start to trust you again.

In the long term, be childlike not childish. Finish your degree. Contribute financially. Be there when shit hits the fan. It sounds like he loves your childlike side... So play into that. But don't forget you need to make his load lighter, not heavier. If you're creating problems or he feels like he can't relax because of you that's not a good thing.

ArkNemesis00 · 2024-07-04T12:48:21+00:00

It can be helpful to think of male-led relationships like this:

It's not that you get less say, it's that if the two of you can't come to an agreement, you agree to try his way first (and to support his way, not sabotage it). If his way doesn't work then explain that you gave it your best shot but you're unhappy and can you please try it your way and if that doesn't work you can change things again.

It'd be best to have a conversation again when you're both sober and really, really try to figure out what he's trying to communicate. Don't let yourself make big assumptions, ask him to explain what he wants. Then take time to think it over.

As for his criticisms of you, I would read the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It will give you the tips you need to listen to him and to support. You will need this skill in any LTR.

sheistybitz · 2024-07-04T22:12:07+00:00

If you feel like dehumanised like you are cattle by him bringing up having more authority because he puts in more and takes care of you more then haven’t you been dehumanising like he is a work horse

VasiliyZaitzev · 2024-07-05T12:18:27+00:00

So I think it’s a bit odd that you guys are seven years into a relationship in the dynamic isn’t really set yet.

You do seem to have this idea that you want to be in a “50/50“ relationship when it comes to “having a say” (i.e. leadership) but it isn’t really 50-50 when it comes to everything else.¹ As you wrote, I don’t know you 100% know that he does 10x what you do. That’s probably an exaggeration but still.

It isn’t clear to me whether you want to be in a “male led” relationship at least consciously. It does, however, seem to me that he does. This model works for many people, but you have to decide if it is right for you. If you were otherwise happy with how things go and he’s usually making the decision then a little bit more deference from you probably is going to make things go more smoothly for you. You might start off by simply making him the “tiebreaker” - this is a good test because sometimes a woman will say that she wants to be submissive, until she doesn’t, because she doesn’t like a particular decision. Men tend to be more decisive than women because: testosterone. So you wind up getting something like this:

Her: ”You make the decision.”

Him: ”Ok, then ‘X’.”

Her: ”But are you SURE?”

Ultimately you may find this model to be more relaxing - none of the women in my life show up at my place hoping that I’m going to treat them like they are equal. For them, not having responsibility also means not having responsibility if things don’t go right. Plus, they learn pretty quickly that, in my vicinity, they like that plans pretty much take care of themselves.

I will ask for input, of course, particularly if a girl has a particular skill set or knowledge that I don’t have, such as perhaps we’re visiting the city where she went to Uni and therefore, she knows the city much better than I do, I will ask for her opinion. I also used to date the doctor, and if something happened that required a medical opinion, then obviously that’s her call. In most other areas, especially logistics, that is 100% me. So if I’m dating a girl and we decide to travel, as far as she’s concerned, the travel plans take care of themselves.

I’m a bit concerned with how the two of you fight, (raised voices) and we do it while drunk. That’s something you need to work on. When it comes to disagreements, respectful conversations are better. One person talks the other listens, and then it flips.

¹ There was a good take on this by an otherwise controversial personality who expresses it thusly: “So you want a man who is taller than you, stronger than you, older than you, smarter than you and who makes more money than you do… but then you want to think you’re his equal?”

liminaljerk · 2024-07-04T09:51:32+00:00

The dynamic sounds off. Why is he going to another women for emotional support? Your forte is just being fun? That’s what you bring to the table? What does he want to “lead” anyway? I don’t understand any of the context here.

kvlkar · 2024-07-04T05:47:22+00:00

It's not demeaning, it doesn't mean he's treating you like cattle. Dude probably messed up his delivery due to being inebriated but given the context provided he's right

Kind_Interest_8399 · 2024-07-04T06:16:13+00:00

I think this is a basically healthy dynamic- he means that he should lead you and you should follow his lead!

AutoModerator · 2024-07-04T05:03:12+00:00

Title: BF (26M) that I (26F) have been dating for 7 years says he should have more say in the relationship than I do. How would you react?

Author Decent_Pie_3851

Full text: I want to preface this by saying my boyfriend is great (for the most part).

Today we got in a really, really heated argument while drunk on a trip about 50/50 relationships.

He said that he believes that he believes that our relationship should be 70/30 and not 50/50 because he doesn’t charge me for rent, and bears most of the responsibility when it comes to “taking care of things”.

By “things”, he means planning, taking care of me & our friends, etc because I am much more of a spontaneous, happy go lucky, type B personality while he is much more type A, planned, long term thinking personality. He has also “sacrificed” more in our relationship financially and emotionally (as much as I hate to admit it).

I asked him what he means by “having more say” and he just said that I should “fall under his umbrella and heed to what he is saying because he brings more to the table”. Which, I admit, he does because he works full time as a software engineer while I’m still a student building my life but it just feels so demeaning and dehumanizing to hear that. Like I’m cattle or something.

This whole time I thought I was balancing him out by having a fun, spontaneous personality and now I realize he probably resents me.

The conversation ended with him telling me to “shut my mouth” and me telling him that “he’s not my father”.

I guess I just want advice before I book a therapy appointment.

Would you take that from a significant other given our context?

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Material_Panic_4191 · 2024-07-04T11:42:01+00:00

I think it is important to understand here that this is not an authoritarian rule and manifestation. Rather, he wants you to follow him like a woman. If he listens to your opinion, treats you with respect and generally loves you, I don't see a problem here. You recognize that he does a lot in relationships and sometimes even more financially and in other ways. It seems fair to me to give him the right to lead you as his woman. But at the same time, it is important to understand that he at least listens to your point of view and respects your opinion. If this is how it all happens, I see no reason to hinder such a dynamic relationship. Still, you are the crew of the same ship.

willowmurmur · 2024-07-04T17:48:08+00:00

To me this dynamic sounds unhealthy. I don't know if what he said was because he was drunk or what but I personally would consider it a red flag if a man tells me he brings more to the table because he takes care of things financially, he rubbing that in your face and resenting you because he doesn't charge you for rent? that sounds really really bad. I once dated a man who would do that, whenever we had a heated argument he would rub in my face he spent more money on this or that, but I was just a student like you. From what you said I cant even tell what are you both looking for in a relationship? are you both okay with him taking care of things both financially and planning-wise? because honestly it doesn't sound like he is okay with it, sometimes people open up when they're drunk so.... Anyways, it sounds like none of you have seriously talked about what kind of relationship are you looking for and there probably is a big misunderstanding, so sit down, not drunk, and speak about what dynamic you want in the relationship, what are your expectations and plans for the future.

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Decent_Pie_3851 · 2024-07-04T05:46:28+00:00

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HappySpinningSeal · 2024-07-04T14:27:35+00:00

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